TOTALLY GEEKED!

Wow. Yep. Prudie is way off on this one.

What do you want her to do? Once u ring the bell you can't unring it. And now that she started she isn't going to just stop. I would put her on birth cpntrol but tell her I am very disappointed.

I'm with Prudie on this one.

jlbear71 wrote:

---

Being the daughter whose boyfriend was caught naked in her bedroom at 16, reality is D is going to have sex whether Mom likes it or not. Either Mom supports her D in staying protected from pregnancy and STDs or she doesn't. Believe me, my parents were ashamed and disappointed. My mother freaked and I just was better at hiding stuff from her. I did not need a bedroom in order to have sex.

What I disagree with is how things are handled with the boyfriend. I think they should talk to him similarly as to how they are with D about pregnancy and STDs.

---

 Spot on. 

And if you turn this into something she is "forbidden" to do, she will seek out ways to do it even more. If you try and control her every move so she does not even have an opportunity to have sex...she will end up pregnant out of spite or she will run away. 

Yes, having sex at 15 is not ideal. But the more this mom makes it a hill to die on, the more the daughter will show her just which one of them will be the one dying on it. 

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Teaching your daughter about preventing pregnancy and STDs does not mean you have to approve of her having sex. And a FIFTEEN year old should not be having sex.

My child would be told that I was glad she was honest, but it is not acceptable and must stop. The fact that she has had sex doesn't not mean it has to continue. For telling me the truth, I would not demand that she break up with her boyfriend, but their opportunities to spend un-chaperoned time together would be at an end. My children know what I expect of them, and having sex at 15 would be breaking the trust we have - she would have to earn it back.

---

 Fair enough, but how would you enforce that?

And, back to the OP, I wonder how old the mom was when she started having sex?

flan

You tell a 15 year old that they cannot spend any un-chaperoned time with their boyfriend and you are telling them to learn to lie to you. All that will do is encourage the girl to lie to her mother about where she is going and who will be there.

flan327 wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Teaching your daughter about preventing pregnancy and STDs does not mean you have to approve of her having sex. And a FIFTEEN year old should not be having sex.

My child would be told that I was glad she was honest, but it is not acceptable and must stop. The fact that she has had sex doesn't not mean it has to continue. For telling me the truth, I would not demand that she break up with her boyfriend, but their opportunities to spend un-chaperoned time together would be at an end. My children know what I expect of them, and having sex at 15 would be breaking the trust we have - she would have to earn it back.

---

 Fair enough, but how would you enforce that?

And, back to the OP, I wonder how old the mom was when she started having sex?

flan

---

 Spectacularly.  All all girl boarding school would not be ruled out. 

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Teaching your daughter about preventing pregnancy and STDs does not mean you have to approve of her having sex. And a FIFTEEN year old should not be having sex.

My child would be told that I was glad she was honest, but it is not acceptable and must stop. The fact that she has had sex doesn't not mean it has to continue. For telling me the truth, I would not demand that she break up with her boyfriend, but their opportunities to spend un-chaperoned time together would be at an end. My children know what I expect of them, and having sex at 15 would be breaking the trust we have - she would have to earn it back.

---

 Fair enough, but how would you enforce that?

And, back to the OP, I wonder how old the mom was when she started having sex?

flan

---

 Spectacularly.  All all girl boarding school would not be ruled out. 

---

 Okay.

flan

p.s. I'm curious, LL. At what age would you be comfortable with your daughters having sex?

flan327 wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Teaching your daughter about preventing pregnancy and STDs does not mean you have to approve of her having sex. And a FIFTEEN year old should not be having sex.

My child would be told that I was glad she was honest, but it is not acceptable and must stop. The fact that she has had sex doesn't not mean it has to continue. For telling me the truth, I would not demand that she break up with her boyfriend, but their opportunities to spend un-chaperoned time together would be at an end. My children know what I expect of them, and having sex at 15 would be breaking the trust we have - she would have to earn it back.

---

 Fair enough, but how would you enforce that?

And, back to the OP, I wonder how old the mom was when she started having sex?

flan

---

 Spectacularly.  All all girl boarding school would not be ruled out. 

---

 Okay.

flan

p.s. I'm curious, LL. At what age would you be comfortable with your daughters having sex?

---

Comfortable or resigned?  Once she's an adult and not living in my house - I have no control and would have to accept it, but I would not be comfortable with it until she is married.  Having unmarried sex in my house, however, would never be acceptable. 

Kids can be reasoned with.  She's 11 and we've already had this talk twice.  She knows exactly what I expect.  I'm not stupid enough to bury my head in the sand.  And I'm not stupid enough to give her the opportunity.  I want to know how FIFTEEN years olds are able to have enough alone time with a boy and where that their parents don't know what they are doing. 

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Teaching your daughter about preventing pregnancy and STDs does not mean you have to approve of her having sex. And a FIFTEEN year old should not be having sex.

My child would be told that I was glad she was honest, but it is not acceptable and must stop. The fact that she has had sex doesn't not mean it has to continue. For telling me the truth, I would not demand that she break up with her boyfriend, but their opportunities to spend un-chaperoned time together would be at an end. My children know what I expect of them, and having sex at 15 would be breaking the trust we have - she would have to earn it back.

---

 Fair enough, but how would you enforce that?

And, back to the OP, I wonder how old the mom was when she started having sex?

flan

---

 Spectacularly.  All all girl boarding school would not be ruled out. 

---

 Well, I live on the campus of a boarding school and I can confirm that the kids here are having sex. Even if you sent her to an all girls school it wouldn't matter. They can and do find ways to do exactly what they want to do.  

Mellow Momma wrote:

---

I for one had sex during school hours in an unused classroom. So trust me, it isn't the parents lack of supervision that is allowing this. If a kid wants to do it, he or she will find a way.

---

 And that is why you make sure they know it isn't worth it.

Domestic Engineer wrote:

---

I'm pretty certain that I am in the minority when I say this, but why in the heck was the daughter allowed to start dating at 14. Most 14 yr olds are not mature enough to know what shirt is appropriate to wear, much less, what guys are appropriate to date.

---

 Exactly.  I don't understand letting a 14 or 15 year old go off alone with a boy long enough to be having sex. 

 

But I guess you and I will be the minority in the actual enforcing of proper expectations for young teenage girls.  Geesh. 

 

My odd ball kids didn't even date, as teenagers.

Let alone have sex.

I'm not unhappy about that!

It saved me from a lot of sleepless nights.

-- Edited by Fort Worth Mom on Saturday 30th of May 2015 02:07:53 PM

As a teenager, I was very creative on where the deed was done but I still needed privacy. Was only walked in on once. I usually heard people coming.

At school (bathrooms, empty classrooms, locker room, maintenance closets), in an out of the way alcove at the mall, in the backyard shed, someone's garage, in the car, van or truck, in the cellar way stairs, in the woods, between the neighbors pool and azalea bushes (8 feet high), at the park.

Now, we must have done something right with DSS since he waited until his wedding night two years ago.

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

---

Mellow Momma wrote:

---

You tell a 15 year old that they cannot spend any un-chaperoned time with their boyfriend and you are telling them to learn to lie to you. All that will do is encourage the girl to lie to her mother about where she is going and who will be there.

---

 Yup. Are you going to chaperone every second of every day?  What about at school? Or if school gets out before you get out of work?

My mother tried very hard, and she failed spectacularly.

I can't actually recall hearing a win for the parents in any contest of parents verses kids having sex.

---

 Believe it or not - I know many people who know where their kids are at all times.  If a nanny was required b/c I was working - so be it.  Prove you can't be trusted and you won't be. 

---

It doesn't matter.  You can't control them 24/7.  You are delusional if you think you can.   

Blankie wrote:

---

But sometimes unplanned pregnancies happen, even with birth control. Or with kids who are using it improperly.

What is this kid's plan if the birth control fails and she gets pregnant? If I were that mother, I would insist on having that conversation.

And it is absolutely this mother's business if this kid is living under her roof.

If this kid thinks she is mature enough to have sex at 15 (which she isn't), then she needs to prove herself by having a plan in place.

Too many grandparents raising their grandchildren these days, because kids make foolish choices and their parents have to pick up the pieces.

 

 

 

---

 

They are a LOT more likely to happen without birth control. 

-- Edited by huskerbb on Saturday 30th of May 2015 03:38:10 PM

Blankie wrote:

---

But sometimes unplanned pregnancies happen, even with birth control. Or with kids who are using it improperly.

What is this kid's plan if the birth control fails and she gets pregnant? If I were that mother, I would insist on having that conversation.

And it is absolutely this mother's business if this kid is living under her roof.

If this kid thinks she is mature enough to have sex at 15 (which she isn't), then she needs to prove herself by having a plan in place.

Too many grandparents raising their grandchildren these days, because kids make foolish choices and their parents have to pick up the pieces.

 

 

 

 

---

 I agree.  People should not be having sex until they are capable of solely dealing with the consequences - and that includes raising a kid on their own if need be.

 

 

Kids are wonderful - they will actually try to meet the expectations you have of them.  If you (general you) don't have any expectations of them - you have set them up to fail from the get go.

huskerbb wrote:

---

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

---

What do you want her to do? Once u ring the bell you can't unring it. And now that she started she isn't going to just stop. I would put her on birth cpntrol but tell her I am very disappointed.

---

Exactly.  The abstinence ship has left the harbor.  

---

 Yep.

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

 Then you make other things more important.  Just because a girl is not a virgin anymore does not mean she is incapable of controlling herself. 
And if she wants to sneak around having sex more than she wants my trust, her freedom, my money, a phone, computer access, and every other luxury a teenager is NOT entitled to - then her life is going to be pretty damn miserable.  I do not think I have raised stupid children. 

 

 

-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Saturday 30th of May 2015 08:25:38 PM

---

I know my parents raised me to the best of their ability.  They did their best to instill their values and beliefs and to be the best that I could be.  They did not raise a stupid child.  I may have done stupid things but I was far from a stupid child.  Probably too smart.  I was bored ALOT.  Which caused many problems.

That said, I did not care about what my mother wanted as far as having her trust, money or any other luxury.  Freedom?  I was pretty much "grounded" from the time I was 15 until I graduated.  That did not stop me from going out, having sex, trying drugs or alcohol.  Money?  I started working when I was 12 for both her and outside companies and there was no way she was getting any of my money.  Respect?  Did not care too much about Mom's at the time since we argued so much.  I had my bags pack so many times to move out I just kept a go bag ready.  Dad stopped me every time.  He's the one whose respect and trust mattered to me.  Driving?  I used my money to pay for my car and insurance so they could not take that away either.  I wrote a contract because I legally had to have a parents name on it.   Education?  I did enough to pass but nothing motivated me to do better.  I knew I was smart and just threw it away for stupid reasons.

I was not a stupid child.  I wish I had put that effort towards better things then.  But then, I would not be the same person I am today.

Once a child HAS had sex...once the ship has sailed...punishing that child will do you no good. None. It will teach the child to hide where he/she is going, teach the child to lie about who will be there, and teach the child to get sneaky and have sex in places the child is allowed to be. Two of us here have admitted to having sex in school during school hours. Are you going to walk to each class with your child? No. Eventually you will have to trust your child. And if she continues to have sex, you can bet she won't be so stupid to tell you about it. That's the opposite of what I want from my child.

I never told my kids not to have sex. I told them it had risks, it had consequences. They knew I got pregnant at 19 and they knew that wasn't they wanted for themselves. I also taught them that if they did have sex, they needed to protect themselves. Abstinence only education does not work. It's been proven. So arm your child with the tools to make the right decision.



**Part of the problem with abstinence only education is girls think that once they have sex that they are worthless pieces of trash that no one will want. So they continue to engage in risky behavior. Elizabeth Smart wrote a wonderful piece about it. It makes great reading.

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

---

Get back to us when u actually have teens and believe you know where they are 24/7.

---

 So, because you couldn't control your kids you assume nobody can?

---

 Alright, so you have expectations for your children, Good for you.

If they don't meet those expectations, they will be severely punished, and be miserable until they can manage to move out.

If your kids are as smart and wonderful as you say--They are not going to tell you they are having sex.

Hopefully it will be within the context of a long term and loving relationship, but no, any smart kid would never let you find out.

You r kid, your choice--But don't fool yourself that mama's expectations hold a candle to young lust.

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Domestic Engineer wrote:

---

I'm pretty certain that I am in the minority when I say this, but why in the heck was the daughter allowed to start dating at 14. Most 14 yr olds are not mature enough to know what shirt is appropriate to wear, much less, what guys are appropriate to date.

---

 Exactly.  I don't understand letting a 14 or 15 year old go off alone with a boy long enough to be having sex. 

 

But I guess you and I will be the minority in the actual enforcing of proper expectations for young teenage girls.  Geesh. 

 

---

 I'm in the minority too! 

I have a problem with the concept of punishing my child = teaching them to lie. Part of parenting is punishing one's child when it is appropriate. DS would be in a world of trouble if he took being punished as permission to lie to me.

My son will know that he can come to us regardless of what the issue is. He will also know our expectations of him. Ideally, he will wait to have sex until he is in a committed, monogamous relationship and is an adult. We will, of course, teach him that the Bible says premarital sex is a sin but we won't be disappointed in him if he doesn't wait till marriage. We will also work very to drill it into his head that he needs to be VERY certain that the woman he's having sex with is an adult. However, sex ed will start whenever he starts asking questions - age appropriate and truthful answers will be given. When he's nearing puberty, he will learn all about what that means for him and making sure he knows that if he wants to have sex, he needs to use protection. I would rather buy him condoms and spermicide than risk him getting a girl pregnant or getting an STD. He will learn all about pregnancy and STDs. If he does screw up and get a girl pregnant, he will be required to get a job to support his child and learn how to balance school and work. He will be expected to be an active father in his child's life. And, frankly, if he must have sex (especially as a minor), I'd rather he have it at home instead of elsewhere and risk getting arrested or worse for public indecency.

huskerbb wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

---

Mellow Momma wrote:

---

You tell a 15 year old that they cannot spend any un-chaperoned time with their boyfriend and you are telling them to learn to lie to you. All that will do is encourage the girl to lie to her mother about where she is going and who will be there.

---

 Yup. Are you going to chaperone every second of every day?  What about at school? Or if school gets out before you get out of work?

My mother tried very hard, and she failed spectacularly.

I can't actually recall hearing a win for the parents in any contest of parents verses kids having sex.

---

 Believe it or not - I know many people who know where their kids are at all times.  If a nanny was required b/c I was working - so be it.  Prove you can't be trusted and you won't be. 

---

It doesn't matter.  You can't control them 24/7.  You are delusional if you think you can.   

---

 So, it's delusional to think a parent can control 1 kid 24/7 but not that a teacher can control 30 kids all day at school?   I call shenanigans.

-- Edited by Tignanello on Sunday 31st of May 2015 02:41:28 AM