TOTALLY GEEKED!

Ohfour · Hooker

RE: Dear Abby: We Don't Approve of Cohabitating Daughter

Mary Zombie · Guru

And if this relationship and living situation God forbid were to eventually go south... I guarantee that the parents will be there for her even though they did not approve of the situation. My parents disaproved of things that we did sometimes and didn't condone it...
But were still there when we needed them.

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Wednesday 6th of May 2015 10:47:53 AM

chillepeppa · Regular

Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
When I got married, it was quite an issue. I was marrying into a Catholic family and I was not having a Catholic wedding. My DH was sent letters from his aunts talking about how are marriage would not be valid in the eyes of God. His grandparents consulted their priest about whether to attend the wedding. Thier priest told them not to witness the ceremony, but they could go to the reception. So, their plan was to arrive after the ceremony - our wedding and reception were in the same place. We started late because the weather was horrible and traffic was a nightmare, so they arrived in time for the ceremony. They sat in the back with their backs turned to the entire thing. Now, we COULD have been brats about it and made a stand about how disrespectful they were to US. But, instead, we decided that respecting their feelings and beliefs was more important. And the next day, instead of leaving for our honeymoon, we stayed and attended their 60th wedding anniversary party. They were both surprised and delighted to see us there.

So, those of you who say this is on the parents - you have it backwards. This is totally on the daughter to respect and HONOR her parents beliefs on the matter and not be a brat about it.
How would she go about doing this?
Not blackmail them into attending a party she knows they don't want to go to?

//One daughter plans to have an open-house party celebrating their new place. She's upset that my wife and I have indicated we won't be attending, because doing so would be difficult and against our beliefs. We have understood her decision, but she does not appear to respect ours. Are we wrong to take this stance? -- AGAINST THE TIDE IN NEW JERSEY//

Other than being upset (whatever that might mean to this mother) at her parents decline on the party invitation, we cannot know that she blackmailed her mother at all. Can she not feel upset that her parents declined the invitation? Upset could range from being respectfully sorry that they cannot make it to raving ****-crazy loony, something the LW fails to specify.

chillepeppa · Regular

I have to ask. Is it just by virtue of NOT living by your parents values that you dishonour them?

At what point does living life (within the law) by your own terms become dishonourable to your elders?

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

Lawyerlady wrote:
chef wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
What's so distasteful about a wedding? It is what YOU make it. You can get married with a few people or 500. With dinners and bands abd limos or a cake from the local deli.
I hate being the center of attention, and I hate crowds.
Shy Boy hates being in the center of attention and hates crowds.
A wedding, no matter how lovely and low-ey, would at it's core be a large crowd with the two of us at the center of attention.
*shudder*
BUT, not having a wedding (i.e, eloping) would be so hurtful to a lot of people--Like his elderly Gram that welcomed me into the family so warmly, and my dear great Aunties from Florida that faithfully send cards every Christmas and birthday. They would understand, and forgive us, but they would also be so sad. I We both have warm and loving families, that would be so happy for us, and support us.
But we don't want a wedding.
We are quite happy where we are thank you. ALthough the other day my BF commented that if I got pregnant, we should get married so I could be on his insurance, because it was much better than mine and covered and I quote "All sorts of cool prenatal stuff."

I hate being the center of attention too. I felt so, so awkward at my wedding.
So don't have a wedding. That's not really an excuse. You can spend 5 minutes in front of a judge and have it done.

And that would not be worth the hurt feelings it would cause to people very dear to us. It just isn' t so important to me that I feel the need to choose between a party I would hate or disapointing my family by eloping..

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
When I got married, it was quite an issue. I was marrying into a Catholic family and I was not having a Catholic wedding. My DH was sent letters from his aunts talking about how are marriage would not be valid in the eyes of God. His grandparents consulted their priest about whether to attend the wedding. Thier priest told them not to witness the ceremony, but they could go to the reception. So, their plan was to arrive after the ceremony - our wedding and reception were in the same place. We started late because the weather was horrible and traffic was a nightmare, so they arrived in time for the ceremony. They sat in the back with their backs turned to the entire thing. Now, we COULD have been brats about it and made a stand about how disrespectful they were to US. But, instead, we decided that respecting their feelings and beliefs was more important. And the next day, instead of leaving for our honeymoon, we stayed and attended their 60th wedding anniversary party. They were both surprised and delighted to see us there.

So, those of you who say this is on the parents - you have it backwards. This is totally on the daughter to respect and HONOR her parents beliefs on the matter and not be a brat about it.

And that is your OPINION.

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
When I got married, it was quite an issue. I was marrying into a Catholic family and I was not having a Catholic wedding. My DH was sent letters from his aunts talking about how are marriage would not be valid in the eyes of God. His grandparents consulted their priest about whether to attend the wedding. Thier priest told them not to witness the ceremony, but they could go to the reception. So, their plan was to arrive after the ceremony - our wedding and reception were in the same place. We started late because the weather was horrible and traffic was a nightmare, so they arrived in time for the ceremony. They sat in the back with their backs turned to the entire thing. Now, we COULD have been brats about it and made a stand about how disrespectful they were to US. But, instead, we decided that respecting their feelings and beliefs was more important. And the next day, instead of leaving for our honeymoon, we stayed and attended their 60th wedding anniversary party. They were both surprised and delighted to see us there.

So, those of you who say this is on the parents - you have it backwards. This is totally on the daughter to respect and HONOR her parents beliefs on the matter and not be a brat about it.
And that is your OPINION.
flan

They're all just opinions flan including yours so why bother writing that?

Ohfour · Hooker

chillepeppa wrote:
I have to ask. Is it just by virtue of NOT living by your parents values that you dishonour them?

At what point does living life (within the law) by your own terms become dishonourable to your elders?

She dishonors them by expecting them to celebrate something that they don't approve of. They can live together all they want, just don't expect the parents to celebrate.

Ohfour · Hooker

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
chef wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
What's so distasteful about a wedding? It is what YOU make it. You can get married with a few people or 500. With dinners and bands abd limos or a cake from the local deli.
I hate being the center of attention, and I hate crowds.
Shy Boy hates being in the center of attention and hates crowds.
A wedding, no matter how lovely and low-ey, would at it's core be a large crowd with the two of us at the center of attention.
*shudder*
BUT, not having a wedding (i.e, eloping) would be so hurtful to a lot of people--Like his elderly Gram that welcomed me into the family so warmly, and my dear great Aunties from Florida that faithfully send cards every Christmas and birthday. They would understand, and forgive us, but they would also be so sad. I We both have warm and loving families, that would be so happy for us, and support us.
But we don't want a wedding.
We are quite happy where we are thank you. ALthough the other day my BF commented that if I got pregnant, we should get married so I could be on his insurance, because it was much better than mine and covered and I quote "All sorts of cool prenatal stuff."

I hate being the center of attention too. I felt so, so awkward at my wedding.
So don't have a wedding. That's not really an excuse. You can spend 5 minutes in front of a judge and have it done.
And that would not be worth the hurt feelings it would cause to people very dear to us. It just isn' t so important to me that I feel the need to choose between a party I would hate or disapointing my family by eloping..

I would much rather my daughter elope than live with her boyfriend. Maybe they wouldn't be so hurt after all, since they probably want you to get married.

I just don't believe your excuses. I think you just want to play house.

chillepeppa · Regular

Ohfour wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
chef wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
What's so distasteful about a wedding? It is what YOU make it. You can get married with a few people or 500. With dinners and bands abd limos or a cake from the local deli.
I hate being the center of attention, and I hate crowds.
Shy Boy hates being in the center of attention and hates crowds.
A wedding, no matter how lovely and low-ey, would at it's core be a large crowd with the two of us at the center of attention.
*shudder*
BUT, not having a wedding (i.e, eloping) would be so hurtful to a lot of people--Like his elderly Gram that welcomed me into the family so warmly, and my dear great Aunties from Florida that faithfully send cards every Christmas and birthday. They would understand, and forgive us, but they would also be so sad. I We both have warm and loving families, that would be so happy for us, and support us.
But we don't want a wedding.
We are quite happy where we are thank you. ALthough the other day my BF commented that if I got pregnant, we should get married so I could be on his insurance, because it was much better than mine and covered and I quote "All sorts of cool prenatal stuff."

I hate being the center of attention too. I felt so, so awkward at my wedding.
So don't have a wedding. That's not really an excuse. You can spend 5 minutes in front of a judge and have it done.
And that would not be worth the hurt feelings it would cause to people very dear to us. It just isn' t so important to me that I feel the need to choose between a party I would hate or disapointing my family by eloping..
I would much rather my daughter elope than live with her boyfriend. Maybe they wouldn't be so hurt after all, since they probably want you to get married.
I just don't believe your excuses. I think you just want to play house.

You say this like it's a bad thing.

Tinydancer · Guru

It is a bad thing according to the Bible so yes it is a bad thing for those of us who believe.

Ohfour · Hooker

Tinydancer wrote:
It is a bad thing according to the Bible so yes it is a bad thing for those of us who believe.

chillepeppa · Regular

Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
I have to ask. Is it just by virtue of NOT living by your parents values that you dishonour them?

At what point does living life (within the law) by your own terms become dishonourable to your elders?
She dishonors them by expecting them to celebrate something that they don't approve of. They can live together all they want, just don't expect the parents to celebrate.

The same could be said for not inviting them to what the daughter is considering a milestone in her life. Even if she knew they might decline, was it really that evil of her to hope that they might be happy that she was happy? Considering this forum sprung from the loins of an etiquette board, officially snubbing loved ones is one of the no 1 causes of family discord in our repertoire... :-p

chillepeppa · Regular

Oh, yeah, the book. Right...

Ohfour · Hooker

chillepeppa wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
I have to ask. Is it just by virtue of NOT living by your parents values that you dishonour them?

At what point does living life (within the law) by your own terms become dishonourable to your elders?
She dishonors them by expecting them to celebrate something that they don't approve of. They can live together all they want, just don't expect the parents to celebrate.
The same could be said for not inviting them to what the daughter is considering a milestone in her life. Even if she knew they might decline, was it really that evil of her to hope that they might be happy that she was happy? Considering this forum sprung from the loins of an etiquette board, officially snubbing loved ones is one of the no 1 causes of family discord in our repertoire... :-p

So we should just celebrate out children being happy, no matter the circumstance? That's asinine.

Like Husker said, if my child converted to Islam, I probably would have little to do with them. Same is they had gender assignment surgery. No way in hell would I support or be happy with either of those decisions...

Tinydancer · Guru

chillepeppa wrote:
Oh, yeah, the book. Right...

The book you so obviously don't believe in. Just a little bit of contempt for those of us who do though so I guess only judging Christians is allowed.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Tinydancer wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Oh, yeah, the book. Right...
The book you so obviously don't believe in. Just a little bit of contempt for those of us who do though so I guess only judging Christians is allowed.

Oh, wah, wah...Christian bashing...

flan

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
I have to ask. Is it just by virtue of NOT living by your parents values that you dishonour them?

At what point does living life (within the law) by your own terms become dishonourable to your elders?
She dishonors them by expecting them to celebrate something that they don't approve of. They can live together all they want, just don't expect the parents to celebrate.
The same could be said for not inviting them to what the daughter is considering a milestone in her life. Even if she knew they might decline, was it really that evil of her to hope that they might be happy that she was happy? Considering this forum sprung from the loins of an etiquette board, officially snubbing loved ones is one of the no 1 causes of family discord in our repertoire... :-p
So we should just celebrate out children being happy, no matter the circumstance? That's asinine.
Like Husker said, if my child converted to Islam, I probably would have little to do with them. Same is they had gender assignment surgery. No way in hell would I support or be happy with either of those decisions...

But, in all honesty, where does it end? My children don't like reading & books are like oxygen to me. Should I disown them?

What if they are Democrat & you are Republican? Baptist & they convert to Judaism?

I never expected my children to adhere 100% to MY values. DS2 owns several guns. You know my feelings on the topic, but I respect his right to make decisions for himself.

flan

Ohfour · Hooker

Owning a gun isn't a sin. Cohabitating is.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Ohfour wrote:
Owning a gun isn't a sin. Cohabitating is.

It speaks to grown children following the values of their parents, though.

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

No one has said the adult daughter doesn't have the right to make and live their own lives.

At the same time the adult child doesn't have the right to force others, no matter who they are, to participate in celebrating their sin.

That's the thing that trips people up.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

And then there standards. If you disapprove of something, but your child does it, do you no longer disapprove?

Do you live with double standards? How does one justify that?

Ohfour · Hooker

Flan,
Would you go hunting with your son because he really wanted you to? What if he was upset that you didn't share in his passion of hunting? He invites you on a hunt and has big plans for it. Do you refuse?

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Ohfour wrote:
Flan,
Would you go hunting with your son because he really wanted you to? What if he was upset that you didn't share in his passion of hunting? He invites you on a hunt and has big plans for it. Do you refuse?

Believe it or not, I have asked him if he would take me to a shooting range.

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Oh, yeah, the book. Right...
The book you so obviously don't believe in. Just a little bit of contempt for those of us who do though so I guess only judging Christians is allowed.
Oh, wah, wah...Christian bashing...
flan

Yes, Christian bashing from the nonjudgmental empathetic, so sympathetic crowd. Still no answer why it's allowed flan when even gender fluid individuals get your empathy...

So unless it's deviant or unnatural it's ok to bash. You are such a hypocrite.

-- Edited by Tinydancer on Wednesday 6th of May 2015 12:55:27 PM

chillepeppa · Regular

Tinydancer wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Oh, yeah, the book. Right...
The book you so obviously don't believe in. Just a little bit of contempt for those of us who do though so I guess only judging Christians is allowed.

Not so much contempt as it is against my non-believing values.

I can decline to like the literary references you use to guide your life just as much as the parent of this lady can decline to like and celebrate the life choices of their daughter, right?

Tinydancer · Guru

chillepeppa wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Oh, yeah, the book. Right...
The book you so obviously don't believe in. Just a little bit of contempt for those of us who do though so I guess only judging Christians is allowed.
Not so much contempt as it is against my non-believing values.
I can decline to like the literary references you use to guide your life just as much as the parent of this lady can decline to like and celebrate the life choices of their daughter, right?

Right, just like I can think your values are made up out of nothing.

chillepeppa · Regular

Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
I have to ask. Is it just by virtue of NOT living by your parents values that you dishonour them?

At what point does living life (within the law) by your own terms become dishonourable to your elders?
She dishonors them by expecting them to celebrate something that they don't approve of. They can live together all they want, just don't expect the parents to celebrate.
The same could be said for not inviting them to what the daughter is considering a milestone in her life. Even if she knew they might decline, was it really that evil of her to hope that they might be happy that she was happy? Considering this forum sprung from the loins of an etiquette board, officially snubbing loved ones is one of the no 1 causes of family discord in our repertoire... :-p
So we should just celebrate out children being happy, no matter the circumstance? That's asinine.
Like Husker said, if my child converted to Islam, I probably would have little to do with them. Same is they had gender assignment surgery. No way in hell would I support or be happy with either of those decisions...

So if you review DA answer to this mother, what would YOU say to her as an answer considering the limited information available?

chillepeppa · Regular

Tinydancer wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Oh, yeah, the book. Right...
The book you so obviously don't believe in. Just a little bit of contempt for those of us who do though so I guess only judging Christians is allowed.
Not so much contempt as it is against my non-believing values.
I can decline to like the literary references you use to guide your life just as much as the parent of this lady can decline to like and celebrate the life choices of their daughter, right?
Right, just like I can think your values are made up out of nothing.

Define nothing

Ohfour · Hooker

My Bible dictates my values. You make them up as you go along...

chillepeppa · Regular

Ohfour wrote:
My Bible dictates my values. You make them up as you go along...

Can you explain how you got to this conclusion about me and my values? Does the fact that I disagree with you on religion tell you that much about my character? My values? How I treat other. Other than the "the book" comment, have I shown any disrespect toward anyone here?

Ohfour · Hooker

chillepeppa wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
My Bible dictates my values. You make them up as you go along...
Can you explain how you got to this conclusion about me and my values? Does the fact that I disagree with you on religion tell you that much about my character? My values? How I treat other. Other than the "the book" comment, have I shown any disrespect toward anyone here?

You have not, but you have to admit that you form your own values. There is no other way of describing it...

chillepeppa · Regular

Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
My Bible dictates my values. You make them up as you go along...
Can you explain how you got to this conclusion about me and my values? Does the fact that I disagree with you on religion tell you that much about my character? My values? How I treat other. Other than the "the book" comment, have I shown any disrespect toward anyone here?
You have not, but you have to admit that you form your own values. There is no other way of describing it...

Go ahead and humour me, what would, to your mind, one of the "made up as I go along values" be?

My values are based on empathy, love and respect. I'm sure you share a few of those aspects in your set of values, but go just one further with the bible and all that it involves.

-- Edited by chillepeppa on Wednesday 6th of May 2015 01:59:56 PM

Tinydancer · Guru

chillepeppa wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
My Bible dictates my values. You make them up as you go along...
Can you explain how you got to this conclusion about me and my values? Does the fact that I disagree with you on religion tell you that much about my character? My values? How I treat other. Other than the "the book" comment, have I shown any disrespect toward anyone here?

The way you disregard our values as from "just a book". The way you have more sympathy for deviants and weirdos than you do some poor little couple running a bakery who don't want to compromise their values (because they are not your values). The way you have sympathy for everyone but the people who are just trying to do what they think is right. All of those show me where your values come. from

Ohfour · Hooker

^^^^^

What she said...

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I have to believe the daughter wouldn't be surprised by the parents reactions. My parents raised us the same way the LW's did. We clearly knew how they felt. We may have asked them to come but we wouldn't have been hurt if they didn't.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Ohfour wrote:
My Bible dictates my values. You make them up as you go along...

No, we don't. I cannot understand WHY that is so hard to comprehend.

I don't need someone or something TELLING me how to act. It's instinctive...It's The Golden Rule, which is pretty basic to most belief systems.

flan

Blankie · Guru

I think Abby has a point. The parents stand to lose by continuing to make an issue of this. They have already stated their stance.

Are they going to boycott all their daughters' gatherings and events to keep making a stand?

This LW says "My wife and I have always been supportive in all aspects of our daughters' lives, and that will never change." I don't see this stubborn stance as being very supportive.

I don't usually agree with living together, but I'm not going to be stupid and lose a relationship over it. I would draw certain lines, for example I would not allow my son or daughter and their cohabiting partners to be overnight guests in my home and share a bedroom with their partner. But that's my turf. And they would respect that.

But these parents boycotting their daughter's turf sounds like cutting off their nose to spite their face. How is attending a party at their house condoning living together? It's just attending a party.

These people need to decide what they value more - their relationship with their daughters, or their principles.

It might be a lonely hill to die on.

Tinydancer · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
My Bible dictates my values. You make them up as you go along...
No, we don't. I cannot understand WHY that is so hard to comprehend.
I don't need someone or something TELLING me how to act. It's instinctive...It's The Golden Rule, which is pretty basic to most belief systems.
flan

In other words you make them up...lol

Ohfour · Hooker

flan327 wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
My Bible dictates my values. You make them up as you go along...
No, we don't. I cannot understand WHY that is so hard to comprehend.
I don't need someone or something TELLING me how to act. It's instinctive...It's The Golden Rule, which is pretty basic to most belief systems.
flan

And it's wrong.

And the Golden Rule isn't anywhere in the Bible.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Blankie wrote:
I think Abby has a point. The parents stand to lose by continuing to make an issue of this. They have already stated their stance.
Are they going to boycott all their daughters' gatherings and events to keep making a stand?
This LW says "My wife and I have always been supportive in all aspects of our daughters' lives, and that will never change." I don't see this stubborn stance as being very supportive.
I don't usually agree with living together, but I'm not going to be stupid and lose a relationship over it. I would draw certain lines, for example I would not allow my son or daughter and their cohabiting partners to be overnight guests in my home and share a bedroom with their partner. But that's my turf. And they would respect that.
But these parents boycotting their daughter's turf sounds like cutting off their nose to spite their face. How is attending a party at their house condoning living together? It's just attending a party.
These people need to decide what they value more - their relationship with their daughters, or their principles.
It might be a lonely hill to die on.

Right there they say they have always been very supportive and that will never change. It's just this ONE party they don't want to attend. Again, if ONE party is going to ruin the whole relationship then they didn't have a good relationship to begin with. The LW's SAY they love and support their kids. People HERE keep saying the LW's are intending to treat their kids like chit but nowhere in that letter does it indicate that.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

We talked DN and her b/f out of buying a house together. They actually have a nice sizable down payment thanks to all the money she saved living with us and a gift his dad gave her. They were going to move in together and purchase a house. We sat them down and spoke to them about it. We shared our concerns and worries. They are going to rent now until they either decide to get married or see if it doesn't work out. They have promised they will not buy a house until they marry.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Ohfour wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
My Bible dictates my values. You make them up as you go along...
No, we don't. I cannot understand WHY that is so hard to comprehend.
I don't need someone or something TELLING me how to act. It's instinctive...It's The Golden Rule, which is pretty basic to most belief systems.
flan
And it's wrong.
And the Golden Rule isn't anywhere in the Bible.

Matthew 7:12

So, in everything, do under others as you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

flan

burns07 · Guru

The way you disregard our values as from "just a book". The way you have more sympathy for deviants and weirdos than you do some poor little couple running a bakery who don't want to compromise their values (because they are not your values). The way you have sympathy for everyone but the people who are just trying to do what they think is right. All of those show me where your values come. from
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

very, very well-stated

have often found that liberal's affinity for deviants / weirdos, etc is rooted in THEIR OWN flawed self-images, though they will deny to the heavens that such be the case--their affinity / empathy springs from THEIR OWN insecurities and, bereft of justified admiration, they seek attention by parroting the bogus cause de jour

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

burns07 wrote:

The way you disregard our values as from "just a book". The way you have more sympathy for deviants and weirdos than you do some poor little couple running a bakery who don't want to compromise their values (because they are not your values). The way you have sympathy for everyone but the people who are just trying to do what they think is right. All of those show me where your values come. from
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

very, very well-stated

have often found that liberal's affinity for deviants / weirdos, etc is rooted in THEIR OWN flawed self-images, though they will deny to the heavens that such be the case--their affinity / empathy springs from THEIR OWN insecurities and, bereft of justified admiration, they seek attention by parroting the bogus cause de jour

What a crock!!!

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
My Bible dictates my values. You make them up as you go along...
No, we don't. I cannot understand WHY that is so hard to comprehend.
I don't need someone or something TELLING me how to act. It's instinctive...It's The Golden Rule, which is pretty basic to most belief systems.
flan
And it's wrong.
And the Golden Rule isn't anywhere in the Bible.
Matthew 7:12
So, in everything, do under others as you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
flan

Instinct is to do what's best for you not for someone else so that's a crock.

Ohfour · Hooker

flan327 wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
My Bible dictates my values. You make them up as you go along...
No, we don't. I cannot understand WHY that is so hard to comprehend.
I don't need someone or something TELLING me how to act. It's instinctive...It's The Golden Rule, which is pretty basic to most belief systems.
flan
And it's wrong.
And the Golden Rule isn't anywhere in the Bible.
Matthew 7:12
So, in everything, do under others as you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
flan

Let's keep going:

The Narrow and Wide Gates

¹³“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. ¹⁴But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

True and False Prophets

¹⁵“Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. ¹⁶By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? ¹⁷Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. ¹⁸A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. ¹⁹Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. ²⁰Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
When I got married, it was quite an issue. I was marrying into a Catholic family and I was not having a Catholic wedding. My DH was sent letters from his aunts talking about how are marriage would not be valid in the eyes of God. His grandparents consulted their priest about whether to attend the wedding. Thier priest told them not to witness the ceremony, but they could go to the reception. So, their plan was to arrive after the ceremony - our wedding and reception were in the same place. We started late because the weather was horrible and traffic was a nightmare, so they arrived in time for the ceremony. They sat in the back with their backs turned to the entire thing. Now, we COULD have been brats about it and made a stand about how disrespectful they were to US. But, instead, we decided that respecting their feelings and beliefs was more important. And the next day, instead of leaving for our honeymoon, we stayed and attended their 60th wedding anniversary party. They were both surprised and delighted to see us there.

So, those of you who say this is on the parents - you have it backwards. This is totally on the daughter to respect and HONOR her parents beliefs on the matter and not be a brat about it.
How would she go about doing this?

By simply accepting their decision not to attend the party and not be upset by it. By understanding their beliefs and not feeling the need to push the issue.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

chillepeppa wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
I have to ask. Is it just by virtue of NOT living by your parents values that you dishonour them?

At what point does living life (within the law) by your own terms become dishonourable to your elders?
She dishonors them by expecting them to celebrate something that they don't approve of. They can live together all they want, just don't expect the parents to celebrate.
The same could be said for not inviting them to what the daughter is considering a milestone in her life. Even if she knew they might decline, was it really that evil of her to hope that they might be happy that she was happy? Considering this forum sprung from the loins of an etiquette board, officially snubbing loved ones is one of the no 1 causes of family discord in our repertoire... :-p

A shack-up party is not a milestone.

Tinydancer · Guru

Again I guess they were supposed to worry about their daughter's feelings but to hell with what they feel. Who's feelings are more important or should they both be allowed to have their feelings?