TOTALLY GEEKED!

ed11563 · Guru

RE: Dear Prudie: Grandma Wants to pay for Private School

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Thank you ed. Sometimes you do the right thing simply because it's the right thing and not because it makes you feel good or because you get something in return.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Thank you ed. Sometimes you do the right thing simply because it's the right thing and not because it makes you feel good or because you get something in return.

The Golden Rule. That's about all you need...

flan

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
One time SS was really upset looking. I asked him what was wrong and he said they were having a birthday party for his sister this week and he had nothing to give her. I asked him if he remembered that his dad and I had taken a gift to her last weekend. He said yes but that it was from us and not from him. He wanted something specifically from him. I guess I could have been a total biotch like some here suggest and say, Sorry, I don't buy random kids stuff. Not my problem. Ask your bio mom. But I didn't do that. I stopped on the way home and let him pick out a doll to give his sister at her party. Yes, a RANDOM KID. I spent money on a RANDOM KID. What is this world coming to?

This is not the same. Do you take her on vacations? Have you set up a college fund for her? I think BEING NICE should always be relevant - but grandparents being required to set up the same type of benefits for step-kids? I think that's unrealistic and demanding.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
One time SS was really upset looking. I asked him what was wrong and he said they were having a birthday party for his sister this week and he had nothing to give her. I asked him if he remembered that his dad and I had taken a gift to her last weekend. He said yes but that it was from us and not from him. He wanted something specifically from him. I guess I could have been a total biotch like some here suggest and say, Sorry, I don't buy random kids stuff. Not my problem. Ask your bio mom. But I didn't do that. I stopped on the way home and let him pick out a doll to give his sister at her party. Yes, a RANDOM KID. I spent money on a RANDOM KID. What is this world coming to?
This is not the same. Do you take her on vacations? Have you set up a college fund for her? I think BEING NICE should always be relevant - but grandparents being required to set up the same type of benefits for step-kids? I think that's unrealistic and demanding.

She is a little young to take on vacations. We have offered to take her with us on outings to the zoo and such. Her mom has refused. I think it's because her douche bag husband hates DH so much. She doesn't want to cause any waves. Have we set up a college fund for her? No. Her mom works for a college and will get partial or full tuition for when she is older depending on how long she stays working for the college. We did buy her a savings a bond which we keep at the house. We will probably give it to her when she is 18. And honestly? No matter how many husbands or boyfriends come and go she will always be his sister. So she will always be in our life in some way. We also attend his older sister's little girls birthday party and bring gifts. She's 19 and has a two year old. We visited her in the hospital when she had her gallbladder out. Again, we offered to help out with the baby but the baby was with her ex boyfriend.

I would never DEMAND that my parents (my parents would do chit so I don't have this problem) do anything for any of the kids. I also wouldn't expect my parents to pay for something like private school. If one of my kids had special needs that would be different. But that's not what we're talking about here. My in-laws treat all the kids the same at Christmas and on birthdays. They don't play favorites. It's just not like them. As a parent if I see MY parents or HIS parents playing favorites in a way that hurts my kids then yes, I will step in. Life is never fair. Kids have plenty of opportunity to learn this lesson growing up. They don't have to learn it by receiving a slap in the face from family. And yes, grandparents are allowed to want to give their kids anything they want. Parents are allowed to refuse.

SS is not allowed to have toy guns. My in-laws gave him a nerf gun and he was shooting our dogs. I took it away. My in-laws know and they don't buy him toy guns anymore. It's like NAOW says, if you decide to raise your child vegan and your parents disagree they don't get to override your decision just because they're the grand parents.

I will bet that the grand parents meant no ill will in this. I will bet they didn't even think about the implications of one child going to private school over the others. I give them the benefit of the doubt. What I would do if this were me is sit down with the grand parents and explain the situation. I would point out that we want all our kids to feel loved and equal in our eyes. I would tell them how much I appreciate the offer. Then I would ask them if they would like to put the money for private school into a college fund for my child. If they say no I would point out that there are other things they can do like buy them a car when they are old enough or something like that.

Not all of life is fair but kids shouldn't have to feel like they are in competition with their own siblings. That feeling sucks. I lived it. I watch SS live it. I've seen others live it. It leaves lasting scars. And I don't buy all this crap about they're not family. My DH is raising my kids. Their dad hasn't seen them in a decade. He is the only dad they have. And if you ask them who their father is they will tell you DH. DN has even told people she's looking to marry a man like my DH because he's such a good guy and such a good example for what a father should be. And no, I didn't fall into step parenting over night but I most definitely do love him just as much as my own.

Do you love Baby J less than your other DD? Would you allow DH's parents to treat them vastly different? Of course not. Oh, but that's different. It's YOU.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
One time SS was really upset looking. I asked him what was wrong and he said they were having a birthday party for his sister this week and he had nothing to give her. I asked him if he remembered that his dad and I had taken a gift to her last weekend. He said yes but that it was from us and not from him. He wanted something specifically from him. I guess I could have been a total biotch like some here suggest and say, Sorry, I don't buy random kids stuff. Not my problem. Ask your bio mom. But I didn't do that. I stopped on the way home and let him pick out a doll to give his sister at her party. Yes, a RANDOM KID. I spent money on a RANDOM KID. What is this world coming to?
This is not the same. Do you take her on vacations? Have you set up a college fund for her? I think BEING NICE should always be relevant - but grandparents being required to set up the same type of benefits for step-kids? I think that's unrealistic and demanding.
She is a little young to take on vacations. We have offered to take her with us on outings to the zoo and such. Her mom has refused. I think it's because her douche bag husband hates DH so much. She doesn't want to cause any waves. Have we set up a college fund for her? No. Her mom works for a college and will get partial or full tuition for when she is older depending on how long she stays working for the college. We did buy her a savings a bond which we keep at the house. We will probably give it to her when she is 18. And honestly? No matter how many husbands or boyfriends come and go she will always be his sister. So she will always be in our life in some way. We also attend his older sister's little girls birthday party and bring gifts. She's 19 and has a two year old. We visited her in the hospital when she had her gallbladder out. Again, we offered to help out with the baby but the baby was with her ex boyfriend.
I would never DEMAND that my parents (my parents would do chit so I don't have this problem) do anything for any of the kids. I also wouldn't expect my parents to pay for something like private school. If one of my kids had special needs that would be different. But that's not what we're talking about here. My in-laws treat all the kids the same at Christmas and on birthdays. They don't play favorites. It's just not like them. As a parent if I see MY parents or HIS parents playing favorites in a way that hurts my kids then yes, I will step in. Life is never fair. Kids have plenty of opportunity to learn this lesson growing up. They don't have to learn it by receiving a slap in the face from family. And yes, grandparents are allowed to want to give their kids anything they want. Parents are allowed to refuse.
SS is not allowed to have toy guns. My in-laws gave him a nerf gun and he was shooting our dogs. I took it away. My in-laws know and they don't buy him toy guns anymore. It's like NAOW says, if you decide to raise your child vegan and your parents disagree they don't get to override your decision just because they're the grand parents.
I will bet that the grand parents meant no ill will in this. I will bet they didn't even think about the implications of one child going to private school over the others. I give them the benefit of the doubt. What I would do if this were me is sit down with the grand parents and explain the situation. I would point out that we want all our kids to feel loved and equal in our eyes. I would tell them how much I appreciate the offer. Then I would ask them if they would like to put the money for private school into a college fund for my child. If they say no I would point out that there are other things they can do like buy them a car when they are old enough or something like that.
Not all of life is fair but kids shouldn't have to feel like they are in competition with their own siblings. That feeling sucks. I lived it. I watch SS live it. I've seen others live it. It leaves lasting scars. And I don't buy all this crap about they're not family. My DH is raising my kids. Their dad hasn't seen them in a decade. He is the only dad they have. And if you ask them who their father is they will tell you DH. DN has even told people she's looking to marry a man like my DH because he's such a good guy and such a good example for what a father should be. And no, I didn't fall into step parenting over night but I most definitely do love him just as much as my own.
Do you love Baby J less than your other DD? Would you allow DH's parents to treat them vastly different? Of course not. Oh, but that's different. It's YOU.

I love this SO much.

When DH and I were first together, we took my boys to Hawaii for vacation. What happened the next year? Mom took my brother, his wife & their 3 kids to Hawaii.

Whatever...

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I guess I just don't get all this nonsense about blood being blood. My step father raised me from the time I was five. I barely know my bio dad. He was my father. He never adopted me. I would wager to bet that there are MILLIONS of parents "parenting" kids that aren't their own. I don't get why it's only official if it's blood or signed by adoption. I know TONS of men raising the children of other men. Women too. It doesn't make the child any less "their" child. If MY child marries someone with children then I would embrace those children as my own. Would I ever do something with JUST my grandchild? Probably. But not pay for their education and not the others. I might ask them to come spend the night with me. All this THEY ARE NOT FLESH OF MY FLESH crap is ridiculous.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Biology and family ties are not "crap". That is profound bond. That doesn't mean there are other bonds. That doesn't mean you can't love non biological people. The husband/wife bond is also one of the strongest bonds and that is nonbiological. So, we don't have to dismiss or belittle the bond of Biology to say that we can also love in another way as well.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

You yourself said you would never love a step child as much as you loved your own child. To me it's sad that your love has limits.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

And according to your theory kids who are adopted can never be truly loved by the adopted parents because there's no biological bond. They love them, just not as much as they would if they were their "real" kids.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I didn't say I couldn't love step children. There are many ways to love someone. Is your love for your spouse the same as the love for you child or parent? Does that mean u love one less?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Of course it's not the SAME. But we're not talking the same. We're talking loving them as much. Your statement was that you couldn't love non bio children AS MUCH as you loved bio children. I love my SS, my DH, and my children all the same amount. I love one as much as I love the other. But yes, I love them in different ways. My DH is my spouse. Of course the love isn't the SAME. We express it differently then I would with the kids. We're ADULTS. My SS and my kids? I love them all the SAME. Do I treat them differently? Sure. One may be more stubborn that another but I want the same outcome for them all. Even with all bio kids you don't treat them all the same. Any parent will tell you that. Some kids you just look cross eyed at and they are in tears. Others you have to practically lock in their room to get the message across.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Where did I say that?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Quote where I said exactly the words u are trying to put in my mouth.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Smackdown in the parking lot?

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

She's putting words in my mouth I did not say. Believe me , I don't need any help forming words.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I'll just put this out there. I would feel differently about Biological children than non biological children. Flame suit on.

There you go. Want me to look for another one?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I believe I would feel differently toward my biological children than I would to a step child. Doesn't mean I don't or can't love them. It's just different. There are lots if ways to love people.

Here you go again. You said you would love them but not the way you love your own kids.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

So again, I don't think it's fair to compare your relationship with your spouse to your relationship with your kids. They're two entirely different things. One is an adult/adult relationship and the other is an adult/child relationship. So you really can't compare those two. It's like apples and oranges. However, I can honestly say I love my SS just as much as I love my biological kids.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I'll just put this out there. I would feel differently about Biological children than non biological children. Flame suit on.
There you go. Want me to look for another one?

Yes. I said i would feel differently and i would. But how u are leaping from that to saying "i cant love stepchildren" , please explain.

Splain Lucy.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
So again, I don't think it's fair to compare your relationship with your spouse to your relationship with your kids. They're two entirely different things. One is an adult/adult relationship and the other is an adult/child relationship. So you really can't compare those two. It's like apples and oranges. However, I can honestly say I love my SS just as much as I love my biological kids.

I can make any comparison I want.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
So again, I don't think it's fair to compare your relationship with your spouse to your relationship with your kids. They're two entirely different things. One is an adult/adult relationship and the other is an adult/child relationship. So you really can't compare those two. It's like apples and oranges. However, I can honestly say I love my SS just as much as I love my biological kids.
I can make any comparison I want.

You CAN make any comparison you want but it's dumb one and if you want to bring up dumb comparisons I'm not going to try to reason with you.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

And quite frankly, if I showed my kids love the way I showed my spouse love I would be arrested for various crimes against children. So yes, different ball game.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I don't think anybody else gets to dictate how someone feels about different people.

Ohfour · Hooker

I've had 3 step-kids. One from my first marriage and two from my second. And I can say that I do not love any of them the way I love my own kids. That may be shallow, but that's the way it is. I don't know many people that do. I DO love each and every one of them (even the step son from my first marriage, we have a better relationship than he does with either of his bio parents), but it's completely different.

And if my mother wanted to pay for something for my kids and not for my step kids, then that's her prerogative. My mother took all of her bio grandkids on vacations for years. But she had full right and responsibility to discipline them. That would most definitely NOT be the case with step grandkids. If she swatted one of them, their mother would have been livid.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
One time SS was really upset looking. I asked him what was wrong and he said they were having a birthday party for his sister this week and he had nothing to give her. I asked him if he remembered that his dad and I had taken a gift to her last weekend. He said yes but that it was from us and not from him. He wanted something specifically from him. I guess I could have been a total biotch like some here suggest and say, Sorry, I don't buy random kids stuff. Not my problem. Ask your bio mom. But I didn't do that. I stopped on the way home and let him pick out a doll to give his sister at her party. Yes, a RANDOM KID. I spent money on a RANDOM KID. What is this world coming to?
This is not the same. Do you take her on vacations? Have you set up a college fund for her? I think BEING NICE should always be relevant - but grandparents being required to set up the same type of benefits for step-kids? I think that's unrealistic and demanding.
She is a little young to take on vacations. We have offered to take her with us on outings to the zoo and such. Her mom has refused. I think it's because her douche bag husband hates DH so much. She doesn't want to cause any waves. Have we set up a college fund for her? No. Her mom works for a college and will get partial or full tuition for when she is older depending on how long she stays working for the college. We did buy her a savings a bond which we keep at the house. We will probably give it to her when she is 18. And honestly? No matter how many husbands or boyfriends come and go she will always be his sister. So she will always be in our life in some way. We also attend his older sister's little girls birthday party and bring gifts. She's 19 and has a two year old. We visited her in the hospital when she had her gallbladder out. Again, we offered to help out with the baby but the baby was with her ex boyfriend.
I would never DEMAND that my parents (my parents would do chit so I don't have this problem) do anything for any of the kids. I also wouldn't expect my parents to pay for something like private school. If one of my kids had special needs that would be different. But that's not what we're talking about here. My in-laws treat all the kids the same at Christmas and on birthdays. They don't play favorites. It's just not like them. As a parent if I see MY parents or HIS parents playing favorites in a way that hurts my kids then yes, I will step in. Life is never fair. Kids have plenty of opportunity to learn this lesson growing up. They don't have to learn it by receiving a slap in the face from family. And yes, grandparents are allowed to want to give their kids anything they want. Parents are allowed to refuse.
SS is not allowed to have toy guns. My in-laws gave him a nerf gun and he was shooting our dogs. I took it away. My in-laws know and they don't buy him toy guns anymore. It's like NAOW says, if you decide to raise your child vegan and your parents disagree they don't get to override your decision just because they're the grand parents.
I will bet that the grand parents meant no ill will in this. I will bet they didn't even think about the implications of one child going to private school over the others. I give them the benefit of the doubt. What I would do if this were me is sit down with the grand parents and explain the situation. I would point out that we want all our kids to feel loved and equal in our eyes. I would tell them how much I appreciate the offer. Then I would ask them if they would like to put the money for private school into a college fund for my child. If they say no I would point out that there are other things they can do like buy them a car when they are old enough or something like that.
Not all of life is fair but kids shouldn't have to feel like they are in competition with their own siblings. That feeling sucks. I lived it. I watch SS live it. I've seen others live it. It leaves lasting scars. And I don't buy all this crap about they're not family. My DH is raising my kids. Their dad hasn't seen them in a decade. He is the only dad they have. And if you ask them who their father is they will tell you DH. DN has even told people she's looking to marry a man like my DH because he's such a good guy and such a good example for what a father should be. And no, I didn't fall into step parenting over night but I most definitely do love him just as much as my own.
Do you love Baby J less than your other DD? Would you allow DH's parents to treat them vastly different? Of course not. Oh, but that's different. It's YOU.

First of all - she has been with us since infancy and she's ADOPTED, she's not a step-child. She doesn't actually have any other parents or grandparents. And FTR - we did notice a change in all of his family when the adoption was actually final.