TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Abby: We Don't Approve of Cohabitating Daughter

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I don't get it. Why not just get married?

I wouldn't cut them out but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be aware of my opinion.

And a person doesn't have to be mean about it.

I don't know why it is so hard to be honest with others.

Lindley · Guru

If they want their parents to respect the fact they are adults and make their own decisions then they need to respect their parents feelings also. They did not disown them, they said they respect their decisions but they still do not approve and shouldn't be forced to.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Nothing wrong with mom and dad saying "We don't approve". However, that is not their life to live, it is their daughter's. Once you put out the disapproval, then what is to be gained by continually saying it or expressing it? You either agree to disagree and have a relationship or you don't. You don't get to choose your daughter's path. And, if you don't want to go to the party, then you don't go. And, you tell your daughter, you cannot attend. She can either choose to be pissed or she can also understand that you have the right to your feelings and opinions as well. Her response should simply be "I am sorry you cannot attend, and you will be missed. Do you want to have lunch together next week". Period. Not sure why everyone things they need to have some kind of running commentary on everyone else's life. Go live your life however the Hell you please. But, equally, leave me the Hell alone to live life on my terms. We don't have to agree nor do you have to rubber stamp my life nor do I have to rubber stamp yours. Is it really all that tough?

chillepeppa · Regular

I agree with LDS. The daughters are adults, and must do what is right for them. The parents do have a right to feel their girls are making a mistake, but that is where it stops. To try and guilt them into doing what moms and pops think is right will only sour the relationship. Talking to them about it is fine, but when the reply is "ok, fine, I hear you, but this is my life" they should respect that.

Ohfour · Hooker

chillepeppa wrote:
I agree with LDS. The daughters are adults, and must do what is right for them. The parents do have a right to feel their girls are making a mistake, but that is where it stops. To try and guilt them into doing what moms and pops think is right will only sour the relationship. Talking to them about it is fine, but when the reply is "ok, fine, I hear you, but this is my life" they should respect that.

They are not guilting them into anything. They don't want to be a part of a celebration that they don't condone. What is so HARD for people to understand about that?

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

chillepeppa wrote:
I agree with LDS. The daughters are adults, and must do what is right for them. The parents do have a right to feel their girls are making a mistake, but that is where it stops. To try and guilt them into doing what moms and pops think is right will only sour the relationship. Talking to them about it is fine, but when the reply is "ok, fine, I hear you, but this is my life" they should respect that.

Not celebrating the cohabitation they disapprove of is not punishment. To go would actually be hypocritical. Abby got this one wrong. You can still love your kids without attending a house-warming party.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
I agree with LDS. The daughters are adults, and must do what is right for them. The parents do have a right to feel their girls are making a mistake, but that is where it stops. To try and guilt them into doing what moms and pops think is right will only sour the relationship. Talking to them about it is fine, but when the reply is "ok, fine, I hear you, but this is my life" they should respect that.
They are not guilting them into anything. They don't want to be a part of a celebration that they don't condone. What is so HARD for people to understand about that?

Because we've become a society where we need everyone's approval and if we don't get it we throw a fit. The girls should do what they want and the parents should say, "We don't believe in living together before marriage so we won't be coming to your party."

chillepeppa · Regular

The "what they don't condone" does not stop once the celebrations are over. it will still be going on. To me, this is a guilt trip move of note.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

chillepeppa wrote:
The "what they don't condone" does not stop once the celebrations are over. it will still be going on. To me, this is a guilt trip move of note.

So, refusing to participate in something they don't approve of is a guilt trip? That's ridiculous. As stated - the girls are adults. So they need to know that they don't always get what they want.

The opposite correlation being that fussing about the parents not coming is a guilt trip against the parents because of their beliefs. But who cares about that?

Ohfour · Hooker

chillepeppa wrote:
The "what they don't condone" does not stop once the celebrations are over. it will still be going on. To me, this is a guilt trip move of note.

So? Maybe they won't go to their house while they are living together without marriage. I've known a few people that did that. Why should the parents have to agree with their lifestyle? Talk about controlling...

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Next thing I'm sure is that the parents are unfair because they won't let them sleep together when visiting the parents' house.

Tinydancer · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
I agree with LDS. The daughters are adults, and must do what is right for them. The parents do have a right to feel their girls are making a mistake, but that is where it stops. To try and guilt them into doing what moms and pops think is right will only sour the relationship. Talking to them about it is fine, but when the reply is "ok, fine, I hear you, but this is my life" they should respect that.
They are not guilting them into anything. They don't want to be a part of a celebration that they don't condone. What is so HARD for people to understand about that?
Because we've become a society where we need everyone's approval and if we don't get it we throw a fit. The girls should do what they want and the parents should say, "We don't believe in living together before marriage so we won't be coming to your party."

This is what it seems like to me with the whole sue the bakery because they won't bake my cake issue. Pure and simple, a temper tantrum followed by a money grab.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

Sorry, but if my mom pulled a stunt like this I would be pissed, amd you bet it would affect our relationship.

Ohfour · Hooker

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Sorry, but if my mom pulled a stunt like this I would be pissed, amd you bet it would affect our relationship.

Of course, because you think that your beliefs are more important than others. This comes as no surprise...

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
I agree with LDS. The daughters are adults, and must do what is right for them. The parents do have a right to feel their girls are making a mistake, but that is where it stops. To try and guilt them into doing what moms and pops think is right will only sour the relationship. Talking to them about it is fine, but when the reply is "ok, fine, I hear you, but this is my life" they should respect that.
They are not guilting them into anything. They don't want to be a part of a celebration that they don't condone. What is so HARD for people to understand about that?
Because we've become a society where we need everyone's approval and if we don't get it we throw a fit. The girls should do what they want and the parents should say, "We don't believe in living together before marriage so we won't be coming to your party."

Exactly. Why on earth do the parents have to give in to this issue?

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Ohfour wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Sorry, but if my mom pulled a stunt like this I would be pissed, amd you bet it would affect our relationship.
Of course, because you think that your beliefs are more important than others. This comes as no surprise...

Nobody is concerned at all that the daughter is doing something that goes against what their parents have taught them. If it affects their relationship - it is the daughter's doing. It's not like the parents are saying, "If you do this, we never want to talk to you again." They are skipping a party. Big flippin' whoop.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

Ohfour wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Sorry, but if my mom pulled a stunt like this I would be pissed, amd you bet it would affect our relationship.
Of course, because you think that your beliefs are more important than others. This comes as no surprise...

EVERYONE thinks their own belief is the right one, this is not news.

If mom in the op didn't think her beliefs were more important than her daughters, we wouldn't even be having this discussion.

Of course mom and dad don't have to go if they don't want to, but if they want to preserve that special bond they are so proud of, they certainly should.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Sorry, but if my mom pulled a stunt like this I would be pissed, amd you bet it would affect our relationship.
Of course, because you think that your beliefs are more important than others. This comes as no surprise...
EVERYONE thinks their own belief is the right one, this is not news.
If mom in the op didn't think her beliefs were more important than her daughters, we wouldn't even be having this discussion.
Of course mom and dad don't have to go if they don't want to, but if they want to preserve that special bond they are so proud of, they certainly should.

Why would attending a party be necessary for that? Daughter wasn't concerned about preserving that special relationship when she decided to move in with her boyfriend KNOWING her parents would not approve?

Tinydancer · Guru

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Sorry, but if my mom pulled a stunt like this I would be pissed, amd you bet it would affect our relationship.
Of course, because you think that your beliefs are more important than others. This comes as no surprise...
EVERYONE thinks their own belief is the right one, this is not news.
If mom in the op didn't think her beliefs were more important than her daughters, we wouldn't even be having this discussion.
Of course mom and dad don't have to go if they don't want to, but if they want to preserve that special bond they are so proud of, they certainly should.

Why shouldn't the daughters be preserving this special bond? They've known their whole lives how mom and dad feel about this yet did it any way. Not sure why mom and dad should be the ones to give in on something they believe so strongly.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

And letting this drive a wedge between them is not smart. They can make all the statements they want, but people remember hurt feelings and feeling disrespected, and mom and dad should think long and hard before they make decisions that affect their relationship with the parents of their future grandchildren.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
And letting this drive a wedge between them is not smart. They can make all the statements they want, but people remember hurt feelings and feeling disrespected, and mom and dad should think long and hard before they make decisions that affect their relationship with the parents of their future grandchildren.

I see. So the only feelings that matter are the daughter's.

Tinydancer · Guru

Ahhh...emotional blackmail using the grandkids. Wonderful thought on your part.

FNW · Guru

Don't approve, kindly decline the invitation.

Personally, I don't think living together without marriage is a good idea, for many reasons. But I would support my children in their decisions, and be there for them when it ends badly. And I'd bring a nice gift, something that my child wanted.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I wish my parents hadn't come to my wedding shower or wedding. They hate my DH so what they did was show up with no gift, eat a bunch of food, and bad mouth me and my DH. No thanks. Stay home.

chillepeppa · Regular

Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
The "what they don't condone" does not stop once the celebrations are over. it will still be going on. To me, this is a guilt trip move of note.
So? Maybe they won't go to their house while they are living together without marriage. I've known a few people that did that. Why should the parents have to agree with their lifestyle? Talk about controlling...

They don't have to agree at all.

But withholding their presence from their adult daughter's life till she does as they expect is NOT controlling??

Ohfour · Hooker

Tinydancer wrote:
Ahhh...emotional blackmail using the grandkids. Wonderful thought on your part.

Surprised? hmm

Ohfour · Hooker

chillepeppa wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
The "what they don't condone" does not stop once the celebrations are over. it will still be going on. To me, this is a guilt trip move of note.
So? Maybe they won't go to their house while they are living together without marriage. I've known a few people that did that. Why should the parents have to agree with their lifestyle? Talk about controlling...
They don't have to agree at all.
But withholding their presence from their adult daughter's life till she does as they expect is NOT controlling??

Withholding presence from her life? By not going to her house? Really? I see my daughter often, and rarely go to her house. Because they don't want to be at her house doesn't mean they don't see her often...

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

How many posters here have severe restrictions regarding how much contact their kids have from relatives based on how their parents or in-laws treated them or their SO? I can think of several.
When you have a person you want to share your life with, and your parents start fussing over some aspect of your relationship, it is natural to choose your SO over your parents, and once that happens, it is naive to believe that that won't impact all future relations including those of the kids.

Tinydancer · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
Ahhh...emotional blackmail using the grandkids. Wonderful thought on your part.
Surprised?

No not surprised. I've learned that some people here think EVERYTHING should be approved. What's the next thing we'll be expected to accept?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

chillepeppa wrote:
I agree with LDS. The daughters are adults, and must do what is right for them. The parents do have a right to feel their girls are making a mistake, but that is where it stops. To try and guilt them into doing what moms and pops think is right will only sour the relationship. Talking to them about it is fine, but when the reply is "ok, fine, I hear you, but this is my life" they should respect that.

LDS!!!! OK, I lean conservative, but not THAT conservative!! biggrin

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
How many posters here have severe restrictions regarding how much contact their kids have from relatives based on how their parents or in-laws treated them or their SO? I can think of several.
When you have a person you want to share your life with, and your parents start fussing over some aspect of your relationship, it is natural to choose your SO over your parents, and once that happens, it is naive to believe that that won't impact all future relations including those of the kids.

If the daughter ends her relationship with her parents over their non-attendance at a party - she's a controlling, selfish brat.

FNW · Guru

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
How many posters here have severe restrictions regarding how much contact their kids have from relatives based on how their parents or in-laws treated them or their SO? I can think of several.
When you have a person you want to share your life with, and your parents start fussing over some aspect of your relationship, it is natural to choose your SO over your parents, and once that happens, it is naive to believe that that won't impact all future relations including those of the kids.

I agree.

Sometimes as parents, we need to think with our brains and not our hearts. Continuing with this stance will breed resentment in the long run, and put distance between themselves and their children.

But if the parents are not capable of holding their tongues, forcing a genuine smile, and suppressing disapproval, they would be better off telling them have a conflict and cannot attend.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Parents are not required to approve of everything one chooses to do.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

DN is moving in with her b/f next month. They're not engaged. We've told her we don't agree with it but that she's also a 28 year old adult and can make her own decisions. We're not supporting her financially so we have no say. They're not throwing a party but we wouldn't go if she had one. We rarely go to her apartment and I doubt we'll go at all now. She moved to the third floor and stairs are an issue for me. I think they're moving into a first floor next month.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

FNW wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
How many posters here have severe restrictions regarding how much contact their kids have from relatives based on how their parents or in-laws treated them or their SO? I can think of several.
When you have a person you want to share your life with, and your parents start fussing over some aspect of your relationship, it is natural to choose your SO over your parents, and once that happens, it is naive to believe that that won't impact all future relations including those of the kids.
I agree.
Sometimes as parents, we need to think with our brains and not our hearts. Continuing with this stance will breed resentment in the long run, and put distance between themselves and their children.
But if the parents are not capable of holding their tongues, forcing a genuine smile, and suppressing disapproval, they would be better off telling them have a conflict and cannot attend.

Exactly. I doubt it is just about this one party, this attitude will seep into their interactions.

I get it, I do, my own parents were very upset when my bf and I moved in together. And they treated him nastily.

chillepeppa · Regular

Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
The "what they don't condone" does not stop once the celebrations are over. it will still be going on. To me, this is a guilt trip move of note.
So? Maybe they won't go to their house while they are living together without marriage. I've known a few people that did that. Why should the parents have to agree with their lifestyle? Talk about controlling...
They don't have to agree at all.
But withholding their presence from their adult daughter's life till she does as they expect is NOT controlling??
Withholding presence from her life? By not going to her house? Really? I see my daughter often, and rarely go to her house. Because they don't want to be at her house doesn't mean they don't see her often...

I still fail to see what the parents hope to achieve with the boycotting. And whether they meet at the house, or at a restaurant, she's still just living with this guy. Doesn't change that fact one bit.

FNW · Guru

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
FNW wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
How many posters here have severe restrictions regarding how much contact their kids have from relatives based on how their parents or in-laws treated them or their SO? I can think of several.
When you have a person you want to share your life with, and your parents start fussing over some aspect of your relationship, it is natural to choose your SO over your parents, and once that happens, it is naive to believe that that won't impact all future relations including those of the kids.
I agree.
Sometimes as parents, we need to think with our brains and not our hearts. Continuing with this stance will breed resentment in the long run, and put distance between themselves and their children.
But if the parents are not capable of holding their tongues, forcing a genuine smile, and suppressing disapproval, they would be better off telling them have a conflict and cannot attend.
Exactly. I doubt it is just about this one party, this attitude will seep into their interactions.

I get it, I do, my own parents were very upset when my bf and I moved in together. And they treated him nastily.

As my in-laws do me and our children. And yes it has put a strain on my husband's relationship with them. First, because I will no longer allow it, and that means staying away, and Mr. FNW doesn't want to go alone.

chillepeppa · Regular

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
I agree with LDS. The daughters are adults, and must do what is right for them. The parents do have a right to feel their girls are making a mistake, but that is where it stops. To try and guilt them into doing what moms and pops think is right will only sour the relationship. Talking to them about it is fine, but when the reply is "ok, fine, I hear you, but this is my life" they should respect that.
LDS!!!! OK, I lean conservative, but not THAT conservative!!

Oh crap. Sorry. Guess I need to take a minute to clean my glasses... Will go with Gaga from now on.

Ohfour · Hooker

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
FNW wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
How many posters here have severe restrictions regarding how much contact their kids have from relatives based on how their parents or in-laws treated them or their SO? I can think of several.
When you have a person you want to share your life with, and your parents start fussing over some aspect of your relationship, it is natural to choose your SO over your parents, and once that happens, it is naive to believe that that won't impact all future relations including those of the kids.
I agree.
Sometimes as parents, we need to think with our brains and not our hearts. Continuing with this stance will breed resentment in the long run, and put distance between themselves and their children.
But if the parents are not capable of holding their tongues, forcing a genuine smile, and suppressing disapproval, they would be better off telling them have a conflict and cannot attend.
Exactly. I doubt it is just about this one party, this attitude will seep into their interactions.

I get it, I do, my own parents were very upset when my bf and I moved in together. And they treated him nastily.

Are you still living with him?

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

Oops, posted too soon. Anyways, I managed to have a calm discussion with my mother where I pointed out that being nasty to my bf over nothing more than living together was NOT winning her any points, and did she want to alienate the future parents to f her grandchildren over something like that? Would it be worth it? Because her behavior towards us as a couple did not work for us, and even alone time was fullwith snide remarks about us living together, and mother or not, I ddon't have to hear that.
She was pretty quiet for a month or so, but came around in the end.
If they believe in their hearts that they can't go to a housewarming party then they need to not go.
But yeah, it will impact their relationship, and that is sad.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

Ohfour wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
FNW wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
How many posters here have severe restrictions regarding how much contact their kids have from relatives based on how their parents or in-laws treated them or their SO? I can think of several.
When you have a person you want to share your life with, and your parents start fussing over some aspect of your relationship, it is natural to choose your SO over your parents, and once that happens, it is naive to believe that that won't impact all future relations including those of the kids.
I agree.
Sometimes as parents, we need to think with our brains and not our hearts. Continuing with this stance will breed resentment in the long run, and put distance between themselves and their children.
But if the parents are not capable of holding their tongues, forcing a genuine smile, and suppressing disapproval, they would be better off telling them have a conflict and cannot attend.
Exactly. I doubt it is just about this one party, this attitude will seep into their interactions.

I get it, I do, my own parents were very upset when my bf and I moved in together. And they treated him nastily.
Are you still living with him?

Yup! Three years, and two moves later.

They got over it. They all get along great now.

Ohfour · Hooker

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Oops, posted too soon. Anyways, I managed to have a calm discussion with my mother where I pointed out that being nasty to my bf over nothing more than living together was NOT winning her any points, and did she want to alienate the future parents to f her grandchildren over something like that? Would it be worth it? Because her behavior towards us as a couple did not work for us, and even alone time was fullwith snide remarks about us living together, and mother or not, I ddon't have to hear that.
She was pretty quiet for a month or so, but came around in the end.
If they believe in their hearts that they can't go to a housewarming party then they need to not go.
But yeah, it will impact their relationship, and that is sad.

And yet, you fail to see the hypocrisy....Oh, to be a liberal...

Tinydancer · Guru

I can't believe that anyone would think it was fine to use the grandkids as a weapon. Just because they all disagree does not mean keeping the grandkids from them isn't wrong. Unless they are mistreating someone this is just emotional blackmail. I am not talking about grandparents who are nasty to the parents or kids but then I don't think refusing to go to a housewarming party is nasty.

-- Edited by Tinydancer on Tuesday 5th of May 2015 12:13:53 PM

chillepeppa · Regular

What does this have to do with being a liberal? I thought this was about an adult daughter having a negative reaction to her parents negative reaction about a decision about her life? She's certainly not breaking the law, of physically harming or costing anyone money.

Since the letter does not indicate as such, we wouldn't know how far they would take the milestone avoidance until the daughter ticks all the correct boxes. Or whether discussions were had about this, or if this was the first that the daughter actually heard about how strong her parents felt about her life choices. Things that would very much influence how I feel about the whole situation.

-- Edited by chillepeppa on Tuesday 5th of May 2015 12:19:39 PM

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

chillepeppa wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
I agree with LDS. The daughters are adults, and must do what is right for them. The parents do have a right to feel their girls are making a mistake, but that is where it stops. To try and guilt them into doing what moms and pops think is right will only sour the relationship. Talking to them about it is fine, but when the reply is "ok, fine, I hear you, but this is my life" they should respect that.
LDS!!!! OK, I lean conservative, but not THAT conservative!!
Oh crap. Sorry. Guess I need to take a minute to clean my glasses... Will go with Gaga from now on.

smile

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

FNW wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
How many posters here have severe restrictions regarding how much contact their kids have from relatives based on how their parents or in-laws treated them or their SO? I can think of several.
When you have a person you want to share your life with, and your parents start fussing over some aspect of your relationship, it is natural to choose your SO over your parents, and once that happens, it is naive to believe that that won't impact all future relations including those of the kids.
I agree.
Sometimes as parents, we need to think with our brains and not our hearts. Continuing with this stance will breed resentment in the long run, and put distance between themselves and their children.
But if the parents are not capable of holding their tongues, forcing a genuine smile, and suppressing disapproval, they would be better off telling them have a conflict and cannot attend.

I think the onus is on the Parents to lead the way. My parents did that. When I was a teen and fought with my mom at 14, my mom ALWAYS came to my bedroom at bedtime to hug me, tell me she was sorry and put that argument behind us. I now do the same with my 13 yr old DD. My mom was the most beautiful person I have ever known. And, I want to emulate her. She didn't let stupid crap ruin her relationships with her children. I don't have to agree with all my kids choices. But, I can love them anyway, no matter what.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

Ohfour wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Oops, posted too soon. Anyways, I managed to have a calm discussion with my mother where I pointed out that being nasty to my bf over nothing more than living together was NOT winning her any points, and did she want to alienate the future parents to f her grandchildren over something like that? Would it be worth it? Because her behavior towards us as a couple did not work for us, and even alone time was fullwith snide remarks about us living together, and mother or not, I ddon't have to hear that.
She was pretty quiet for a month or so, but came around in the end.
If they believe in their hearts that they can't go to a housewarming party then they need to not go.
But yeah, it will impact their relationship, and that is sad.
And yet, you fail to see the hypocrisy....Oh, to be a liberal...

What, so you should play nice with poeple even if they treat you or a loved one poorly? Someone who was unrelentingly nasty to a parent of a child should expect the relationship with the child to be perfect and sunshine and roses?

Life just isn't like that. I was not aiming to emotionally blackmail my mom, but show her what she was doing, and how it could impact her later.

And would I do it again? Yes. Because once she made an effort, she realized I had choosen a good man.

Ohfour · Hooker

I wouldn't be so sure. You've lived together for 3 years. Maybe it's time to stop playing house?

msrock · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
FNW wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
How many posters here have severe restrictions regarding how much contact their kids have from relatives based on how their parents or in-laws treated them or their SO? I can think of several.
When you have a person you want to share your life with, and your parents start fussing over some aspect of your relationship, it is natural to choose your SO over your parents, and once that happens, it is naive to believe that that won't impact all future relations including those of the kids.
I agree.
Sometimes as parents, we need to think with our brains and not our hearts. Continuing with this stance will breed resentment in the long run, and put distance between themselves and their children.
But if the parents are not capable of holding their tongues, forcing a genuine smile, and suppressing disapproval, they would be better off telling them have a conflict and cannot attend.
I think the onus is on the Parents to lead the way. My parents did that. When I was a teen and fought with my mom at 14, my mom ALWAYS came to my bedroom at bedtime to hug me, tell me she was sorry and put that argument behind us. I now do the same with my 13 yr old DD. My mom was the most beautiful person I have ever known. And, I want to emulate her. She didn't let stupid crap ruin her relationships with her children. I don't have to agree with all my kids choices. But, I can love them anyway, no matter what.

I love this. Your mom sounds like an amazing woman. Hope my kids feel that way about me someday. aww