TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

RE: Dear Prudie - my fifteen year old is having sex

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
They don't seem like very involved or caring parents if they didn't know what you were up to. Interesting...

My parents didn't know everything we were up too. Back then the Helicopters hadn't yet landed. Our group would meet up at a friend's house. Then we would hop on our bikes and take off all day for parts unknown in the town, going down to the creek, hanging out on the bridge and on and on.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
They don't seem like very involved or caring parents if they didn't know what you were up to. Interesting...
My sister screamed, shouted, and rebelled loudly. She got caught doing all the things, and got into huge amounts of trouble for it all.
I was four years younger, socially awkward, shy, and extremely quiet. No one ever worried sweet little Dona was getting into trouble. All I did was do chores, school work, read, or write.
Heck, my first boyfriend? We were pen pals. It doesn't GET anymore awkward or innocent than that. Who sends letters snail mail anymore? My mother thought it was wonderful.
And when we were together we were always in a public place, in a group, or with parents. Perfectly safe.
Yup, that was me. That is still me. Under the radar was safer, easier, and made life soooooo much happier for everyone.

ETA: And this is why I get extremely skeptical when parents smugly claim they know their kids, and know they aren't like that. Mine would have said the exact same thing. They love me dearly, always have, and always will, but that doesn't mean they actually know me as well as they think.

-- Edited by Dona Worry Be Happy on Monday 1st of June 2015 09:03:19 PM
Wow. And you are actually proud that you betrayed their trust - you would do it again. Nice.

Let's attack Dona for sharing her experience...

flan

ed11563 · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
They don't seem like very involved or caring parents if they didn't know what you were up to. Interesting...
My sister screamed, shouted, and rebelled loudly. She got caught doing all the things, and got into huge amounts of trouble for it all.
I was four years younger, socially awkward, shy, and extremely quiet. No one ever worried sweet little Dona was getting into trouble. All I did was do chores, school work, read, or write.
Heck, my first boyfriend? We were pen pals. It doesn't GET anymore awkward or innocent than that. Who sends letters snail mail anymore? My mother thought it was wonderful.
And when we were together we were always in a public place, in a group, or with parents. Perfectly safe.
Yup, that was me. That is still me. Under the radar was safer, easier, and made life soooooo much happier for everyone.

ETA: And this is why I get extremely skeptical when parents smugly claim they know their kids, and know they aren't like that. Mine would have said the exact same thing. They love me dearly, always have, and always will, but that doesn't mean they actually know me as well as they think.

-- Edited by Dona Worry Be Happy on Monday 1st of June 2015 09:03:19 PM
Wow. And you are actually proud that you betrayed their trust - you would do it again. Nice.

LL, you've completely missed the point.

She's not saying she's "proud", she's saying this is reality. People who think they know everything their teenagers are doing,

are living in Never-Never Land, lost in a dream world where their wishes can be assumed to be reality.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

ed11563 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
They don't seem like very involved or caring parents if they didn't know what you were up to. Interesting...
My sister screamed, shouted, and rebelled loudly. She got caught doing all the things, and got into huge amounts of trouble for it all.
I was four years younger, socially awkward, shy, and extremely quiet. No one ever worried sweet little Dona was getting into trouble. All I did was do chores, school work, read, or write.
Heck, my first boyfriend? We were pen pals. It doesn't GET anymore awkward or innocent than that. Who sends letters snail mail anymore? My mother thought it was wonderful.
And when we were together we were always in a public place, in a group, or with parents. Perfectly safe.
Yup, that was me. That is still me. Under the radar was safer, easier, and made life soooooo much happier for everyone.

ETA: And this is why I get extremely skeptical when parents smugly claim they know their kids, and know they aren't like that. Mine would have said the exact same thing. They love me dearly, always have, and always will, but that doesn't mean they actually know me as well as they think.

-- Edited by Dona Worry Be Happy on Monday 1st of June 2015 09:03:19 PM
Wow. And you are actually proud that you betrayed their trust - you would do it again. Nice.
LL, you've completely missed the point.
She's not saying she's "proud", she's saying this is reality. People who think they know everything their teenagers are doing,
are living in Never-Never Land, lost in a dream world where their wishes can be assumed to be reality.

Try reading up thread. She most certainly did. She said she is not sorry and would do it again. And then went on and on about how she is such a wonderful person because of the way she did those things.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I agree with ed, and, obviously, no two siblings are the same.

DS1 had a few minor incidents, which I knew about & didn't confront him. When he was a senior in high school, he called to tell me that he was spending the night at his best friend's house. Reception was fuzzy, so the next morning, I drove by friend's house (2 minutes from ours). His truck wasn't there.

They went to Bloomington & spent the night with a friend...

flan

Ohfour · Hooker

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
They don't seem like very involved or caring parents if they didn't know what you were up to. Interesting...
My parents didn't know everything we were up too. Back then the Helicopters hadn't yet landed. Our group would meet up at a friend's house. Then we would hop on our bikes and take off all day for parts unknown in the town, going down to the creek, hanging out on the bridge and on and on.

No, they didn't know everything, but Dona's parents were obviously oblivious to anything. She was not remotely the person they thought she was. Either they are totally oblivious or she was a great liar...either way....

huskerbb · Guru

Many teens are very good at lying, many parents are too trusting. Duh

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

A senior in high school is 17 or 18 years old. You keep comparing that like it matters. This is FIFTEEN. And a fifteen year old should not have the freedom available that allows her to be galivanting all over and doing whatever she pleases. Not in my house and not in my world.
They wouldn't be spending the night at a friend's house without me knowing their parents and calling and checking on them. They would NOT be going out and about in cars with people other than parents. Even the law doesn't allow for that for 16 year olds. So, HOW a parent who cares does not know where their kid is amazes me. In this day and age - there is no excuse.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
A senior in high school is 17 or 18 years old. You keep comparing that like it matters. This is FIFTEEN. And a fifteen year old should not have the freedom available that allows her to be galivanting all over and doing whatever she pleases. Not in my house and not in my world.
They wouldn't be spending the night at a friend's house without me knowing their parents and calling and checking on them. They would NOT be going out and about in cars with people other than parents. Even the law doesn't allow for that for 16 year olds. So, HOW a parent who cares does not know where their kid is amazes me. In this day and age - there is no excuse.

NONE of that would make much difference.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I am fully aware there are parents who let their kids do whatever. I will never be one of them.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Many teens are very good at lying, many parents are too trusting. Duh

Trust, but verify. Always.

Ohfour · Hooker

huskerbb wrote:
Many teens are very good at lying, many parents are too trusting. Duh

But to not have a clue who your child really is? Nope.

Ohfour · Hooker

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
A senior in high school is 17 or 18 years old. You keep comparing that like it matters. This is FIFTEEN. And a fifteen year old should not have the freedom available that allows her to be galivanting all over and doing whatever she pleases. Not in my house and not in my world.
They wouldn't be spending the night at a friend's house without me knowing their parents and calling and checking on them. They would NOT be going out and about in cars with people other than parents. Even the law doesn't allow for that for 16 year olds. So, HOW a parent who cares does not know where their kid is amazes me. In this day and age - there is no excuse.
NONE of that would make much difference.

Sure it would. It worked for me.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
I am fully aware there are parents who let their kids do whatever. I will never be one of them.

It's NOT an either/or situation. There are DEGREES of freedom.

flan

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
A senior in high school is 17 or 18 years old. You keep comparing that like it matters. This is FIFTEEN. And a fifteen year old should not have the freedom available that allows her to be galivanting all over and doing whatever she pleases. Not in my house and not in my world.
They wouldn't be spending the night at a friend's house without me knowing their parents and calling and checking on them. They would NOT be going out and about in cars with people other than parents. Even the law doesn't allow for that for 16 year olds. So, HOW a parent who cares does not know where their kid is amazes me. In this day and age - there is no excuse.
NONE of that would make much difference.
Sure it would. It worked for me.

It works for the people I know, too. The people who assume it won't work are the ones who never even tried.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
I am fully aware there are parents who let their kids do whatever. I will never be one of them.
It's NOT an either/or situation. There are DEGREES of freedom.
flan

Yes. They have the freedom to spend time at their friends house - if I know the parents and can check on them. They have the freedom to bring their friends to MY house, where I know where they are. They have the freedom to go to chaperoned activities, they do not have the freedom to go off in cars with their friends whenever they want. And as they get OLDER, they will get more freedom. But not at 15.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

This thread is cracking me up...

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
A senior in high school is 17 or 18 years old. You keep comparing that like it matters. This is FIFTEEN. And a fifteen year old should not have the freedom available that allows her to be galivanting all over and doing whatever she pleases. Not in my house and not in my world.
They wouldn't be spending the night at a friend's house without me knowing their parents and calling and checking on them. They would NOT be going out and about in cars with people other than parents. Even the law doesn't allow for that for 16 year olds. So, HOW a parent who cares does not know where their kid is amazes me. In this day and age - there is no excuse.
NONE of that would make much difference.
Sure it would. It worked for me.
It works for the people I know, too. The people who assume it won't work are the ones who never even tried.

This is so true. If you just throw you hands up and say there's nothing I can do then you ARE doing nothing.

huskerbb · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
A senior in high school is 17 or 18 years old. You keep comparing that like it matters. This is FIFTEEN. And a fifteen year old should not have the freedom available that allows her to be galivanting all over and doing whatever she pleases. Not in my house and not in my world.
They wouldn't be spending the night at a friend's house without me knowing their parents and calling and checking on them. They would NOT be going out and about in cars with people other than parents. Even the law doesn't allow for that for 16 year olds. So, HOW a parent who cares does not know where their kid is amazes me. In this day and age - there is no excuse.
NONE of that would make much difference.
Sure it would. It worked for me.

LOL!!! Because you started early. Duh. it's too fvcking late to start over with this girl.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I grew up in church. Sunday school every Sunday, church twice on Sunday, Wednesday service, Tuesday prayer meetings. Anytime the church doors were open, we were there.

I had a curfew at 16 of 11pm. At 18 it went up to 12am.

I was involved in school activities, marching band, drama, newspaper, was on the advisory board of students staying straight.

My mom and dad had all kinds of rules and restrictions.

With all of that, I was drinking, smoking pot, and sex was a game. How many dick points can you get in a certain amount of time? And just straight up sex wasnt enough. Creativity was encouraged.

And then there was the completely off the rails criminal streak.

I am not proud of the things I have done. And I own it all. It was all my choice.

But I also remember trying to talk to my mom. She would get flustered, tell me I either didn't need to know or shouldn't be thinking about it.

She would hide boxes of pads and tampons in her cart at the store cause it embarrassed her. The sex talk I got? She told me my husband would teach me what I needed to know.

Head completely in the sand.

It's a real miracle I didn't end up with something seriously bad like AIDS or even just dead.

I swore my daughter would not be as ignorant as I was. She would be as educated and capable of protecting herself as humanly possible.

My boys too.
I'd rather have them healthy and alive than naive and dead.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
I am fully aware there are parents who let their kids do whatever. I will never be one of them.
It's NOT an either/or situation. There are DEGREES of freedom.
flan
Yes. They have the freedom to spend time at their friends house - if I know the parents and can check on them. They have the freedom to bring their friends to MY house, where I know where they are. They have the freedom to go to chaperoned activities, they do not have the freedom to go off in cars with their friends whenever they want. And as they get OLDER, they will get more freedom. But not at 15.

My first experience with sex was in 2nd grade. Girl scouts actually. There was a game of "how does this feel" with a couple of the other girls.

The first experience with a guy was about 12 and the family and I were camping. Met a guy there about my age and found all sorts of "hiking trails" for games of touchy feely.

I remember sleepovers that involved games of "let me see".

No. Parents had no idea.

Ohfour · Hooker

lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
I am fully aware there are parents who let their kids do whatever. I will never be one of them.
It's NOT an either/or situation. There are DEGREES of freedom.
flan
Yes. They have the freedom to spend time at their friends house - if I know the parents and can check on them. They have the freedom to bring their friends to MY house, where I know where they are. They have the freedom to go to chaperoned activities, they do not have the freedom to go off in cars with their friends whenever they want. And as they get OLDER, they will get more freedom. But not at 15.
My first experience with sex was in 2nd grade. Girl scouts actually. There was a game of "how does this feel" with a couple of the other girls.
The first experience with a guy was about 12 and the family and I were camping. Met a guy there about my age and found all sorts of "hiking trails" for games of touchy feely.
I remember sleepovers that involved games of "let me see".
No. Parents had no idea.

I would have never EVER let my daughter wander around hiking trails with a boy unaccompanied.

Do you have sleepovers with boys? Cause that would NEVER EVER happen either...

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Ohfour wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
I am fully aware there are parents who let their kids do whatever. I will never be one of them.
It's NOT an either/or situation. There are DEGREES of freedom.
flan
Yes. They have the freedom to spend time at their friends house - if I know the parents and can check on them. They have the freedom to bring their friends to MY house, where I know where they are. They have the freedom to go to chaperoned activities, they do not have the freedom to go off in cars with their friends whenever they want. And as they get OLDER, they will get more freedom. But not at 15.
My first experience with sex was in 2nd grade. Girl scouts actually. There was a game of "how does this feel" with a couple of the other girls.
The first experience with a guy was about 12 and the family and I were camping. Met a guy there about my age and found all sorts of "hiking trails" for games of touchy feely.
I remember sleepovers that involved games of "let me see".
No. Parents had no idea.

I would have never EVER let my daughter wander around hiking trails with a boy unaccompanied.
Do you have sleepovers with boys? Cause that would NEVER EVER happen either...

I wasn't unaccompanied. I had a couple friends with me.

And no. The sleepovers were never coed.

Thing about curiosity, it isn't always gender specific.

Sexual activities can occur in all kinds of situations. With all kinds of people.

Camping trips with family and friends, church bus trips, school activities, movie theaters, by yourself in your own room.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Can this be moved to the breakroom please?

Ohfour · Hooker

lilyofcourse wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
I am fully aware there are parents who let their kids do whatever. I will never be one of them.
It's NOT an either/or situation. There are DEGREES of freedom.
flan
Yes. They have the freedom to spend time at their friends house - if I know the parents and can check on them. They have the freedom to bring their friends to MY house, where I know where they are. They have the freedom to go to chaperoned activities, they do not have the freedom to go off in cars with their friends whenever they want. And as they get OLDER, they will get more freedom. But not at 15.
My first experience with sex was in 2nd grade. Girl scouts actually. There was a game of "how does this feel" with a couple of the other girls.
The first experience with a guy was about 12 and the family and I were camping. Met a guy there about my age and found all sorts of "hiking trails" for games of touchy feely.
I remember sleepovers that involved games of "let me see".
No. Parents had no idea.

I would have never EVER let my daughter wander around hiking trails with a boy unaccompanied.
Do you have sleepovers with boys? Cause that would NEVER EVER happen either...
I wasn't unaccompanied. I had a couple friends with me.
And no. The sleepovers were never coed.
Thing about curiosity, it isn't always gender specific.
Sexual activities can occur in all kinds of situations. With all kinds of people.
Camping trips with family and friends, church bus trips, school activities, movie theaters, by yourself in your own room.

You did this in front of other kids? Really?

burns07 · Guru

well, had five siblings and my folks were very frank and open about sex--all the time--raised in a medical family, there weren't any real taboo subjects for discussion when we all gathered for meals or other times--my father was very direct with my brother and I and my mother ( and my father ) were very direct with our sisters--it just wasn't that big of a deal for any of us

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

No O4.

You are the self proclaimed "wild child". Why are you acting so surprised by these things?

Where there is a will. There is a way.

huskerbb · Guru

I snuck out of a house during a church youth trip. Didn't have any sex, but we snuck out.

Had a student who went to a church youth convention (not sure what denomination he was, Baptist, I think) and got laid.

It's not like there wasn't supervision, or that the parents were somehow "permissive"--they weren't. But unless you are going to lock them in the basement--they can find a way if they want to.

-- Edited by huskerbb on Tuesday 2nd of June 2015 01:33:07 PM

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Exactly.

Tinydancer · Guru

I don't care, I'll still do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't happen, as often as I can.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

huskerbb wrote:
I snuck out of a house during a church youth trip. Didn't have any sex, but we snuck out.

Had a student who went to a church youth convention (not sure what denomination he was, Baptist, I think) and got laid.

It's not like there wasn't supervision, or that the parents were somehow "permissive"--they weren't. But unless you are going to lock them in the basement--they can find a way if they want to.

-- Edited by huskerbb on Tuesday 2nd of June 2015 01:33:07 PM

Yes they will.

And treating a good kid like a criminal in order to prevent something that may not even happen will just breed resentment in that child. If your child gets good grades, behaves well, doesnt drink and is kind to others...treating that child like a prisoner without any trust whatsoever will only make that child feel like they have done something wrong. So they might as well do something wrong because they are already getting "punished" for it.

A parent with the obsessive need to keep calling and checking on a child's whereabouts - when the parent has NO reason to believe the child is lying and the child has never lied before - that's a parent making a big deal out of nothing and causing resentment.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Of course. But a person would have to be completely blind to not see that when someone wants to do something, they will find a way.

So my question is, after a parent takes every possible precaution, do you leave it at that? Or do you educate your child, giving them the tools to protect themselves?

To me, it is just about bc. It's about the health of my child.

I want them healthy and alive. Yeah, having a baby as a teenager has to be hard. Life altering.

But disease. That could be a death sentence.

So yeah. I am all for teaching them about all forms of bc. How to stay healthy. How to be in control of their lives. And giving them those tools doesn't mean they will have sex.

Ohfour · Hooker

I disagree. If you start out with expectations early, and keep to your values, your child will not necessarily rebel. Mine didn't...

Tinydancer · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
I disagree. If you start out with expectations early, and keep to your values, your child will not necessarily rebel. Mine didn't...

biggrin

Ohfour · Hooker

Tinydancer wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
I disagree. If you start out with expectations early, and keep to your values, your child will not necessarily rebel. Mine didn't...

Now that's not to say she isn't a total bitch at times... wink

But it's not rebellion...it's being a princess...

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Ohfour wrote:
I disagree. If you start out with expectations early, and keep to your values, your child will not necessarily rebel. Mine didn't...

The expectations that your child follow your standards?

Yes. You are right. You do set high standards and expectations.

I did. My parents did.

But what do you do when you find out that child didn't live up to your expectations?

We're they educated on how to keep themselves safe?

I am all for high expectations. I am also all for education so they stay safe.

Tinydancer · Guru

I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Ohfour wrote:
I disagree. If you start out with expectations early, and keep to your values, your child will not necessarily rebel. Mine didn't...

Not that you know of anyway. Teensagers do a lot of things they don't tell mom and dad about unless they have to. Treating them like criminals before the fact ensures they won't tell you much of anything.

Tinydancer · Guru

So the parents should just say "Oh well she already had sex, let's just go along with it then"? That just wouldn't have happened in my house.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Tinydancer wrote:
I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.

I had talks too. Lots of expectations.

The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.

Ohfour · Hooker

Mellow Momma wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
I disagree. If you start out with expectations early, and keep to your values, your child will not necessarily rebel. Mine didn't...

Not that you know of anyway. Teensagers do a lot of things they don't tell mom and dad about unless they have to. Treating them like criminals before the fact ensures they won't tell you much of anything.

I know my children, they didn't rebel. My kids tell me EVERYTHING. I have to tell them to stop sometimes. I don't need to know everything they do. Especially my son. He has no filter WHATSOEVER. Lord, some of the things he's told me have made me want to puke...

Tinydancer · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.
I had talks too. Lots of expectations.
The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.

So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Tinydancer wrote:
So the parents should just say "Oh well she already had sex, let's just go along with it then"? That just wouldn't have happened in my house.

No. Not a single person has said that.

Sure there are consequences.

But then what?.

They won't be 15-16 forever. They are going to grow up. They are going to become 18. At that point, what exactly are you going to do? Have you become the warden and they just want to get as far away from you as possible? Or have you become their most trusted advisor?

I chose to guide and teach and help traverse that really confusing time.

Did I give her a box of condoms and rent her a hotel room? Heck no.

But I did forgive, I did get her tested and on the pill, I did take away freedoms and she did have to regain my trust.

As a result, our relationship is stronger. She comes to me with everything. She realized that a single yes doesn't have to be a repeated yes.

I had high expectations, I was hurt when she let me down, let herself down. But at that point the bell had been rung. So we could have stayed in that moment, or grow together.

I am glad we chose the latter.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Tinydancer wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.
I had talks too. Lots of expectations.
The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.
So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?

No.

But I am living proof that where there is a will, there is a way.

And I didn't want my kids to live through what I lived through.

It isn't throwing your hands up. It realizing what you were doing, didn't work.

Tinydancer · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
So the parents should just say "Oh well she already had sex, let's just go along with it then"? That just wouldn't have happened in my house.
No. Not a single person has said that.
Sure there are consequences.
But then what?.
They won't be 15-16 forever. They are going to grow up. They are going to become 18. At that point, what exactly are you going to do? Have you become the warden and they just want to get as far away from you as possible? Or have you become their most trusted advisor?
I chose to guide and teach and help traverse that really confusing time.
Did I give her a box of condoms and rent her a hotel room? Heck no.
But I did forgive, I did get her tested and on the pill, I did take away freedoms and she did have to regain my trust.
As a result, our relationship is stronger. She comes to me with everything. She realized that a single yes doesn't have to be a repeated yes.
I had high expectations, I was hurt when she let me down, let herself down. But at that point the bell had been rung. So we could have stayed in that moment, or grow together.
I am glad we chose the latter.

Yes quite a few did say that once they have sex there's nothing you can do about it. That's what I don't agree with. There's plenty you can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. For those who believe there is nothing to be done, then nothing is done.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

So what do you do? Tell me.

How are you with them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

It isnt about "letting" them do anything.

Lindley · Guru

I waited till I was married and I dated a lot in High School. I think the best protection is a Big Texan for a dad. Those California guys were real respectful after meeting him. I think it was the texas drawl that made him sound tougher then he really was.

Tinydancer · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
So what do you do? Tell me.

How are you with them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

It isnt about "letting" them do anything.

No, it's about making it as difficult as possible for it to happen again.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Tinydancer wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
So the parents should just say "Oh well she already had sex, let's just go along with it then"? That just wouldn't have happened in my house.
No. Not a single person has said that.
Sure there are consequences.
But then what?.
They won't be 15-16 forever. They are going to grow up. They are going to become 18. At that point, what exactly are you going to do? Have you become the warden and they just want to get as far away from you as possible? Or have you become their most trusted advisor?
I chose to guide and teach and help traverse that really confusing time.
Did I give her a box of condoms and rent her a hotel room? Heck no.
But I did forgive, I did get her tested and on the pill, I did take away freedoms and she did have to regain my trust.
As a result, our relationship is stronger. She comes to me with everything. She realized that a single yes doesn't have to be a repeated yes.
I had high expectations, I was hurt when she let me down, let herself down. But at that point the bell had been rung. So we could have stayed in that moment, or grow together.
I am glad we chose the latter.
Yes quite a few did say that once they have sex there's nothing you can do about it. That's what I don't agree with. There's plenty you can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. For those who believe there is nothing to be done, then nothing is done.

We aren't saying there is nothing you can do about it. We are saying if the child wants to do it against your wishes, they will do it. That's why great communication is so important.

We are also saying that freaking out and going def con 10 on the child will only drive them away from you. It will trach them to lie to you about anything they may have done to upset you because you can't be trusted to react appropriately.

There should be comsequences for sure. But you have to be very careful in how you handle it or you will drive the child away from you at the time they need you the most.