TOTALLY GEEKED!

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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We talked DN and her b/f out of buying a house together. They actually have a nice sizable down payment thanks to all the money she saved living with us and a gift his dad gave her. They were going to move in together and purchase a house. We sat them down and spoke to them about it. We shared our concerns and worries. They are going to rent now until they either decide to get married or see if it doesn't work out. They have promised they will not buy a house until they marry.

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 Sooooo many times I have to try to get exes to sign off on houses.  People who are not married should not buy houses together.  At least if you are married and split up, you have a divorce agreement to deal with property.  Some exes just disappear and then that's a nightmare.

Fort Worth Mom wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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We talked DN and her b/f out of buying a house together. They actually have a nice sizable down payment thanks to all the money she saved living with us and a gift his dad gave her. They were going to move in together and purchase a house. We sat them down and spoke to them about it. We shared our concerns and worries. They are going to rent now until they either decide to get married or see if it doesn't work out. They have promised they will not buy a house until they marry.

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 Sooooo many times I have to try to get exes to sign off on houses.  People who are not married should not buy houses together.  At least if you are married and split up, you have a divorce agreement to deal with property.  Some exes just disappear and then that's a nightmare.

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Conor bought the house in his name only. Once the kids get married, Jessi's name will be added.

It just seemed like the best way to go, for them. 

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 It is definately the best way to go.  I mean, marriage doesn't even guarantee people are going to stay together anymore.  Living together without marriage is as easy to end as packing your bag and walking out the door. 

Yep. DD's house is in her name only. They are going to have to move soon, so the new house will probably be in both names.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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We talked DN and her b/f out of buying a house together. They actually have a nice sizable down payment thanks to all the money she saved living with us and a gift his dad gave her. They were going to move in together and purchase a house. We sat them down and spoke to them about it. We shared our concerns and worries. They are going to rent now until they either decide to get married or see if it doesn't work out. They have promised they will not buy a house until they marry.

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 Sooooo many times I have to try to get exes to sign off on houses.  People who are not married should not buy houses together.  At least if you are married and split up, you have a divorce agreement to deal with property.  Some exes just disappear and then that's a nightmare.

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 Exactly.  And I guess everyone here can call me a bad person but DH and I literally sat them down and told them how we felt.  We don't want them living together but they're adults and they're going to do it anyway.  They know how we feel so there's nothing left to say on that front.  They respect our opinion but are adults and can live their lives how they want.  We respect their opinions but we have our own beliefs and can live our lives how we want.  We will continue to love and support them any way we can.  (To a realistic extent.  We don't help out financially but they are welcome to come over any time.  We love and accept them for who they are.)  But when we found out they were looking at buying a house we went a bit nuts.  We sat them down and told them this was a horrible idea.  We told them because we loved them both we didn't want to see anything bad happen on the off chance they broke up.  Everyone wants to work from the happy place.  We're so in love.  That will never happen to us.  Even if we split up we'll deal with it like grown ups.  And on and on.  I highly doubt anyone goes into a relationship planning on breaking up but it happens.  It happens every day.  I live in a common law state and you don't just get common law for being together.  So there ARE benefits to marriage.  I could tell you that my concerns are all about her spiritual side but I would be lying.  The truth is some of them are about that but a whole lot of them about her protection.  Women get screwed most of the time when they buy a house with a man and they're not married.  We told them both we didn't want to see either of them lose what they had worked so hard for if something went wrong.  So call me a horrible person but yes, DH and I talked them out of buying a home together.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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You don't just get to decide how other people have to fell about YOUR decisions. And saying "you have to support my decision whether you like it or not, or it's going to ruin our relationship" is the HEIGHT of childish emotional blackmail.

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Tinydancer wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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My Bible dictates my values. You make them up as you go along...

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Can you explain how you got to this conclusion about me and my values? Does the fact that I disagree with you on religion tell you that much about my character? My values? How I treat other. Other than the "the book" comment, have I shown any disrespect toward anyone here?

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 The way you disregard our values as from "just a book". The way you have more sympathy for deviants and weirdos than you do some poor little couple running a bakery who don't want to compromise their values (because they are not your values). The way you have sympathy for everyone but the people who are just trying to do what they think is right. All of those show me where your values come. from

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You call it disregard, I call it disagree. I guess our perception of the situation changes with the side of the fence we sit on.

As for the rest, deviants and weirdos? Serious?

Are only those who's idea of "what they think is right" corresponds with yours worthy of sympathy? I fail to see how any of those things you mention make me a bad person. Care to clarify?

For the record, on the bakery case, I categorically stated that the lesbian couple were opportunistic douches. I did not agree with the judgement against the bakery.

So if this was your daughter, what would you want her to do? Obviously you either want her to leave or get married. But, if she remains cohabitating, then what? Are you not going to see her? Are you going to avoid her or not spend holidays with her? Are you going to pretend that the BF doesn't exist or what?

Lawyerlady wrote:

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You don't just get to decide how other people have to fell about YOUR decisions. And saying "you have to support my decision whether you like it or not, or it's going to ruin our relationship" is the HEIGHT of childish emotional blackmail.

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My view on this is not to support the decision, but the support daughter. And not the cheering squad support, but the general being family support.

They will have to accept her decisions, yes, because adults do get to make their own decisions. Just like although the daughter was upset her parents declined the invite, she has to accept their decision. Again, the LW did not clarify what it meant for her daughter to be upset, so that could mean all kinds of things. So to me another question would be if by purely being upset, (respectfully) could be seen as disrespect by this mother, or it hissy fits were had to escalate it to that.

chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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You don't just get to decide how other people have to fell about YOUR decisions. And saying "you have to support my decision whether you like it or not, or it's going to ruin our relationship" is the HEIGHT of childish emotional blackmail.

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My view on this is not to support the decision, but the support daughter. And not the cheering squad support, but the general being family support.

They will have to accept her decisions, yes, because adults do get to make their own decisions. Just like although the daughter was upset her parents declined the invite, she has to accept their decision. Again, the LW did not clarify what it meant for her daughter to be upset, so that could mean all kinds of things. So to me another question would be if by purely being upset, (respectfully) could be seen as disrespect by this mother, or it hissy fits were had to escalate it to that.

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 You do not have to attend a party for "general family support". 

Lawyerlady wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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You don't just get to decide how other people have to fell about YOUR decisions. And saying "you have to support my decision whether you like it or not, or it's going to ruin our relationship" is the HEIGHT of childish emotional blackmail.

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My view on this is not to support the decision, but the support daughter. And not the cheering squad support, but the general being family support.

They will have to accept her decisions, yes, because adults do get to make their own decisions. Just like although the daughter was upset her parents declined the invite, she has to accept their decision. Again, the LW did not clarify what it meant for her daughter to be upset, so that could mean all kinds of things. So to me another question would be if by purely being upset, (respectfully) could be seen as disrespect by this mother, or it hissy fits were had to escalate it to that.

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 You do not have to attend a party for "general family support". 

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I have stated numerous times that they did not have to go. 

Lawyerlady wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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My Bible dictates my values. You make them up as you go along...

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Can you explain how you got to this conclusion about me and my values? Does the fact that I disagree with you on religion tell you that much about my character? My values? How I treat other. Other than the "the book" comment, have I shown any disrespect toward anyone here?

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You have not, but you have to admit that you form your own values.  There is no other way of describing it... 

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Go ahead and humour me, what would, to your mind, one of the "made up as I go along values" be?

My values are based on empathy, love and respect. I'm sure you share a few of those aspects in your set of values, but go just one further with the bible and all that it involves. 

-- Edited by chillepeppa on Wednesday 6th of May 2015 01:59:56 PM

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 Only for those you agree with.

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 Can you clarify for me?

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 You have no empathy or respect for people being forced to act against their consciense.  If anything is based on a religious belief - you discount it immediately and give it no credence or respect.

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 Such as? Can you show me in this thread where I did that? I might be desensitized to me doing it, which has me completely unaware of it.

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 I am going to apologize now.  You changed your avatar and I thought I was talking to someone else.  Sorry - I take it back.

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 Wow, no worries. You had me worried there for a second. I try to keep things even, and to step back when I start to slip.

I would like to think I can take the punch if I deserve it, so feel free to swing. But I have to ask that it be on ME, not atheists/agnostics/non-believers as a whole. I try my best not to generilize, but sometimes I still slip up, so a reminder every now and then won't hurt.

I can't believe someone would say you have the right to your beliefs but you should throw them out the window for your kid. And honestly, if my parents came to my party and said, "You know we don't approve of living together before marriage, but we wanted show our support of you being able to leave the nest and find success and happiness and ability to make a home." I'd rather them not come at all. Nice way to insult my choices followed up with some sarcasm. It's just plain rude to go to a party just to announce you don't support the party. Just don't go. Wouldn't that be nice to have your parents sitting around with all your friends and his parents and talking about how they don't approve of you? Why would you even invite someone that was going to do that.
- Nobody Just Nobody

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I said it wouldn't be unreasonable for them to make a comment. A comment is not a conversation with everyone at the party about the evils of sin that they are living in. The way you spun that explains how you spin the Bible so well.

What I was suggesting could be done in the same conversational tone as parents that are "Chevy" going to a party to celebrate their kid's first new car, a Ford. "We don't like Fords, but we are happy you found a car you like!" and then, once said, that particular subject is dropped and they move on, maybe to "chips and dip or cheese and crackers?"

Of course they are. - huskerbb

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Of course they are - what? I don't understand what you were saying "of course they are." to.

And then there standards. If you disapprove of something, but your child does it, do you no longer disapprove?

Do you live with double standards? How does one justify that? - lilyofcourse

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I can disapprove of something and still be there for a loved one doing the thing I disapprove of. The disapproval and love aren't mutually exclusive to me.

WYSIWYG wrote:

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It is a bad thing according to the Bible so yes it is a bad thing for those of us who believe. - Tinydancer

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I really hate to do it, but, I have to agree with Tinydancer, but with a caveat: While I do agree that it is a bad thing, it doesn't mean we have to shun them for it. We should still love the sinner, even while we hate the sin.

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 You use this word all the time but I don't think you even know what it means. It does have such a nice dramatic flair though so I can see why you choose to keep using it incorrectly.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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WYSIWYG wrote:

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And then there standards. If you disapprove of something, but your child does it, do you no longer disapprove?

Do you live with double standards? How does one justify that? - lilyofcourse

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I can disapprove of something and still be there for a loved one doing the thing I disapprove of. The disapproval and love aren't mutually exclusive to me.

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  I guess it depends on what is meant by disapprove?  If someone does something you disapprove, what does that really mean then?  Does that mean shaking your head at them, sniffing your nose or constantly telling them that they are wrong?  I mean, there are many ways to play that out.  I would express my disapproval.  But, after that, I said my peace and I put it out there.  That info is then the daughter's to consider or not.  She is an adult.  I would not then spend the rest of time acting cold, sniffing my nose, or sitting on my high horse towards her. 

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This. 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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And seriously, I am an adult. I don't give a rat's behind about what anyone thinks on how I live. If they don't like me, then fine, don't like me. I really don't care. But, no, they are not going to be in my life sniffing their nose at my choices or how I spend my money or what kind of car I drive, or how I raise my kids or what kind of clothes I wear or anything. And, I would accord another ADULT the same respect.

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 Thank you!

It's a tricky thing to admit that the child you raised is no longer a child, but an ADULT.

Thinking about it, my mom didn't handle things well once we "left the nest," unless we were constantly asking her for advice. Gee, Mom, you weren't there for me when I was growing up, so I learned to do without.

flan

Tinydancer wrote:

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WYSIWYG wrote:

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It is a bad thing according to the Bible so yes it is a bad thing for those of us who believe. - Tinydancer

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I really hate to do it, but, I have to agree with Tinydancer, but with a caveat: While I do agree that it is a bad thing, it doesn't mean we have to shun them for it. We should still love the sinner, even while we hate the sin.

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 You use this word all the time but I don't think you even know what it means. It does have such a nice dramatic flair though so I can see why you choose to keep using it incorrectly.

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He knows exactly what it means.

flan 

Lawyerlady wrote:

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An adult child is still my child. My job as a parent doesn't end when they turn 18. You can stop teaching your kid the right things if you want. I will not.

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 Oh, I forgot...I'm the one holding the bong, right?

flan

flan327 wrote:

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Tinydancer wrote:

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flan327 wrote:

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Tinydancer wrote:

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WYSIWYG wrote:

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It is a bad thing according to the Bible so yes it is a bad thing for those of us who believe. - Tinydancer

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I really hate to do it, but, I have to agree with Tinydancer, but with a caveat: While I do agree that it is a bad thing, it doesn't mean we have to shun them for it. We should still love the sinner, even while we hate the sin.

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 You use this word all the time but I don't think you even know what it means. It does have such a nice dramatic flair though so I can see why you choose to keep using it incorrectly.

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He knows exactly what it means.

flan 

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 No he doesn't. Go look up the definition. I expected more from a librarian.

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I live to disappoint you.

flan 

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 Then you're doing an excellent job. Carry on.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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An adult child is still my child. My job as a parent doesn't end when they turn 18. You can stop teaching your kid the right things if you want. I will not.

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My BFF married, OMG a DIVORCED man.  And her mom is a "strict Catholic".  So, my BFF has been married for 20+ yrs.  But MOTHER had decided to treat her daughter like dirt for all these years.  That isn't the Love of Christ. 

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 LOL I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo want to say something right now!

Honeys_Mom wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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An adult child is still my child. My job as a parent doesn't end when they turn 18. You can stop teaching your kid the right things if you want. I will not.

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My BFF married, OMG a DIVORCED man.  And her mom is a "strict Catholic".  So, my BFF has been married for 20+ yrs.  But MOTHER had decided to treat her daughter like dirt for all these years.  That isn't the Love of Christ. 

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 LOL I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo want to say something right now!

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 Did you bite your lip? 

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 I am biting it yes.  Because I choose not to discuss some things with some people because I can't deal with stupidity.  If you really want to hear my comment pm me.  I will gladly tell you.  Otherwise I am NOT starting another public mini attack complete with furnished Bible verses twisted to mean what they don't mean.

Is it possible that we all agree? But, just disagree to the degree to which we agree? 

See, I have no problem with others doing what they wish or living their lives however they wish. Just don't lecture me if I choose to live mine differently. I have to make my own decisions and live with the consequences of them.