TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

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Sorry LL, but you are taking all of this way, way overboard.
Helicopter parenting at it's finest.

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 Well, since I'm not allowed to have an opinion on teenagers since I don't have any, yet, I guess you don't get to have one on parenting since you don't have any kids, yet.

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 Oh goodness. No one has said that. What has been said is your reality changes. 

I bet you felt differently about how to parent toddlers until you had one.

Same thing as having teens.

lilyofcourse wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

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Sorry LL, but you are taking all of this way, way overboard.
Helicopter parenting at it's finest.

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 Well, since I'm not allowed to have an opinion on teenagers since I don't have any, yet, I guess you don't get to have one on parenting since you don't have any kids, yet.

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 Oh goodness. No one has said that. What has been said is your reality changes. 

I bet you felt differently about how to parent toddlers until you had one.

Same thing as having teens.

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 That is absolute bull.  Try re-reading the thread.

I'm going to stop here.

Not trying to cause a fight.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

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LL, you have seriously talked about HIRING A NANNY for a TEENAGER.
To make sure she doesn't have sex!

Yes, that is insane. Yes, if that situation arises, and you follow through with it, it WILL damage your oh-so-perfect relationship with your daughter.

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 If my teenager LIES to me and BETRAYS MY TRUST - she will not have it.  PERIOD.  And if it takes a nanny to enforce my rules - so be it. 

You did that to your parents and you were so sheltered you were home-schooled.  And do NOT give me that crap about having to lie to your parents.  You did not have to lie, you did not have to have sex.  You broke your parents rules and you disrespected them. 

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Why yes, yes I did. And you know what?

I do not regret a SECOND of it.

I could have followed the rules, I could have stayed on the straight and very, very narrow. I could have.

But I DIDN'T.  I broke the rules, I learned, I grew, I explored, I tested the boundaries and went beyond.

I got myself into sticky situations, and got myself out again.

I learned to handle myself, to take responsibility of my own body, and that there was so little I couldn't do if I set my mind to it.

My parents repeated put me into adult situations and expected me to remain a child, but life doesn't work like that.  I do not regret having sex at a young age, I do not regret hiding books I wasn't supposed to have in creative places, I do not regret doing wild and dangerous things late at night with questionable people.

My lies and disrespect turned me into the confident and independent person I am today.  And you know what? I love that person. I love myself. I am a bit boring, a pound or two or ten overweight, and loose my temper when I struggle with a task, but I am confident, I am smart, I am sexy and I am capable of doing pretty much anything I want.

If I had followed all the rules and obeyed every law, I would not be me  And being me is pretty much the best thing ever.

So go ahead. Let your daughter's relationship decisions ruin your relationship. Keep her under your thumb, undercut her choices, make her life hell because she DARED to engage in a normal, pleasant experience with someone she loves and trusts.  Hire someone to watch her every second of every day. Take away all means of transportation and communication. She is your child and you can parent her however you want.

But when you don't allow your children room to grow, they don't.

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

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LL, you have seriously talked about HIRING A NANNY for a TEENAGER.
To make sure she doesn't have sex!

Yes, that is insane. Yes, if that situation arises, and you follow through with it, it WILL damage your oh-so-perfect relationship with your daughter.

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 If my teenager LIES to me and BETRAYS MY TRUST - she will not have it.  PERIOD.  And if it takes a nanny to enforce my rules - so be it. 

You did that to your parents and you were so sheltered you were home-schooled.  And do NOT give me that crap about having to lie to your parents.  You did not have to lie, you did not have to have sex.  You broke your parents rules and you disrespected them. 

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Why yes, yes I did. And you know what?

I do not regret a SECOND of it.

I could have followed the rules, I could have stayed on the straight and very, very narrow. I could have.

But I DIDN'T.  I broke the rules, I learned, I grew, I explored, I tested the boundaries and went beyond.

I got myself into sticky situations, and got myself out again.

I learned to handle myself, to take responsibility of my own body, and that there was so little I couldn't do if I set my mind to it.

My parents repeated put me into adult situations and expected me to remain a child, but life doesn't work like that.  I do not regret having sex at a young age, I do not regret hiding books I wasn't supposed to have in creative places, I do not regret doing wild and dangerous things late at night with questionable people.

My lies and disrespect turned me into the confident and independent person I am today.  And you know what? I love that person. I love myself. I am a bit boring, a pound or two or ten overweight, and loose my temper when I struggle with a task, but I am confident, I am smart, I am sexy and I am capable of doing pretty much anything I want.

If I had followed all the rules and obeyed every law, I would not be me  And being me is pretty much the best thing ever.

So go ahead. Let your daughter's relationship decisions ruin your relationship. Keep her under your thumb, undercut her choices, make her life hell because she DARED to engage in a normal, pleasant experience with someone she loves and trusts.  Hire someone to watch her every second of every day. Take away all means of transportation and communication. She is your child and you can parent her however you want.

But when you don't allow your children room to grow, they don't.

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 You were very lucky.  My sister broke all the rules and did not live a happy life.  I learned by watching her growing up that it was better to listen to my parents.  I have had a very happy life.  My kids to the most part followed our rules at least the very important ones.  They grew up with our values and followed them.  I've seen more heartache from others who rebelled then not. 

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

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And did you seriously not break a single rule? Never 'disrespected' your parents, not even once?
Seriously?

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 Yes, I absolutely did.  But then I grew up and realized I was stupid and did bad things and bad things could have happened.  I got drunk and passed out in a BAND's apartment.  It was only because they were good guys that I wasn't raped.  I did other dumb things, too.  But with maturity comes the realization that I should not have done them.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

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And did you seriously not break a single rule? Never 'disrespected' your parents, not even once?
Seriously?

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 Yes, I absolutely did.  But then I grew up and realized I was stupid and did bad things and bad things could have happened.  I got drunk and passed out in a BAND's apartment.  It was only because they were good guys that I wasn't raped.  I did other dumb things, too.  But with maturity comes the realization that I should not have done them.

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  As parents we do not want them to make the same mistakes as we did when we were young.   You always want better for them.  I know some parents who were rebellious as teens and they are pretty strict with their kids. 

Saying I have turned out to be independent and happy and in love with my life makes me a teenager? A lack of regrets for the road that has led me to where I am makes me immature?
Then maybe I never want to be an adult.

Lindley wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

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And did you seriously not break a single rule? Never 'disrespected' your parents, not even once?
Seriously?

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 Yes, I absolutely did.  But then I grew up and realized I was stupid and did bad things and bad things could have happened.  I got drunk and passed out in a BAND's apartment.  It was only because they were good guys that I wasn't raped.  I did other dumb things, too.  But with maturity comes the realization that I should not have done them.

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  As parents we do not want them to make the same mistakes as we did when we were young.   You always want better for them.  I know some parents who were rebellious as teens and they are pretty strict with their kids. 

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 It's a hard balance, that's for sure. You can be overly strict & alienate them, or make them want to rebel even more.

flan

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

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LL, you have seriously talked about HIRING A NANNY for a TEENAGER.
To make sure she doesn't have sex!

Yes, that is insane. Yes, if that situation arises, and you follow through with it, it WILL damage your oh-so-perfect relationship with your daughter.

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Unless the teen has sex with the Nanny, lol.  THat has happened to ya know! 

Ohfour wrote:

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I was THE hellchild. It doesn't get much worse that me as a teenager. But I was VERY VERY strict with my own children. I always knew where they were, they had much earlier curfews than their friends. They didn't do a many of the things their friends got to do. I was called out by more than one person about how strict I was.

I don't regret it for one minute. Both of my kids turned out much better than me. DD bought a house on her own when she was 21. Both kids have great jobs. They've never been arrested. They are much happier and more successful than I was at their age.


And I agree with LL. Dona, you come across as a teenager. For a while, I thought you WERE a teenager...

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 You've met my children.  Do they seem suffocated and unhappy to you?

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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I was THE hellchild. It doesn't get much worse that me as a teenager. But I was VERY VERY strict with my own children. I always knew where they were, they had much earlier curfews than their friends. They didn't do a many of the things their friends got to do. I was called out by more than one person about how strict I was.

I don't regret it for one minute. Both of my kids turned out much better than me. DD bought a house on her own when she was 21. Both kids have great jobs. They've never been arrested. They are much happier and more successful than I was at their age.


And I agree with LL. Dona, you come across as a teenager. For a while, I thought you WERE a teenager...

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 You've met my children.  Do they seem suffocated and unhappy to you?

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Do other people's children here seem like out of control hoodlums and thugs to you?

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 I'm the one being told I'm too strict and horrible and my children will hate me.  That is not going to happen - I know my children better than all of you. 

 

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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I was THE hellchild. It doesn't get much worse that me as a teenager. But I was VERY VERY strict with my own children. I always knew where they were, they had much earlier curfews than their friends. They didn't do a many of the things their friends got to do. I was called out by more than one person about how strict I was.

I don't regret it for one minute. Both of my kids turned out much better than me. DD bought a house on her own when she was 21. Both kids have great jobs. They've never been arrested. They are much happier and more successful than I was at their age.


And I agree with LL. Dona, you come across as a teenager. For a while, I thought you WERE a teenager...

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 You've met my children.  Do they seem suffocated and unhappy to you?

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Quite the opposite.  You have the happiest and sweetest children I've ever met.... 

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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I was THE hellchild. It doesn't get much worse that me as a teenager. But I was VERY VERY strict with my own children. I always knew where they were, they had much earlier curfews than their friends. They didn't do a many of the things their friends got to do. I was called out by more than one person about how strict I was.

I don't regret it for one minute. Both of my kids turned out much better than me. DD bought a house on her own when she was 21. Both kids have great jobs. They've never been arrested. They are much happier and more successful than I was at their age.


And I agree with LL. Dona, you come across as a teenager. For a while, I thought you WERE a teenager...

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 You've met my children.  Do they seem suffocated and unhappy to you?

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Do other people's children here seem like out of control hoodlums and thugs to you?

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 I'm the one being told I'm too strict and horrible and my children will hate me.  That is not going to happen - I know my children better than all of you. 

 

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I think your rules are perfectly fine LL.  But I haven't said that because I realize that now I am going to be flamed.

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 Ditto.

Honestly, I keep seeing stories of all these happy teenagers having wonderful meaningful sex but the stories I have had personal experience with were not romantic at all. DN went to school with a 13 year old who was pregnant with TWINS. Yes, twins. She had been having sex for a year. When I was in school I lived in section 8 housing and my next door neighbor was a young mom. She had her first daughter at 14. She had been sexually active for a year already. She wasn't surprised when her 14 year old came to her and told her she'd been having sex for two years. Her mom resigned herself to the fact that she had done it and so her daughter would do it too. So she just let her go do whatever. One day I went over there for something and knocked on the front door. The mother opened the door and there behind her on the sofa was the daughter and boyfriend engaged in the act. The mother had been three feet away cooking dinner. Imagine my shock when her 14 year announced she was pregnant. NOT. She delivered at 14 and the baby was born premature. The baby spent several weeks in NICU trying to get her little lungs mature. She came home to a family of smokers and three weeks later was back in the hospital with RSV. That baby spent more time in the NICU the first year of life than she did at home. The whole situation was sad. Oh, and the boyfriend hit the road and never looked back.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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Honestly, I keep seeing stories of all these happy teenagers having wonderful meaningful sex but the stories I have had personal experience with were not romantic at all. DN went to school with a 13 year old who was pregnant with TWINS. Yes, twins. She had been having sex for a year. When I was in school I lived in section 8 housing and my next door neighbor was a young mom. She had her first daughter at 14. She had been sexually active for a year already. She wasn't surprised when her 14 year old came to her and told her she'd been having sex for two years. Her mom resigned herself to the fact that she had done it and so her daughter would do it too. So she just let her go do whatever. One day I went over there for something and knocked on the front door. The mother opened the door and there behind her on the sofa was the daughter and boyfriend engaged in the act. The mother had been three feet away cooking dinner. Imagine my shock when her 14 year announced she was pregnant. NOT. She delivered at 14 and the baby was born premature. The baby spent several weeks in NICU trying to get her little lungs mature. She came home to a family of smokers and three weeks later was back in the hospital with RSV. That baby spent more time in the NICU the first year of life than she did at home. The whole situation was sad. Oh, and the boyfriend hit the road and never looked back.

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 I actually see that as a theme in a lot of this.  "I had sex at that age so I KNOW they are going to do it and I can't stop them."  Well, yes, actually you can.   Why did you do it?  How were you able to?  You CHANGE those things.  And it starts YOUNG.  You can't be a permissive parent and then try to lay down the law when it comes to sex - that isn't going to work.  Your kid has to be used to your rules.  I can't imagine my daughter ever even thinking she'd be allowed out alone on a date with a boy at fifteen.  IF they date at fifteen - mom drives you to the theater and sits in the back, or, at the very least, meets you right there when the movie ends.

And kids DO want boundaries and expectations.  Heck, my paralegal is even more protective than I am and her kids know it and their friends know it - it is just the way it is.  And did her oldest rebel?  Nope.  Straight A student, scholarship to college, about to transfer with a full ride to another college.  Not pregnant, not boy crazy, and she still adores her parents and follows their rules when she comes home.

Lindley wrote:

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flan327 wrote:

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Lindley wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

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And did you seriously not break a single rule? Never 'disrespected' your parents, not even once?
Seriously?

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 Yes, I absolutely did.  But then I grew up and realized I was stupid and did bad things and bad things could have happened.  I got drunk and passed out in a BAND's apartment.  It was only because they were good guys that I wasn't raped.  I did other dumb things, too.  But with maturity comes the realization that I should not have done them.

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  As parents we do not want them to make the same mistakes as we did when we were young.   You always want better for them.  I know some parents who were rebellious as teens and they are pretty strict with their kids. 

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 It's a hard balance, that's for sure. You can be overly strict & alienate them, or make them want to rebel even more.

flan

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  It is a balance.  You can let them make a case of why they think they should be able to stay out past curfew (exmp) There were times we said yes like a movie after night church where they would be home after curfew we would say yes. Out crusing with friends past curfew no.  Curfew broken without permission no car and grounded for awhile.  Yes my kids have broken rules but they had to deal with the consequences. 

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 Exactly. 

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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Honestly, I keep seeing stories of all these happy teenagers having wonderful meaningful sex but the stories I have had personal experience with were not romantic at all. DN went to school with a 13 year old who was pregnant with TWINS. Yes, twins. She had been having sex for a year. When I was in school I lived in section 8 housing and my next door neighbor was a young mom. She had her first daughter at 14. She had been sexually active for a year already. She wasn't surprised when her 14 year old came to her and told her she'd been having sex for two years. Her mom resigned herself to the fact that she had done it and so her daughter would do it too. So she just let her go do whatever. One day I went over there for something and knocked on the front door. The mother opened the door and there behind her on the sofa was the daughter and boyfriend engaged in the act. The mother had been three feet away cooking dinner. Imagine my shock when her 14 year announced she was pregnant. NOT. She delivered at 14 and the baby was born premature. The baby spent several weeks in NICU trying to get her little lungs mature. She came home to a family of smokers and three weeks later was back in the hospital with RSV. That baby spent more time in the NICU the first year of life than she did at home. The whole situation was sad. Oh, and the boyfriend hit the road and never looked back.

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 I actually see that as a theme in a lot of this.  "I had sex at that age so I KNOW they are going to do it and I can't stop them."  Well, yes, actually you can.   Why did you do it?  How were you able to?  You CHANGE those things.  And it starts YOUNG.  You can't be a permissive parent and then try to lay down the law when it comes to sex - that isn't going to work.  Your kid has to be used to your rules.  I can't imagine my daughter ever even thinking she'd be allowed out alone on a date with a boy at fifteen.  IF they date at fifteen - mom drives you to the theater and sits in the back, or, at the very least, meets you right there when the movie ends.

And kids DO want boundaries and expectations.  Heck, my paralegal is even more protective than I am and her kids know it and their friends know it - it is just the way it is.  And did her oldest rebel?  Nope.  Straight A student, scholarship to college, about to transfer with a full ride to another college.  Not pregnant, not boy crazy, and she still adores her parents and follows their rules when she comes home.

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  Kids do need boundaries and expectations. 

Can we all agree that we were all raised differently from each other? Can we all agree that we raise our children differently from each other?

That is the beauty that makes the world go round. I'm not saying that any of these situations is perfect. But what we do for our own family is our choice. It may not be right for the next family and it may be the thing that helps yet another.

I would also have to say that there is a world of difference between a 19 year old and a 15 year old. While a 19 year old is technically a teen they are also an adult. Usually by then you have your high school diploma, you can drive a car, and sign legal documents all on your own. Like apartment leases for example. Yes, the road may be hard but nothing like what it would be if you were 15. Here a 15 year old cannot drive or even have a permit. (There are exceptions but they usually are something like you have to take a parent to dialysis so they are not easy to get. Can't just walk in and get one.) At 15 you can't drive, don't have a diploma, generally can't get a job, and definitely aren't able to sign legal documents on your own. Even at 17 there are huge differences. At 17 you can drive and work. You may not have a high school diploma yet but you're pretty much there. If a 19 year old gets pregnant, while they may struggle, they can do it on their own. Many have. If a 15 year old gets pregnant her parents will be raising the baby. At 17 the girl can do things like take the baby to the doctor and things like that. This girl in the OP is 15. Way too young to be responsible for what might happen.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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Honestly, I keep seeing stories of all these happy teenagers having wonderful meaningful sex but the stories I have had personal experience with were not romantic at all. DN went to school with a 13 year old who was pregnant with TWINS. Yes, twins. She had been having sex for a year. When I was in school I lived in section 8 housing and my next door neighbor was a young mom. She had her first daughter at 14. She had been sexually active for a year already. She wasn't surprised when her 14 year old came to her and told her she'd been having sex for two years. Her mom resigned herself to the fact that she had done it and so her daughter would do it too. So she just let her go do whatever. One day I went over there for something and knocked on the front door. The mother opened the door and there behind her on the sofa was the daughter and boyfriend engaged in the act. The mother had been three feet away cooking dinner. Imagine my shock when her 14 year announced she was pregnant. NOT. She delivered at 14 and the baby was born premature. The baby spent several weeks in NICU trying to get her little lungs mature. She came home to a family of smokers and three weeks later was back in the hospital with RSV. That baby spent more time in the NICU the first year of life than she did at home. The whole situation was sad. Oh, and the boyfriend hit the road and never looked back.

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 I actually see that as a theme in a lot of this.  "I had sex at that age so I KNOW they are going to do it and I can't stop them."  Well, yes, actually you can.   Why did you do it?  How were you able to?  You CHANGE those things.  And it starts YOUNG.  You can't be a permissive parent and then try to lay down the law when it comes to sex - that isn't going to work.  Your kid has to be used to your rules.  I can't imagine my daughter ever even thinking she'd be allowed out alone on a date with a boy at fifteen.  IF they date at fifteen - mom drives you to the theater and sits in the back, or, at the very least, meets you right there when the movie ends.

And kids DO want boundaries and expectations.  Heck, my paralegal is even more protective than I am and her kids know it and their friends know it - it is just the way it is.  And did her oldest rebel?  Nope.  Straight A student, scholarship to college, about to transfer with a full ride to another college.  Not pregnant, not boy crazy, and she still adores her parents and follows their rules when she comes home.

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LOL!!!  You still don't get it. 

This girl is ALREADY having sex.  It's too fvcking late to "start young" and do all the things you say need to be done.   

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 Then her parents need to fix whatever freedom allows that to happen.  She's fifteen.  Parent.

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Leaving the house EVER or leaving her alone EVER.  That's a tall order. 

 

Going to lock her in the basement?   

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

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Saying I have turned out to be independent and happy and in love with my life makes me a teenager? A lack of regrets for the road that has led me to where I am makes me immature?
Then maybe I never want to be an adult.

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 The attitude about how you treated your parents and that you are not sorry for it even when they wanted the best for you sounds exactly like a teenager justifying their behavior.

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 If they had ever found out--maybe I would be.

But they never even knew, and at this point, there will never be a reason to tell them.

SO what should I be sorry for, exactly?  A bunch of mental anguish that never happened?

Ohfour wrote:

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They don't seem like very involved or caring parents if they didn't know what you were up to. Interesting...

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 My sister screamed, shouted, and rebelled loudly. She got caught doing all the things, and got into huge amounts of trouble for it all.

I was four years younger, socially awkward, shy, and extremely quiet. No one ever worried sweet little Dona was getting into trouble.  All I did was do chores, school work, read, or write.

Heck, my first boyfriend? We were pen pals. It doesn't GET anymore awkward or innocent than that. Who sends letters snail mail anymore? My mother thought it was wonderful.

And when we were together we were always in a public place, in a group, or with parents. Perfectly safe. 

Yup, that was me. That is still me. Under the radar was safer, easier, and made life soooooo much happier for everyone. 

 

ETA: And this is why I get extremely skeptical when parents smugly claim they know their kids, and know they aren't like that. Mine would have said the exact same thing.   They love me dearly, always have, and always will, but that doesn't mean they actually know me as well as they think.

-- Edited by Dona Worry Be Happy on Monday 1st of June 2015 09:03:19 PM

It's not giving in to them, to accept that teens will find a way to do what they want to do. The thing is to punish misbehavior in such a way that you don't drive them to hate or resent you so much that once they do leave the family home and strike out on their own they want nothing more to do with you. Ever.

It's a fine line to walk. Anyone that thinks they can stop them, if they want to break a rule badly enough, isn't thinking rationally.

The best parents can do is to do their best to instill good values in them, and hope they follow them, but also prepare, protect, and be there for them when they make other choices as well.

Trust in God's will that all that happens is according to His plan, even when they screw up, as children do.