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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Abby: Trouble Blending our Family
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Abby: Trouble Blending our Family
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DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced mother with an 11-year-old daughter. My boyfriend, "John," and I have been together for two years and we're serious. He is also divorced, with a 13-year-old daughter.

We have tried to be sensitive and understanding about their feelings about our recent divorces and our relationship, but both girls are having a difficult time coping with it. We are very loving and inclusive, so it's not as if they should feel resentful or left out. But this is starting to cause a rift in our relationship.

There comes a point when they need to understand that this is the new norm and get used to it. We try to include each other's daughter in shared events, but it ends up becoming a forced struggle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- THE NEW NORM

DEAR NEW NORM: Welcome to the world of blended families. As much as we would wish it, the adjustment isn't always smooth, because when children are involved, their world is often torn apart.

A resource that can be helpful would be the Stepfamily Foundation Inc. (stepfamily.org). Your former spouses can also ease the adjustment for the girls by remaining actively involved in their lives, curbing their hostility and not pitting the children against either of you.

However, if that's not in the cards, then enlist the help of a licensed family therapist. Blended family counseling, divorce and remarriage counseling may be necessary to ease the girls' transition into "the new norm," which is anything but normal for them.

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2015/6/7/children-from-prior-marriages-can-be

 



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Lawyerlady


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It sounds to me like they are playing into this a bit. Treat the situation as normal, treat the kids as normal and it will become normal. Stop dramatizing it.

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Lawyerlady wrote:

It sounds to me like they are playing into this a bit. Treat the situation as normal, treat the kids as normal and it will become normal. Stop dramatizing it.

 Yes, and two years is not that long (plus, I doubt they started off serious- so the time they have been 'serious' is even shorter), give it some time. 



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Mellow Momma


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These girls don't have to be best friends. They just have to be polite to each other, which it seems that they are. I think the parents' expectations are WAY too high. The girls are also 11 and 13. They are farther apart in interests than their 2 year age gap would suggest. It's only 2 years but those are 2 girl years...it's like dog years at that age.

I just think it's unrealistic to think these girls are going to be anything other than awkward around each other. This is forced so it will be awkward. The parents need to realize they are the ones in love, not the girls.

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Vette


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I also wonder how long ago they each were divorced

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Lawyerlady wrote:

It sounds to me like they are playing into this a bit. Treat the situation as normal, treat the kids as normal and it will become normal. Stop dramatizing it.

Yes.  This is what we are doing and this is the way it is.  Kids are pretty good about accepting what is and it doesn't have to be analyzed to death.  But, they do need to make it clear that both parents have authority over both of them. 



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huskerbb


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This is what often happens.

You blithely go about your life, pursue new love interests, etc...--and just assume that everyone else will be hunky-dory with it and you'll live happily ever after. They are really only concerned about their happiness, and everyone else, including children, are incidental to that.

I wish we had more details on what was going on. Are the girls fighting all the time, or do they just not interact much? It also doesn't say if they are both living with them full time, or if one or both of they are there part-time.

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Blankie


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Not enough info here in the OP to tell what the problems are. Doesn't say whether they are living together or not. That makes a big difference.



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huskerbb


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Blankie wrote:

Not enough info here in the OP to tell what the problems are. Doesn't say whether they are living together or not. That makes a big difference.

I agree that there really is not enough info.  Can't tell if the problems are huge--or more normal for girls that age.

 

I would assume the couple is living together--but are the girls there all the time?   



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