Dear Prudence, I live in a close-knit community, and my husband and I are, or were, close friends with a couple who live in our apartment building. We are all in our late 50s. In our community there is a single mother with an 11-year-old daughter, and many of us are friends with the mother. The husband of the couple who lives in our building offered to be a father figure for the 11-year-old because her father is not in the girl’s life. He tutored the girl in school subjects with which she was having trouble. One day the girl came to me and told me that while she was being tutored in “Mark’s” apartment, his wife had to go out. He then offered to read a book to her. He chose a book about teenagers’ changing bodies. He told her to sit on his lap, which she did, and they leafed through the book until they came to the parts about boys’ changing bodies, and there were drawings of boys’ erect penises and “Mark” asked her if she had ever seen an erect penis. After she told me this, I arranged for her to talk with an experienced social worker. The social worker is convinced that Mark did not molest her, and while what he did was clearly inappropriate, it is not reportable or prosecutable. I can’t get this scenario out of my head. My husband and I confronted this couple. They think that Mark has done nothing wrong and Mark’s wife is adamant that he didn’t do anything inappropriate. We no longer speak to them. When people in the community ask why we are no longer friends with them, we don’t know what to say. We have not told people about this situation, but do we have an obligation to warn other parents about this, or is it slander? They still want to be friends with us, and keep inviting us to go out with them. Help!
—Friend No More
Dear Friends, Obviously Mark’s mentoring was actually grooming. He’d been waiting for the day that his wife had to run some errands so he could proceed to lecture this little girl about male genitalia. It’s not hard to imagine what Mark has in mind for subsequent instruction. You are friends with the mother and you have taken the lead in getting this girl help. So now I hope you can convince the mother that her daughter has to tell this story to the police. You could offer to contact the special victims unit on their behalf—if your community has one—and start the reporting process. The social worker may be correct that nothing legally actionable has taken place, but it’s better to get the authorities involved as soon as possible. The police should pay a visit to Mark and his wife to find out what went on, while letting them know he’s on their radar and that a file has been opened (or possibly reopened). You should also ask the police about what can be done to keep other children safe from him. I wish you could hire a plane to fly a banner over your community warning parents about Mark’s tutoring service. But I agree that spreading this story could open you to potential liability, and even if you don’t name the girl her identity will be obvious, and her privacy needs to be taken into consideration. If people ask what happened to your friendship, you can say that unfortunately you and Mr. and Mrs. Mark had a falling out. It’s not clear from your letter whether Mark and his wife denied every part of the girl’s story, or just say that his actions were misconstrued. But you believe the child, so when they call again, explain that your friendship is over and they know why.
—Prudie
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Yeah, though I hate to say it, huskers right. Why call the police, no crime was committed. The fact that a report was filed is there, along with details should something come up.
It's up to the mom and the LW to talk to the girl about this guy and why she should stay from him. And find a different tutor.
ETA: It's not always someone else's job to protect us, we need to take reasonable efforts to protect ourselves and our loved ones.
-- Edited by ladyloonatic on Thursday 23rd of July 2015 08:20:59 PM
