TOTALLY GEEKED!

ed11563 · Guru

Miscarriage and Insensitive SIL

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

I don't know how I feel about this situation.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

SIL needs some mental help. Though what she went through was sad, it's nowhere near losing a baby to SIDS. And I've known women to light a small candle for a child they miscarried but I've never heard of having a one year "memorial". Heck, I've never heard of a couple that had a child die having a one year "memorial" party.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

The two situations are similar, but NOT the same.

flan

ed11563 · Guru

I read long ago that 25% of human pregnancies spontaneously abort (miscarry), about half of them so early that the woman might think her period was just late.

Both of my SILs had late-term still-borns . It's very sad, and they need to mourn.

I agree though, it's not the same as a SIDS death.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Losing a child is devastating no matter the stage or age.

I can't tell you how many times I heard "at least you didn't have to go through birth" or "at least you didn't have time to get attached".

I was attached to my kids before I knew I was carrying them. That's how bad I wanted them.

And no. It isn't the same. You don't get to hold them, kiss them.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
SIL needs some mental help. Though what she went through was sad, it's nowhere near losing a baby to SIDS. And I've known women to light a small candle for a child they miscarried but I've never heard of having a one year "memorial". Heck, I've never heard of a couple that had a child die having a one year "memorial" party.

I lost a baby at 6 months of in the womb. And I know that is no where comparable to losing a child you have in a crib. I held my child but let him go. It was not to be. A child you give a normal birth to, BF, and hug all day long is a horrible if you lose them.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

It isn't a competition about who has the greater pain. And havinga 5 week memorial party is bizarre. But if she is that bizarre does the OP really think some light bulb is going to click on by talking to her? No it wont so why waste your breath? I would have a sudden headache the day of her party and call her saying u cant come and yes , we remember your loss today
. Thats it.

FNW · Guru

I miscarried between 6 and 7 weeks. We planted a holly bush in the backyard to honor his little soul. I had a D&C so that I would not have to pass him. I had the endocrinologist perform genetics testing to see if there was something that may have caused it, since I had more embryos from the same cycle that I intended to have implanted. I learned the child was a boy. I still feel sad when I think about him and what could have been, but I am grateful that I have two children I can hold. I recently told my neighbor behind me about the story of the bush, since it borders her property. She said she never knew it held such meaning and would look at it differently now. I told her we intended to plant more around the perimeter so it won't have to stand alone any more. (We were discussing natural "screens" to give more privacy between our yards). She said it's funny how people can live next to each other but never really know some of the hardships each other endures.

It's been 8 years since my miscarriage and I really don't talk about it much. Sometimes, such as this one, something triggers the memory and I might share my personal experience.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I still cry at the loss. It was almost 21 yrs ago.

It's a bitter sweet feeling. I lost Drew, yes, I named him, and found out I was pregnant with C about 3 months later.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

FNW wrote:
I miscarried between 6 and 7 weeks. We planted a holly bush in the backyard to honor his little soul. I had a D&C so that I would not have to pass him. I had the endocrinologist perform genetics testing to see if there was something that may have caused it, since I had more embryos from the same cycle that I intended to have implanted. I learned the child was a boy. I still feel sad when I think about him and what could have been, but I am grateful that I have two children I can hold. I recently told my neighbor behind me about the story of the bush, since it borders her property. She said she never knew it held such meaning and would look at it differently now. I told her we intended to plant more around the perimeter so it won't have to stand alone any more. (We were discussing natural "screens" to give more privacy between our yards). She said it's funny how people can live next to each other but never really know some of the hardships each other endures.

It's been 8 years since my miscarriage and I really don't talk about it much. Sometimes, such as this one, something triggers the memory and I might share my personal experience.

This is so nice and a great memory. I feel what you did tremendously.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

lilyofcourse wrote:
I still cry at the loss. It was almost 21 yrs ago.

It's a bitter sweet feeling. I lost Drew, yes, I named him, and found out I was pregnant with C about 3 months later.

And the bittersweet of that is you wouldn't have C if that hadn't happened. God works in mysterious ways. He gave you C. I was given DD for all the pain I went through. I firmly believe that even though I am not actively religious. She is my guiding angel.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I never asked the sex of the child I lost.

flan

aergia · Regular

full sorrow at all your losses

FNW · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
I still cry at the loss. It was almost 21 yrs ago.

It's a bitter sweet feeling. I lost Drew, yes, I named him, and found out I was pregnant with C about 3 months later.

We tried again after my miscarriage and I had what was called a 'chemical" pregnancy. It implanted then passed quickly. We decided to take a break and went to Greece to relax and get away. I had always felt the Mediterranean waters were soothing and fertile. Crazy, I know. Anyway, we returned and cycled again, then bam, twins!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

One thing though. I dont' think it is "insensitive" for other people to celebrate their own joys or their own griefs. It isn't a reflection on the other person. If someone had a miscarriage and a friend is now pregnant, then the pregnant friend has every right to celebrate, be happy and talk about their pregnancy. That isn't fair to expect someone else to squash their own enthusiasm or joy of what is happening in their lives. I have known some women who had fertility problems and no doubt that is extremely painful and difficult. But, they would be offended if anyone else was talking about their pregnancies, infants, children, etc. That is not a "slam" against the person going through a difficult time nor should it be perceived as such.

FNW · Guru

I agree. I was invited to a baby shower for a co-worker right after my miscarriage. I declined, because I didn't feel I was up for it, but wished her well. I told her a few years later why I did not attend, and she understood and felt bad that she didn't know what I was going through and could not offer me any comfort. (She had miscarried before and understood the sadness). Exactly why I did not tell her at the time...I didn't want to steal her joy.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I was at work about a week after my miscarriage and a coworker announced she was pregnant.

I smiled, said congratulations and excused myself. I went to the bathroom and cried.

She didn't know. None of them did.

I left that job no long after.

Lindley · Guru

I think people don't realize or understand that women who miscarry are grieving a loss.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

Still-- grieving so excessively over a pregnancy lost when the majority of women wouldn't even know they were pregnant cannot be healthy.
A sad moment now and then, thinking about what might have been, sure. But to bring it up and compare it to family member that lost a baby they had held and seen and felt is truly insensitive, and someone needs to gently but firmly tell her so.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Still-- grieving so excessively over a pregnancy lost when the majority of women wouldn't even know they were pregnant cannot be healthy.
A sad moment now and then, thinking about what might have been, sure. But to bring it up and compare it to family member that lost a baby they had held and seen and felt is truly insensitive, and someone needs to gently but firmly tell her so.

Agreed.

I also find the the one year memorial for her miscarriage very very odd. If she wants to do something private, that's a great idea. But inviting others is just strange.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Mellow Momma wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Still-- grieving so excessively over a pregnancy lost when the majority of women wouldn't even know they were pregnant cannot be healthy.
A sad moment now and then, thinking about what might have been, sure. But to bring it up and compare it to family member that lost a baby they had held and seen and felt is truly insensitive, and someone needs to gently but firmly tell her so.
Agreed.
I also find the the one year memorial for her miscarriage very very odd. If she wants to do something private, that's a great idea. But inviting others is just strange.

I agree with both of you. (Mark this down - it doesn't happen often).

FNW · Guru

I couldn't even tell you when I miscarried. I remember it was sometime in early June. And the only reason I know that is I was prego on my third wedding anniversary, which is end of May. And I remember that because Mr. FNW ordered sparkling cider for me instead of champagne.

-- Edited by FNW on Wednesday 29th of April 2015 03:47:55 PM

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lawyerlady wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Still-- grieving so excessively over a pregnancy lost when the majority of women wouldn't even know they were pregnant cannot be healthy.
A sad moment now and then, thinking about what might have been, sure. But to bring it up and compare it to family member that lost a baby they had held and seen and felt is truly insensitive, and someone needs to gently but firmly tell her so.
Agreed.
I also find the the one year memorial for her miscarriage very very odd. If she wants to do something private, that's a great idea. But inviting others is just strange.
I agree with both of you. (Mark this down - it doesn't happen often).

I find the bolded to be especially true. This wasn't a stillborn birth at six months. This wasn't a wholly formed baby in the third trimester. I'm not trying to minimize the sadness that comes with miscarriage because I truly do understand that it is heart breaking. Like I said, I know some women who will light a candle on the would be birthday of that child. But they don't throw a party and invite everyone to share in their sadness. I find it very very strange that she would throw some kind of odd "death party" and ask others to join.

Lindley · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Still-- grieving so excessively over a pregnancy lost when the majority of women wouldn't even know they were pregnant cannot be healthy.
A sad moment now and then, thinking about what might have been, sure. But to bring it up and compare it to family member that lost a baby they had held and seen and felt is truly insensitive, and someone needs to gently but firmly tell her so.
Agreed.
I also find the the one year memorial for her miscarriage very very odd. If she wants to do something private, that's a great idea. But inviting others is just strange.
I agree with both of you. (Mark this down - it doesn't happen often).
I find the bolded to be especially true. This wasn't a stillborn birth at six months. This wasn't a wholly formed baby in the third trimester. I'm not trying to minimize the sadness that comes with miscarriage because I truly do understand that it is heart breaking. Like I said, I know some women who will light a candle on the would be birthday of that child. But they don't throw a party and invite everyone to share in their sadness. I find it very very strange that she would throw some kind of odd "death party" and ask others to join.

I agree with everyone, It is different from losing a full time baby to any older child. I'm just saying some people blow off a miscarriage as no big deal or they should get over it right away.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

No Lindley, I agree with you. Women who miscarry need to grieve also. They have every right to grieve. They have lost a chance at having a child. I can't say I understand because I've never been there but I do understand that they want to and should be able to grieve. All I'm saying is there is healthy grieving and then unhealthy grieving. I think the lady here falls into the unhealthy one.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Wow. Good to know.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

lilyofcourse wrote:
Wow. Good to know.

If this is directed at me then yes. There is normal healing and not normal healing. For example (I hope this doesn't offend you FNW), what FNW did is very normal. To plant a tree in honor of the baby they lost. Other women I know have written a letter to the child they lost once a year. These are normal things.

And there is abnormal grieving. I had a friend who miscarried early in. I think she was about ten weeks. Twelve years later she would see you and she would say "You didn't ask about 'Chris' today." Or she would say, "I talked to Chris today." She would become very offended if you didn't ask her how her child was. So yes, after twelve years I found that to be a bit disconcerting. I would wager to guess that a therapist would say it was a problem.

I also worked with a nurse and her son had died in a house fire. About two weeks after knowing her she offered to walk with me out to the parking lot because it was dark. I regret that. She told me that her son had died in a fire and that right before she had put him to bed she had yelled at him. She was wracked with guilt and I felt horrible for her. I stayed for two hours and listened to her talk. She told me she was currently on probation for theft related to her son. I asked her what that was about. She said she broke into a store and stole a mannequin. I began to feel uneasy. I asked her how long ago her son died. She told me 14 years ago. She also told me she keeps the mannequin at home and dresses it, bathes, and sits it at the dining room table and talks to it. She says at night she puts the mannequin in p.j.'s and he sleeps in bed with her. She said she holds him and talks to him. So yes, if she is acting like this after 14 years then I would say absolutely yes, somewhere the grieving process has gone horribly wrong.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

No NJN. It isn't directed at you.

But at every one who thinks losing a baby to miscarriage is easier than losing a child.

Both is the same loss.

One is not easier than the other.

I didn't lose a lump of cells. I lost my baby.

But it's nice to hear that I had it easy. After all, I didn't have time to bond with him.

msrock · Guru

I don't want this to come off wrong, but I would rather miscarry than birth a child and lose it. I know my pain would be more intense... if that was even possible. Knowing what the OP has been through, I believe the SIL is being a bit insensitive. It's a delicate situation for sure. I can understand why the letter writer feels the way she does. She has shown restraint and compassion for SIL in her letter. She has a right to her feelings.

msrock · Guru

Well. I didn't read the answer when I posted previously... but it looks like I agree.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

msrock wrote:
I don't want this to come off wrong, but I would rather miscarry than birth a child and lose it. I know my pain would be more intense... if that was even possible. Knowing what the OP has been through, I believe the SIL is being a bit insensitive. It's a delicate situation for sure. I can understand why the letter writer feels the way she does. She has shown restraint and compassion for SIL in her letter. She has a right to her feelings.

I had a first-trimester miscarriage and I agree with you.

flan

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

flan327 wrote:
msrock wrote:
I don't want this to come off wrong, but I would rather miscarry than birth a child and lose it. I know my pain would be more intense... if that was even possible. Knowing what the OP has been through, I believe the SIL is being a bit insensitive. It's a delicate situation for sure. I can understand why the letter writer feels the way she does. She has shown restraint and compassion for SIL in her letter. She has a right to her feelings.
I had a first-trimester miscarriage and I agree with you.
flan

Yep. Me, too. And having had a both a miscarriage and having given birth - I can assure you that losing a child already born would have been much, much, much more devastating. They are not comparable.