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ed11563


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Tinder Talk: Stupid online dating questions and how I handle them

By MATTHEW HOGAN April 17, 2015

 

Before I get started — and I’m probably going to regret this — I’d like to formally open up a Q&A from my readers for a future column.

Send your questions to amnydating@gmail.com and I’ll pick the best ones to answer in a future column in the next couple of weeks. These are all anonymous, so don’t worry about leaving a name.

Ask for advice or feel free to ask me about my dating/personal life — I’ll answer anything.

While we’re on the subject of questions, this week I’m going to discuss the stupid questions I get asked most often when I’m talking to girls via Tinder or other online dating apps.

These questions are, generally speaking, a waste of my time — yet I get them at least once a week.

 

Hey What’s Up?

 

What is this, AOL Instant Messenger circa 1998? Find a better way to open a conversation (Hint: Check out my column on good openers).

If a girl starts by messaging me this, she’s going to get ridiculous answers from me. This has actually worked out for me in the past because I stop caring about what I say and the girl thinks I’m being funny, which leads to a date (I don’t get girls sometimes).

“Hey, what’s up?” What am I supposed to do with that? “Not much u?” Real intriguing conversation we’ve got going.

Or how about some brutal honesty? “Eh, nothing really. I’m 28 years old and I’m unhappy with what I’ve done with my life to this point. I also drink too much but that’s where I get a lot of my wit and charm, so it’s a double-­edged sword. I’m not looking for a relationship at the moment, just sex, because I have dependency issues. How about you?”

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Find a new opener.

Compliment my guns or my perfectly symmetrical nose (some girl told me that once), but enough with the “Hey, what’s up?”

FYI: Everything I wrote in the brutal honestly section isn’t true ... maybe the drinking thing is.

 

Are You a Murderer?

 

A lot of people are surprised to hear that I try and get girls to meet me at my apartment for a first date and then go to a bar afterwards. By doing this, they see I have a nice place and that I’m not a complete psychopath. It also almost assures me that I can get them back later if I got them there before — sometimes we don’t even leave for the bar.

People are even more surprised to hear that 95 percent the girls I ask to meet me at my apartment beforehand actually show up.

My own mother — fearing for these girls’ very lives — even asked, “How stupid are they?”

I don’t think my mom’s comment was directed at me, just in general about stupidity with online dating.

To be fair, a few of the girls have questioned my motives. They’ve said something to the effect of, “I don’t know. Are you a murderer or something?”

Yes, because if I am in fact a serial murderer or rapist, I plan on having an open dialogue about it ahead of time — you know, just in case that’s not your thing.

Bottom line, girls: use your heads. If you think something sounds questionable, don’t do it. It might hurt my game a little, but I don’t want to start reading about the serial killing “Tinder Terrorizer” on the front pages of amNewYork any time soon.

 

Why Are You on Here?

 

This is the most popular question I come across. It’s also the sign of an online dating rookie who doesn’t know how to proceed with a conversation and makes it much easier for me to identify my prey ... uh, I mean, makes it much easier for me to ask you out on a date.

I understand the need to know what the other person’s end game is — fun, relationship, etc. — but there are better ways to go about it.

Try and read the vibe the other person is giving off. Most of the time, I can tell right away what the other girl wants and why she’s on Tinder.

If you go on a date and you still can’t get a feel, then hint at what it is you’re looking for.

But if I get “Why are you on here?” one more time, then the answer to stupid question No. 2 is quickly changing to a “yes.”

Head to amNY.com every Friday for Matthew's latest column, and check out amny.com/dating to see previous columns. To inquire about NYC dating advice, email him at amnydating@gmail.com. Your question may appear in a future column, but no names will be used.

Matthew HoganMatthew Hogan

Matthew Hogan is amNY.com's dating columnist. He lives in Hell’s Kitchen on a steady diet of Italian food and burgers. When he’s not out drinking with friends, he’s in the gym or watching hockey – or both.

 

 



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Southern_Belle


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When I was using an online dating site the question I always wanted to ask was... do you have a paying membership or are you just using the free trial?

If someone is too cheap to pay for a three month membership then they are not serious about finding a relationship, they are probably just browsing.

If they are too broke to pay for a membership then they need to fix that before they start dating someone. No one wants your financial burdens.

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Mellow Momma


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DD goes on these all the time - it's tough to find someone in NYC. She just started talking to a guy and 2 days into the conversation he tells her his age is "different than what it says on the app". Turns out he was the same age as DH. She told him she really liked him, but couldn't date someone the same age as her dad.

So glad I never had to deal with that kind of thing.

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chef


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When I was using online dating sites, I was forgiving of most things because no one is perfect and, sometimes, someone is just in a bad place because life happened. I'm glad I wasn't judgmental because I would've never gone out with DH.

Online dating isn't one size fits all. The questions in the article wouldn't bother me. The one about being a murderer would make me laugh because that wouldn't be something someone would just admit to being.

Personally, I got really tired of the "I'm better than you" and arrogance crap. I came across so many guys who acted like they were perfect. I also got really tired of the mentality that one's looks must be perfect. What if I'm in a horrible, disfiguring wreck? Are you going to dump me? Yes? Then get off my profile.

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chef


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Southern_Belle wrote:

When I was using an online dating site the question I always wanted to ask was... do you have a paying membership or are you just using the free trial?

If someone is too cheap to pay for a three month membership then they are not serious about finding a relationship, they are probably just browsing.

If they are too broke to pay for a membership then they need to fix that before they start dating someone. No one wants your financial burdens.

Paying doesn't equal serious about finding a relationship nor does it guarantee anything. It only means they have the money for the site. They can be just as flakey as the person who is on there for free. Perhaps the only thing they're serious about is finding someone to lead on because they enjoy doing that. Perhaps the guy who can't afford the membership fee is a great guy who just had life take a dump on his head.



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flan327


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I am SO SO thankful I never had to do this.

flan

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lilyofcourse


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I don't think I could ever do online dating.

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Momala


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Lily ~
"I don't think I could ever do online dating."

I was skeptical also, but a (happily married) friend convinced me to go on a couple of sites, and helped me with my profile. Just leave a little "mystery", but be brutally honest about yourself.

I met a couple of duds, but I also met my "Mister Right". Its been 3 years now, and we still cherish each other.



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Southern_Belle


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I love it when the guy looks like Quasimodo and he is between jobs and his "demands" are something like "no one other than a supermodel with $1,00,000 of her own money in the bank will get a response".

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aergia


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are you really single....That one weeded out a few, but surprisingly not all the married committed ones.

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Southern_Belle


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I would say I only wanted contact from men within a reasonable driving distance (not those exact words) and they would send me messages from 2 hours away. And those guys usually turned out to be scammers who had no idea what was close to where I live.

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A person's a person no matter how small.
Southern_Belle


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I have a ton of tiny towns around me and let's face it my town isn't all that big. The scammers would claim a 7 figure income and be from towns that don't even have traffic signals. They would say they go to the city for work and live on their 10,000 acre horse farm. Um, no, I don't think so.....

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Nobody Just Nobody


Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

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I met DH online. I'm happy. To me it's like meeting people anywhere. You have to weed out the idiots.

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Renegade Time Lord


Am I A Good Man?

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I have never had the urge to try online dating.  Too much drama trying to figure people out.  I met my ex through a friend.  After the end of that relationship, I did attempt some face-to-face dates.  Went on a few one-time dates and realized they were just not for me.  I have not dated since 1997.  



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Tignanello


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Sometimes I get inspired to pay attention to my online profiles, but not generally. My profile explicitly states my sobriety and my dis-interest in anyone who cannot leave the drinks/drugs alone for a while.

It's amazing how many messages I get about going for drinks, partying, etc. I ignore those ones, cause I know they didn't read the profile!!

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Oughttabeworking


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Tignanello wrote:

Sometimes I get inspired to pay attention to my online profiles, but not generally. My profile explicitly states my sobriety and my dis-interest in anyone who cannot leave the drinks/drugs alone for a while.

It's amazing how many messages I get about going for drinks, partying, etc. I ignore those ones, cause I know they didn't read the profile!!

For me, the kicker was that in my profile it said multiple times that I'm not interested in having more kids, and the guy should be absolutely positive that he doesn't want any(more) either. If he was unsure, I was not the right person for him. And I STILL got messages from men who stated in their profiles that they wanted kids. SMH. 



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Well, that's just toady!
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