TOTALLY GEEKED!

Every single on of my friends had sex while in high school. That is, all of my friends in high school had sex. I now now people that waited, but when I was 16, it was the norm...

Thanks to jlbear, ohfour & MM!

flan

Mellow Momma wrote:

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I am not the only one here who had sex during school hours. I think there are two of us who admitted it. FYI.

Get your daughter a nanny at 15. That is a spectacular idea. It won't hurt her self esteem at all. She will have tons of friends too. Great idea.

When you teach abstinence only, and a girl has sex, she is more likely to continue to have sex because she thinks she is trash. Elizabeth Smart likened it to feeling like "chewed up gum". She feels like she has no value, like her whole life is ruined and there is no point to saying no to sex in the future. So getting that nanny will make her self esteem SO much better once every kid on school finds out and starts mocking her relentlessly. Ought to be smoooooth sailing after that.

Smh

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 No where did I say you teach abstinence only.  Of course you teach the other stuff - it's part of everything.  And it is PROVEN that girls that have sex too young have lower self esteem.  So, if enforcing my house rules gives it - then I would prefer that over the potential pregnancy, disease and ruined reputation.

 

But, I did NOT attack anyone here specifically, I responded to the posts presented as "normal"  And no - it is not normal to have sex in the school building while IN school.  I call shenanigans on anyone who claims that.

 

But, let me be CLEAR so that you can flame me for what I have actually said and not what I haven't. 

When a parent makes is clear that sex at 15 is not acceptable and then a teenager does it anyway, through whatever means, they are disobeying their parents and breaking rules.  They are being disrespectful.  They are lying.  And they are betraying their parents trust.  Those things are WRONG, whether you want to admit it or not because you happen to be one of those teens that did it.

Now, teenagers get to be wrong sometimes, and parents do their best to enforce the rules and help them not make mistakes.  Sometimes it is not going to work.  But when a person becomes an adult, there comes a time through maturity that you realize that you did things wrong as a teenager - you don't continue to blame your parents for the stupid **** you did because you only lied because they wouldn't accept you breaking their rules.  That is a childish reasoning.  You broke the rules and lied because you were a teenager who wanted to do what you wanted to do regardless of what your parents said.  You didn't respect them and yet you think that they should have respected you.  That is the faulty reasoning of a teenager at its best. 

So much to try to catch up on. Goodness, this mushroomed huh.

I didn't have sex until I was 18. Two reasons. One, I made the choice to wait because I didn't want my parents to do the "where did I go wrong" thing. It was an adult decision and, honestly, there was no emotion involved in it. And two, I was flat scared to have sex until then. My parents would have "killed" me.

I will also admit that Caitlyn came to me around 17 and said she needed the pill. I wanted to hide my head but I flat out asked and she admitted to having sex with her then bf.

I was disappointed as sad. I told her that. I took her the very next week to get pills and talk to a doctor. Told her that she is responsible for her health in every sense of the word. She came to me about a month later, said she didn't want to have sex again till she was married. And I believe, after seeing her take the steps to keep herself out of situations, that she hasnt.She went so far as to take a church purity class and wears her ring daily. If someone asks about her ring, it looks like an engagement ring, she tells them with a big smile what it is.

Both Jesse and Aaron are not having sex. They have both talked to me privately from time to time about making the choice to not complicate their lives with it.

Now, I know the statistics say all three of my kids should be drop outs, with several kids of their own and basically be scum.

But that just isn't the case.

So it is possible for a person to make the right choices. Even after making the wrong choice.

The OP needs to realize this isn't the end of something. It's the beginning of a new relationship with her daughter. And she needs to ask what she wants that to be.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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The entire point of this is that parents do not have to simply "accept" that their kids are having sex. If a kid breaks your rules - any rules - there should be consequences. They don't just get to go about their life as if they did nothing wrong.

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 And over reacting will drive them into the arms of the first boy with puppy dog eyes who says "I understand you baby". I am not saying you have to just accept it. But making it into a huge huge issue will only drive the teenager away from you and teach them not to trust you with important information in the future. 

IMHO Lily handled it just right. Give them your perspective, get them the tools they need to be healthy, and let them make their own choices. Because when it comes down to it, you won't be there when temptation strikes again. They need to decide for themselves that they don't want to. And it has to be for a better reason than "my parents will kill me". It has to be for themselves. 

So do you punish them for having sex or for not telling you a out it and getting permission first?

Yes, Caitlyn had to earn my trust back. But other than having a serious and frank talk about it, what do you do?

Could have flipped on her. Easily. Could have confined her to her room and monitored her phone calls, followed her everywhere. But what would that have done?

It took me days to be able to sit down and talk to her calmly. She knew she had let me down and she knew she had let herself down.

I think it becomes real easy to make something like this about the parent and their feelings instead of focusing on the child and why they made that choice.

I know I didn't want to Caitlyn to feel she was wrong trusting me or coming to me. I had always told her she could come to me about anything. I wasn't going to make this the moment I proved otherwise. That is when she needed me most.

I couldn't go to my parents about things like that. Heck my mom still won't talk to me about things like sex or female issues. Says you just don't talk about it.

There are times, as a parent, you have to remember what it was like to be the child.

lilyofcourse wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Well, I keep saying very reasonable things, but then I keep getting accused of not controlling my kids, wanting kids to run wild and have sex, etc. That isn't what I said at all.

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 There is a difference in control and equipping them to succeed. 

 

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 Where did I say otherwise? 

lilyofcourse wrote:

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So do you punish them for having sex or for not telling you a out it and getting permission first?

Yes, Caitlyn had to earn my trust back. But other than having a serious and frank talk about it, what do you do?

Could have flipped on her. Easily. Could have confined her to her room and monitored her phone calls, followed her everywhere. But what would that have done?

It took me days to be able to sit down and talk to her calmly. She knew she had let me down and she knew she had let herself down.

I think it becomes real easy to make something like this about the parent and their feelings instead of focusing on the child and why they made that choice.

I know I didn't want to Caitlyn to feel she was wrong trusting me or coming to me. I had always told her she could come to me about anything. I wasn't going to make this the moment I proved otherwise. That is when she needed me most.

I couldn't go to my parents about things like that. Heck my mom still won't talk to me about things like sex or female issues. Says you just don't talk about it.

There are times, as a parent, you have to remember what it was like to be the child.

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 Well, quite frankly - if at 17 they think they are old enough to take part in adult behavior, then they will get the benefit of ALL adult behavior, including paying for everything they may want.  My requirements as a parent are to provide food, shelter and clothing.  I'm not required to pay for a phone, designer clothes, or a car or car insurance. 

So, SURE - pretend to be an adult by engaging in adult behavoir.  They enjoy all the blessings of adulthood, including paying for the lifestyle you want or going without.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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So, are you saying Lilly should have kicked her daughter out of the house and told her to fend for herself?

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 WHERE did I say kick her out?  I absolutely did not. I even said parents are required to provide food, shelter and clothing.

But parents forget that LUXURIES are not requirements.  If my child does not want to respect the rules of my house while living there and lies to me about where they are and what they are doing and wants to pretend to be an adult, why on earth should be subsidizing that behavior?

flan327 wrote:

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Kids mature at different rates.

flan

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The maturest 15 year old in the world is still too young to be having sex.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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flan327 wrote:

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Kids mature at different rates.

flan

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The maturest 15 year old in the world is still too young to be having sex.

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How long ago was it that 15 year olds were getting married?

flan 

flan327 wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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flan327 wrote:

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Kids mature at different rates.

flan

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The maturest 15 year old in the world is still too young to be having sex.

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How long ago was it that 15 year olds were getting married?

flan 

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 That has not been the society we live in for a very long time.  And back then, kids were taught responsibility very, very young, and were not the same as kids today.  They also usually died by age 40. 

The society we live in NOW kids cannot get married, drive or even hold most jobs at 15.  So your example is not relevant in the least.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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I am not the only one here who had sex during school hours. I think there are two of us who admitted it. FYI.

Get your daughter a nanny at 15. That is a spectacular idea. It won't hurt her self esteem at all. She will have tons of friends too. Great idea.

When you teach abstinence only, and a girl has sex, she is more likely to continue to have sex because she thinks she is trash. Elizabeth Smart likened it to feeling like "chewed up gum". She feels like she has no value, like her whole life is ruined and there is no point to saying no to sex in the future. So getting that nanny will make her self esteem SO much better once every kid on school finds out and starts mocking her relentlessly. Ought to be smoooooth sailing after that.

Smh

---

 No where did I say you teach abstinence only.  Of course you teach the other stuff - it's part of everything.  And it is PROVEN that girls that have sex too young have lower self esteem.  So, if enforcing my house rules gives it - then I would prefer that over the potential pregnancy, disease and ruined reputation.

 

But, I did NOT attack anyone here specifically, I responded to the posts presented as "normal"  And no - it is not normal to have sex in the school building while IN school.  I call shenanigans on anyone who claims that.

 

But, let me be CLEAR so that you can flame me for what I have actually said and not what I haven't. 

When a parent makes is clear that sex at 15 is not acceptable and then a teenager does it anyway, through whatever means, they are disobeying their parents and breaking rules.  They are being disrespectful.  They are lying.  And they are betraying their parents trust.  Those things are WRONG, whether you want to admit it or not because you happen to be one of those teens that did it.

Now, teenagers get to be wrong sometimes, and parents do their best to enforce the rules and help them not make mistakes.  Sometimes it is not going to work.  But when a person becomes an adult, there comes a time through maturity that you realize that you did things wrong as a teenager - you don't continue to blame your parents for the stupid **** you did because you only lied because they wouldn't accept you breaking their rules.  That is a childish reasoning.  You broke the rules and lied because you were a teenager who wanted to do what you wanted to do regardless of what your parents said.  You didn't respect them and yet you think that they should have respected you.  That is the faulty reasoning of a teenager at its best. 

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 See, now this makes more sense to me.  For me, note I said for me, I never blamed my parents for the stupid chit I did as a teenager.  Did I rebel?  yes but I knew what I was choosing to do.  And yes, both parents and children deserve to be respected from both sides.

Should a 15 year old be having sex?  No.  And I never said that a parent should condone it because it is happening.  But what else is wrong is making that child feel so horrible about it that if/when it happens again, they will not want to confide in that parent and will do everything in their power to hide it.  Because not only has the parent lost the trust in the child, but the child has lost trust in the parent.  I know my parents told me that I could always come to them no matter what.  Well, that was the biggest lie.  I could handle the disappointment and the lack of trust.  But caution needs to be taken to not let it go overboard.  Having your child be in a completely policed state is overboard, IMO.  

Part of growing up and becoming an adult is making mistakes.  No one learned to walk or ride a bike on the first try.  I am NOT saying that a 15 should be having sex.  But you know what, once that happens, that is not even really the issue anymore.  It's a trust issue from both sides.  We as parents have to trust that we are teaching out children to make the best choices in life.  And some of those will be the wrong one.  What is the point of teaching them to be afraid to come to us when they do make a mistake?

And yes, I had sex in my high school while I was a student.  More than once and more than one location in the school.  There were over 2000 people in my HS for 10th, 11th and 12th grade.  It was a very large school and there were plenty of places that were secluded.  I may have had an additional advantage as my father worked in custodial/maintenance at the school and had master keys to every door which I had access to.

My DD is an adult with a child of her own now. But she was something of a hellion for some of her teen years, and acted out quite a bit. Staying out all night sometimes, and other things. Dh and I did not accept her unacceptable behavior, and gave her firm boundaries and consequences for breaking the rules. We also gave her some much-needed counseling with an excellent therapist. And we talked a lot of the stuff out with her, to the extent that she would listen.

She told me something very gratifying a few years ago. She thanked DH and me for teaching her right from wrong during those years, and for not just letting her run wild. She said there is nothing more we could have done to make it better, that she was angry and she was going to act out. That's just the way it was.

But what she pointed out was that even though she was breaking rules, she learned what was right and wrong by our response to her actions. If we had just given in and condoned her actions, she would have gotten a very dangerous message that her behavior was acceptable.

I think this mother of the 15-year-old having sex needs to be very careful what message she sends her daughter. To throw her hands up in the air and just allow it without voicing any objections is not wise, IMO. She needs to strike a balance between protecting the kid with birth control, and having some very serious talks with her about all the unintended consequences this kid is setting herself up for. But WITHOUT coming on so strong that she alienates the kid, and drives her away. She needs very much to keep those lines of communication open.

 

lilyofcourse wrote:

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I use to think the same way. My kid will not this or that. And then my 10 year old grew up. Funny how that works.

Parenting a teenager is different. The choices both the child and the parent make will affect the rest of their lives and their relationship.

That is why it is so important to begin at birth teaching your child you can be trusted. Yeah. They have to learn that they n trust us not to freak out. To be the parent and not just the disciplinarian.

Sometimes, a parent needs to stop controlling, and start listening and start parenting.

Parenting isn't just about clothing, feeding and keeping them out of trouble. It's about teaching, guiding, leading and sometimes, understanding.

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Lily...

It's a good thing I'm sitting down.

Are you ready?

I AGREE WITH YOU.

flan 

lilyofcourse wrote:

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I use to think the same way. My kid will not this or that. And then my 10 year old grew up. Funny how that works.

Parenting a teenager is different. The choices both the child and the parent make will affect the rest of their lives and their relationship.

That is why it is so important to begin at birth teaching your child you can be trusted. Yeah. They have to learn that they n trust us not to freak out. To be the parent and not just the disciplinarian.

Sometimes, a parent needs to stop controlling, and start listening and start parenting.

Parenting isn't just about clothing, feeding and keeping them out of trouble. It's about teaching, guiding, leading and sometimes, understanding.

---

 It is NOT about condoning them disrespecting the rules you have set, taught, and guided them by.  Understanding and condoning is the difference between tolerance and acceptance. 

 

A parent does not get the luxury of giving up because "kids will be kids".

Lawyerlady wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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I use to think the same way. My kid will not this or that. And then my 10 year old grew up. Funny how that works.

Parenting a teenager is different. The choices both the child and the parent make will affect the rest of their lives and their relationship.

That is why it is so important to begin at birth teaching your child you can be trusted. Yeah. They have to learn that they n trust us not to freak out. To be the parent and not just the disciplinarian.

Sometimes, a parent needs to stop controlling, and start listening and start parenting.

Parenting isn't just about clothing, feeding and keeping them out of trouble. It's about teaching, guiding, leading and sometimes, understanding.

---

 It is NOT about condoning them disrespecting the rules you have set, taught, and guided them by.  Understanding and condoning is the difference between tolerance and acceptance. 

 

A parent does not get the luxury of giving up because "kids will be kids".

---

 That is not what I said. What I said is, you either help them through a really hard, and confusing time or you build a wall between you forever.

 

I am willing to bet you have told your girls they can come to you with anything. Anything. 

So if they come to you and say "mom I did xyz" and you go militant rigid my way or the highway on them, they won't make that same mistake again. They come to you about anything again. 

Like I said, parenting teenagers is a whole lot different from parenting a 10 yr old.

lilyofcourse wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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I use to think the same way. My kid will not this or that. And then my 10 year old grew up. Funny how that works.

Parenting a teenager is different. The choices both the child and the parent make will affect the rest of their lives and their relationship.

That is why it is so important to begin at birth teaching your child you can be trusted. Yeah. They have to learn that they n trust us not to freak out. To be the parent and not just the disciplinarian.

Sometimes, a parent needs to stop controlling, and start listening and start parenting.

Parenting isn't just about clothing, feeding and keeping them out of trouble. It's about teaching, guiding, leading and sometimes, understanding.

---

 It is NOT about condoning them disrespecting the rules you have set, taught, and guided them by.  Understanding and condoning is the difference between tolerance and acceptance. 

 

A parent does not get the luxury of giving up because "kids will be kids".

---

 That is not what I said. What I said is, you either help them through a really hard, and confusing time or you build a wall between you forever.

 

I am willing to bet you have told your girls they can come to you with anything. Anything. 

So if they come to you and say "mom I did xyz" and you go militant rigid my way or the highway on them, they won't make that same mistake again. They come to you about anything again. 

Like I said, parenting teenagers is a whole lot different from parenting a 10 yr old.

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 Well, no - it wouldn't be a military reaction - not unless every other thing I tried didn't work.  Stages.  The first step at fifteen?  A visit to the doctor - as necessary.  And she would be told it can't happen again, and then opportunities for it to happen would dry up for quite a while.  I mean - a fifteen year old shouldn't be going on real dates anyway. 

My feelings on the subject need to be clear and so do the consequences.  A nuclear, military lock-down reaction would not come until, say....she was caught having sex in school. 

BTW - my sister had sex at 11 for the first time and her entire flippin life was a mess. So, yes, you need to talk to your CHILDREN about sex, not wait until they are teenagers.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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I use to think the same way. My kid will not this or that. And then my 10 year old grew up. Funny how that works.

Parenting a teenager is different. The choices both the child and the parent make will affect the rest of their lives and their relationship.

That is why it is so important to begin at birth teaching your child you can be trusted. Yeah. They have to learn that they n trust us not to freak out. To be the parent and not just the disciplinarian.

Sometimes, a parent needs to stop controlling, and start listening and start parenting.

Parenting isn't just about clothing, feeding and keeping them out of trouble. It's about teaching, guiding, leading and sometimes, understanding.

---

 It is NOT about condoning them disrespecting the rules you have set, taught, and guided them by.  Understanding and condoning is the difference between tolerance and acceptance. 

 

A parent does not get the luxury of giving up because "kids will be kids".

---

 That is not what I said. What I said is, you either help them through a really hard, and confusing time or you build a wall between you forever.

 

I am willing to bet you have told your girls they can come to you with anything. Anything. 

So if they come to you and say "mom I did xyz" and you go militant rigid my way or the highway on them, they won't make that same mistake again. They come to you about anything again. 

Like I said, parenting teenagers is a whole lot different from parenting a 10 yr old.

---

 Well, no - it wouldn't be a military reaction - not unless every other thing I tried didn't work.  Stages.  The first step at fifteen?  A visit to the doctor - as necessary.  And she would be told it can't happen again, and then opportunities for it to happen would dry up for quite a while.  I mean - a fifteen year old shouldn't be going on real dates anyway. 

My feelings on the subject need to be clear and so do the consequences.  A nuclear, military lock-down reaction would not come until, say....she was caught having sex in school. 

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 No. The first step happens at birth. When you first hold that little baby a promise to always be there for them.

 

The next step is a daily exercise of instilling self respect, self control and being able to say no and that saying no is ok. 

Then you teach them they can trust you. That you won't bail, throw mistakes in their face and that you live the life you expect them to live.

By the time you have a 15 year old, you are either on solid ground and have a real living working healthy relationship or you are the warden and they are counting down the seconds tI'll they can get out.

 

And then if they do make a mistake you know the best thing to do is to listen. Then hug. Then listen some more.

Kids having sex at 15 is not about the sex most of the time. It's about filling some missing part of their lives.

I know it is easy to say what WILL happen. But until you live it, you really have no idea.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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I am not the only one here who had sex during school hours. I think there are two of us who admitted it. FYI.

Get your daughter a nanny at 15. That is a spectacular idea. It won't hurt her self esteem at all. She will have tons of friends too. Great idea.

When you teach abstinence only, and a girl has sex, she is more likely to continue to have sex because she thinks she is trash. Elizabeth Smart likened it to feeling like "chewed up gum". She feels like she has no value, like her whole life is ruined and there is no point to saying no to sex in the future. So getting that nanny will make her self esteem SO much better once every kid on school finds out and starts mocking her relentlessly. Ought to be smoooooth sailing after that.

Smh

---

 No where did I say you teach abstinence only.  Of course you teach the other stuff - it's part of everything.  And it is PROVEN that girls that have sex too young have lower self esteem.  So, if enforcing my house rules gives it - then I would prefer that over the potential pregnancy, disease and ruined reputation.

 

But, I did NOT attack anyone here specifically, I responded to the posts presented as "normal"  And no - it is not normal to have sex in the school building while IN school.  I call shenanigans on anyone who claims that.

 

But, let me be CLEAR so that you can flame me for what I have actually said and not what I haven't. 

When a parent makes is clear that sex at 15 is not acceptable and then a teenager does it anyway, through whatever means, they are disobeying their parents and breaking rules.  They are being disrespectful.  They are lying.  And they are betraying their parents trust.  Those things are WRONG, whether you want to admit it or not because you happen to be one of those teens that did it.

Now, teenagers get to be wrong sometimes, and parents do their best to enforce the rules and help them not make mistakes.  Sometimes it is not going to work.  But when a person becomes an adult, there comes a time through maturity that you realize that you did things wrong as a teenager - you don't continue to blame your parents for the stupid **** you did because you only lied because they wouldn't accept you breaking their rules.  That is a childish reasoning.  You broke the rules and lied because you were a teenager who wanted to do what you wanted to do regardless of what your parents said.  You didn't respect them and yet you think that they should have respected you.  That is the faulty reasoning of a teenager at its best. 

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 And of course teens would "never" push the boundaries and "never" lie.  Uh-huh. 

Those of you that want to shrug your shoulders and say "oh well", that is your prerogative.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Those of you that want to shrug your shoulders and say "oh well", that is your prerogative.

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Again, you must be having trouble reading today. 

 

point>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>LL

 

You could hardly be further away.  

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Those of you that want to shrug your shoulders and say "oh well", that is your prerogative.

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 I don't think that anyone here has that attitude.  I think that we all would handle it on our own ways that make it work for each of our families.