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ed11563


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Dear Prudence - family vacation?
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Dear Prudence,
My sisters and I have been invited for the first time ever to the first three days of the annual “family vacation” our father and stepmother take each year with our three stepsisters, their spouses, and children. We’ve been excluded from this event for the past 20 years. Our father married our stepmother when we were in our teens; she was in her mid-20s. He allowed this jealous, materialistic, and emotionally abusive person to dictate the smallest details of life during our visits with him. Her own daughters were terrorized by her exacting demands and constant monitoring of their weight. Our father is a distant person, was barely involved in our lives growing up, and my memories of our childhood visits are unpleasant. Now that our dad has several grandchildren, he seems to long for more contact with us. My sisters think we should all make an effort to go on the trip to show we appreciate the invitation, but I’m not inclined to do so. It involves activities I don’t enjoy due to my very pale skin (swimming, jet-skiing, sunbathing), it takes place at an inconvenient time, and while some casual time with my dad would be nice I don’t relish the thought of enduring my stepmother’s binge-drinking, rude questions, and general pestering of everyone to do what she wants when she wants. Should I suck it up and go even though I know I won’t enjoy myself? 

—Not So Inclined

Dear Inclined,
Ah, summer vacation, and a wretched, abusive, sunburned time was had by all! For many people it turns out that it’s a fortunate fact that childhood doesn’t last forever. You finally got free of visiting this miserable stepmother, and the father who didn’t do anything to protect you from her. Being excluded for the past 20 years from their annual not-fun times was a blessing. It’s too bad your father’s desire to make up for decades of distance doesn’t involve actually spending time alone with his first family and their offspring. But clearly, the hellion he married wouldn’t allow that. I say you take a pass. You don’t have to make any excuses; just say you appreciate the invitation, but unfortunately you can’t make it. You know that no matter how much sunscreen you use, it cannot block the radiation emitting from this woman, and the miserable childhood she forces you to recapitulate.

—Prudie

 



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Nobody Just Nobody


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No words.

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LW is very judgmental about the step mom's behavior even though she has not seen her in 20 years in close quarters. I'm not saying the SM is not a sh*t or the LW's father. But give it a chance. Is the vaca with everyone under one roof of many different hotel rooms?

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karl271


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Yes, quite possible a person could change in 20 years. But if LW wants to hold on to the 20 year old image, not much anyone can do about it.

I still say go; can always leave early.

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Nobody Just Nobody


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This is another ridiculous letter. Go or don't go. It's pretty much that simple. If you want to go go. But sit around griping about it. Call a friend and vent. If you don't want to go then don't. Call a friend and vent.

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I wouldn't go. My vacations are precious to me. I wouldn't spend them with toxic people. That's just me though.

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Mellow Momma wrote:

I wouldn't go. My vacations are precious to me. I wouldn't spend them with toxic people. That's just me though.

 I agree. There are a lot of people I like who I wouldn't vacation with so there is no way I'd do this.



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To me she seems like she wants to hang onto to the anger. Who knows. If she doesn't want to go Just Say No.

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Mellow Momma


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Having just heard from DH's "egg donor", I can say I relate somewhat. When you hear from a relative you have cut out of your life, there is always a part of you that questions if you are doing the right thing. Has she changed? Should I give her another chance ? What if I am making a terrible mistake by cutting her out of my life? It's hard to remember if it was really THAT bad...etc.

I am all for giving someone a second chance, no questions asked. But if they screw that up, I would only give another chance if there was a meaningful, sincere apology. Without some sort of self awareness, no way would I invite the crazy back into my life.



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Mellow Momma wrote:

Having just heard from DH's "egg donor", I can say I relate somewhat. When you hear from a relative you have cut out of your life, there is always a part of you that questions if you are doing the right thing. Has she changed? Should I give her another chance ? What if I am making a terrible mistake by cutting her out of my life? It's hard to remember if it was really THAT bad...etc.

I am all for giving someone a second chance, no questions asked. But if they screw that up, I would only give another chance if there was a meaningful, sincere apology. Without some sort of self awareness, no way would I invite the crazy back into my life.

 You know, I totally get that.  Last year I had a chance to "reconcile" with my family.  Turns out my definition of reconciliation was very different than theirs.  Theirs was more along the lines of humiliation.  That was that.  I extended an olive branch and they used a chain saw on it so there will never be any more chances.  But I don't sit around whining about how horrible they are.  They are what they are.  Let them go and have fun.  Birds of a feather and all that.  My answer to them would be, "Sorry, I have plans that week(end).  Can't make it.  Have fun without me."



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LW is only invited for the first 3 days?

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Southern_Belle


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Yeah. First 3 days. Sweet. I guess the LW could look at it as baby steps. She could stay in the shade and still enjoy seeing dad in the evening and at down times.

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Lawyerlady


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

LW is very judgmental about the step mom's behavior even though she has not seen her in 20 years in close quarters. I'm not saying the SM is not a sh*t or the LW's father. But give it a chance. Is the vaca with everyone under one roof of many different hotel rooms?

 I agree.  And part of her judgment was that she was horrible to her own kids.  But those kids seems to have no problem vacationing with her every year- so I have to wonder about that.  If she was that bad - why would they be doing that?



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Lawyerlady wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

LW is very judgmental about the step mom's behavior even though she has not seen her in 20 years in close quarters. I'm not saying the SM is not a sh*t or the LW's father. But give it a chance. Is the vaca with everyone under one roof of many different hotel rooms?

 I agree.  And part of her judgment was that she was horrible to her own kids.  But those kids seems to have no problem vacationing with her every year- so I have to wonder about that.  If she was that bad - why would they be doing that?

Maybe it's free and some people really like a freebie, no matter the price?  Or maybe those kids are Aholes as well.  There's a lot of them  you know! 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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But, sometimes in life, you don't need a "reconciliation". You can decide is there SOME semblance of a relationship to be had with Dad. Even if it is just spending a few days, having some fun and keeping the conversation light. What is past is over and what will be gained to hash up what cant' be undone? If you can go and just have a lighthearted attitude to have a bit of fun with Dad, then OK, maybe that is the thing to do. And, then if you want to delve into deeper issues later on, then do so, but I wouldnt' on this vacay. Sometimes you have to just start by laying down a few positive moments and memories to begin again.

As for the LW, she sounds a bit whiny with the ""I don’t enjoy due to my very pale skin (swimming, jet-skiing, sunbathing), it takes place at an inconvenient time, and while some casual time with my dad would be nice I don’t relish the thought of enduring my stepmother’s binge-drinking, rude questions, and general pestering of everyone.."""

OK, it's the beach. Get some sunscreen. But, if you HATE the beach that much, then certainly Don't Go. Sheesh. Yeah, it's "inconvenient". That is the time and date they picked and go. It it is "inconvenient", then don't go. It's their vacay, they get to pick the place and time and they extended an invite so if you dont' want to go then don't go. As for StepMom, you already know what she is like. So, you are now a grown up and not under her dominion, so you don't have to Bite on her bait. And, if she binge drinks, well, all the better and maybe she will spend a lot of time being passed out, lol.

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ed11563


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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

This is another ridiculous letter.

We do enjoy discussing things that are, or might be, ridiculous to us. 

 



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Mellow Momma wrote:

Having just heard from DH's "egg donor", I can say I relate somewhat. When you hear from a relative you have cut out of your life, there is always a part of you that questions if you are doing the right thing. Has she changed? Should I give her another chance ? What if I am making a terrible mistake by cutting her out of my life? It's hard to remember if it was really THAT bad...etc.

I am all for giving someone a second chance, no questions asked. But if they screw that up, I would only give another chance if there was a meaningful, sincere apology. Without some sort of self awareness, no way would I invite the crazy back into my life.

My thoughts exactly.

Personally, I would not go.  But I don't need Prudence's blessing either.



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Ohfour


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Don't go. There is no need to find out if a person has changed on a family vacation. It will not turn out well. Just sayin...

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Lawyerlady


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The thing is - if she needs to write a letter about this, and has been harboring resentment for 20 years, I have to wonder how much of the problems with the relationship were because she was a difficult, resentful teenager.

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Lawyerlady wrote:

The thing is - if she needs to write a letter about this, and has been harboring resentment for 20 years, I have to wonder how much of the problems with the relationship were because she was a difficult, resentful teenager.

 Maybe.  Maybe not.  Maybe the invitation has stirred up emotions and memories she doesn't want to re-live.  I would be more concerned that she is letting her sisters cause self-doubt in her decision-making.   She should just trust her instinct.



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