TOTALLY GEEKED!

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

I was 18. I wasn't even in a relationship. I called a guy friend. Told him I didn't want to be virgin anymore and would he help me out.

About an hour later it was done.

It was more like a procedure than a sexual encounter.

Guess I've always been a bit twisted.

---

 I actually know several people whose first time was just as you described. 

Mellow Momma wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

I was 18. I wasn't even in a relationship. I called a guy friend. Told him I didn't want to be virgin anymore and would he help me out.

About an hour later it was done.

It was more like a procedure than a sexual encounter.

Guess I've always been a bit twisted.

---

 I actually know several people whose first time was just as you described. 

---

 Really? Good to know. 

Mellow Momma wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

So the parents should just say "Oh well she already had sex, let's just go along with it then"? That just wouldn't have happened in my house.

---

 No. Not a single person has said that.

Sure there are consequences. 

But then what?.

They won't be 15-16 forever. They are going to grow up. They are going to become 18. At that point, what exactly are you going to do? Have you become the warden and they just want to get as far away from you as possible? Or have you become their most trusted advisor? 

I chose to guide and teach and help traverse that really confusing time.

Did I give her a box of condoms and rent her a hotel room?  Heck no.

But I did forgive, I did get her tested and on the pill, I did take away freedoms and she did have to regain my trust.

As a result, our relationship is stronger. She comes to me with everything. She realized that a single yes doesn't have to be a repeated yes. 

I had high expectations, I was hurt when she let me down, let herself down. But at that point the bell had been rung. So we could have stayed in that moment, or grow together.

I am glad we chose the latter.

---

 Yes quite a few did say that once they have sex there's nothing you can do about it. That's what I don't agree with. There's plenty you can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. For those who believe there is nothing to be done, then nothing is done.

---

 We aren't saying there is nothing you can do about it. We are saying if the child wants to do it against your wishes, they will do it. That's why great communication is so important. 

We are also saying that freaking out and going def con 10 on the child will only drive them away from you. It will trach them to lie to you about anything they may have done to upset you because you can't be trusted to react appropriately. 

There should be comsequences for sure. But you have to be very careful in how you handle it or you will drive the child away from you at the time they need you the most. 

---

 If she knows I expect her not to have sex then she knows what the consequences are. I'm not sure why that seems so difficult. Could I stop her every time if she wanted to continue, probably not but I would make it as tough as hell. That's what a parent does. Their used to be societal pressure as well but now we live in an instant gratification society so that's no help at all.

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.

---

 I had talks too. Lots of expectations. 

The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.

---

 So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?

---

 It's the "bell has been rung" theory.  Once you've had sex, there is no stopping them.  They can't help themselves.  What's the point?  It's like the only thing worth protecting is virginity - after that, who cares? 

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

So what do you do? Tell me.

How are you with them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

It isnt about "letting" them do anything.

---

 No, it's about making it as difficult as possible for it to happen again.

---

 Yep.  And it's also about them realizing that if they don't respect the rules, there will be consequences.  You don't let teenagers rule the house so you can be their friend.

flan327 wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.

---

 I had talks too. Lots of expectations. 

The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.

---

 So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?

---

 It's the "bell has been rung" theory.  Once you've had sex, there is no stopping them.  They can't help themselves.  What's the point?  It's like the only thing worth protecting is virginity - after that, who cares? 

---

 No, BUT sex is a natural urge.

flan

---

 So what? 

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

So she knows. And she still does it.

My question is, does she have the education needed to not get pregnant or a disease?

Is she now lying about where she is? Are you helping make better choices or just clanking the jail door?

---

 I'm being her mom not her friend. I would either know where she was or she's be in trouble. That's just the way it was in my house.

---

 Great be her mom. That also means helping her make better choices. Not just dropping the hammer.

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

So she knows. And she still does it.

My question is, does she have the education needed to not get pregnant or a disease?

Is she now lying about where she is? Are you helping make better choices or just clanking the jail door?

---

 I'm being her mom not her friend. I would either know where she was or she's be in trouble. That's just the way it was in my house.

---

 Great be her mom. That also means helping her make better choices. Not just dropping the hammer.

 

---

 I would be helping her make the right decision by stopping now instead of continuing. Even if I never stop her at least I am trying. Not sure what giving up or in will get you other than a daughter who's still having sex.

flan327 wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

So she knows. And she still does it.

My question is, does she have the education needed to not get pregnant or a disease?

Is she now lying about where she is? Are you helping make better choices or just clanking the jail door?

---

 I'm being her mom not her friend. I would either know where she was or she's be in trouble. That's just the way it was in my house.

---

 Great be her mom. That also means helping her make better choices. Not just dropping the hammer.

 

---

 So ignoring her lying and breaking the rules so you can be all huggy feely is your answer? 

---

 Lily has explained her actions in detail.

flan

---

 Yes, I know.  She also said she was going to stop posting to this thread.  She also keeps telling us we're doing it wrong.  So, we get to comment.

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.

---

 I had talks too. Lots of expectations. 

The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.

---

 So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?

---

 It's the "bell has been rung" theory.  Once you've had sex, there is no stopping them.  They can't help themselves.  What's the point?  It's like the only thing worth protecting is virginity - after that, who cares? 

---

 That has not been said. 

What I have said is after the fact, then what?

Ok. You ground them. You take away everything but basic necessities. 

How long? What about when it is over? Have you gotten to a better place with your child? Are they going to follow your rules? And if they dont, what then?

Have you helped your child understand they still have the right to say no? Do they understand they have control and can make another choice. That they don't have to have sex again?

Hammer or parent? 

There is a difference. 

flan327 wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.

---

 I had talks too. Lots of expectations. 

The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.

---

 So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?

---

 It's the "bell has been rung" theory.  Once you've had sex, there is no stopping them.  They can't help themselves.  What's the point?  It's like the only thing worth protecting is virginity - after that, who cares? 

---

 No, BUT sex is a natural urge.

flan

---

 Unless she's a rutting animal with no self control this wouldn't be an issue. Personal responsibility was very important when she was growing up.

---

 I enjoy sex. Am I a "rutting animal?"

flan

---

 I didn't say you were a rutting animal so stop making this about you. Unless you can't control yourself about when and where you're having sex you just proved my point.

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.

---

 I had talks too. Lots of expectations. 

The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.

---

 So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?

---

 It's the "bell has been rung" theory.  Once you've had sex, there is no stopping them.  They can't help themselves.  What's the point?  It's like the only thing worth protecting is virginity - after that, who cares? 

---

 That has not been said. 

What I have said is after the fact, then what?

Ok. You ground them. You take away everything but basic necessities. 

How long? What about when it is over? Have you gotten to a better place with your child? Are they going to follow your rules? And if they dont, what then?

Have you helped your child understand they still have the right to say no? Do they understand they have control and can make another choice. That they don't have to have sex again?

Hammer or parent? 

There is a difference. 

---

 I see it as parent or not parent. I never said it would be easy or fun. So if your daughter took up drugs would you feel the same?

flan327 wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.

---

 I had talks too. Lots of expectations. 

The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.

---

 So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?

---

 It's the "bell has been rung" theory.  Once you've had sex, there is no stopping them.  They can't help themselves.  What's the point?  It's like the only thing worth protecting is virginity - after that, who cares? 

---

 No, BUT sex is a natural urge.

flan

---

 Unless she's a rutting animal with no self control this wouldn't be an issue. Personal responsibility was very important when she was growing up.

---

 I enjoy sex. Am I a "rutting animal?"

flan

---

 I didn't say you were a rutting animal so stop making this about you. Unless you can't control yourself about when and where you're having sex you just proved my point.

---

 Is there a new rule I don't know about?

flan

---

 What rule are you referring to? The part about making it all about yourself? This post doesn't even make sense.

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.

---

 I had talks too. Lots of expectations. 

The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.

---

 So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?

---

 It's the "bell has been rung" theory.  Once you've had sex, there is no stopping them.  They can't help themselves.  What's the point?  It's like the only thing worth protecting is virginity - after that, who cares? 

---

 That has not been said. 

What I have said is after the fact, then what?

Ok. You ground them. You take away everything but basic necessities. 

How long? What about when it is over? Have you gotten to a better place with your child? Are they going to follow your rules? And if they dont, what then?

Have you helped your child understand they still have the right to say no? Do they understand they have control and can make another choice. That they don't have to have sex again?

Hammer or parent? 

There is a difference. 

---

 I see it as parent or not parent. I never said it would be easy or fun. So if your daughter took up drugs would you feel the same?

---

 Would I punish her? Yes. 

Would I punish her with out educating her and giving her the tools to help her make better decisions?  No.

I want her healthy and alive.

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.

---

 I had talks too. Lots of expectations. 

The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.

---

 So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?

---

 It's the "bell has been rung" theory.  Once you've had sex, there is no stopping them.  They can't help themselves.  What's the point?  It's like the only thing worth protecting is virginity - after that, who cares? 

---

 That has not been said. 

What I have said is after the fact, then what?

Ok. You ground them. You take away everything but basic necessities. 

How long? What about when it is over? Have you gotten to a better place with your child? Are they going to follow your rules? And if they dont, what then?

Have you helped your child understand they still have the right to say no? Do they understand they have control and can make another choice. That they don't have to have sex again?

Hammer or parent? 

There is a difference. 

---

 This is where the problem is - it is NOT either/or.  Just because I'm making my child face consequences for her actions does not mean I'm not talking to her about it.  That's where you seem to struggle.  Sometimes being the parent means doing BOTH.

flan327 wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

flan327 wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.

---

 I had talks too. Lots of expectations. 

The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.

---

 So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?

---

 It's the "bell has been rung" theory.  Once you've had sex, there is no stopping them.  They can't help themselves.  What's the point?  It's like the only thing worth protecting is virginity - after that, who cares? 

---

 No, BUT sex is a natural urge.

flan

---

 Unless she's a rutting animal with no self control this wouldn't be an issue. Personal responsibility was very important when she was growing up.

---

 I enjoy sex. Am I a "rutting animal?"

flan

---

 I didn't say you were a rutting animal so stop making this about you. Unless you can't control yourself about when and where you're having sex you just proved my point.

---

 Is there a new rule I don't know about?

flan

---

 What rule are you referring to? The part about making it all about yourself? This post doesn't even make sense.

---

 I was quoting you:

 I realize she has but I disagree. I believe that's still allowed unless there's a new rule I don't know about.

flan

---

 Ahh...So you're back to poking at me when I've been so good.

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.

---

 I had talks too. Lots of expectations. 

The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.

---

 So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?

---

 It's the "bell has been rung" theory.  Once you've had sex, there is no stopping them.  They can't help themselves.  What's the point?  It's like the only thing worth protecting is virginity - after that, who cares? 

---

 That has not been said. 

What I have said is after the fact, then what?

Ok. You ground them. You take away everything but basic necessities. 

How long? What about when it is over? Have you gotten to a better place with your child? Are they going to follow your rules? And if they dont, what then?

Have you helped your child understand they still have the right to say no? Do they understand they have control and can make another choice. That they don't have to have sex again?

Hammer or parent? 

There is a difference. 

---

 I see it as parent or not parent. I never said it would be easy or fun. So if your daughter took up drugs would you feel the same?

---

 Would I punish her? Yes. 

Would I punish her with out educating her and giving her the tools to help her make better decisions?  No.

 

I want her healthy and alive.

 

---

 NOBODY has said not to talk to her about sex.  NO ONE.

---

 And NOBODY has said not to punish her. NO ONE.

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Lawyerlady wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

Tinydancer wrote:

---

I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.

---

 I had talks too. Lots of expectations. 

The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.

---

 So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?

---

 It's the "bell has been rung" theory.  Once you've had sex, there is no stopping them.  They can't help themselves.  What's the point?  It's like the only thing worth protecting is virginity - after that, who cares? 

---

 That has not been said. 

What I have said is after the fact, then what?

Ok. You ground them. You take away everything but basic necessities. 

How long? What about when it is over? Have you gotten to a better place with your child? Are they going to follow your rules? And if they dont, what then?

Have you helped your child understand they still have the right to say no? Do they understand they have control and can make another choice. That they don't have to have sex again?

Hammer or parent? 

There is a difference. 

---

 This is where the problem is - it is NOT either/or.  Just because I'm making my child face consequences for her actions does not mean I'm not talking to her about it.  That's where you seem to struggle.  Sometimes being the parent means doing BOTH.

---

 No. I didnt struggle with it. You see, I already lived through it. I know exactly how I handled it. 

No "if, ands or buts" about it.

 

---

 Then why have you been disagreeing with LL and I through the whole thread if that's exactly what you did? That doesn't make sense.

---

 I havent. 

I've been trying to understand where on earth the "hands up and giving up" came from.

No but they keep saying there's nothing you can do. I never said you shouldn't talk to them about it either.

No I havent. Is that really what you got from helping them make better choices in the future? 

Sorry. But that's ridiculous. 

lilyofcourse wrote:

---

No but they keep saying there's nothing you can do. I never said you shouldn't talk to them about it either.

 

No I havent. Is that really what you got from helping them make better choices in the future? 

Sorry. But that's ridiculous. 

---

 I didn't say you said it any more than I said don't talk to them. It sure seemed like you were disagreeing but if not then we agree.