TOTALLY GEEKED!

NAOW · Vette's SS

RE: How it feels when the man you love says you’re TOO FAT for him to desire you... woman reveals weight loss battle

Tinydancer · Guru

flan327 wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
I guess I don't get why she is so focused on what he thinks of her.
If I were her, I'd be focused on my own health. And obesity is a health issue.
I'd be wanting to get healthy for my own sake.
This, too! She's got 4 kids, doesn't she want to see them all grow up, get married, and have grandkids? Obese people do not live as long - that is a medical fact.
My DH and I actually talked about this a lot b/c his mother is obese and he worries about her a lot. He wanted to marry someone he could grow old with, not worry they keel over with a heart attack at 60.
And he could have said, "Hon, I love you and I want you to be around for a long time."
I got the impression it was more like, "You're too fat to fvck."
flan
Same here. He wouldn't hug her or hold her hand? That is why I am getting g a jerk vibe from him.
So she should divorce him because she let herself get so fat that he can't stand to touch her? That makes sense I guess if marriage means nothing.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
I'm going to follow you around and agree with you NAOW...
flan

Follow her around and agree all you want it still wasn't me in the article. If you two need to keep making this personal just make sure all those who say I "should stop picking on flan" need to come read this post right here.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Love that is not tied to the physical is shallow? Really?

chillepeppa · Regular

Lawyerlady wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
And really, WHEN would be the best time for a man to tell his wife he no longer finds her attractive? After the birth of one of their children? While she is in the thros of depression and trying to recover?

Or how about when she notices it is a problem and brings it up? Which is what he DID.
Whenever. I cannot tell them. Again, 2 way street. When is it ever a good time to discuss the cr@ppy stuff about relationship with your partner. You make the time. If it is important enough to affect something like your sex life which use to be a huge part of your life, you kinda figure it out. Just being married is not enough. You need to BE there. Work it. Make it work. Fix it if it's broken. Support. Fight for it. Like I said, maybe I see my partnership different to theirs, but this kind of thing will not go undiscussed. In fact, it is part of our day to day dialogue. Very little is off limits between Jus and I. Not always easy or comfortable, but no surprises like this later.
But HE was not the one overly bothered by their lack of sex life. When she brought it up, did he refuse to discuss it? Did he deny it? Did he blow it off? No, he discussed it with her.

I would say the fact that she's the primary initiator would indicate otherwise. His response to the skinny her as well.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Lawyerlady wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
I guess I don't get why she is so focused on what he thinks of her.
If I were her, I'd be focused on my own health. And obesity is a health issue.
I'd be wanting to get healthy for my own sake.
This, too! She's got 4 kids, doesn't she want to see them all grow up, get married, and have grandkids? Obese people do not live as long - that is a medical fact.
My DH and I actually talked about this a lot b/c his mother is obese and he worries about her a lot. He wanted to marry someone he could grow old with, not worry they keel over with a heart attack at 60.
And he could have said, "Hon, I love you and I want you to be around for a long time."
I got the impression it was more like, "You're too fat to fvck."
flan
Same here. He wouldn't hug her or hold her hand? That is why I am getting g a jerk vibe from him.
So she should divorce him because she let herself get so fat that he can't stand to touch her? That makes sense I guess if marriage means nothing.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.

According to the OP - that's exactly what he did. He didn't do or say ANYTHING to his wife about her weight until she asked him point blank.

My husband stood by me throughout. He didn’t say a word about my ever-increasing waistline. Though, I doubt I’d have noticed if he had mentioned anything.
I was up to my eyes in nappies, so sex or intimacy was the last thing on my mind. When I went to bed, all I wanted to do was sleep. After confronting him last Saturday, I asked Mike how he’d felt during those years.
He said: ‘I wanted to say something about your weight, but I didn’t want to hurt you. I could see you were so busy with the children and I didn’t want to give you anything else to worry about.

‘Anyhow, there was hardly a moment when we didn’t have a baby or child in our bed, so I just tried to bury those feelings and get on with life. Sex just didn’t seem that important. I loved you and our babies and I am not the sort of man to embark on an affair. Of course, I missed it, but I thought if I were patient things would improve eventually.’

Words and actions are two different things. So he doesn't say anything, but stops instigating any type of physical affection. Wow. How supportive. :/

And no. I don't hate him. Or blame him. She should lose weight, but he needs some work too.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Lawyerlady wrote:
Love that is not tied to the physical is shallow? Really?

Withholding affection because of her weight is shallow.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
And really, WHEN would be the best time for a man to tell his wife he no longer finds her attractive? After the birth of one of their children? While she is in the thros of depression and trying to recover?

Or how about when she notices it is a problem and brings it up? Which is what he DID.
Whenever. I cannot tell them. Again, 2 way street. When is it ever a good time to discuss the cr@ppy stuff about relationship with your partner. You make the time. If it is important enough to affect something like your sex life which use to be a huge part of your life, you kinda figure it out. Just being married is not enough. You need to BE there. Work it. Make it work. Fix it if it's broken. Support. Fight for it. Like I said, maybe I see my partnership different to theirs, but this kind of thing will not go undiscussed. In fact, it is part of our day to day dialogue. Very little is off limits between Jus and I. Not always easy or comfortable, but no surprises like this later.
But HE was not the one overly bothered by their lack of sex life. When she brought it up, did he refuse to discuss it? Did he deny it? Did he blow it off? No, he discussed it with her.
I would say the fact that she's the primary initiator would indicate otherwise. His response to the skinny her as well.

Huh? I'm sorry, but this doesn't make sense. That only evidences that he was not finding her attractive, not that the lack of sex overly bothered him. In FACT, the article says that he was waiting for her to get better and was being being patient about it. The lack of sex bothered HER, which is why she brought it up.

It is obvious that when people say he had the right to not be attracted to her anymore, they do not really mean it. Because even though he did NOTHING wrong - people are looking for ways to blame this on him.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Tinydancer wrote:
flan327 wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
I guess I don't get why she is so focused on what he thinks of her.
If I were her, I'd be focused on my own health. And obesity is a health issue.
I'd be wanting to get healthy for my own sake.
This, too! She's got 4 kids, doesn't she want to see them all grow up, get married, and have grandkids? Obese people do not live as long - that is a medical fact.
My DH and I actually talked about this a lot b/c his mother is obese and he worries about her a lot. He wanted to marry someone he could grow old with, not worry they keel over with a heart attack at 60.
And he could have said, "Hon, I love you and I want you to be around for a long time."
I got the impression it was more like, "You're too fat to fvck."
flan
Same here. He wouldn't hug her or hold her hand? That is why I am getting g a jerk vibe from him.
So she should divorce him because she let herself get so fat that he can't stand to touch her? That makes sense I guess if marriage means nothing.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
I'm going to follow you around and agree with you NAOW...
flan
Follow her around and agree all you want it still wasn't me in the article. If you two need to keep making this personal just make sure all those who say I "should stop picking on flan" need to come read this post right here.

I don't understand how I am making this personal? I just responded to your post.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

NAOW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Love that is not tied to the physical is shallow? Really?
Withholding affection because of her weight is shallow.

There is a difference between "withholding" and "rejecting". He didn't pull away when she held his hand or hugged him. But do you really expect someone who is not attracted to someone else to actually think about being physical?

This is evidence that it is really just not ok with you that he doesn't find his wife attractive anymore and that he should have to regardless of how much her appearance changes.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Lawyerlady wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
And really, WHEN would be the best time for a man to tell his wife he no longer finds her attractive? After the birth of one of their children? While she is in the thros of depression and trying to recover?

Or how about when she notices it is a problem and brings it up? Which is what he DID.
Whenever. I cannot tell them. Again, 2 way street. When is it ever a good time to discuss the cr@ppy stuff about relationship with your partner. You make the time. If it is important enough to affect something like your sex life which use to be a huge part of your life, you kinda figure it out. Just being married is not enough. You need to BE there. Work it. Make it work. Fix it if it's broken. Support. Fight for it. Like I said, maybe I see my partnership different to theirs, but this kind of thing will not go undiscussed. In fact, it is part of our day to day dialogue. Very little is off limits between Jus and I. Not always easy or comfortable, but no surprises like this later.
But HE was not the one overly bothered by their lack of sex life. When she brought it up, did he refuse to discuss it? Did he deny it? Did he blow it off? No, he discussed it with her.
I would say the fact that she's the primary initiator would indicate otherwise. His response to the skinny her as well.
Huh? I'm sorry, but this doesn't make sense. That only evidences that he was not finding her attractive, not that the lack of sex overly bothered him. In FACT, the article says that he was waiting for her to get better and was being being patient about it. The lack of sex bothered HER, which is why she brought it up.
It is obvious that when people say he had the right to not be attracted to her anymore, they do not really mean it. Because even though he did NOTHING wrong - people are looking for ways to blame this on him.

I completely understand not being attracted to her now that she got so fat, but, look at it this way, if she was horribly disfigured in an accident, would it be OK for him to not hug her, reach out and touch her, or hold her hand because he now finds her ugly?

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

And quite frankly, I'd say that his love for his wife was the exact opposite of shallow. He loved her in spite of her complete change of appearance and their lack of sex life.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

NAOW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
And really, WHEN would be the best time for a man to tell his wife he no longer finds her attractive? After the birth of one of their children? While she is in the thros of depression and trying to recover?

Or how about when she notices it is a problem and brings it up? Which is what he DID.
Whenever. I cannot tell them. Again, 2 way street. When is it ever a good time to discuss the cr@ppy stuff about relationship with your partner. You make the time. If it is important enough to affect something like your sex life which use to be a huge part of your life, you kinda figure it out. Just being married is not enough. You need to BE there. Work it. Make it work. Fix it if it's broken. Support. Fight for it. Like I said, maybe I see my partnership different to theirs, but this kind of thing will not go undiscussed. In fact, it is part of our day to day dialogue. Very little is off limits between Jus and I. Not always easy or comfortable, but no surprises like this later.
But HE was not the one overly bothered by their lack of sex life. When she brought it up, did he refuse to discuss it? Did he deny it? Did he blow it off? No, he discussed it with her.
I would say the fact that she's the primary initiator would indicate otherwise. His response to the skinny her as well.
Huh? I'm sorry, but this doesn't make sense. That only evidences that he was not finding her attractive, not that the lack of sex overly bothered him. In FACT, the article says that he was waiting for her to get better and was being being patient about it. The lack of sex bothered HER, which is why she brought it up.
It is obvious that when people say he had the right to not be attracted to her anymore, they do not really mean it. Because even though he did NOTHING wrong - people are looking for ways to blame this on him.
I completely understand not being attracted to her now that she got so fat, but, look at it this way, if she was horribly disfigured in an accident, would it be OK for him to not hug her, reach out and touch her, or hold her hand because he now finds her ugly?

Here's the problem - he is NOT pulling away from hugs and holding her hand. You seem to think he has to be the one to initiate it to make it matter. You do know there are a LOT of people who are not that physical and never initiate that kind of contact? That don't even think about it?

Tinydancer · Guru

Spoiler
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
flan327 wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
I guess I don't get why she is so focused on what he thinks of her.
If I were her, I'd be focused on my own health. And obesity is a health issue.
I'd be wanting to get healthy for my own sake.
This, too! She's got 4 kids, doesn't she want to see them all grow up, get married, and have grandkids? Obese people do not live as long - that is a medical fact.
My DH and I actually talked about this a lot b/c his mother is obese and he worries about her a lot. He wanted to marry someone he could grow old with, not worry they keel over with a heart attack at 60.
And he could have said, "Hon, I love you and I want you to be around for a long time."
I got the impression it was more like, "You're too fat to fvck."
flan
Same here. He wouldn't hug her or hold her hand? That is why I am getting g a jerk vibe from him.
So she should divorce him because she let herself get so fat that he can't stand to touch her? That makes sense I guess if marriage means nothing.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
I'm going to follow you around and agree with you NAOW...
flan
Follow her around and agree all you want it still wasn't me in the article. If you two need to keep making this personal just make sure all those who say I "should stop picking on flan" need to come read this post right here.
I don't understand how I am making this personal? I just responded to your post.

I never said anything about divorce??

'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.

That comment was disgusting. Seriously, so if your mom, or one of your kids becomes obese, you would not touch them-hug them-anymore?

This wasn't about me but the husband in the article. I'm not the one who couldn't touch her. Go on and make it about me if that makes you happy...lol

So the bolded comment wasn't making it personal? I was saying how the husband felt and somehow that became how I felt.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Lawyerlady wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Love that is not tied to the physical is shallow? Really?
Withholding affection because of her weight is shallow.
There is a difference between "withholding" and "rejecting". He didn't pull away when she held his hand or hugged him. But do you really expect someone who is not attracted to someone else to actually think about being physical?
This is evidence that it is really just not ok with you that he doesn't find his wife attractive anymore and that he should have to regardless of how much her appearance changes.

I guess I should clarify, physically attractive. Usually people are attracted to other attributes in their spouse besides looks. I don't reach over to hold my husbands hand only when I think he looks handsome. Or give him a hug because he is looking cute that day. There are lots of reasons to reach out and be affectionate and they shouldn't happen solely based on looks.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

NAOW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Love that is not tied to the physical is shallow? Really?
Withholding affection because of her weight is shallow.
There is a difference between "withholding" and "rejecting". He didn't pull away when she held his hand or hugged him. But do you really expect someone who is not attracted to someone else to actually think about being physical?
This is evidence that it is really just not ok with you that he doesn't find his wife attractive anymore and that he should have to regardless of how much her appearance changes.
I guess I should clarify, physically attractive. Usually people are attracted to other attributes in their spouse besides looks. I don't reach over to hold my husbands hand only when I think he looks handsome. Or give him a hug because he is looking cute that day. There are lots of reasons to reach out and be affectionate and they shouldn't happen solely based on looks.

And that is YOU. It is not fair of you to hold anyone else to the level of physical affection you are comfortable with and do. And you are a woman. Desire and affection are based on different things for women than for men. That is just a fact that cannot be ignored.

NAOW · Vette's SS

huskerbb wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
I guess I don't get why she is so focused on what he thinks of her.
If I were her, I'd be focused on my own health. And obesity is a health issue.
I'd be wanting to get healthy for my own sake.
This, too! She's got 4 kids, doesn't she want to see them all grow up, get married, and have grandkids? Obese people do not live as long - that is a medical fact.
My DH and I actually talked about this a lot b/c his mother is obese and he worries about her a lot. He wanted to marry someone he could grow old with, not worry they keel over with a heart attack at 60.
And he could have said, "Hon, I love you and I want you to be around for a long time."
I got the impression it was more like, "You're too fat to fvck."
flan
Same here. He wouldn't hug her or hold her hand? That is why I am getting g a jerk vibe from him.
So she should divorce him because she let herself get so fat that he can't stand to touch her? That makes sense I guess if marriage means nothing.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
He does love her. He never said anything about divorce. He never told her she was a fat ass. He hasn't cheated. Did he handle this exactly right? No, but neither did she for a long time--which she admits.
It was easier at the time for both of them to avoid the uncomfortable truth.
He's no hero, but neither is he the villain you and others make him out to be.

I am not calling him a villain. All I said is I got a jerk vibe from him for not holding her hand anymore.. sorry, not instigating holding her hand anymore.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Tinydancer wrote:
Spoiler
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
flan327 wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
I guess I don't get why she is so focused on what he thinks of her.
If I were her, I'd be focused on my own health. And obesity is a health issue.
I'd be wanting to get healthy for my own sake.
This, too! She's got 4 kids, doesn't she want to see them all grow up, get married, and have grandkids? Obese people do not live as long - that is a medical fact.
My DH and I actually talked about this a lot b/c his mother is obese and he worries about her a lot. He wanted to marry someone he could grow old with, not worry they keel over with a heart attack at 60.
And he could have said, "Hon, I love you and I want you to be around for a long time."
I got the impression it was more like, "You're too fat to fvck."
flan
Same here. He wouldn't hug her or hold her hand? That is why I am getting g a jerk vibe from him.
So she should divorce him because she let herself get so fat that he can't stand to touch her? That makes sense I guess if marriage means nothing.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
I'm going to follow you around and agree with you NAOW...
flan
Follow her around and agree all you want it still wasn't me in the article. If you two need to keep making this personal just make sure all those who say I "should stop picking on flan" need to come read this post right here.
I don't understand how I am making this personal? I just responded to your post.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
That comment was disgusting. Seriously, so if your mom, or one of your kids becomes obese, you would not touch them-hug them-anymore?
This wasn't about me but the husband in the article. I'm not the one who couldn't touch her. Go on and make it about me if that makes you happy...lol

So the bolded comment wasn't making it personal? I was saying how the husband felt and somehow that became how I felt.

'So fat he can't stand to touch her' isn't from the article, that was your interpretation, I was questioning that.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Lawyerlady wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Love that is not tied to the physical is shallow? Really?
Withholding affection because of her weight is shallow.
There is a difference between "withholding" and "rejecting". He didn't pull away when she held his hand or hugged him. But do you really expect someone who is not attracted to someone else to actually think about being physical?
This is evidence that it is really just not ok with you that he doesn't find his wife attractive anymore and that he should have to regardless of how much her appearance changes.
I guess I should clarify, physically attractive. Usually people are attracted to other attributes in their spouse besides looks. I don't reach over to hold my husbands hand only when I think he looks handsome. Or give him a hug because he is looking cute that day. There are lots of reasons to reach out and be affectionate and they shouldn't happen solely based on looks.
And that is YOU. It is not fair of you to hold anyone else to the level of physical affection you are comfortable with and do. And you are a woman. Desire and affection are based on different things for women than for men. That is just a fact that cannot be ignored.

It obviously matters to the OP too or she wouldn't have mentioned it.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I just really want to know what he was supposed to do to "handle this right". Because I really don't think there is a way he could have handled it exactly right. I think no matter what he would have done, it would not have been "right".

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Lawyerlady wrote:
I just really want to know what he was supposed to do to "handle this right". Because I really don't think there is a way he could have handled it exactly right. I think no matter what he would have done, it would not have been "right".

He could have taken her hand in his, looked into her eyes and said " honey, you seem really upset about something and you don't seem to be able to shake it. I am really worried about you. I think your health is at risk. Let's find a way out of this together"

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Mellow Momma wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
I just really want to know what he was supposed to do to "handle this right". Because I really don't think there is a way he could have handled it exactly right. I think no matter what he would have done, it would not have been "right".

He could have taken her hand in his, looked into her eyes and said " honey, you seem really upset about something and you don't seem to be able to shake it. I am really worried about you. I think your health is at risk. Let's find a way out of this together"

Because telling someone who fighting depression that they "seem really upset about something and you don't seem able to shake it" would have been a good idea?

How many times have people said that expecting people to "shake off" depression is insensitive and they just don't understand depression? Or that it is not about being "upset"?

Like I said - nothing he did would have been right.

Tinydancer · Guru

NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
Spoiler
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
flan327 wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
I guess I don't get why she is so focused on what he thinks of her.
If I were her, I'd be focused on my own health. And obesity is a health issue.
I'd be wanting to get healthy for my own sake.
This, too! She's got 4 kids, doesn't she want to see them all grow up, get married, and have grandkids? Obese people do not live as long - that is a medical fact.
My DH and I actually talked about this a lot b/c his mother is obese and he worries about her a lot. He wanted to marry someone he could grow old with, not worry they keel over with a heart attack at 60.
And he could have said, "Hon, I love you and I want you to be around for a long time."
I got the impression it was more like, "You're too fat to fvck."
flan
Same here. He wouldn't hug her or hold her hand? That is why I am getting g a jerk vibe from him.
So she should divorce him because she let herself get so fat that he can't stand to touch her? That makes sense I guess if marriage means nothing.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
I'm going to follow you around and agree with you NAOW...
flan
Follow her around and agree all you want it still wasn't me in the article. If you two need to keep making this personal just make sure all those who say I "should stop picking on flan" need to come read this post right here.
I don't understand how I am making this personal? I just responded to your post.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
That comment was disgusting. Seriously, so if your mom, or one of your kids becomes obese, you would not touch them-hug them-anymore?
This wasn't about me but the husband in the article. I'm not the one who couldn't touch her. Go on and make it about me if that makes you happy...lol

So the bolded comment wasn't making it personal? I was saying how the husband felt and somehow that became how I felt.
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' isn't from the article, that was your interpretation, I was questioning that.

It may not have been the exact words but that's what it was. He had no desire to touch her because he was no longer attracted to her. You are the one who tried to make those MY feelings when you know nothing about MY feelings.

-- Edited by Tinydancer on Thursday 4th of June 2015 12:31:48 PM

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

And please remember - she was being treated for depression with drugs that caused weight gain - which HE understood. So, there really wasn't much to talk about b/c HE was more concerned with her mental well-being than their physical life. THAT is the very definition of loving someone through better or worse.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
Spoiler
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
flan327 wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
I guess I don't get why she is so focused on what he thinks of her.
If I were her, I'd be focused on my own health. And obesity is a health issue.
I'd be wanting to get healthy for my own sake.
This, too! She's got 4 kids, doesn't she want to see them all grow up, get married, and have grandkids? Obese people do not live as long - that is a medical fact.
My DH and I actually talked about this a lot b/c his mother is obese and he worries about her a lot. He wanted to marry someone he could grow old with, not worry they keel over with a heart attack at 60.
And he could have said, "Hon, I love you and I want you to be around for a long time."
I got the impression it was more like, "You're too fat to fvck."
flan
Same here. He wouldn't hug her or hold her hand? That is why I am getting g a jerk vibe from him.
So she should divorce him because she let herself get so fat that he can't stand to touch her? That makes sense I guess if marriage means nothing.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
I'm going to follow you around and agree with you NAOW...
flan
Follow her around and agree all you want it still wasn't me in the article. If you two need to keep making this personal just make sure all those who say I "should stop picking on flan" need to come read this post right here.
I don't understand how I am making this personal? I just responded to your post.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
That comment was disgusting. Seriously, so if your mom, or one of your kids becomes obese, you would not touch them-hug them-anymore?
This wasn't about me but the husband in the article. I'm not the one who couldn't touch her. Go on and make it about me if that makes you happy...lol

So the bolded comment wasn't making it personal? I was saying how the husband felt and somehow that became how I felt.
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' isn't from the article, that was your interpretation, I was questioning that.
It may not have been the exact words but that's what it was. He had no desire to touch her because he was no longer attractive to her. You are the one who tried to make those MY feelings when you know nothing about MY feelings.

Ok, I see what you mean. So if HIS mom or child, because obese, it would be ok for him not to touch them anymore?

I am only curious about the 'so fat he can't stand to touch her' comment. That was what I was reacting to.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

There is ALWAYS more to these things. It isn't ever just one or the other making all the problems or whatever.

Yes, she gained weight.

She also brought 4 healthy boys into this world. That changes your body.

Yes, guys are visual creatures. She may have gained weight but she doesn't look like she stopped trying.

Perhaps if he would take those boys a couple times a week she could go walking or the gym.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Lawyerlady wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
I just really want to know what he was supposed to do to "handle this right". Because I really don't think there is a way he could have handled it exactly right. I think no matter what he would have done, it would not have been "right".

He could have taken her hand in his, looked into her eyes and said " honey, you seem really upset about something and you don't seem to be able to shake it. I am really worried about you. I think your health is at risk. Let's find a way out of this together"
Because telling someone who fighting depression that they "seem really upset about something and you don't seem able to shake it" would have been a good idea?

How many times have people said that expecting people to "shake off" depression is insensitive and they just don't understand depression? Or that it is not about being "upset"?

Like I said - nothing he did would have been right.

Read the rest of my post. "Let's find a way out of this together". As in, let's seek out a doctor's help. I wasn't saying that she should just shake it off - quite the opposite, that she has t been able to and so she need some outside help. Part of being a partner is telling your spouse when you can see something that they can't. Hey, get that mole checked out, it looks funky. Or hey, you seem like you can't shake the blues. Let's get you some help!

Tinydancer · Guru

NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
Spoiler
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
flan327 wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
I guess I don't get why she is so focused on what he thinks of her.
If I were her, I'd be focused on my own health. And obesity is a health issue.
I'd be wanting to get healthy for my own sake.
This, too! She's got 4 kids, doesn't she want to see them all grow up, get married, and have grandkids? Obese people do not live as long - that is a medical fact.
My DH and I actually talked about this a lot b/c his mother is obese and he worries about her a lot. He wanted to marry someone he could grow old with, not worry they keel over with a heart attack at 60.
And he could have said, "Hon, I love you and I want you to be around for a long time."
I got the impression it was more like, "You're too fat to fvck."
flan
Same here. He wouldn't hug her or hold her hand? That is why I am getting g a jerk vibe from him.
So she should divorce him because she let herself get so fat that he can't stand to touch her? That makes sense I guess if marriage means nothing.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
I'm going to follow you around and agree with you NAOW...
flan
Follow her around and agree all you want it still wasn't me in the article. If you two need to keep making this personal just make sure all those who say I "should stop picking on flan" need to come read this post right here.
I don't understand how I am making this personal? I just responded to your post.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
That comment was disgusting. Seriously, so if your mom, or one of your kids becomes obese, you would not touch them-hug them-anymore?
This wasn't about me but the husband in the article. I'm not the one who couldn't touch her. Go on and make it about me if that makes you happy...lol

So the bolded comment wasn't making it personal? I was saying how the husband felt and somehow that became how I felt.
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' isn't from the article, that was your interpretation, I was questioning that.
It may not have been the exact words but that's what it was. He had no desire to touch her because he was no longer attractive to her. You are the one who tried to make those MY feelings when you know nothing about MY feelings.
Ok, I see what you mean. So if HIS mom or child, because obese, it would be ok for him not to touch them anymore?
I am only curious about the 'so fat he can't stand to touch her' comment. That was what I was reacting to.

No you were attributing those feeling to me not just being curious about 'so fat he can't stand to touch her'. You made it about me "That comment was disgusting. Seriously, so if your mom, or one of your kids becomes obese, you would not touch them-hug them-anymore?" and you brought my family into it as well. Backtrack all you want it's all right there to see.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Lawyerlady wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
And really, WHEN would be the best time for a man to tell his wife he no longer finds her attractive? After the birth of one of their children? While she is in the thros of depression and trying to recover?

Or how about when she notices it is a problem and brings it up? Which is what he DID.
Whenever. I cannot tell them. Again, 2 way street. When is it ever a good time to discuss the cr@ppy stuff about relationship with your partner. You make the time. If it is important enough to affect something like your sex life which use to be a huge part of your life, you kinda figure it out. Just being married is not enough. You need to BE there. Work it. Make it work. Fix it if it's broken. Support. Fight for it. Like I said, maybe I see my partnership different to theirs, but this kind of thing will not go undiscussed. In fact, it is part of our day to day dialogue. Very little is off limits between Jus and I. Not always easy or comfortable, but no surprises like this later.
But HE was not the one overly bothered by their lack of sex life. When she brought it up, did he refuse to discuss it? Did he deny it? Did he blow it off? No, he discussed it with her.
I would say the fact that she's the primary initiator would indicate otherwise. His response to the skinny her as well.
Huh? I'm sorry, but this doesn't make sense. That only evidences that he was not finding her attractive, not that the lack of sex overly bothered him. In FACT, the article says that he was waiting for her to get better and was being being patient about it. The lack of sex bothered HER, which is why she brought it up.
It is obvious that when people say he had the right to not be attracted to her anymore, they do not really mean it. Because even though he did NOTHING wrong - people are looking for ways to blame this on him.
I completely understand not being attracted to her now that she got so fat, but, look at it this way, if she was horribly disfigured in an accident, would it be OK for him to not hug her, reach out and touch her, or hold her hand because he now finds her ugly?
Here's the problem - he is NOT pulling away from hugs and holding her hand. You seem to think he has to be the one to initiate it to make it matter. You do know there are a LOT of people who are not that physical and never initiate that kind of contact? That don't even think about it?

That is not the case here. He stopped initiating when she gained weight.

But she does say she was rejected too

But more recently, he’d rejected me, even if I had snuggled up to him in bed.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
Spoiler
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
flan327 wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
NAOW wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
I guess I don't get why she is so focused on what he thinks of her.
If I were her, I'd be focused on my own health. And obesity is a health issue.
I'd be wanting to get healthy for my own sake.
This, too! She's got 4 kids, doesn't she want to see them all grow up, get married, and have grandkids? Obese people do not live as long - that is a medical fact.
My DH and I actually talked about this a lot b/c his mother is obese and he worries about her a lot. He wanted to marry someone he could grow old with, not worry they keel over with a heart attack at 60.
And he could have said, "Hon, I love you and I want you to be around for a long time."
I got the impression it was more like, "You're too fat to fvck."
flan
Same here. He wouldn't hug her or hold her hand? That is why I am getting g a jerk vibe from him.
So she should divorce him because she let herself get so fat that he can't stand to touch her? That makes sense I guess if marriage means nothing.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
I'm going to follow you around and agree with you NAOW...
flan
Follow her around and agree all you want it still wasn't me in the article. If you two need to keep making this personal just make sure all those who say I "should stop picking on flan" need to come read this post right here.
I don't understand how I am making this personal? I just responded to your post.
I never said anything about divorce??
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' Are you joking? You can't touch someone who is fat? Maybe they should get divorced if what she looks like is the only thing her husband is attracted to about her. I can understand not finding her desirable anymore, but he should still be able to love her and muster up some affection for her.
That comment was disgusting. Seriously, so if your mom, or one of your kids becomes obese, you would not touch them-hug them-anymore?
This wasn't about me but the husband in the article. I'm not the one who couldn't touch her. Go on and make it about me if that makes you happy...lol

So the bolded comment wasn't making it personal? I was saying how the husband felt and somehow that became how I felt.
'So fat he can't stand to touch her' isn't from the article, that was your interpretation, I was questioning that.
It may not have been the exact words but that's what it was. He had no desire to touch her because he was no longer attractive to her. You are the one who tried to make those MY feelings when you know nothing about MY feelings.
Ok, I see what you mean. So if HIS mom or child, because obese, it would be ok for him not to touch them anymore?
I am only curious about the 'so fat he can't stand to touch her' comment. That was what I was reacting to.
No you were attributing those feeling to me not just being curious about 'so fat he can't stand to touch her'. You made it about me "That comment was disgusting. Seriously, so if your mom, or one of your kids becomes obese, you would not touch them-hug them-anymore?" and you brought my family into it as well. Backtrack all you want it's all right there to see.

I said, "I see what you mean" because I can see how I made it about you and I rephrased to it being a question about the OP instead. I do think that comment was disgusting. It was your interpretation and I reacted to that, but I changed it to not being about you and your feelings. I apologize for offending you.

NAOW · Vette's SS

lilyofcourse wrote:
There is ALWAYS more to these things. It isn't ever just one or the other making all the problems or whatever.

Yes, she gained weight.

She also brought 4 healthy boys into this world. That changes your body.

Yes, guys are visual creatures. She may have gained weight but she doesn't look like she stopped trying.

Perhaps if he would take those boys a couple times a week she could go walking or the gym.

That too. She still looks nice and put together even though she has gained a lot of weight.

Tinydancer · Guru

Apology accepted. Thanks for understanding why I was offended.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Just scanned this but, how many of you have been on anti depressants? The side effects are horrendous. My sister went off hers when she gained almost 120 pounds. Then she was admitted to a psych ward. She valued slimness over sanity. Of all the people I've every met on medication for depression I've only ever known one that didn't get a significant amount of weight. And before you start yelling at me that it's still her fault I will agree that it is but until others understand the difficulty when you suddenly pack on weight for nothing you psychically did wrong like eating or failing to exercise the sooner you can understand that it packs on more depression.

I have.

My weight gain is solely the result of my not exercising.

flan

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

NAOW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Love that is not tied to the physical is shallow? Really?
Withholding affection because of her weight is shallow.

If NEITHER of them wanted sex, that would be a different story.

flan

chef · Guru

"I knew what I was getting with him and I am as happy with him now as I was when we first started dating in 1999. He, on the other hand, could legitimately say he was misled. He chose to marry a slim woman and ended up with a grossly overweight one." (from the article)

No. Just no. He wasn't misled. People change as they get older. Life happens. Personality is what makes a person, not looks. If he was ONLY attracted to her body, then he should've straight up told her that ANY changes to her looks will result in him rejecting her. What if she had been in an accident? What if she developed a medical problem that caused weight gain? Good grief. He had more hair when they met. Should she suddenly not be attracted to him because he's bald now?

Yep, this article struck a nerve. Not because I'm fat myself but because I've long been tired of how shallow this world is. I am who I am whether I wear a size 0 or size 100. To be told that I'm only worthy of affection if I'm a size 0 is insulting. To be told that I've somehow changed just because I gained weight is insulting.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Mellow Momma wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
I just really want to know what he was supposed to do to "handle this right". Because I really don't think there is a way he could have handled it exactly right. I think no matter what he would have done, it would not have been "right".

He could have taken her hand in his, looked into her eyes and said " honey, you seem really upset about something and you don't seem to be able to shake it. I am really worried about you. I think your health is at risk. Let's find a way out of this together"
Because telling someone who fighting depression that they "seem really upset about something and you don't seem able to shake it" would have been a good idea?

How many times have people said that expecting people to "shake off" depression is insensitive and they just don't understand depression? Or that it is not about being "upset"?

Like I said - nothing he did would have been right.
Read the rest of my post. "Let's find a way out of this together". As in, let's seek out a doctor's help. I wasn't saying that she should just shake it off - quite the opposite, that she has t been able to and so she need some outside help. Part of being a partner is telling your spouse when you can see something that they can't. Hey, get that mole checked out, it looks funky. Or hey, you seem like you can't shake the blues. Let's get you some help!

They were ALREADY doing that! This man erred on the side of not saying anything that might make his wife feel worse.

I find it amazing that this woman can have self esteem issues that yo-yo'd with her weight, she admits she was miserable to be around, she then suffers from depression, and he is handling all of that in stride along with supporting the family and being a father to 4 boys along with his self-admitted miserable wife, and yet HE is the bad guy for not saying what you think would be the perfect thing at the perfect time.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

NAOW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
And really, WHEN would be the best time for a man to tell his wife he no longer finds her attractive? After the birth of one of their children? While she is in the thros of depression and trying to recover?

Or how about when she notices it is a problem and brings it up? Which is what he DID.
Whenever. I cannot tell them. Again, 2 way street. When is it ever a good time to discuss the cr@ppy stuff about relationship with your partner. You make the time. If it is important enough to affect something like your sex life which use to be a huge part of your life, you kinda figure it out. Just being married is not enough. You need to BE there. Work it. Make it work. Fix it if it's broken. Support. Fight for it. Like I said, maybe I see my partnership different to theirs, but this kind of thing will not go undiscussed. In fact, it is part of our day to day dialogue. Very little is off limits between Jus and I. Not always easy or comfortable, but no surprises like this later.
But HE was not the one overly bothered by their lack of sex life. When she brought it up, did he refuse to discuss it? Did he deny it? Did he blow it off? No, he discussed it with her.
I would say the fact that she's the primary initiator would indicate otherwise. His response to the skinny her as well.
Huh? I'm sorry, but this doesn't make sense. That only evidences that he was not finding her attractive, not that the lack of sex overly bothered him. In FACT, the article says that he was waiting for her to get better and was being being patient about it. The lack of sex bothered HER, which is why she brought it up.
It is obvious that when people say he had the right to not be attracted to her anymore, they do not really mean it. Because even though he did NOTHING wrong - people are looking for ways to blame this on him.
I completely understand not being attracted to her now that she got so fat, but, look at it this way, if she was horribly disfigured in an accident, would it be OK for him to not hug her, reach out and touch her, or hold her hand because he now finds her ugly?
Here's the problem - he is NOT pulling away from hugs and holding her hand. You seem to think he has to be the one to initiate it to make it matter. You do know there are a LOT of people who are not that physical and never initiate that kind of contact? That don't even think about it?
That is not the case here. He stopped initiating when she gained weight.
But she does say she was rejected too
But more recently, he’d rejected me, even if I had snuggled up to him in bed.

He didn't want to have sex with her - you already said that is ok that he wasn't attracted to her. Or are you saying he should have had sex with her, anyway. Because, you KNOW that wouldn't be an ok attitude if it was the other way around. What, women have the right to say no, but men don't?

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I think THIS is part of the problem:

It might sound strange, but the disparity between our sizes — my husband is a big man, who weighs about 15 st — played a part in our relationship. He was my manly protector and I was his delicate young lady.

At first, okay, innocent enough, but after so many years, they don't see themselves any differently?

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

And, he has since added a few more stones as well. Do men really expect their wives to never change? I mean, we ALL are changing, day by day. And, yes, some people have that battle to fight more so than others. But, is there a time when anyone can really just relax and be who they are or are we always under the microscope even with the people we love?

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
And, he has since added a few more stones as well. Do men really expect their wives to never change? I mean, we ALL are changing, day by day. And, yes, some people have that battle to fight more so than others. But, is there a time when anyone can really just relax and be who they are or are we always under the microscope even with the people we love?

So, you expect that his perception of what is attractive physically must meet her changing body lock n step? That's not realistic.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
And, he has since added a few more stones as well. Do men really expect their wives to never change? I mean, we ALL are changing, day by day. And, yes, some people have that battle to fight more so than others. But, is there a time when anyone can really just relax and be who they are or are we always under the microscope even with the people we love?

And if she could accept that she doesn't HAVE to be a size 8 to be attractive... Yes, lose some weight, but she's a beautiful woman.

flan

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
And, he has since added a few more stones as well. Do men really expect their wives to never change? I mean, we ALL are changing, day by day. And, yes, some people have that battle to fight more so than others. But, is there a time when anyone can really just relax and be who they are or are we always under the microscope even with the people we love?
So, you expect that his perception of what is attractive physically must meet her changing body lock n step? That's not realistic.

Not all men are like that, though.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
And, he has since added a few more stones as well. Do men really expect their wives to never change? I mean, we ALL are changing, day by day. And, yes, some people have that battle to fight more so than others. But, is there a time when anyone can really just relax and be who they are or are we always under the microscope even with the people we love?
So, you expect that his perception of what is attractive physically must meet her changing body lock n step? That's not realistic.

I expect that when you marry, you understand that we change and have issues in life. That your spouse might become sick, disabled, depressed. That she isnt' going to dump her husband the second he loses his job or whatever.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
And, he has since added a few more stones as well. Do men really expect their wives to never change? I mean, we ALL are changing, day by day. And, yes, some people have that battle to fight more so than others. But, is there a time when anyone can really just relax and be who they are or are we always under the microscope even with the people we love?
So, you expect that his perception of what is attractive physically must meet her changing body lock n step? That's not realistic.
I expect that when you marry, you understand that we change and have issues in life. That your spouse might become sick, disabled, depressed. That she isnt' going to dump her husband the second he loses his job or whatever.

I'm sorry - did I miss where he dumped her? Divorced her? Cheated on her? Even said anything negative at all to her about it?

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
And, he has since added a few more stones as well. Do men really expect their wives to never change? I mean, we ALL are changing, day by day. And, yes, some people have that battle to fight more so than others. But, is there a time when anyone can really just relax and be who they are or are we always under the microscope even with the people we love?
So, you expect that his perception of what is attractive physically must meet her changing body lock n step? That's not realistic.
I expect that when you marry, you understand that we change and have issues in life. That your spouse might become sick, disabled, depressed. That she isnt' going to dump her husband the second he loses his job or whatever.

Sure, but if it is something they can change or get help with, then they need to. Their spouse doesn't have to accept it as a permanent new reality if it can be changed. Sure, people might lose a job--but they damn well better then be looking for another one and not just sit on the couch.

TrudyML · Guru

Maybe they both should join a gym.

chillepeppa · Regular

Lawyerlady wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
NAOW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
And really, WHEN would be the best time for a man to tell his wife he no longer finds her attractive? After the birth of one of their children? While she is in the thros of depression and trying to recover?

Or how about when she notices it is a problem and brings it up? Which is what he DID.
Whenever. I cannot tell them. Again, 2 way street. When is it ever a good time to discuss the cr@ppy stuff about relationship with your partner. You make the time. If it is important enough to affect something like your sex life which use to be a huge part of your life, you kinda figure it out. Just being married is not enough. You need to BE there. Work it. Make it work. Fix it if it's broken. Support. Fight for it. Like I said, maybe I see my partnership different to theirs, but this kind of thing will not go undiscussed. In fact, it is part of our day to day dialogue. Very little is off limits between Jus and I. Not always easy or comfortable, but no surprises like this later.
But HE was not the one overly bothered by their lack of sex life. When she brought it up, did he refuse to discuss it? Did he deny it? Did he blow it off? No, he discussed it with her.
I would say the fact that she's the primary initiator would indicate otherwise. His response to the skinny her as well.
Huh? I'm sorry, but this doesn't make sense. That only evidences that he was not finding her attractive, not that the lack of sex overly bothered him. In FACT, the article says that he was waiting for her to get better and was being being patient about it. The lack of sex bothered HER, which is why she brought it up.
It is obvious that when people say he had the right to not be attracted to her anymore, they do not really mean it. Because even though he did NOTHING wrong - people are looking for ways to blame this on him.
I completely understand not being attracted to her now that she got so fat, but, look at it this way, if she was horribly disfigured in an accident, would it be OK for him to not hug her, reach out and touch her, or hold her hand because he now finds her ugly?
Here's the problem - he is NOT pulling away from hugs and holding her hand. You seem to think he has to be the one to initiate it to make it matter. You do know there are a LOT of people who are not that physical and never initiate that kind of contact? That don't even think about it?
That is not the case here. He stopped initiating when she gained weight.
But she does say she was rejected too
But more recently, he’d rejected me, even if I had snuggled up to him in bed.
He didn't want to have sex with her - you already said that is ok that he wasn't attracted to her. Or are you saying he should have had sex with her, anyway. Because, you KNOW that wouldn't be an ok attitude if it was the other way around. What, women have the right to say no, but men don't?

No, he shouldn't have to force sex on her. We only bring this up to show his actions (or non action) on the physical affection part of their relationship. That he has made no effort since the change in her physical appearance indicating that it did bother him that she looked different, yet did minimal initially from his end to try and remedy it until confronted and cornered about it. Even if they had spoken about it before, if it bothered him enough to not want to initiate intimacy then speaking about it again should not be an issue.

They share responsibility in the state of their marriage at this point in my opinion. As far as I can see, communication is their biggest issue, the rest is just extra crap that would most probably get resolved once they sort out the first.

Reading minds only happens in the movies. If I piss Jus off, it is on him to tell me, just as I know to tell him if he annoys me. Doing otherwise is just playing games.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

That sentence was taken where she was talking about sex.

And you keep saying HE needed to talk about it, but their lack of sex life wasn't bothering HIM and he didn't want to make his wife feel worse.

Focusing on that very minor point with everything else going on in their lives shows pretty clearly that people are stretching to make this about HIM when everything, and I mean EVERYTHING - from the yo yo weight, to the moody miserableness, to the depression, to writing an article about their marriage for public consumption is HER.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

It's about BOTH of them.

flan

chillepeppa · Regular

Lawyerlady wrote:
That sentence was taken where she was talking about sex.

And you keep saying HE needed to talk about it, but their lack of sex life wasn't bothering HIM and he didn't want to make his wife feel worse.

Focusing on that very minor point with everything else going on in their lives shows pretty clearly that people are stretching to make this about HIM when everything, and I mean EVERYTHING - from the yo yo weight, to the moody miserableness, to the depression, to writing an article about their marriage for public consumption is HER.

I don't agree with you. Maybe it's because intimacy is such an integral part of my marriage, that if it was lacking without there being a much discussed and understood reason for it, there would be serious cause for concern from both sides. I want to be sexy for Jus and desired by him. Could be that I am projecting my matrimonial priorities on this situation, still does not let him off the hook as far as I'm concerned. Marriage is a partnership. For quality output, I would need quality input...

Here honey, have a seat, I can see you're beat. Can I pour you a glass of wine? How was you day? ... Always a good start to any conversation.

Again, I would rather Jus tell me 2 sizes up I'm starting to go adrift then wait till all has gone pear shape and have to corner him to get what I already know out of him 2 years down the line.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

chillepeppa wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
That sentence was taken where she was talking about sex.

And you keep saying HE needed to talk about it, but their lack of sex life wasn't bothering HIM and he didn't want to make his wife feel worse.

Focusing on that very minor point with everything else going on in their lives shows pretty clearly that people are stretching to make this about HIM when everything, and I mean EVERYTHING - from the yo yo weight, to the moody miserableness, to the depression, to writing an article about their marriage for public consumption is HER.
I don't agree with you. Maybe it's because intimacy is such an integral part of my marriage, that if it was lacking without there being a much discussed and understood reason for it, there would be serious cause for concern from both sides. I want to be sexy for Jus and desired by him. Could be that I am projecting my matrimonial priorities on this situation, still does not let him off the hook as far as I'm concerned. Marriage is a partnership. For quality output, I would need quality input...
Here honey, have a seat, I can see you're beat. Can I pour you a glass of wine? How was you day? ... Always a good start to any conversation.
Again, I would rather Jus tell me 2 sizes up I'm starting to go adrift then wait till all has gone pear shape and have to corner him to get what I already know out of him 2 years down the line.

The reason I don't agree with you is because I don't believe this marriage has been a two way street on her part for a long time. I think he has been focusing on her, being patient with her and having to deal with all of her self esteem issues and depression. It's like he is expected over and over and over to wait on her, make sure she feels good, etc. with no thought to how difficult it has been for him to live with a wife who admits she has miserable to live with, who is battling depression, etc.

You keep talking about marriage being a partnership - but you are expecting way more of him than her. And why is it all on him to wait on her? You think he just lays around all day, doesn't help around the house or with the kids, doesn't work, etc. How much of this marriage has focused on HIM at all? It doesn't sound like any.