TOTALLY GEEKED!

huskerbb · Guru

RE: Dear Abby: We Don't Approve of Cohabitating Daughter

chef · Guru

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
What's so distasteful about a wedding? It is what YOU make it. You can get married with a few people or 500. With dinners and bands abd limos or a cake from the local deli.
I hate being the center of attention, and I hate crowds.
Shy Boy hates being in the center of attention and hates crowds.
A wedding, no matter how lovely and low-ey, would at it's core be a large crowd with the two of us at the center of attention.
*shudder*
BUT, not having a wedding (i.e, eloping) would be so hurtful to a lot of people--Like his elderly Gram that welcomed me into the family so warmly, and my dear great Aunties from Florida that faithfully send cards every Christmas and birthday. They would understand, and forgive us, but they would also be so sad. I We both have warm and loving families, that would be so happy for us, and support us.
But we don't want a wedding.
We are quite happy where we are thank you. ALthough the other day my BF commented that if I got pregnant, we should get married so I could be on his insurance, because it was much better than mine and covered and I quote "All sorts of cool prenatal stuff."

I hate being the center of attention too. I felt so, so awkward at my wedding.

huskerbb · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
elphaba wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
I'm not saying there isn't anything that would be worth losing such relationships over--but this isn't it.

If my child came home and said they wanted to convert to Islam--I'm not sure we would have much of a relationship in the future.

If my child came home and said they wanted to go through transgender surgery--same thing.

Thankfully, they haven't--and this isn't those.

Also, I find it fairly amusing that while living together is such a great sin and such an important value to several on here--apparently staying married wasn't.
Hey, I agree with husker!
So if your spouse won't stop cheating on you or beats on you, you should just stay in the marriage?

Proves my point. Many people compromise their values to some degree when it suits them or the situation requires it.

elphaba · Newbie

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
elphaba wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
I'm not saying there isn't anything that would be worth losing such relationships over--but this isn't it.

If my child came home and said they wanted to convert to Islam--I'm not sure we would have much of a relationship in the future.

If my child came home and said they wanted to go through transgender surgery--same thing.

Thankfully, they haven't--and this isn't those.

Also, I find it fairly amusing that while living together is such a great sin and such an important value to several on here--apparently staying married wasn't.
Hey, I agree with husker!
So if your spouse won't stop cheating on you or beats on you, you should just stay in the marriage?

Absolutely not. But because we had a long trial period before we got married, I think I had a much better potential of weeding out these potential issues before the wedding and thus avoiding divorce. YMMV.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

huskerbb wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
elphaba wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
I'm not saying there isn't anything that would be worth losing such relationships over--but this isn't it.

If my child came home and said they wanted to convert to Islam--I'm not sure we would have much of a relationship in the future.

If my child came home and said they wanted to go through transgender surgery--same thing.

Thankfully, they haven't--and this isn't those.

Also, I find it fairly amusing that while living together is such a great sin and such an important value to several on here--apparently staying married wasn't.
Hey, I agree with husker!
So if your spouse won't stop cheating on you or beats on you, you should just stay in the marriage?
Proves my point. Many people compromise their values to some degree when it suits them or the situation requires it.

Well, even the Bible says divorce is acceptable in these situations. So, not sure how that is compromising your values.

huskerbb · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
elphaba wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
I'm not saying there isn't anything that would be worth losing such relationships over--but this isn't it.

If my child came home and said they wanted to convert to Islam--I'm not sure we would have much of a relationship in the future.

If my child came home and said they wanted to go through transgender surgery--same thing.

Thankfully, they haven't--and this isn't those.

Also, I find it fairly amusing that while living together is such a great sin and such an important value to several on here--apparently staying married wasn't.
Hey, I agree with husker!
So if your spouse won't stop cheating on you or beats on you, you should just stay in the marriage?
Proves my point. Many people compromise their values to some degree when it suits them or the situation requires it.
Well, even the Bible says divorce is acceptable in these situations. So, not sure how that is compromising your values.

Not really it doesn't.

The Bible gives two clear grounds for divorce: (1) sexual immorality (Matthew 5:32; 19:9) and (2) abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:15). Even in these two instances, though, divorce is not required or even encouraged. The most that can be said is that sexual immorality and abandonment are grounds (an allowance) for divorce. Confession, forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration are always the first steps. Divorce should only be viewed as a last resort.

You might fit the cheating one into the first--but I'm not sure you want to use the first Matthew verse as your proof text since it specifies only the husband's right to divorce his wife--and also says one who marries a divorced woman is an adulterer.

Matthew 5:32

³²But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

I'm not saying you, or anyone else, should not have gotten divorced under the circumstances you did--but I do think it's hypocritical to so loudly pronounce one "value" when you did compromise another.

huskerbb · Guru

Here's the 19:9 verse. Pretty much the same:

Matthew 19:9

9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.

huskerbb · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.

Then why does that not then apply to the daughters in this situation?

So YOU get to set your own values and that is between you and God--but these other ADULTS don't have that right?

Stunning hypocrisy.

-- Edited by huskerbb on Tuesday 5th of May 2015 10:49:57 PM

-- Edited by huskerbb on Tuesday 5th of May 2015 10:50:37 PM

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

husker you make up your own rules as you go along. I don't argue with you.

huskerbb · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
husker you make up your own rules as you go along. I don't argue with you.

Because you know I'm right.

It's all well and good to tell other ADULTS what their values should be--but you don't want someone else telling you what yours should be?

What's the difference? You have rights and they don't? You get to disapprove of them but you are above reproach somehow (when you aren't)?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

The mom isn't telling the daughter what to believe and what not to believe. Go back and reread it because you're not reading it right. Nowhere does it say the mother is telling the daughter how to live her life as of right now. And nowhere in that entire OP does it say the mother and father are never going to go to the daughter's house ever again or that they will never ever speak to her ever again or that they'll call her kids bastards like some have said. They simply said they don't want to go to a house warming party. They are not telling the daughter how to live her life or that she's making a mistake or that they hate her. They just don't want to go to THIS party. They never said they won't go to a birthday party or a Christmas party or anything else. So would it just be better for them to lie and say they were busy that day? People are blowing this way out of proportion. They don't want to go to ONE party. They're not disinheriting their daughter. If the daughter is as grown up and wonderful as they say she should understand. If this ONE party ruins their relationship then they didn't have a very good one to begin with. And what's to keep the daughter from crying like a little school girl if they can't go to another party down the road for some reason? It's ONE party. If, down the road, they miss a birthday party are we going to hear how the parents no longer love and adore her because they didn't dote on her every second? You and your parents don't have to agree on every single thing. And if you are an adult you can compromise. "Hey Mom, I really wish you and Dad would come but I understand how you feel. I hope you make the Fourth of July party next month."

Lindley · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
The mom isn't telling the daughter what to believe and what not to believe. Go back and reread it because you're not reading it right. Nowhere does it say the mother is telling the daughter how to live her life as of right now. And nowhere in that entire OP does it say the mother and father are never going to go to the daughter's house ever again or that they will never ever speak to her ever again or that they'll call her kids bastards like some have said. They simply said they don't want to go to a house warming party. They are not telling the daughter how to live her life or that she's making a mistake or that they hate her. They just don't want to go to THIS party. They never said they won't go to a birthday party or a Christmas party or anything else. So would it just be better for them to lie and say they were busy that day? People are blowing this way out of proportion. They don't want to go to ONE party. They're not disinheriting their daughter. If the daughter is as grown up and wonderful as they say she should understand. If this ONE party ruins their relationship then they didn't have a very good one to begin with. And what's to keep the daughter from crying like a little school girl if they can't go to another party down the road for some reason? It's ONE party. If, down the road, they miss a birthday party are we going to hear how the parents no longer love and adore her because they didn't dote on her every second? You and your parents don't have to agree on every single thing. And if you are an adult you can compromise. "Hey Mom, I really wish you and Dad would come but I understand how you feel. I hope you make the Fourth of July party next month."

I agree

WYSIWYG · Guru

This thread moved fast!

I really don't feel like staying up long enough to go through the whole thread, and probably want to answer a dozen or more posts, so I'm just going to make my comments on the opening post.

As individuals we all have a right to our beliefs. When those beliefs clash, friction can be caused, it's up to each one of us to decide how we want to handle that friction. In this particular case, the friction is caused by a difference of beliefs between a daughter that lives with her boyfriend apparently believing there's nothing wrong with it, and parents who believe it to be wrong.

I believe the parents are risking losing a connection with their daughter over this. While there is plenty of foundation for their belief, I believe this situation falls under the "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" part of the Bible. They should feel free to walk in, as an invited guest, even make a polite comment along the lines of "You know we don't approve of living together before marriage, but we wanted to show our support of you being able to leave the nest and find success and happiness and ability to make a home."

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I can't believe someone would say you have the right to your beliefs but you should throw them out the window for your kid. And honestly, if my parents came to my party and said, "You know we don't approve of living together before marriage, but we wanted show our support of you being able to leave the nest and find success and happiness and ability to make a home." I'd rather them not come at all. Nice way to insult my choices followed up with some sarcasm. It's just plain rude to go to a party just to announce you don't support the party. Just don't go. Wouldn't that be nice to have your parents sitting around with all your friends and his parents and talking about how they don't approve of you? Why would you even invite someone that was going to do that.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I also think it's fantastically hypocritical for people to yell and say "Those stupid women just stay in these abusive marriages. How stupid can they be? They deserve to be killed for staying." Then when a woman gets out of an abusive marriage all of a sudden she's a slut and an adulterer because she didn't stay in the marriage and her values are in question. She's no longer worthy of being with anyone and should just go hide because of her sinfulness. I don't buy all this bullchit. I'm the first to say you should try to work on your marriage. But there comes a time when even God would tell you to hit the road.

chillepeppa · Regular

I certainly do not want them to abandon their values. They can do with their values whatever they see fit. She will, however, still be living with the boyfriend the next morning.

I guess the crux of the matter for me would be how far they are planning to take this non-abandonment of values.

*cue think bubble*
Wonder if one of Gaga's next Dear Abby's would include one about a certain young lady who's parents are pressuring her to get married because that is what they want and not what she's ready for.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
What I want to know is what you accomplish by going verses not going. Because I am not seeing any pros to boycotting a celebration for a big achievement (buying a house!) and I am seeing a fairly big con.
I mean, yay, you have your precious VALUES!
And I hope they comfort you years down the road when you have let them divide you from your children.

This is the problem. You have no respect for values that are not yours.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
This isn't any different from the baker not baking the cake for a gay wedding.

The parents do not approve of the
is living arrangement and they don't have to pretend that they do.

They can make whatever choice they want to--but they will ruin their relationship with their daughters if they persist with this behavior--and likely lock themselves out of the lives of future grandchildren.

And for what? To show that, um, they have these "values"? Their daughters already know what their values are and have chosen a different path for themselves. It's FOOLISH to expect that even your children's values will exactly mirror your own.

Bull. If refusing to attend a party ruins their relationship, their daughter is a bitch and they don't have much of one to begin with.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Let's say we aren't talking about cohabitation--but another value--one which also happens to be a "sin".

Smoking pot (assume you aren't in Colorado or one of the other states it is legal). Let's say that is has always been your value to avoid drugs and follow the law to the best of your ability. You tried to deeply instill that value into your children.

Yet, now they are 30 and they toke up.

Are you going to refuse to ever go over to their house because you know they smoke pot? What about their children? Would you turn them in to the authorities because they are breaking the law? Possibly throw your grandkids into CPS--or have them come live with you--even for a short time?

Or would you take a more reasonable approach that as long as they don't toke up right in front of you--then you'll ignore it to the best of your ability in order to have a good relationship with your children and grandchildren?

I would hope the latter.

It's not so different from cohabitation. You don't have to LIKE their decision--but be honest. Living together isn't the "sin", it's the premarital sex. So, like toking up, as long as they aren't doing the nasty right in front of you--can you just ignore it to the best of your ability in order to maintain a strong relationship. A relationship that while you HAVE IT can be used to encourage them to marry--and if you DON'T, then you can't.

If they are smoking pot in their house, then hell yes, I'm going to refuse to go to their house. If they are an alcoholic and continue to have drunken parties - I'm going to refuse to go to those. I am their PARENT - I do not have to condone or otherwise support stupid ass decision that go against what I have taught them.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.

He just shrugs off living together in sin so his opinion regarding sexual sin isn't worth much, anyway.

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

Many years ago my sister was living with her bf. My mother would not visit her home because she didn't approve of living together without marriage. Sis understood. It didn't spoil the relationship because sis wasn't a spoiled brat and respected my mother's values.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lindley wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
The mom isn't telling the daughter what to believe and what not to believe. Go back and reread it because you're not reading it right. Nowhere does it say the mother is telling the daughter how to live her life as of right now. And nowhere in that entire OP does it say the mother and father are never going to go to the daughter's house ever again or that they will never ever speak to her ever again or that they'll call her kids bastards like some have said. They simply said they don't want to go to a house warming party. They are not telling the daughter how to live her life or that she's making a mistake or that they hate her. They just don't want to go to THIS party. They never said they won't go to a birthday party or a Christmas party or anything else. So would it just be better for them to lie and say they were busy that day? People are blowing this way out of proportion. They don't want to go to ONE party. They're not disinheriting their daughter. If the daughter is as grown up and wonderful as they say she should understand. If this ONE party ruins their relationship then they didn't have a very good one to begin with. And what's to keep the daughter from crying like a little school girl if they can't go to another party down the road for some reason? It's ONE party. If, down the road, they miss a birthday party are we going to hear how the parents no longer love and adore her because they didn't dote on her every second? You and your parents don't have to agree on every single thing. And if you are an adult you can compromise. "Hey Mom, I really wish you and Dad would come but I understand how you feel. I hope you make the Fourth of July party next month."
I agree

Me, too. This thread is wacko to me.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Southern_Belle wrote:
Many years ago my sister was living with her bf. My mother would not visit her home because she didn't approve of living together without marriage. Sis understood. It didn't spoil the relationship because sis wasn't a spoiled brat and respected my mother's values.

Which is how an ADULT child should respond. They keep saying this girl is an adult but it will ruin her relationship with her parents if they don't go - that's not acting like an adult, it's acting like a petulant child.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.

I agree with that. MY life is my life. I am an adult. I will have to answer to God for my life and my choices. I don't have to answer to God for your life or my kids' lives or anyone else's life. BTW, what is the "line" of living out your values. I have Jewish friends and they have values but they don't seem to push society to convert to their way of thinking in the same way that Christians do. And, neither do the Amish. They just go quietly about living THEIR lives. I think we spend far too much time minding other people's business. And, I really don't care if you "approve" or don't approve of how I live. It's not your decision to make.

And, an adult child is an ADULT. Yes, that is your child. Yes, I agree, since you have the relationship you can absolutely speak your mind concerning their lifestyle. But, you don't get to live their life for them. You don't get to parent their children or choose their mate or decide how they are going to be in the world. And, it seems we are getting more and more to the point where nobody can get along because no matter who it is, you are ALWAYS going to find something with which you disagree.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.
I agree with that. MY life is my life. I am an adult. I will have to answer to God for my life and my choices. I don't have to answer to God for your life or my kids' lives or anyone else's life. BTW, what is the "line" of living out your values. I have Jewish friends and they have values but they don't seem to push society to convert to their way of thinking in the same way that Christians do. And, neither do the Amish. They just go quietly about living THEIR lives. I think we spend far too much time minding other people's business. And, I really don't care if you "approve" or don't approve of how I live. It's not your decision to make.
And, an adult child is an ADULT. Yes, that is your child. Yes, I agree, since you have the relationship you can absolutely speak your mind concerning their lifestyle. But, you don't get to live their life for them. You don't get to parent their children or choose their mate or decide how they are going to be in the world. And, it seems we are getting more and more to the point where nobody can get along because no matter who it is, you are ALWAYS going to find something with which you disagree.

Thank you.

I was becoming appalled by the lack of human compassion on this thread.

flan

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.
I agree with that. MY life is my life. I am an adult. I will have to answer to God for my life and my choices. I don't have to answer to God for your life or my kids' lives or anyone else's life. BTW, what is the "line" of living out your values. I have Jewish friends and they have values but they don't seem to push society to convert to their way of thinking in the same way that Christians do. And, neither do the Amish. They just go quietly about living THEIR lives. I think we spend far too much time minding other people's business. And, I really don't care if you "approve" or don't approve of how I live. It's not your decision to make.
And, an adult child is an ADULT. Yes, that is your child. Yes, I agree, since you have the relationship you can absolutely speak your mind concerning their lifestyle. But, you don't get to live their life for them. You don't get to parent their children or choose their mate or decide how they are going to be in the world. And, it seems we are getting more and more to the point where nobody can get along because no matter who it is, you are ALWAYS going to find something with which you disagree.
Thank you.
I was becoming appalled by the lack of human compassion on this thread.
flan

Give me a break. Just like you don't get to live your adult child's life for them, they don't get to dictate to their adult parents whether they have to celebrate the decisions they make. It goes both ways.

Seriously, this is why so many people are VSS - their parents will do whatever to please them. You going to hold the bong for them when they want to get high, too?

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

But a person also has the right to not condone and rubber stamp behavior they don't agree with.

These are adults. They grew up with these parents. They knew beyond a doubt how mom and dad feels about Co habitation.

So yes, they are adults. And that means your decisions will not get the rah-rah you want.

An adult will not expect another to blindly accept their decision.

Tinydancer · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.
I agree with that. MY life is my life. I am an adult. I will have to answer to God for my life and my choices. I don't have to answer to God for your life or my kids' lives or anyone else's life. BTW, what is the "line" of living out your values. I have Jewish friends and they have values but they don't seem to push society to convert to their way of thinking in the same way that Christians do. And, neither do the Amish. They just go quietly about living THEIR lives. I think we spend far too much time minding other people's business. And, I really don't care if you "approve" or don't approve of how I live. It's not your decision to make.
And, an adult child is an ADULT. Yes, that is your child. Yes, I agree, since you have the relationship you can absolutely speak your mind concerning their lifestyle. But, you don't get to live their life for them. You don't get to parent their children or choose their mate or decide how they are going to be in the world. And, it seems we are getting more and more to the point where nobody can get along because no matter who it is, you are ALWAYS going to find something with which you disagree.
Thank you.
I was becoming appalled by the lack of human compassion on this thread.
flan

Dramatic much...lol

chillepeppa · Regular

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
DEAR ABBY: Our amazing daughters are in their late 20s. Both of them are independent, intelligent and loving. The four of us have a special bond. My wife and I have always been supportive in all aspects of our daughters' lives, and that will never change.
They have been dating great guys over the past five years whom we believe they will ultimately marry. The problem? My wife and I were raised with certain values, and our daughters have recently moved in with their boyfriends. We do not approve, but respect their decisions as adults.
One daughter plans to have an open-house party celebrating their new place. She's upset that my wife and I have indicated we won't be attending, because doing so would be difficult and against our beliefs. We have understood her decision, but she does not appear to respect ours. Are we wrong to take this stance? -- AGAINST THE TIDE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR AGAINST: I think so. Your daughter is an adult. Do you plan to continue "punishing" her and the man you say you approve of until they tie the knot? She and her boyfriend have been a couple for five years now, and their relationship appears to be progressing nicely. It's not unusual for couples today to live together. I see nothing to be gained by skipping their open house -- but I do see something to lose

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2015/5/5/parents-with-strong-beliefs-wont-visit

So how should Dear Abby have addressed this if not like she actually did?

PS: Although I quoted Gaga, this is not addressed to her specifically as the usual format would dictate. I quoted for reference of DA answer...

-- Edited by chillepeppa on Wednesday 6th of May 2015 08:00:56 AM

huskerbb · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
The mom isn't telling the daughter what to believe and what not to believe. Go back and reread it because you're not reading it right. Nowhere does it say the mother is telling the daughter how to live her life as of right now. And nowhere in that entire OP does it say the mother and father are never going to go to the daughter's house ever again or that they will never ever speak to her ever again or that they'll call her kids bastards like some have said. They simply said they don't want to go to a house warming party. They are not telling the daughter how to live her life or that she's making a mistake or that they hate her. They just don't want to go to THIS party. They never said they won't go to a birthday party or a Christmas party or anything else. So would it just be better for them to lie and say they were busy that day? People are blowing this way out of proportion. They don't want to go to ONE party. They're not disinheriting their daughter. If the daughter is as grown up and wonderful as they say she should understand. If this ONE party ruins their relationship then they didn't have a very good one to begin with. And what's to keep the daughter from crying like a little school girl if they can't go to another party down the road for some reason? It's ONE party. If, down the road, they miss a birthday party are we going to hear how the parents no longer love and adore her because they didn't dote on her every second? You and your parents don't have to agree on every single thing. And if you are an adult you can compromise. "Hey Mom, I really wish you and Dad would come but I understand how you feel. I hope you make the Fourth of July party next month."

Of course she is. She is doing exactly that--do it my way or I will not come to your events, and if you think this is only "one party" you are daft. This attitude would definitely spill over in to how she treats the boyfriend, how she interacts with her daughters on a daily basis, and it will affect her view of any children they might have, especially if they don't get married.

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
But a person also has the right to not condone and rubber stamp behavior they don't agree with.

These are adults. They grew up with these parents. They knew beyond a doubt how mom and dad feels about Co habitation.

So yes, they are adults. And that means your decisions will not get the rah-rah you want.

An adult will not expect another to blindly accept their decision.

That depends on if you want a relationship with that person or not.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:
Many years ago my sister was living with her bf. My mother would not visit her home because she didn't approve of living together without marriage. Sis understood. It didn't spoil the relationship because sis wasn't a spoiled brat and respected my mother's values.
Which is how an ADULT child should respond. They keep saying this girl is an adult but it will ruin her relationship with her parents if they don't go - that's not acting like an adult, it's acting like a petulant child.

It's reality. Again, what if their value was such that they were against interracial dating and the guy was of a different race?

Tinydancer · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
The mom isn't telling the daughter what to believe and what not to believe. Go back and reread it because you're not reading it right. Nowhere does it say the mother is telling the daughter how to live her life as of right now. And nowhere in that entire OP does it say the mother and father are never going to go to the daughter's house ever again or that they will never ever speak to her ever again or that they'll call her kids bastards like some have said. They simply said they don't want to go to a house warming party. They are not telling the daughter how to live her life or that she's making a mistake or that they hate her. They just don't want to go to THIS party. They never said they won't go to a birthday party or a Christmas party or anything else. So would it just be better for them to lie and say they were busy that day? People are blowing this way out of proportion. They don't want to go to ONE party. They're not disinheriting their daughter. If the daughter is as grown up and wonderful as they say she should understand. If this ONE party ruins their relationship then they didn't have a very good one to begin with. And what's to keep the daughter from crying like a little school girl if they can't go to another party down the road for some reason? It's ONE party. If, down the road, they miss a birthday party are we going to hear how the parents no longer love and adore her because they didn't dote on her every second? You and your parents don't have to agree on every single thing. And if you are an adult you can compromise. "Hey Mom, I really wish you and Dad would come but I understand how you feel. I hope you make the Fourth of July party next month."
Of course she is. She is doing exactly that--do it my way or I will not come to your events, and if you think this is only "one party" you are daft. This attitude would definitely spill over in to how she treats the boyfriend, how she interacts with her daughters on a daily basis, and it will affect her view of any children they might have, especially if they don't get married.

Boy you assume a lot about people you've never met from just her question to Dear Abby. No where in the letter does she state she won't go to other parties (that don't celebrate their desire to live in sin) or that she'll hold them not being married against her daughters nonexistent children.

huskerbb · Guru

Tinydancer wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
The mom isn't telling the daughter what to believe and what not to believe. Go back and reread it because you're not reading it right. Nowhere does it say the mother is telling the daughter how to live her life as of right now. And nowhere in that entire OP does it say the mother and father are never going to go to the daughter's house ever again or that they will never ever speak to her ever again or that they'll call her kids bastards like some have said. They simply said they don't want to go to a house warming party. They are not telling the daughter how to live her life or that she's making a mistake or that they hate her. They just don't want to go to THIS party. They never said they won't go to a birthday party or a Christmas party or anything else. So would it just be better for them to lie and say they were busy that day? People are blowing this way out of proportion. They don't want to go to ONE party. They're not disinheriting their daughter. If the daughter is as grown up and wonderful as they say she should understand. If this ONE party ruins their relationship then they didn't have a very good one to begin with. And what's to keep the daughter from crying like a little school girl if they can't go to another party down the road for some reason? It's ONE party. If, down the road, they miss a birthday party are we going to hear how the parents no longer love and adore her because they didn't dote on her every second? You and your parents don't have to agree on every single thing. And if you are an adult you can compromise. "Hey Mom, I really wish you and Dad would come but I understand how you feel. I hope you make the Fourth of July party next month."
Of course she is. She is doing exactly that--do it my way or I will not come to your events, and if you think this is only "one party" you are daft. This attitude would definitely spill over in to how she treats the boyfriend, how she interacts with her daughters on a daily basis, and it will affect her view of any children they might have, especially if they don't get married.
Boy you assume a lot about people you've never met from just her question to Dear Abby. No where in the letter does she state she won't go to other parties (that don't celebrate their desire to live in sin) or that she'll hold them not being married against her daughters nonexistent children.

Bet me. I'll win.

huskerbb · Guru

WYSIWYG wrote:
This thread moved fast!

I really don't feel like staying up long enough to go through the whole thread, and probably want to answer a dozen or more posts, so I'm just going to make my comments on the opening post.

As individuals we all have a right to our beliefs. When those beliefs clash, friction can be caused, it's up to each one of us to decide how we want to handle that friction. In this particular case, the friction is caused by a difference of beliefs between a daughter that lives with her boyfriend apparently believing there's nothing wrong with it, and parents who believe it to be wrong.

I believe the parents are risking losing a connection with their daughter over this. While there is plenty of foundation for their belief, I believe this situation falls under the "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" part of the Bible. They should feel free to walk in, as an invited guest, even make a polite comment along the lines of "You know we don't approve of living together before marriage, but we wanted to show our support of you being able to leave the nest and find success and happiness and ability to make a home."

Of course they are.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.
He just shrugs off living together in sin so his opinion regarding sexual sin isn't worth much, anyway.

No, I just laugh at the rank hypocrisy of those who say things like "I'm an adult and I can set my own values, but by God no other adults have that right if I don't agree with them."

Tinydancer · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
The mom isn't telling the daughter what to believe and what not to believe. Go back and reread it because you're not reading it right. Nowhere does it say the mother is telling the daughter how to live her life as of right now. And nowhere in that entire OP does it say the mother and father are never going to go to the daughter's house ever again or that they will never ever speak to her ever again or that they'll call her kids bastards like some have said. They simply said they don't want to go to a house warming party. They are not telling the daughter how to live her life or that she's making a mistake or that they hate her. They just don't want to go to THIS party. They never said they won't go to a birthday party or a Christmas party or anything else. So would it just be better for them to lie and say they were busy that day? People are blowing this way out of proportion. They don't want to go to ONE party. They're not disinheriting their daughter. If the daughter is as grown up and wonderful as they say she should understand. If this ONE party ruins their relationship then they didn't have a very good one to begin with. And what's to keep the daughter from crying like a little school girl if they can't go to another party down the road for some reason? It's ONE party. If, down the road, they miss a birthday party are we going to hear how the parents no longer love and adore her because they didn't dote on her every second? You and your parents don't have to agree on every single thing. And if you are an adult you can compromise. "Hey Mom, I really wish you and Dad would come but I understand how you feel. I hope you make the Fourth of July party next month."
Of course she is. She is doing exactly that--do it my way or I will not come to your events, and if you think this is only "one party" you are daft. This attitude would definitely spill over in to how she treats the boyfriend, how she interacts with her daughters on a daily basis, and it will affect her view of any children they might have, especially if they don't get married.
Boy you assume a lot about people you've never met from just her question to Dear Abby. No where in the letter does she state she won't go to other parties (that don't celebrate their desire to live in sin) or that she'll hold them not being married against her daughters nonexistent children.
Bet me. I'll win.

Sure because you're psychic as well as omnipotent...lol.

chillepeppa · Regular

Tinydancer wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
The mom isn't telling the daughter what to believe and what not to believe. Go back and reread it because you're not reading it right. Nowhere does it say the mother is telling the daughter how to live her life as of right now. And nowhere in that entire OP does it say the mother and father are never going to go to the daughter's house ever again or that they will never ever speak to her ever again or that they'll call her kids bastards like some have said. They simply said they don't want to go to a house warming party. They are not telling the daughter how to live her life or that she's making a mistake or that they hate her. They just don't want to go to THIS party. They never said they won't go to a birthday party or a Christmas party or anything else. So would it just be better for them to lie and say they were busy that day? People are blowing this way out of proportion. They don't want to go to ONE party. They're not disinheriting their daughter. If the daughter is as grown up and wonderful as they say she should understand. If this ONE party ruins their relationship then they didn't have a very good one to begin with. And what's to keep the daughter from crying like a little school girl if they can't go to another party down the road for some reason? It's ONE party. If, down the road, they miss a birthday party are we going to hear how the parents no longer love and adore her because they didn't dote on her every second? You and your parents don't have to agree on every single thing. And if you are an adult you can compromise. "Hey Mom, I really wish you and Dad would come but I understand how you feel. I hope you make the Fourth of July party next month."
Of course she is. She is doing exactly that--do it my way or I will not come to your events, and if you think this is only "one party" you are daft. This attitude would definitely spill over in to how she treats the boyfriend, how she interacts with her daughters on a daily basis, and it will affect her view of any children they might have, especially if they don't get married.
Boy you assume a lot about people you've never met from just her question to Dear Abby. No where in the letter does she state she won't go to other parties (that don't celebrate their desire to live in sin) or that she'll hold them not being married against her daughters nonexistent children.
Bet me. I'll win.
Sure because you're psychic as well as omnipotent...lol.

A3nl0vQCcAAqB-_.jpg:large

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.
He just shrugs off living together in sin so his opinion regarding sexual sin isn't worth much, anyway.
No, I just laugh at the rank hypocrisy of those who say things like "I'm an adult and I can set my own values, but by God no other adults have that right if I don't agree with them."

Thank you!

flan

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.
I agree with that. MY life is my life. I am an adult. I will have to answer to God for my life and my choices. I don't have to answer to God for your life or my kids' lives or anyone else's life. BTW, what is the "line" of living out your values. I have Jewish friends and they have values but they don't seem to push society to convert to their way of thinking in the same way that Christians do. And, neither do the Amish. They just go quietly about living THEIR lives. I think we spend far too much time minding other people's business. And, I really don't care if you "approve" or don't approve of how I live. It's not your decision to make.
And, an adult child is an ADULT. Yes, that is your child. Yes, I agree, since you have the relationship you can absolutely speak your mind concerning their lifestyle. But, you don't get to live their life for them. You don't get to parent their children or choose their mate or decide how they are going to be in the world. And, it seems we are getting more and more to the point where nobody can get along because no matter who it is, you are ALWAYS going to find something with which you disagree.
Thank you.
I was becoming appalled by the lack of human compassion on this thread.
flan
Give me a break. Just like you don't get to live your adult child's life for them, they don't get to dictate to their adult parents whether they have to celebrate the decisions they make. It goes both ways.
Seriously, this is why so many people are VSS - their parents will do whatever to please them. You going to hold the bong for them when they want to get high, too?

You know nothing about MY grown children.

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.
I agree with that. MY life is my life. I am an adult. I will have to answer to God for my life and my choices. I don't have to answer to God for your life or my kids' lives or anyone else's life. BTW, what is the "line" of living out your values. I have Jewish friends and they have values but they don't seem to push society to convert to their way of thinking in the same way that Christians do. And, neither do the Amish. They just go quietly about living THEIR lives. I think we spend far too much time minding other people's business. And, I really don't care if you "approve" or don't approve of how I live. It's not your decision to make.
And, an adult child is an ADULT. Yes, that is your child. Yes, I agree, since you have the relationship you can absolutely speak your mind concerning their lifestyle. But, you don't get to live their life for them. You don't get to parent their children or choose their mate or decide how they are going to be in the world. And, it seems we are getting more and more to the point where nobody can get along because no matter who it is, you are ALWAYS going to find something with which you disagree.
Thank you.
I was becoming appalled by the lack of human compassion on this thread.
flan
Give me a break. Just like you don't get to live your adult child's life for them, they don't get to dictate to their adult parents whether they have to celebrate the decisions they make. It goes both ways.
Seriously, this is why so many people are VSS - their parents will do whatever to please them. You going to hold the bong for them when they want to get high, too?
You know nothing about MY grown children.
flan

We know lot's about your grown children because you put it on here although I think LL was speaking in general terms. Not sure why you took it personal as usual.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Here's the 19:9 verse. Pretty much the same:

Matthew 19:9

9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Here's one for you -

HONOR THY MOTHER AND THY FATHER.

Not -

Condone and celebrate whatever sins your adult children decide to participate in.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

chef wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
What's so distasteful about a wedding? It is what YOU make it. You can get married with a few people or 500. With dinners and bands abd limos or a cake from the local deli.
I hate being the center of attention, and I hate crowds.
Shy Boy hates being in the center of attention and hates crowds.
A wedding, no matter how lovely and low-ey, would at it's core be a large crowd with the two of us at the center of attention.
*shudder*
BUT, not having a wedding (i.e, eloping) would be so hurtful to a lot of people--Like his elderly Gram that welcomed me into the family so warmly, and my dear great Aunties from Florida that faithfully send cards every Christmas and birthday. They would understand, and forgive us, but they would also be so sad. I We both have warm and loving families, that would be so happy for us, and support us.
But we don't want a wedding.
We are quite happy where we are thank you. ALthough the other day my BF commented that if I got pregnant, we should get married so I could be on his insurance, because it was much better than mine and covered and I quote "All sorts of cool prenatal stuff."

I hate being the center of attention too. I felt so, so awkward at my wedding.

So don't have a wedding. That's not really an excuse. You can spend 5 minutes in front of a judge and have it done.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

huskerbb wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
But a person also has the right to not condone and rubber stamp behavior they don't agree with.

These are adults. They grew up with these parents. They knew beyond a doubt how mom and dad feels about Co habitation.

So yes, they are adults. And that means your decisions will not get the rah-rah you want.

An adult will not expect another to blindly accept their decision.
That depends on if you want a relationship with that person or not.

No. Not at all.

Parents don't have to glitter and star a child's behavior. A parent has every right to tell an adult child they can not and will not support a behavior.

An adult child can do as they please.

One thing doesn't have to end a relationship.

If it does, the relationship ship was never as solid as it should have been.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Tinydancer wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.
I agree with that. MY life is my life. I am an adult. I will have to answer to God for my life and my choices. I don't have to answer to God for your life or my kids' lives or anyone else's life. BTW, what is the "line" of living out your values. I have Jewish friends and they have values but they don't seem to push society to convert to their way of thinking in the same way that Christians do. And, neither do the Amish. They just go quietly about living THEIR lives. I think we spend far too much time minding other people's business. And, I really don't care if you "approve" or don't approve of how I live. It's not your decision to make.
And, an adult child is an ADULT. Yes, that is your child. Yes, I agree, since you have the relationship you can absolutely speak your mind concerning their lifestyle. But, you don't get to live their life for them. You don't get to parent their children or choose their mate or decide how they are going to be in the world. And, it seems we are getting more and more to the point where nobody can get along because no matter who it is, you are ALWAYS going to find something with which you disagree.
Thank you.
I was becoming appalled by the lack of human compassion on this thread.
flan
Dramatic much...lol

Seriously. It's about as bad as she thinks "the sky is falling" claims are.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.
I agree with that. MY life is my life. I am an adult. I will have to answer to God for my life and my choices. I don't have to answer to God for your life or my kids' lives or anyone else's life. BTW, what is the "line" of living out your values. I have Jewish friends and they have values but they don't seem to push society to convert to their way of thinking in the same way that Christians do. And, neither do the Amish. They just go quietly about living THEIR lives. I think we spend far too much time minding other people's business. And, I really don't care if you "approve" or don't approve of how I live. It's not your decision to make.
And, an adult child is an ADULT. Yes, that is your child. Yes, I agree, since you have the relationship you can absolutely speak your mind concerning their lifestyle. But, you don't get to live their life for them. You don't get to parent their children or choose their mate or decide how they are going to be in the world. And, it seems we are getting more and more to the point where nobody can get along because no matter who it is, you are ALWAYS going to find something with which you disagree.
Thank you.
I was becoming appalled by the lack of human compassion on this thread.
flan
Give me a break. Just like you don't get to live your adult child's life for them, they don't get to dictate to their adult parents whether they have to celebrate the decisions they make. It goes both ways.
Seriously, this is why so many people are VSS - their parents will do whatever to please them. You going to hold the bong for them when they want to get high, too?
You know nothing about MY grown children.
flan

Actually, that's not true. I know what you have shared here, and much of that is very telling. Although, TD was right, I was speaking in general terms.

-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Wednesday 6th of May 2015 10:03:10 AM

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I have to answer to God and only God. So, I'm not too worried about your opinion.
He just shrugs off living together in sin so his opinion regarding sexual sin isn't worth much, anyway.
No, I just laugh at the rank hypocrisy of those who say things like "I'm an adult and I can set my own values, but by God no other adults have that right if I don't agree with them."

I agree. That's EXACTLY what the "grown" child is doing.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

When I got married, it was quite an issue. I was marrying into a Catholic family and I was not having a Catholic wedding. My DH was sent letters from his aunts talking about how are marriage would not be valid in the eyes of God. His grandparents consulted their priest about whether to attend the wedding. Thier priest told them not to witness the ceremony, but they could go to the reception. So, their plan was to arrive after the ceremony - our wedding and reception were in the same place. We started late because the weather was horrible and traffic was a nightmare, so they arrived in time for the ceremony. They sat in the back with their backs turned to the entire thing. Now, we COULD have been brats about it and made a stand about how disrespectful they were to US. But, instead, we decided that respecting their feelings and beliefs was more important. And the next day, instead of leaving for our honeymoon, we stayed and attended their 60th wedding anniversary party. They were both surprised and delighted to see us there.

So, those of you who say this is on the parents - you have it backwards. This is totally on the daughter to respect and HONOR her parents beliefs on the matter and not be a brat about it.

chillepeppa · Regular

Lawyerlady wrote:
When I got married, it was quite an issue. I was marrying into a Catholic family and I was not having a Catholic wedding. My DH was sent letters from his aunts talking about how are marriage would not be valid in the eyes of God. His grandparents consulted their priest about whether to attend the wedding. Thier priest told them not to witness the ceremony, but they could go to the reception. So, their plan was to arrive after the ceremony - our wedding and reception were in the same place. We started late because the weather was horrible and traffic was a nightmare, so they arrived in time for the ceremony. They sat in the back with their backs turned to the entire thing. Now, we COULD have been brats about it and made a stand about how disrespectful they were to US. But, instead, we decided that respecting their feelings and beliefs was more important. And the next day, instead of leaving for our honeymoon, we stayed and attended their 60th wedding anniversary party. They were both surprised and delighted to see us there.

So, those of you who say this is on the parents - you have it backwards. This is totally on the daughter to respect and HONOR her parents beliefs on the matter and not be a brat about it.

How would she go about doing this?