TOTALLY GEEKED!

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

RE: Dear Prudie - my fifteen year old is having sex

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

flan327 wrote:
I understood what Lily was saying & I complimented her on the way she handled her daughter.

flan

I think there may actually be ice in Hell.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

lilyofcourse wrote:
flan327 wrote:
I understood what Lily was saying & I complimented her on the way she handled her daughter.

flan
I think there may actually be ice in Hell.

Maybe a heavy frost... evileye

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lexxy wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lexxy wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
I was 18. I wasn't even in a relationship. I called a guy friend. Told him I didn't want to be virgin anymore and would he help me out.

About an hour later it was done.

It was more like a procedure than a sexual encounter.

Guess I've always been a bit twisted.
I was 15 and one of those passed out drunk girls at a party. I really don't remember much about it. About a year later when I was ready to try it again I asked a close trusted male friend. He was happy to oblige & did so plenty that summer.
See. It was just that once with the guy for me. Until many years later.
Never was aNY kind of relationship between he and I.
We didn't have a relationship. I guess what kids these days call friends with benefits. We had been friends since childhood. His dad was a real hardass so he spent a lot of time at my house long before that summer. We just added sex to the usual activities.

Still more than what I had with this guy.

He was in the drum line. His sister was in guard with me. The only real interaction we had was on a ball field or in a bandroom.

I think we had talked a handful of times.

He was hot. I choose him.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Allow me to pose a question.

Let's say your daughter, 15, comes to you and says "mom, there is guy, I really love him. I think I might want to have sex with him."

Now she hasn't been on a date. Only group activities.

How would you deal with that?

Tinydancer · Guru

I'd tell her she was too young to be having sex and if they really loved each other they'd want to do what's best for them and wait until they're married. Then I'd make sure to do everything in my power to make sure she didn't. What would you do?

Tinydancer · Guru

I've seen parents who allow their daughters to have their boyfriends in the bedroom with the door closed then say "If they want to have sex theirs nothing I can do about" but I guess making it easy for them is what you do now (general you).

-- Edited by Tinydancer on Tuesday 2nd of June 2015 03:54:54 PM

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

So she comes to you for guidance and gets a lecture and lock down.

So what exactly did you teach her?

What would I do. Listen. Let her talk as long and as rambling as she needed to. Then ask her why she feels that way. Can she explain it. Explain why her body isn't physically ready for the consequences of sex. Explain the ramifications of sex that young on the mind.

Explain the risks, possibilities, and dangers.

Listen some more.

Explain my expectations. Outline the value of trust, both hers for me and mine for her.

But I wouldn't make her feel like I was punishing her for seeking my guidance.

Because when she comes to you like that, or after the fact, she is looking for just that. Guidance. She knows she is in over her head. She wants help.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Tinydancer wrote:
I've seen parents who allow their daughters to have their boyfriends in the bedroom with the door closed then say "If they want to have sex theirs nothing I can do about" but I guess making it easy for them is what you do now (general you).

-- Edited by Tinydancer on Tuesday 2nd of June 2015 03:54:54 PM

There is a huge difference between permissive parenting and realistic parenting.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

No one other than family is allowed passed our hall bathroom. That's where the bedrooms are. Yes. I am that strict.

Caitlyn can not have guys in her room.

Jesse and Aaron can not have girls in their rooms.

They are not even allowed down the hallway.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

lilyofcourse wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.
I had talks too. Lots of expectations.
The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.
So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?
It's the "bell has been rung" theory. Once you've had sex, there is no stopping them. They can't help themselves. What's the point? It's like the only thing worth protecting is virginity - after that, who cares?
That has not been said.
What I have said is after the fact, then what?
Ok. You ground them. You take away everything but basic necessities.
How long? What about when it is over? Have you gotten to a better place with your child? Are they going to follow your rules? And if they dont, what then?
Have you helped your child understand they still have the right to say no? Do they understand they have control and can make another choice. That they don't have to have sex again?
Hammer or parent?
There is a difference.
This is where the problem is - it is NOT either/or. Just because I'm making my child face consequences for her actions does not mean I'm not talking to her about it. That's where you seem to struggle. Sometimes being the parent means doing BOTH.
No. I didnt struggle with it. You see, I already lived through it. I know exactly how I handled it.
No "if, ands or buts" about it.

Then why have you been disagreeing with LL and I through the whole thread if that's exactly what you did? That doesn't make sense.
I havent.
I've been trying to understand where on earth the "hands up and giving up" came from.

Did you read the OP? The one where Prudie said there's nothing she can do but accept it?

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lawyerlady wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
I had many talks with my daughter about birth control but she also new how I felt about sex before marriage so both lessons SHOULD be taught at once. If I had found out she was having sex at 15 you can bet she would have had a much harder time ever getting it again after that.
I had talks too. Lots of expectations.
The thing about raising kids, they don't always fall lockstep in line.
So then you just threw your hands up and let them continue?
It's the "bell has been rung" theory. Once you've had sex, there is no stopping them. They can't help themselves. What's the point? It's like the only thing worth protecting is virginity - after that, who cares?
That has not been said.
What I have said is after the fact, then what?
Ok. You ground them. You take away everything but basic necessities.
How long? What about when it is over? Have you gotten to a better place with your child? Are they going to follow your rules? And if they dont, what then?
Have you helped your child understand they still have the right to say no? Do they understand they have control and can make another choice. That they don't have to have sex again?
Hammer or parent?
There is a difference.
This is where the problem is - it is NOT either/or. Just because I'm making my child face consequences for her actions does not mean I'm not talking to her about it. That's where you seem to struggle. Sometimes being the parent means doing BOTH.
No. I didnt struggle with it. You see, I already lived through it. I know exactly how I handled it.
No "if, ands or buts" about it.

Then why have you been disagreeing with LL and I through the whole thread if that's exactly what you did? That doesn't make sense.
I havent.
I've been trying to understand where on earth the "hands up and giving up" came from.

Did you read the OP? The one where Prudie said there's nothing she can do but accept it?

Oh that. Well. After the fact, you either accept it and move forward or you deny it and put up walls.

Now accepting that it has happened does not mean saying oh well.

To me it means accepting that it can't be undone at that point.

Future sex can be avoided.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

lilyofcourse wrote:

Oh that. Well. After the fact, you either accept it and move forward or you deny it and put up walls.

Now accepting that it has happened does not mean saying oh well.
To me it means accepting that it can't be undone at that point.
Future sex can be avoided.

Exactly. My whole point.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

Oh that. Well. After the fact, you either accept it and move forward or you deny it and put up walls.

Now accepting that it has happened does not mean saying oh well.
To me it means accepting that it can't be undone at that point.
Future sex can be avoided.
Exactly. My whole point.

Sure, if you lock your child in the basement and never let them leave the house--ever. Oh, plus watch them 24/7 so they don't sneak out and watch so they don't just flat out run away.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

Oh that. Well. After the fact, you either accept it and move forward or you deny it and put up walls.

Now accepting that it has happened does not mean saying oh well.
To me it means accepting that it can't be undone at that point.
Future sex can be avoided.
Exactly. My whole point.
Sure, if you lock your child in the basement and never let them leave the house--ever. Oh, plus watch them 24/7 so they don't sneak out and watch so they don't just flat out run away.

If that's what it takes - so be it. I'm not going to have my 15 year old running around doing whatever the hell she wants after she has done something against everything I have taught her. Prove you can't be trusted and you won't be.

huskerbb · Guru

So you are going to home school. You are going to quit your job to stay home all the time. You are never going to go out with your husband. Got it.

huskerbb · Guru

When you decide to rejoin us back here in reality, let me know.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

All of this depends sooo much on the child involved. And kids change so readily it is impossible to know how a docile and fun 11YO will behave four years down the road.
Maybe your girl will go through high school and not look at a boy twice.
Maybe she will fall in love and engage in sex much the way I did at that age--Within a steady and loving relationship, with someone she trusts completely and stays with for three years.
Maybe she will snap from all the rules and restrictions and sleep with the entire football team.

All of these things are possible, and whatever she decides to do, your rules and restrictions will probably not be the deciding factor.
Well, unless she chooses the third option.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Maybe instead of saying "that's not the way" to a parent of young kids, those who have lived through it can offer some sage advice.

My advice to someone with adolescent children, male or female, would to establish an open, non-judgmental, line of communication. Realize that those sweet little angels have very real thoughts, feelings, and questions and they need someone to come along side of them and help them navigate those crazy years.

To understand, that while you are doing everything in your power to protect them, they are living in the real world. They wonder about sex. They think about it. They talk about it. They probably know a whole lot more than you think even if they haven't participated in it.

Don't be so quick to hand down punishment that you miss the begging for help.

Tinydancer · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
So she comes to you for guidance and gets a lecture and lock down.

So what exactly did you teach her?

What would I do. Listen. Let her talk as long and as rambling as she needed to. Then ask her why she feels that way. Can she explain it. Explain why her body isn't physically ready for the consequences of sex. Explain the ramifications of sex that young on the mind.

Explain the risks, possibilities, and dangers.

Listen some more.

Explain my expectations. Outline the value of trust, both hers for me and mine for her.

But I wouldn't make her feel like I was punishing her for seeking my guidance.

Because when she comes to you like that, or after the fact, she is looking for just that. Guidance. She knows she is in over her head. She wants help.

I'm not sure where you got all that. I've told her since the day she was born that I love her and that no matter what she does I will love her. I will love her enough to tell her when she's doing wrong. That doesn't mean she'll listen but I'll tell her any way. Then she'll tell me I'm bossy and try to do what she wants but she'll know I don't approve yet I love her any way. Still doesn't mean I'll make it easy for her. It's funny how we can agree yet we really don't. My job is to teach her. What she does with it is beyond my control.

Tinydancer · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

Oh that. Well. After the fact, you either accept it and move forward or you deny it and put up walls.

Now accepting that it has happened does not mean saying oh well.
To me it means accepting that it can't be undone at that point.
Future sex can be avoided.
Exactly. My whole point.
Sure, if you lock your child in the basement and never let them leave the house--ever. Oh, plus watch them 24/7 so they don't sneak out and watch so they don't just flat out run away.

How about just making it more difficult for them? No I will never be able to stop them if they are determined but I guess you advise just doing nothing?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I don't get why people think LL is going to lock up her kids without them even doing anything wrong. I haven't gotten that from any of her posts. She has repeatedly said that she will give them trust and if they break it they have to earn it back. I really don't see what's so unrealistic about that.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I don't get why people think LL is going to lock up her kids without them even doing anything wrong. I haven't gotten that from any of her posts. She has repeatedly said that she will give them trust and if they break it they have to earn it back. I really don't see what's so unrealistic about that.

Because her 'trust' involves verifying every single thing her kids say, knowing where they are every second of every day, etc etc.

If you are constantly verifying what a person tells you--That is not trust at all.

It is a skewed sort of trust. And a heartily depressing one.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I don't get why people think LL is going to lock up her kids without them even doing anything wrong. I haven't gotten that from any of her posts. She has repeatedly said that she will give them trust and if they break it they have to earn it back. I really don't see what's so unrealistic about that.
Because her 'trust' involves verifying every single thing her kids say, knowing where they are every second of every day, etc etc.
If you are constantly verifying what a person tells you--That is not trust at all.
It is a skewed sort of trust. And a heartily depressing one.

Yes, she does that now because her daughter is 11! No 11 year old should be out and about without parental supervision. What is so wrong about that? The world is a very twisted place if we now think 11 year olds should be able to run their life. She isn't even a teenager. She's a CHILD. I'm sure when she gets older LL will give her the trust that she has earned. Why is this such a hard concept? My SS is ten and a half. I don't trust him. He lies constantly. He would lie about the truth. No reason to trust him. It starts young and you work up.

WYSIWYG · Guru

I wish this thread didn't move so fast. I don't really have time to read, digest, and comment on it like I would like to in my limited time in the evenings.

I will say I was thinking about the whole "rarity" aspect of kids having sex in school that was brought up earlier, and I thought it would be pertinent to point out, if no one already has, that it doesn't matter how rare it is, if that rare exception turns out to be your kid, it will be enough of an exception to matter to you.

Hopefully that won't be the case for anyone here.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I don't get why people think LL is going to lock up her kids without them even doing anything wrong. I haven't gotten that from any of her posts. She has repeatedly said that she will give them trust and if they break it they have to earn it back. I really don't see what's so unrealistic about that.
Because her 'trust' involves verifying every single thing her kids say, knowing where they are every second of every day, etc etc.
If you are constantly verifying what a person tells you--That is not trust at all.
It is a skewed sort of trust. And a heartily depressing one.
Yes, she does that now because her daughter is 11! No 11 year old should be out and about without parental supervision. What is so wrong about that? The world is a very twisted place if we now think 11 year olds should be able to run their life. She isn't even a teenager. She's a CHILD. I'm sure when she gets older LL will give her the trust that she has earned. Why is this such a hard concept? My SS is ten and a half. I don't trust him. He lies constantly. He would lie about the truth. No reason to trust him. It starts young and you work up.

Yes. And to me - fifteen is still a child. Why would a fifteen year old be going out alone with a boy? Would a fifteen year old be allowed to just say "Mom, I'm spending the night at Jennifer's" and you don't check wit Jennifer's mom? Do you just let your fifteen year old be gone for hours a day and not know where they are? I will never parent that way.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I don't get why people think LL is going to lock up her kids without them even doing anything wrong. I haven't gotten that from any of her posts. She has repeatedly said that she will give them trust and if they break it they have to earn it back. I really don't see what's so unrealistic about that.
Because her 'trust' involves verifying every single thing her kids say, knowing where they are every second of every day, etc etc.
If you are constantly verifying what a person tells you--That is not trust at all.
It is a skewed sort of trust. And a heartily depressing one.
Yes, she does that now because her daughter is 11! No 11 year old should be out and about without parental supervision. What is so wrong about that? The world is a very twisted place if we now think 11 year olds should be able to run their life. She isn't even a teenager. She's a CHILD. I'm sure when she gets older LL will give her the trust that she has earned. Why is this such a hard concept? My SS is ten and a half. I don't trust him. He lies constantly. He would lie about the truth. No reason to trust him. It starts young and you work up.
Yes. And to me - fifteen is still a child. Why would a fifteen year old be going out alone with a boy? Would a fifteen year old be allowed to just say "Mom, I'm spending the night at Jennifer's" and you don't check wit Jennifer's mom? Do you just let your fifteen year old be gone for hours a day and not know where they are? I will never parent that way.

Well, we aren't. Not sure why you are accusing the rest of us as doing that? We don't. Why is it so difficult to understand that raising a child isn't an All or NOthing thing? It isn't "either you have a Nanny cam attached to your kid 24/7 OR you are a parent who hands your child booze and marijuana and hotel keys". There is the Inbetween where you raise your child giving them Age Appropriate freedoms and unsupervised time. Thinking you KNOW exactly what your teen is doing 24/7 and actually knowing it are 2 different things.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I don't get why people think LL is going to lock up her kids without them even doing anything wrong. I haven't gotten that from any of her posts. She has repeatedly said that she will give them trust and if they break it they have to earn it back. I really don't see what's so unrealistic about that.
Because her 'trust' involves verifying every single thing her kids say, knowing where they are every second of every day, etc etc.
If you are constantly verifying what a person tells you--That is not trust at all.
It is a skewed sort of trust. And a heartily depressing one.
Yes, she does that now because her daughter is 11! No 11 year old should be out and about without parental supervision. What is so wrong about that? The world is a very twisted place if we now think 11 year olds should be able to run their life. She isn't even a teenager. She's a CHILD. I'm sure when she gets older LL will give her the trust that she has earned. Why is this such a hard concept? My SS is ten and a half. I don't trust him. He lies constantly. He would lie about the truth. No reason to trust him. It starts young and you work up.
Yes. And to me - fifteen is still a child. Why would a fifteen year old be going out alone with a boy? Would a fifteen year old be allowed to just say "Mom, I'm spending the night at Jennifer's" and you don't check wit Jennifer's mom? Do you just let your fifteen year old be gone for hours a day and not know where they are? I will never parent that way.
Well, we aren't. Not sure why you are accusing the rest of us as doing that? We don't. Why is it so difficult to understand that raising a child isn't an All or NOthing thing? It isn't "either you have a Nanny cam attached to your kid 24/7 OR you are a parent who hands your child booze and marijuana and hotel keys". There is the Inbetween where you raise your child giving them Age Appropriate freedoms and unsupervised time. Thinking you KNOW exactly what your teen is doing 24/7 and actually knowing it are 2 different things.

The whole point is that the lockdown would occur after they have already proven an untrustworthy little liar. If your kid does something they are not supposed to do - you just keep on giving them the same freedoms because "what are you going to do?" That's assinine. There are consequences for bad behavior - that's one of the ways you teach them. Not just "Oh, you are having sex, here's some birth control and condoms, make sure not to get pregnant. Let me know if you have any questions."

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

And, I agree with you. I don't agree with Prudie to just fluff it off. I think you know my feeling on coed sleepovers and such. I certainly would not make it easy for them to be alone in that regard.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I don't get why people think LL is going to lock up her kids without them even doing anything wrong. I haven't gotten that from any of her posts. She has repeatedly said that she will give them trust and if they break it they have to earn it back. I really don't see what's so unrealistic about that.
Because her 'trust' involves verifying every single thing her kids say, knowing where they are every second of every day, etc etc.
If you are constantly verifying what a person tells you--That is not trust at all.
It is a skewed sort of trust. And a heartily depressing one.
Yes, she does that now because her daughter is 11! No 11 year old should be out and about without parental supervision. What is so wrong about that? The world is a very twisted place if we now think 11 year olds should be able to run their life. She isn't even a teenager. She's a CHILD. I'm sure when she gets older LL will give her the trust that she has earned. Why is this such a hard concept? My SS is ten and a half. I don't trust him. He lies constantly. He would lie about the truth. No reason to trust him. It starts young and you work up.
Yes. And to me - fifteen is still a child. Why would a fifteen year old be going out alone with a boy? Would a fifteen year old be allowed to just say "Mom, I'm spending the night at Jennifer's" and you don't check wit Jennifer's mom? Do you just let your fifteen year old be gone for hours a day and not know where they are? I will never parent that way.

It's not about "not knowing where they are". They lie--often. If you think your kids won't, you are delusional (a recurring theme).

It's not about parents being too "permissive", either. I was raised in a VERY strict household regarding this subject. Were our parents too trusting--probably so--but that doesn't mean they were permissive, or "allowed" us to have sex.

Teens are going to experiment with sex. With alcohol. Many with drugs. They will drive recklessly.

Do you think their parents are encouraging those things? With few exceptions, they are not.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Yesterday my ten year old SS asked what AIDS was. I talked openly to him about it and then we had a conversation about condoms.