Dear Prudence, I’m a 19-year-old female, and I’ve been with a great guy for about three months now. He is my first boyfriend, I lost my virginity to him, and I’m really in love with him. We talk and laugh for hours, we have amazing sex, and I feel totally comfortable with him. The problem is that he recently said some things that are kind of worrying to me. He mentioned that in a high school relationship his girlfriend cheated on him, it hurt him a lot, and he broke up with her immediately. Understandable. Then he said he started a hate campaign against her at school. He enlisted his friends and made her life so terrible that she ended up transferring. I was horrified. I did not tell him this, as I wanted to be supportive of his hurt and not sound like I was defending his ex. He seemed to feel no remorse and considered what he did fitting punishment. The thing is that I’m a bit scared now. What prevents him from “punishing” me if something goes wrong in our relationship? Am I overreacting, or is it a reason to call it quits? I really am in love with him!
—Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Dear Go, What a brilliant stroke on his part for making sure no one ever hurts him again. You’ve been put on notice that if you cheat, break up with him, or do anything else he doesn’t like, he’s capable of going on a campaign to ruin your life. I don’t want to overly alarm you, but your great guy has just revealed a cruel, vindictive approach to human relations. The most disturbing part is that he didn’t tell you by way of revealing a shameful episode in his recent past that he regrets; he was boasting! Since you say how great he is, test this by bringing up the story. He’s young, so let’s hope he is capable of moral development. Say you’ve been thinking about it, and while there’s no defense of his ex’s cheating, you feel that hounding her into leaving the school was going overboard. If he’s open to considering your perspective, perhaps he’ll start to view that part of his past differently over time. But if he gets angry and accusatory—let’s say he suggests this must mean you’re planning to cheat on him, too—then it’s time for an exit plan. And if he looks at you with the Kubrick Stare, start running.
—Prudie
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
And what is this "lost virginity" crap I aways hear about. Do you put it down and forget where?
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I read about one way to get away from control freaks...
First, be really nice.
Tell him things like, "I'd like to go dancing tonight."
Then when he shows up dressed nice to go dancing,
be dressed for bowling, then complain that he never wants to do what you want to do.
Find more things to do, more "reasons" to show him that he JUST CAN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY.
Let him know how disappointed you are, but you still want to be with him.
Up the ante, tell him his car is too fast / slow/ loud / quiet / smells bad / ugly / bouncy / lousy color ...
Be disappointed . Until he decides you're way too much work and way too hard to please.
And if he ever EVER gets violent, have some guys beat him with baseball bats.
Just don't let him know you had anything to do with it. "Well, I just told my friend Marcy when she saw the bruises (there is no Marcy) and she must have told her cousins..."
I read this years ago, and it was NOT in the Readers' Digest.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I read about one way to get away from control freaks...
First, be really nice.
Tell him things like, "I'd like to go dancing tonight."
Then when he shows up dressed nice to go dancing,
be dressed for bowling, then complain that he never wants to do what you want to do.
Find more things to do, more "reasons" to show him that he JUST CAN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY.
Let him know how disappointed you are, but you still want to be with him.
Up the ante, tell him his car is too fast / slow/ loud / quiet / smells bad / ugly / bouncy / lousy color ...
Be disappointed . Until he decides you're way too much work and way too hard to please.
And if he ever EVER gets violent, have some guys beat him with baseball bats.
Just don't let him know you had anything to do with it. "Well, I just told my friend Marcy when she saw the bruises (there is no Marcy) and she must have told her cousins..."
I read this years ago, and it was NOT in the Readers' Digest.
Sorry Ed, but the girls that have abusive boyfriends are not the type to be manipulative.
I have used a similar stragedy to get rid of a clingly bf, but I doubt the soft little flower from the OP would manage it.
Well, acting like a childish high schooler is acting like a childish high schooler. Is it possible he has grown up? People make mistakes. However, if he thinks it is funny, then I would assume he has not. And, yes, that is a red flag of a possible mean streak. So, act accordingly.
I read about one way to get away from control freaks...
First, be really nice.
Tell him things like, "I'd like to go dancing tonight."
Then when he shows up dressed nice to go dancing,
be dressed for bowling, then complain that he never wants to do what you want to do.
Find more things to do, more "reasons" to show him that he JUST CAN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY.
Let him know how disappointed you are, but you still want to be with him.
Up the ante, tell him his car is too fast / slow/ loud / quiet / smells bad / ugly / bouncy / lousy color ...
Be disappointed . Until he decides you're way too much work and way too hard to please.
And if he ever EVER gets violent, have some guys beat him with baseball bats.
Just don't let him know you had anything to do with it. "Well, I just told my friend Marcy when she saw the bruises (there is no Marcy) and she must have told her cousins..."
I read this years ago, and it was NOT in the Readers' Digest.
That's dumb. They've only been dating a few months. If she wants to dump him--just do it.
There is NOTHING in the letter to suggest he was, or is, physically abusive.
If he is going to play the same shenanigans he did with the cheating girlfriend, he would probably be LESS likely to do it if they haven't been going together as long--but at any rate, she can't control what he does if they break up, any way or when she does it.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
That's actually really scary what he did and if I was her I would be afraid to break up with him. He sounds like a borderline psycho to me.
I agree in that he thinks it's really funny that he "got her back" like that. It's one thing to be angry and gossip about someone but taking it to the level where you force them to leave school is beyond normal and bordering on psycho.
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“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!” ― Maya Angelou
". I was horrified. I did not tell him this, as I wanted to be supportive of his hurt and not sound like I was defending his ex."
So, this is the man of her dreams? Yet, he does something that horrifies her, but instead of saying "that is horrible" to him, she chooses to "be supportive"? Um, she has her OWN issues.
". I was horrified. I did not tell him this, as I wanted to be supportive of his hurt and not sound like I was defending his ex."
So, this is the man of her dreams? Yet, he does something that horrifies her, but instead of saying "that is horrible" to him, she chooses to "be supportive"? Um, she has her OWN issues.
I think she feels like she has a lot invested in him. Especially since he was her first. So she wants to down play how bad this is. Not uncommon when you think you really have found the true love you've been looking for.
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“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!” ― Maya Angelou
She's obviously scared that he will do the same to her so she has conflicting feelings. Have you never had conflicting feelings? Relationships aren't so cut and dry where it's so easy to just drop people like hot potatoes.
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
It's funny to me how some posters are so quick to constantly advise to "just dump" someone like it's no big deal. See, normal people have these things called "emotions" that believe it or not do tend to play a factor in the decision making process.
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
She's obviously scared that he will do the same to her so she has conflicting feelings. Have you never had conflicting feelings? Relationships aren't so cut and dry where it's so easy to just drop people like hot potatoes.
That's kind of what I was trying to say earlier.
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“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!” ― Maya Angelou
She's obviously scared that he will do the same to her so she has conflicting feelings. Have you never had conflicting feelings? Relationships aren't so cut and dry where it's so easy to just drop people like hot potatoes.
I think if she's scared of what he would do - that's enough of a reason to end the relationship.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
She's obviously scared that he will do the same to her so she has conflicting feelings. Have you never had conflicting feelings? Relationships aren't so cut and dry where it's so easy to just drop people like hot potatoes.
I think if she's scared of what he would do - that's enough of a reason to end the relationship.
I agree, his telling her this and without remorse is a big red flag of the type of person he is.
I'm not saying she shouldn't break up with him, I think he sounds like a crazy bastard. I just think it's really easy to sit back and say oh just break up when it's hard to break up, she clearly loves him.
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
It's funny to me how some posters are so quick to constantly advise to "just dump" someone like it's no big deal. See, normal people have these things called "emotions" that believe it or not do tend to play a factor in the decision making process.
And some see the red flags and don't deal with crap.
There would be a lot less abused SOs if they didn't play the games that have been suggested here.
As an adult, you are responsible for yourself. And sometimes that means not staying in a relationship that is clearly marked for trouble because of emotion.
Love is a wonderful thing. Love your self enough to keep yourself out of an obviously bad situation.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
She's obviously scared that he will do the same to her so she has conflicting feelings. Have you never had conflicting feelings? Relationships aren't so cut and dry where it's so easy to just drop people like hot potatoes.
I think if she's scared of what he would do - that's enough of a reason to end the relationship.
I agree, his telling her this and without remorse is a big red flag of the type of person he is.
This!
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
I'm not saying she shouldn't break up with him, I think he sounds like a crazy bastard. I just think it's really easy to sit back and say oh just break up when it's hard to break up, she clearly loves him.
It is easy--that's what comes with perspective. Don't write in to an advice columnist if you don't want to take their advice.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I'm not saying she shouldn't break up with him, I think he sounds like a crazy bastard. I just think it's really easy to sit back and say oh just break up when it's hard to break up, she clearly loves him.
It is easy--that's what comes with perspective. Don't write in to an advice columnist if you don't want to take their advice.
Frequently, people need to hear what their options are, and to hear differing advice, to decide what their best course is.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
I'm not saying she shouldn't break up with him, I think he sounds like a crazy bastard. I just think it's really easy to sit back and say oh just break up when it's hard to break up, she clearly loves him.
And yet her head is going "ding, ding, ding!" with a red flag. This is head over heart. She has a choice - get out now and deal with a broken heart for a few months to get over it, or potentially deal with a long-running pain over the time she stays with him.
It's like taking off a band-aid. Sometimes you have to just hold your breath and rip it off to get it over with. The pain will be a lot less that way.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
This one is so hard for me since I was in an abusive relationship. She needs to leave. And she probably knows she needs to leave. But it's just not that easy as Vette says.
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“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!” ― Maya Angelou
Leaving is probably the hardest thing to do but staying will be harder in the long run.
You are so right. These guys play so many head games though. It's like you become brainwashed. I know it's hard to understand.
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“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!” ― Maya Angelou
“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!” ― Maya Angelou
She's been with him for 3 months. I mean, come on. How hard could it be to break up? Just do it.
And if he won't let go without violence? What if he believes he's entitled to do whatever he wants to her,
like he did to the other one?
I am saying this isn't like the Love of the Ages. And, yeah, if he isn't going to "let her go" now, then he certainly isn't going to let her go 1 day plus from now. She needs to leave, so figure out how to leave.
Or the guy that tells everyone you were crazy but neglects to tell them that he was still calling...texting....saying he misses you and wants to work it out....so he can come over....
Yeah
I may or may not know something about that....not bitter at all...not me ;)
Or the guy that tells everyone you were crazy but neglects to tell them that he was still calling...texting....saying he misses you and wants to work it out....so he can come over....
Yeah I may or may not know something about that....not bitter at all...not me ;)
Hahaha...I shouldn't laugh because that hits to close to home.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
I am saying this isn't like the Love of the Ages. And, yeah, if he isn't going to "let her go" now, then he certainly isn't going to let her go 1 day plus from now. She needs to leave, so figure out how to leave.
YES !!!
And I'm saying, the way to leave a psycho is to get HIM to decide it's HIS idea.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.