TOTALLY GEEKED!

Excellent advice. Some of the best I've seen in an advice column.

She reframes the discussion as a "you" problem, rather than a "her" problem--which it is.

You can't control other people. You can only accept the situation in the best way you can--or change what YOU can change about the situation.

Personally, I lived through this. And I learned something about myself. I cannot be with a guy who is best friends with a woman. She evidently can't either. Time for her to cut her losses and find someone who feels the same.

My best friends are guys. DH knows that there is absolutely nothing between me and them. One of them is an ex, who DH also befriended. Another, we joke about DH getting the "(Friend's Name) Bundle" when he married me. DH also befriended him. I've befriended DH's female friends too.

The only time I had a problem with a BF having a female friend was with one of my exes. Ex prioritized that female friend over our relationship and that pissed me off. Once, he cancelled a date night because the female friend needed help with her computer.

Nope, I would not put up with it. Not appropriate in my book.

This so much perpetuates the sexism in the world. I mean, we allow gay guys to be BFFs but straight guys are out for women. Men can tell their straight or gay male friends all about their spouses, but if it is a female, its wrong.

A guy wants to chat with his guy friend or meet up for drinks or a movie in a genre that they may have in common or go watch a sports game, but if a woman does that...watch out, she's after your man.

**** that. It is offensive that just because I have a vagina, I cannot control myself around my male friends.

My best friend is a guy, and that basically describes our friendship. We would never work as a couple, but make fantastic friends. If a boyfriend can't handle it, he needs to move on.

I have several guy friends and DH has several female friends. I have gone to dinner, movies, etc with my guy friends just as DH has with his female friends. It's just not a big deal. I go with Scott to movies DH doesn't want to see and he goes out with Charlotte to restaurants I don't like. Nothing scandalous about it.

I frankly don't care what others think it "looks like". It isn't their business and I don't answer to them. DH and I trust each other, I trust our friends, and I know none of us are interested in the other in a sexual way. These friends are some of the most supportive people we know in regards to our marriage.

The OP needs to decide if this is something she can live with or not. And she needs to act accordingly.

Ohfour wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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I have several guy friends and DH has several female friends. I have gone to dinner, movies, etc with my guy friends just as DH has with his female friends. It's just not a big deal. I go with Scott to movies DH doesn't want to see and he goes out with Charlotte to restaurants I don't like. Nothing scandalous about it.

I frankly don't care what others think it "looks like". It isn't their business and I don't answer to them. DH and I trust each other, I trust our friends, and I know none of us are interested in the other in a sexual way. These friends are some of the most supportive people we know in regards to our marriage.

The OP needs to decide if this is something she can live with or not. And she needs to act accordingly.

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Until that picture is snapped and put out all over the internet for everyone to see.  Pictures can be deceiving.  We chose not to risk that.   

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Risk of what?

So you base what you do on what others might think even if nothing is going on?

I could give a rip less what anyone else thinks.

Ohfour wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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So you base what you do on what others might think even if nothing is going on?

I could give a rip less what anyone else thinks.

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When it could cost us out livelihood?  Most definitely.  I am running for office next fall.  One picture could break my chances of winning.  Most of the people don't know about my marriage. 

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 I Understand what ohfour is saying.  the male friends  I can see where for some people being seen with someone else will be a bad thing.  For a lot of people in certain positions a innocent dinner with a friend of a different sex can start all kinds of rumors and ruin a persons reputation.    Of course I live in a small town and people do gossip and in the case of oh four, being in the public eye you need to be careful.  My husband wouldn't eat with a female co-worker by himself in our town but when they are on a business trip (it was not just him or her but other people went too, they just had a separate meeting) they went to eat together.

Mellow Momma wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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So you base what you do on what others might think even if nothing is going on?

I could give a rip less what anyone else thinks.

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 Exactly. I cannot control what others think of me. DH is quite used to managing his public appearance and it has never been an issue. If people snapped a picture of me eating dinner with Scott sitting across the table from me, what exactly would that prove? That I eat dinner? For all they know it could be a business meeting. I don't even know anyone that would think a thing of it.  I don't live my life based off of a fear of what others think of me. I cannot and I will not make everyone happy. I worry about making my family happy. Every one else is of no consequence to me. 

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 Not when they could directly effect my reputation...

Dona Worry Be Happy wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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So you base what you do on what others might think even if nothing is going on?

I could give a rip less what anyone else thinks.

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 Exactly. I cannot control what others think of me. DH is quite used to managing his public appearance and it has never been an issue. If people snapped a picture of me eating dinner with Scott sitting across the table from me, what exactly would that prove? That I eat dinner? For all they know it could be a business meeting. I don't even know anyone that would think a thing of it.  I don't live my life based off of a fear of what others think of me. I cannot and I will not make everyone happy. I worry about making my family happy. Every one else is of no consequence to me. 

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 Not when they could directly effect my reputation...

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 Thank God I am an unambitious farm girl with zero fvcks to give about my reputation. . .

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Reputation means EVERYTHING when running for office... 

I see both sides of this. If you are an unassuming person without a high profile job then no one is going to care about you or who you are out to eat with. But there are many high profile jobs or jobs that reputation plays into that it DOES make a difference. Politicians, pastors, and those in Hollywood come to mind right off the bat but I'm sure there are many others. It's definitely important to protect your reputation if you are a minister. But, with everything there is a price to pay.

And I have enough shenanigans to explain without one more...LOL!

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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I see both sides of this. If you are an unassuming person without a high profile job then no one is going to care about you or who you are out to eat with. But there are many high profile jobs or jobs that reputation plays into that it DOES make a difference. Politicians, pastors, and those in Hollywood come to mind right off the bat but I'm sure there are many others. It's definitely important to protect your reputation if you are a minister. But, with everything there is a price to pay.

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 In DH's line of work, reputation is the most important factor is getting a new job. He spends his days with teenage girls for heavens sake. If people don't trust him, he doesn't have a job.

However, seeing someone eat dinner with a person of the opposite sex would NEVER lead me to believe that person was having an affair. That would be the last thing I thought of. And if it is what people think when they see two people out - it says a lot more about the person who thinks it's scandalous than it does about the person eating dinner. Why would your mind even go there? If I see two people of the opposite sex eating dinner I am much more likely to wonder what they are having than what their sexual situation is. 

Mellow Momma wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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I see both sides of this. If you are an unassuming person without a high profile job then no one is going to care about you or who you are out to eat with. But there are many high profile jobs or jobs that reputation plays into that it DOES make a difference. Politicians, pastors, and those in Hollywood come to mind right off the bat but I'm sure there are many others. It's definitely important to protect your reputation if you are a minister. But, with everything there is a price to pay.

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 In DH's line of work, reputation is the most important factor is getting a new job. He spends his days with teenage girls for heavens sake. If people don't trust him, he doesn't have a job.

However, seeing someone eat dinner with a person of the opposite sex would NEVER lead me to believe that person was having an affair. That would be the last thing I thought of. And if it is what people think when they see two people out - it says a lot more about the person who thinks it's scandalous than it does about the person eating dinner. Why would your mind even go there? If I see two people of the opposite sex eating dinner I am much more likely to wonder what they are having than what their sexual situation is. 

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 Shrug.  I don't really care who does what or who thinks what.  All I'm saying is that's how gossip gets started.

Mellow Momma wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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I see both sides of this. If you are an unassuming person without a high profile job then no one is going to care about you or who you are out to eat with. But there are many high profile jobs or jobs that reputation plays into that it DOES make a difference. Politicians, pastors, and those in Hollywood come to mind right off the bat but I'm sure there are many others. It's definitely important to protect your reputation if you are a minister. But, with everything there is a price to pay.

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 In DH's line of work, reputation is the most important factor is getting a new job. He spends his days with teenage girls for heavens sake. If people don't trust him, he doesn't have a job.

However, seeing someone eat dinner with a person of the opposite sex would NEVER lead me to believe that person was having an affair. That would be the last thing I thought of. And if it is what people think when they see two people out - it says a lot more about the person who thinks it's scandalous than it does about the person eating dinner. Why would your mind even go there? If I see two people of the opposite sex eating dinner I am much more likely to wonder what they are having than what their sexual situation is. 

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Plus another thing...I live in a VERY VERY Conservative county.  It's RARE that I see someone I know out with a member of the opposite sex.  It just isn't done here... 

huskerbb wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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I see both sides of this. If you are an unassuming person without a high profile job then no one is going to care about you or who you are out to eat with. But there are many high profile jobs or jobs that reputation plays into that it DOES make a difference. Politicians, pastors, and those in Hollywood come to mind right off the bat but I'm sure there are many others. It's definitely important to protect your reputation if you are a minister. But, with everything there is a price to pay.

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 In DH's line of work, reputation is the most important factor is getting a new job. He spends his days with teenage girls for heavens sake. If people don't trust him, he doesn't have a job.

However, seeing someone eat dinner with a person of the opposite sex would NEVER lead me to believe that person was having an affair. That would be the last thing I thought of. And if it is what people think when they see two people out - it says a lot more about the person who thinks it's scandalous than it does about the person eating dinner. Why would your mind even go there? If I see two people of the opposite sex eating dinner I am much more likely to wonder what they are having than what their sexual situation is. 

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Plus another thing...I live in a VERY VERY Conservative county.  It's RARE that I see someone I know out with a member of the opposite sex.  It just isn't done here... 

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So, they are all gay there in very conservative country? 

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You know what I mean.  With the opposite sex that's NOT their spouse... 

huskerbb wrote:

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No one even dates?

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OK...since you like to pick apart...

 

I know of NO married people that would be seen out with someone of the opposite sex that's not a family member... 

Lindley wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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No one even dates?

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 She is talking about Married people

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You have to be real slow with him.  He doesn't seem to understand what the rest of us do... 

I get what ohfour is saying. A long time ago I went to the movies with my brother and we ran into some "friends" of his. Despite the fact that we look very similar and TOLD them that we were brother and sister, they had called his girlfriend before we got home to tell her that he was "at the movies with some girl."
People are terrible.

Ohfour wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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No one even dates?

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OK...since you like to pick apart...

 

I know of NO married people that would be seen out with someone of the opposite sex that's not a family member... 

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 I see it all the time. People out for business reasons especially. It's a shame that some people only see sone thing nefarious when they see two people out. It would never occur to me that there would be shenanigans going on. And if there WERE shenanigans, that isn't my business either. 

Mellow Momma wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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No one even dates?

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OK...since you like to pick apart...

 

I know of NO married people that would be seen out with someone of the opposite sex that's not a family member... 

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 I see it all the time. People out for business reasons especially. It's a shame that some people only see sone thing nefarious when they see two people out. It would never occur to me that there would be shenanigans going on. And if there WERE shenanigans, that isn't my business either. 

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 Me, too.  It would be sexist for me to take out male business associates for lunch, and not any female ones. 

It all depends on where you live. My husband does take out femaile clients but he will take his vice president too. He is also a Deacon at our Church and we live in a small town. Wouldn't be a big deal in a larger city.