TOTALLY GEEKED!

chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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That sentence was taken where she was talking about sex.

And you keep saying HE needed to talk about it, but their lack of sex life wasn't bothering HIM and he didn't want to make his wife feel worse.

Focusing on that very minor point with everything else going on in their lives shows pretty clearly that people are stretching to make this about HIM when everything, and I mean EVERYTHING - from the yo yo weight, to the moody miserableness, to the depression, to writing an article about their marriage for public consumption is HER.

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I don't agree with you. Maybe it's because intimacy is such an integral part of my marriage, that if it was lacking without there being a much discussed and understood reason for it, there would be serious cause for concern from both sides. I want to be sexy for Jus and desired by him. Could be that I am projecting my matrimonial priorities on this situation, still does not let him off the hook as far as I'm concerned. Marriage is a partnership. For quality output, I would need quality input...

Here honey, have a seat, I can see you're beat. Can I pour you a glass of wine? How was you day? ... Always a good start to any conversation.

Again, I would rather Jus tell me 2 sizes up I'm starting to go adrift then wait till all has gone pear shape and have to corner him to get what I already know out of him 2 years down the line.

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 The reason I don't agree with you is because I don't believe this marriage has been a two way street on her part for a long time.  I think he has been focusing on her, being patient with her and having to deal with all of her self esteem issues and depression.  It's like he is expected over and over and over to wait on her, make sure she feels good, etc. with no thought to how difficult it has been for him to live with a wife who admits she has miserable to live with, who is battling depression, etc.

You keep talking about marriage being a partnership - but you are expecting way more of him than her.  And why is it all on him to wait on her?  You think he just lays around all day, doesn't help around the house or with the kids, doesn't work, etc.  How much of this marriage has focused on HIM at all?  It doesn't sound like any.

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Say what? When did I say this? I thought this was about sex? 

And I never, not once said it was all his fault and she is completely blameless. Again, and I've said this a few time before, they are both to blame for the state of their marriage as far as I'm concerned. 

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 Well, when you expect him to come home from a long day of work and wait on her, what am I supposed to think? 

flan327 wrote:

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Where did chille say that?

flan

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 "Here honey, have a seat, I can see you're beat. Can I pour you a glass of wine? How was you day? ... Always a good start to any conversation."

Lawyerlady wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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That sentence was taken where she was talking about sex.

And you keep saying HE needed to talk about it, but their lack of sex life wasn't bothering HIM and he didn't want to make his wife feel worse.

Focusing on that very minor point with everything else going on in their lives shows pretty clearly that people are stretching to make this about HIM when everything, and I mean EVERYTHING - from the yo yo weight, to the moody miserableness, to the depression, to writing an article about their marriage for public consumption is HER.

---

I don't agree with you. Maybe it's because intimacy is such an integral part of my marriage, that if it was lacking without there being a much discussed and understood reason for it, there would be serious cause for concern from both sides. I want to be sexy for Jus and desired by him. Could be that I am projecting my matrimonial priorities on this situation, still does not let him off the hook as far as I'm concerned. Marriage is a partnership. For quality output, I would need quality input...

Here honey, have a seat, I can see you're beat. Can I pour you a glass of wine? How was you day? ... Always a good start to any conversation.

Again, I would rather Jus tell me 2 sizes up I'm starting to go adrift then wait till all has gone pear shape and have to corner him to get what I already know out of him 2 years down the line.

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 The reason I don't agree with you is because I don't believe this marriage has been a two way street on her part for a long time.  I think he has been focusing on her, being patient with her and having to deal with all of her self esteem issues and depression.  It's like he is expected over and over and over to wait on her, make sure she feels good, etc. with no thought to how difficult it has been for him to live with a wife who admits she has miserable to live with, who is battling depression, etc.

You keep talking about marriage being a partnership - but you are expecting way more of him than her.  And why is it all on him to wait on her?  You think he just lays around all day, doesn't help around the house or with the kids, doesn't work, etc.  How much of this marriage has focused on HIM at all?  It doesn't sound like any.

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Say what? When did I say this? I thought this was about sex? 

And I never, not once said it was all his fault and she is completely blameless. Again, and I've said this a few time before, they are both to blame for the state of their marriage as far as I'm concerned. 

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 Well, when you expect him to come home from a long day of work and wait on her, what am I supposed to think? 

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If having, what could become an important and vital conversation with your partner in crime is waiting on them hand and foot, then I am my husbands slave for sure.

Not every such conversation has to be pivotal or earth shattering. It can also be intimate. Quiet. Loving. Fun. Sexy. Whatever. Any party can initiate it. 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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A lot more of "waiting on one another" would go a long way to fix a lot of marriages.

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Amen!!

flan 

flan327 wrote:

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I bring DH his ice pack & a PowerAde every morning after his shower.

We actually "wait on" each other.

flan

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 And my husband makes me coffee every morning, and I make him dinner every day.  But if he DIDN'T make me coffee, it would not mean he didn't love me or that he was neglecting me or that he was not participating in our marriage.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

---

That sentence was taken where she was talking about sex.

And you keep saying HE needed to talk about it, but their lack of sex life wasn't bothering HIM and he didn't want to make his wife feel worse.

Focusing on that very minor point with everything else going on in their lives shows pretty clearly that people are stretching to make this about HIM when everything, and I mean EVERYTHING - from the yo yo weight, to the moody miserableness, to the depression, to writing an article about their marriage for public consumption is HER.

---

I don't agree with you. Maybe it's because intimacy is such an integral part of my marriage, that if it was lacking without there being a much discussed and understood reason for it, there would be serious cause for concern from both sides. I want to be sexy for Jus and desired by him. Could be that I am projecting my matrimonial priorities on this situation, still does not let him off the hook as far as I'm concerned. Marriage is a partnership. For quality output, I would need quality input...

Here honey, have a seat, I can see you're beat. Can I pour you a glass of wine? How was you day? ... Always a good start to any conversation.

Again, I would rather Jus tell me 2 sizes up I'm starting to go adrift then wait till all has gone pear shape and have to corner him to get what I already know out of him 2 years down the line.

---

 The reason I don't agree with you is because I don't believe this marriage has been a two way street on her part for a long time.  I think he has been focusing on her, being patient with her and having to deal with all of her self esteem issues and depression.  It's like he is expected over and over and over to wait on her, make sure she feels good, etc. with no thought to how difficult it has been for him to live with a wife who admits she has miserable to live with, who is battling depression, etc.

You keep talking about marriage being a partnership - but you are expecting way more of him than her.  And why is it all on him to wait on her?  You think he just lays around all day, doesn't help around the house or with the kids, doesn't work, etc.  How much of this marriage has focused on HIM at all?  It doesn't sound like any.

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Say what? When did I say this? I thought this was about sex? 

And I never, not once said it was all his fault and she is completely blameless. Again, and I've said this a few time before, they are both to blame for the state of their marriage as far as I'm concerned. 

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 Well, when you expect him to come home from a long day of work and wait on her, what am I supposed to think? 

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If having, what could become an important and vital conversation with your partner in crime is waiting on them hand and foot, then I am my husbands slave for sure.

Not every such conversation has to be pivotal or earth shattering. It can also be intimate. Quiet. Loving. Fun. Sexy. Whatever. Any party can initiate it. 

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 Yes, they can.  And I'm quite sure they had conversations.  Nothing in her article indicates otherwise.  In fact - other than the lack of sex, nothing indicates a lot of the assumptions made here. 

My problem comes in when you sit there saying all the things HE should have done, which assumes he wasn't doing enough already.  Do you really think it was easy for him dealing with a mentally ill wife while they were raising 4 small children?  It's great to say what you would have done or expected in his place, but it is not realistic to think you understand the situation until you have lived it.   In the totality of the circumstances, I think he has done very well.

And if someone told a wife to wait on her husband and bring him a beer there would be sexist hell to pay. 

 

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Sexist Hell to pay by WHOM?  If I want to wait on my husband, what is wrong with that?   And vice versa.  Do you WANT to do nice things for your beloved? Sheesh. 

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Tinydancer wrote:

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How do you know he didn't wait on her? If she was going through depression he probably had to do a LOT of things for her.

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 AND their FOUR children.

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How do we know he did?

I'm not inferring that he didn't, but both positions are pure assumptions. I never questioned his or her parenting commitment either. I'm just not convinced that her "I'm too fat for him to desire me" is exclusively her fault. 

flan327 wrote:

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Yes, he could have cheated, he could have dumped her, OR he could have actually talked to her, maybe suggesting that they go on walks together.

flan

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 And you assume he didn't, why?

I'll tell you why.  Because it just feels WRONG that he would not be attracted to his wife because she is fat.  It feeds into a fear and insecurity that women who battle weight gain have, and is pretty much a realization of a dreaded nightmare.  But, since what we are attracted to is not something we can easily change by snapping our fingers, and anyone with sense has to recognize that - people have to find something else to blame him for and be upset with him for to justify the anger we feel over his lack of attraction for his wife.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Tinydancer wrote:

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How do you know he didn't wait on her? If she was going through depression he probably had to do a LOT of things for her.

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 AND their FOUR children.

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How do we know he did?

I'm not inferring that he didn't, but both positions are pure assumptions. I never questioned his or her parenting commitment either. I'm just not convinced that her "I'm too fat for him to desire me" is exclusively her fault. 

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Why is there a "fault" at all?  The attacks against him on this thread started immediately with tons of speculation and assumptions about what he was NOT doing when his wife freely and clearly admits that he stood by her while she was a yo-yoing wreck and suffered from depression.  If her medication caused her weight gain- then, no, that's not her fault, but what's he going to say to her when the choice you have is take your medication and be fat or don't take your medication and be depressed.  It's clear by that article, and what she wrote, that he was willing to wait it out. 

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I guess our idea of support is different. Mine is very pro-active and I don't get that from a wait and see if it gets better kind of vibe, depression and meds aside that is.

And as I've stated upthread, if there was a clear and known cause for any change to anyone, specially medical, then it is what it is, but in this case, it was only a part of the problem. And since the depression is also a recent episode, could also be part of the reason she has had this break through, so to speak. Could be that the previous up and downs was all depression related, just never seen in that context due to life, kids, go go go all the time.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Tinydancer wrote:

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How do you know he didn't wait on her? If she was going through depression he probably had to do a LOT of things for her.

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 AND their FOUR children.

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How do we know he did?

I'm not inferring that he didn't, but both positions are pure assumptions. I never questioned his or her parenting commitment either. I'm just not convinced that her "I'm too fat for him to desire me" is exclusively her fault. 

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Why is there a "fault" at all?  The attacks against him on this thread started immediately with tons of speculation and assumptions about what he was NOT doing when his wife freely and clearly admits that he stood by her while she was a yo-yoing wreck and suffered from depression.  If her medication caused her weight gain- then, no, that's not her fault, but what's he going to say to her when the choice you have is take your medication and be fat or don't take your medication and be depressed.  It's clear by that article, and what she wrote, that he was willing to wait it out. 

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I guess our idea of support is different. Mine is very pro-active and I don't get that from a wait and see if it gets better kind of vibe, depression and meds aside that is.

And as I've stated upthread, if there was a clear and known cause for any change to anyone, specially medical, then it is what it is, but in this case, it was only a part of the problem. And since the depression is also a recent episode, could also be part of the reason she has had this break through, so to speak. Could be that the previous up and downs was all depression related, just never seen in that context due to life, kids, go go go all the time.

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 And prior to the depression, she was able to lose the weight and it wasn't an issue.  Weight gain is expected with pregnancy, and temporary.  The article clearly says she was able to lose the weight, and then she was diagnosed with depression and the medication caused her to pack the weight on.  So, what exactly, would have been the point of discussing weight issues with her when it was caused by medication that she NEEDED?  WHY would anyone think it a good idea to bring it up when there was nothing she could do about it?  Open communication does not mean purposely telling your spouse things that might hurt them when there is nothing they can do about it. 

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 Then I fail to see the purpose of not only this discussion, but also the article...

chillepeppa wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Tinydancer wrote:

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How do you know he didn't wait on her? If she was going through depression he probably had to do a LOT of things for her.

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 AND their FOUR children.

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How do we know he did?

I'm not inferring that he didn't, but both positions are pure assumptions. I never questioned his or her parenting commitment either. I'm just not convinced that her "I'm too fat for him to desire me" is exclusively her fault. 

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 Then whose fault could it possibly be?

If being a physical turn-on to your partner is the only thing holding up your marriage, you're in trouble.

Guess what? We all get old and lumpy and saggy, no matter whether you're thin or fat.

You need other things holding your marriage together. Like mutual respect and friendship.

And you have to find other ways to be turned on by each other.

For DH and I, our sense of humor makes it work.

Blankie wrote:

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If being a physical turn-on to your partner is the only thing holding up your marriage, you're in trouble.

Guess what? We all get old and lumpy and saggy, no matter whether you're thin or fat.

You need other things holding your marriage together. Like mutual respect and friendship.

And you have to find other ways to be turned on by each other.

For DH and I, our sense of humor makes it work.

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And I am finding that, as you get older & have to deal with health issues that interfere with sex, humor is even more important.

flan 

Blankie wrote:

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flan327 wrote:

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Blankie wrote:

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If being a physical turn-on to your partner is the only thing holding up your marriage, you're in trouble.

Guess what? We all get old and lumpy and saggy, no matter whether you're thin or fat.

You need other things holding your marriage together. Like mutual respect and friendship.

And you have to find other ways to be turned on by each other.

For DH and I, our sense of humor makes it work.

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And I am finding that, as you get older & have to deal with health issues that interfere with sex, humor is even more important.

flan 

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Yes. And letting go of unreasonable expectations helps too.

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Totally!

From the OP:

It might sound strange, but the disparity between our sizes — my husband is a big man, who weighs about 15 st — played a part in our relationship. He was my manly protector and I was his delicate young lady. 

If this is the core of their relationship, it is unrealistic to assume things will never change.

flan

flan327 wrote:

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Blankie wrote:

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flan327 wrote:

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Blankie wrote:

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If being a physical turn-on to your partner is the only thing holding up your marriage, you're in trouble.

Guess what? We all get old and lumpy and saggy, no matter whether you're thin or fat.

You need other things holding your marriage together. Like mutual respect and friendship.

And you have to find other ways to be turned on by each other.

For DH and I, our sense of humor makes it work.

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And I am finding that, as you get older & have to deal with health issues that interfere with sex, humor is even more important.

flan 

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Yes. And letting go of unreasonable expectations helps too.

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Totally!

From the OP:

It might sound strange, but the disparity between our sizes — my husband is a big man, who weighs about 15 st — played a part in our relationship. He was my manly protector and I was his delicate young lady. 

If this is the core of their relationship, it is unrealistic to assume things will never change.

flan

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 I think those roles they cast are coming back to bite them. I wonder if those roles are her perception or his, or both. If you're going to do role-playing, ya gotta both be on the same page or it won't work.

I think they should try some new role-playing in the bedroom. Might spice things up a bit.