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ed11563


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Mourners welcome any loving expression of sympathy
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Mourners welcome any loving expression of sympathy

By Rabbi Marc Gellman, Tribune Content Agency,
God Squad
Posted 07/07/2015 at 2:00 pm EST

Q: Just yesterday, my daughter's friend gave birth to a baby who died immediately. The parents were medically prepared for this event due to a genetic problem that was present, but no one is ever prepared emotionally. Other than generic words of comfort, is there a good way to pay respect to little ones and their parents, especially from long distance? Should it be in writing or by phone? -- V., Miller Place, N.Y.

A: My experience with mourners is that any expression of sympathy, however generic, is appreciated. I encourage you to call or write this mother a note of condolence. If writing to a stranger about such a tragedy seems inappropriately intimate to you, ask your daughter about charities her friend supports and make a donation in honor of her deceased child.

If the child died of a particular disease, funding research to prevent other children from suffering and dying from the same problem is a noble act and avoids feigned intimacy. If the parents are Catholic, a Mass card is an appropriate commemoration of an unanticipated passing. Flowers and food are always possibilities, although I'm not a big fan of living things or sweet things when all the world seems dead and sour.

Beyond your particular question about mourning the death of an infant, these are some of the hard-learned lessons I've taken into my soul from mourners who were either understanding or upset about my attempts to comfort them:

I have an unfortunate professional habit of trying to explain things that cannot be explained. When my dear friend Tommy (Fr. Tom Hartman) was well, we were often called upon to appear on TV after some catastrophe and explain how a good God could have allowed such suffering. I told Tommy we were becoming what I called, "catastrophologists."

Such attempts at theodicy -- justifying God in the face of evil -- fall flat when brought into a house of mourning. The mourners don't want to hear some facile sermon about how their misery is really part of God's plan. What they want and desperately need is the simple and caring presence of friends, family and clergy in their time of brokenness. Silence is just fine. Explanations are almost always wrong.

Particularly galling are the death cliches. Don't say to the bereaved parents, "Your daughter is in heaven with God." This is true but it's usually not helpful. Mourners are not selfish, but at the beginning of their grief they're self-absorbed, and hearing some theological naif tell them that their little girl is with God -- and not them -- makes their pain more intense.

They may even suspect that the life of their child in heaven is easier than it was here on earth, but they're the ones stuck here and they're ones who are totally bereft. They are the ones who need healing now. Remember that heaven is not meant to be a compensation for life tragically cut short. Heaven is an act of eternal and saving love, mercy and grace.

"Don't worry. Everything will be all right." may be the worst of the worst death cliches. Mourners know -- and anyone mouthing this cliche must also know -- that everything will not be all right, if all right means that life before the death of their loved one will be completely restored, like replacing some broken piece of china.

What is true is that perhaps, in time, with prayer, love and courage, mourners will come through their grief work and construct a new life with new possibilities for joy and love. This new life will always be scarred by their loss, but may be good enough to offer hope.

God doesn't promise to protect us from evil, but to be with us in our journey through evil times into a truth that exists only at the far end of sorrow. This is why the best and only words of comfort I encourage are these four: "May God comfort you." It's not always the truth, but it can always become the truth.

The best non-religious wisdom about death I've ever read are these sentiments from the great poet Mary Oliver:

"To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing that your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go."

May God comfort your daughter's friend and family.

(Send QUESTIONS ONLY to The God Squad via email at godsquadquestion@aol.com.)


(c) 2015 THE GOD SQUAD. DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC.
 
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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I think what most people want to know is that yes, your child mattered. That child's life, no matter how brief mattered. That child touched the lives of others.

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lilyofcourse


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I have two friends who lost their babies at birth.

I told them I was sorry and asked them to tell me all about their baby. They told me about the labor and delivery, about their little faces, how they smelled and feel in their arms.

We laughed and cried and laughed and cried.

They both told me later that no one else had done that. That when they brought up their baby, people would change the subject.

That has to hurt more than anything.



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flan327


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lilyofcourse wrote:

I have two friends who lost their babies at birth.

I told them I was sorry and asked them to tell me all about their baby. They told me about the labor and delivery, about their little faces, how they smelled and feel in their arms.

We laughed and cried and laughed and cried.

They both told me later that no one else had done that. That when they brought up their baby, people would change the subject.

That has to hurt more than anything.

 Yes, it does, and I only had a miscarriage. Not acknowledging our loss hurt.

flan



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Well, from an outsider's point of view I think people feel uncomfortable talking about the person that died because they don't want to "remind" the mourner of them. I think some people are afraid that to talk about the person too much would make the person that lost them too sad. And to make them more upset.

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lilyofcourse


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But the point is, no matter if you talk about them or not, that loss is still there. It doesn't hurt any more or less if you do or don't talk about it.

Death is as much a part of life as anything else.

Learning how to mourn, that it is ok, is something that has been lost I think.

Now it's like you are expected to be over it within a day or two.

I remember when I miscarried. I found out on Friday I was pregnant. On Monday I wasnt. I had been cramping and bleeding Sunday.

I got the "well at least it happened early and you didn't get too attached" speech from just about everyone.

What the crap! I had been planning that baby for months. I was attached to him before I was pregnant. He was my child.

I don't know. Just because the person is gone, it doesn't mean they never existed.

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Not even going there.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

Well, from an outsider's point of view I think people feel uncomfortable talking about the person that died because they don't want to "remind" the mourner of them. I think some people are afraid that to talk about the person too much would make the person that lost them too sad. And to make them more upset.

I understand that sentiment, NJN, but that it is far SADDER for someone mourning to have others pretend that their loved one just didn't exist.  That is far, far more painful.  It is comforting to run into someone and have them say, "oh, I was thinking about your brother and the how we used to go down to the creek together and catch frogs", etc.  When my brother died, there were people who just simply never spoke of him again.  That was far more painful for my mom.  Fortunately, a few of his best friends started coming down every week and would sit and chat with my mom about my brother.  I can't begin to tell you how healing that was for her.  And, if you meet someone and mention their loved one and they tear up or even cry, those are healing tears and you are doing them good to allow them to have that remembrance of their loved.  Please don't shy away from talking about the deceased.  People mostly want to know that their loved one mattered, and that their loved one touched the lives of others. 



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flan327


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NJN,

Your post reminded me of something:

The first anniversary of DH1's death was very hard. I was hoping my mom might call...Nope. I talked to my Dad a few days later, who told me that he HAD wanted to call, but Mom said no, they might "remind me" what day it was.

Yeah, cuz that is something I am totally going to forget.

flan

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Yes, the whole 'I don't want to remind" someone thing. You don't simply forget the person who died. You never forget. They were an important part of your life. We WANT to hear memories about them. When I met up with one of my girlfriend's from HS a couple months ago, she told me how my mom had impacted her life as a teen. I had no idea. She viewed my mom as the mother figure in her life cuz her own family was so so. It was heartwarming to hear.

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flan327


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Yes, the whole 'I don't want to remind" someone thing. You don't simply forget the person who died. You never forget. They were an important part of your life. We WANT to hear memories about them. When I met up with one of my girlfriend's from HS a couple months ago, she told me how my mom had impacted her life as a teen. I had no idea. She viewed my mom as the mother figure in her life cuz her own family was so so. It was heartwarming to hear.

Oh, it's typical of Mom. She always avoided unpleasant topics, because, ya know...if you ignore them, they just magically disappear...NOT!

flan 



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flan327 wrote:

NJN,

Your post reminded me of something:

The first anniversary of DH1's death was very hard. I was hoping my mom might call...Nope. I talked to my Dad a few days later, who told me that he HAD wanted to call, but Mom said no, they might "remind me" what day it was.

Yeah, cuz that is something I am totally going to forget.

flan

 Yeah, it's not about right or wrong.  This article is trying to explain why people say and do the things they do.  People just don't know what to say.  And let's be honest, right after someone dies if you bring that person up to the living chances are they will cry or be "upset".  A lot of people can't handle those feelings so they don't touch it.  They won't say anything so that they don't offend.  Again, it's not about right or wrong.  It's about why people do it.



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flan327


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You make a valid point. Everyone grieves differently.

flan

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The title of the article irks me. How many articles have I read lately that were along the lines of "50 things not to say after a miscarriage" or "75 things not to tell someone who just suffered a loss" or such. People get offended no matter what you do or say so I think sometimes people just ignore the issue.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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That's true too. I think that if someone expresses sympathy or condolences, no matter how awkward, that you need to take it in the manner it is intended and not assume the worst.

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Mellow Momma


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Exactly! Not everyone is going to be able to articulate their sympathy the way the mourner would like it to be articulated. The world is just not that perfect. If someone makes a comment that seems a little out of touch, appreciate that they tried, and move on. It doesn't help to dwell on all the things people could have said or done differently.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Mellow Momma wrote:

Exactly! Not everyone is going to be able to articulate their sympathy the way the mourner would like it to be articulated. The world is just not that perfect. If someone makes a comment that seems a little out of touch, appreciate that they tried, and move on. It doesn't help to dwell on all the things people could have said or done differently.

I agree, but that doesn't mean people can't learn.  If someone loses their child, you don't go in and commiserate that you have lost your pet hamster.    I think we can all learn to be better human beings, the learning should never stop. 



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