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Post Info TOPIC: "Thank you note" bully
Do you send a thank you note to someone she sent ac ard? [11 vote(s)]

Yes / sometimes
9.1%
Maybe if we're close
0.0%
No, never
18.2%
No, it's ridiculous
45.5%
Other
18.2%
(check all that apply)
9.1%
ed11563


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"Thank you note" bully
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Dear Prudence,
Our beautiful baby girl entered the world under traumatic circumstances. She lived for four days in the NICU before we learned she would not be able to live on her own and made the immensely painful decision to let her go. My husband and I were devastated by this experience, yet buoyed by the immense outpouring of love and support of friends and family. The grace she enabled is one of the beautiful remembrances I have of our daughter. And then my husband’s sister called him and asked that he “make her life easier” and send a thank you note to her husband’s parents for the condolence card they had sent. We barely know these people, but my husband immediately sent a card. He now regrets it. So many others did so much more for us, and we haven’t sent thank you notes to them. Most people explicitly said we don’t need to. It has now been six months since we lost our daughter. I have not seen my brother-in-law since this experience and I don’t want to. Am I being ungracious? Is one expected to write thank you notes under such circumstances? And, if so, have I disrespected all the amazing and wonderful friends who have truly supported and sustained us during this impossibly painful time?

—I Miss Her Every Day

Dear Miss,
I’ve written many times about the value of thank you notes. But now it’s time to address the thank you note bully. One shudders at what these buffoons must have said to prompt your sister-in-law to make this gross request. These older people—who you hardly know!—needed to have been told by their son that while their note of condolence was appreciated, they must shut up about getting a thank you note in return. Alternately, your sister-in-law could have just written one, pretending to be you, to silence her self-righteous in-laws. You have explicitly been told by many that they didn’t want you to feel obligated to churn out written thanks; take them at their word. I’m sure that you have expressed your appreciation to the people who sat with you, brought food, and did the things that helped get you through this tragic time. Everyone understands that you were plunged into a sudden and unexpected world of grief and the only gratitude they seek is seeing that you two are doing better. When something overwhelming happens, it sometimes helps to deflect one’s pain, so you and your husband are understandably angry at your sister-in-law and her family. But don’t focus on this event in a way that hinders your healing. You’ll gain little by making an enemy of people you will be interacting with for years; you also don’t want to inflate their importance in your life. They were wrong to intrude on your grief. You can make note of that unfortunate fact about them, without letting them take up room in your psyche.

—Prudie

 



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Tangerine


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Damn. The sister really shouldn't have said anything to her brother, no matter how unpleasant her in laws are.

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Tinydancer


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This was a very interesting Dear Prudence. Sometimes being sympathetic means NOT thinking about what you think you deserve when you're the last thing people are thinking about.

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Mellow Momma


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Tangerine wrote:

Damn. The sister really shouldn't have said anything to her brother, no matter how unpleasant her in laws are.

 My thoughts exactly. I can't decide who is more despicable, the inlaws for realizing grieving parents aren't writing out thank you notes for every card they got immediatley or the sister of the grieving parents who passed on the message. If I were the sister, I would have been furious at my inlaws for bringing this up to me (isn't she grieving the loss of her niece/nephew too?) and I would have told them what I thought of people who make a point to bringing up other people's lack of manners. 



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Tangerine


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Also, the only time I have ever received a thank you for a sympathy card was in person. No one has ever sent me a thank you note for a card. So that is just really strange that the inlaws are so bent out of shape.

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Nobody Just Nobody


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Mellow Momma wrote:
Tangerine wrote:

Damn. The sister really shouldn't have said anything to her brother, no matter how unpleasant her in laws are.

 My thoughts exactly. I can't decide who is more despicable, the inlaws for realizing grieving parents aren't writing out thank you notes for every card they got immediatley or the sister of the grieving parents who passed on the message. If I were the sister, I would have been furious at my inlaws for bringing this up to me (isn't she grieving the loss of her niece/nephew too?) and I would have told them what I thought of people who make a point to bringing up other people's lack of manners. 

 I agree.  I also agree with the whole who sends a thank you for a card.  Unless it has money in it.  But this scenario is different.  This is taking thank you cards to a whole new level.



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flan327


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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Tangerine wrote:

Damn. The sister really shouldn't have said anything to her brother, no matter how unpleasant her in laws are.

 My thoughts exactly. I can't decide who is more despicable, the inlaws for realizing grieving parents aren't writing out thank you notes for every card they got immediatley or the sister of the grieving parents who passed on the message. If I were the sister, I would have been furious at my inlaws for bringing this up to me (isn't she grieving the loss of her niece/nephew too?) and I would have told them what I thought of people who make a point to bringing up other people's lack of manners. 

 I agree.  I also agree with the whole who sends a thank you for a card.  Unless it has money in it.  But this scenario is different.  This is taking thank you cards to a whole new level.

 I've never heard of that either.

What petty, nasty people...

flan



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Ohfour


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Tangerine wrote:

Also, the only time I have ever received a thank you for a sympathy card was in person. No one has ever sent me a thank you note for a card. So that is just really strange that the inlaws are so bent out of shape.

 EXACTLY... Who sends a thank you note for a card? These people make my mother (who refused to talk to DD until she got a tahbk you note for coming to her shower (she didn't actually buy anything) ) seem almost normal...

 

WHAT THE FVCK??? I would die before I sent them a thank you note...



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Mellow Momma


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Technically Miss Manners says you should write a thank you card for a sympathy note or letter I believe. But a preprinted card, I do not think requires a thank you note.

And people who judge grieving parents and how they handle their trauma should consider themselves lucky they don't have first hand knowledge of what they would do in the same situation.

The SIL should have read them the riot act. I would have. Entitled isn't even the word for it.



-- Edited by Mellow Momma on Thursday 28th of May 2015 08:06:14 PM

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Ohfour


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I rarely get angry, but this letter actually made me mad. I would love to come in contact with these idiots...

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Mellow Momma


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Ohfour wrote:

I rarely get angry, but this letter actually made me mad. I would love to come in contact with these idiots...

 It made me mad too!!! Let's get em!!

 

 

I googled it. Emily Post says only handwritten sympathy notes need to be acknowledged with a thank you card in return. And a close member of the family can write them in place of the immediate family who is grieving. 



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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite ! 
Mellow Momma


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Also a note for future reference, if someone thanks you in person for something you did while they were grieving (whatever it is that you did, a card, donation to charity, etc) the proper response is not "you are welcome". The proper response is "I was so sorry to hear of your mother's passing. I think of you often." etc. Telling someone who just lost a loved one that they are welcome is gauche. Good to know.

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Ohfour


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Mellow Momma wrote:
Ohfour wrote:

I rarely get angry, but this letter actually made me mad. I would love to come in contact with these idiots...

 It made me mad too!!! Let's get em!!

 

 

I googled it. Emily Post says only handwritten sympathy notes need to be acknowledged with a thank you card in return. And a close member of the family can write them in place of the immediate family who is grieving. 

 The Geek Posse!!!

honestly, I would never expect a thank you note for a sympathy card, hand written or not. Maybe its the "right" thing but I would never expect it. And I would hope my friends/family would be focusing more on healing than worrying about sending me a thank you note

 

 

 

 

 

 



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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
Mellow Momma


Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

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Ohfour wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Ohfour wrote:

I rarely get angry, but this letter actually made me mad. I would love to come in contact with these idiots...

 It made me mad too!!! Let's get em!!

 

 

I googled it. Emily Post says only handwritten sympathy notes need to be acknowledged with a thank you card in return. And a close member of the family can write them in place of the immediate family who is grieving. 

 The Geek Posse!!!

honestly, I would never expect a thank you note for a sympathy card, hand written or not. Maybe its the "right" thing but I would never expect it. And I would hope my friends/family would be focusing more on healing than worrying about sending me a thank you note

 

 

 

 

 

 

 It wouldn't occur to me either. 

When DD was a senior in high school, her best friend's father died. She and I spent a few weeks at their house doing various things from shopping to cleaning to putting the mom and daughter to bed on the bad nights. I never got a thank you card and I am glad. I wouldn't want them worrying about that when they couldn't even get it together to buy toilet paper or pay bills. 



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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite ! 
ed11563


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Mellow Momma wrote:

Also a note for future reference, if someone thanks you in person for something you did while they were grieving (whatever it is that you did, a card, donation to charity, etc) the proper response is not "you are welcome". The proper response is "I was so sorry to hear of your mother's passing. I think of you often." etc. Telling someone who just lost a loved one that they are welcome is gauche. Good to know.

Excellent advice, thank you. 

 



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Blankie


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No thank you note is required for a condolence card. That's just absurd to expect it.

My parents received oodles of sympathy cards when my sister died. Probably over a hundred.

It would have been ridiculous to write thank you notes for all of them.

They did thank you notes for funeral flowers, for donations of food, things like that.

It's also not necessary to write thank you's to all the people who attend a wake or funeral and sign the guest book.

Talk about over-burdening the bereaved! Give them a break!



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