DEAR ABBY: I am the 24/7 caregiver for my husband, "Earl." We were both widowed when we married nine years ago. His daughter, "Mindy," hasn't talked to her father for six years -- hasn't called, emailed or even sent a birthday card. If he tried calling her, she wouldn't pick up.
Recently, Earl had a serious health problem resulting in a colostomy bag. I take care of everything. When he called to tell Mindy, her husband answered the phone and said she wasn't home. When my husband told him about his health, the son-in-law said OK -- nothing more. Then Earl invited the whole family to come here. Again, the response was, "I don't know."
After Earl hung up, I said, "I think it's time Mindy came here to take care of you." (Six years ago she told my husband, "Dad, if you die first, I'll get that woman out of the house in three days!")
Abby, must I wait for this to happen or should I just pack my stuff and move out, leaving a vulnerable 88-year-old man alone? Mindy will put him in a nursing home and sell the house to pay off her credit card debt -- some of it, because the house isn't worth much money.
Earl says, "Don't leave me, I need you!" Well, what about me? Where is my life and my security? I'm getting older. If he lives another 10 years, it will take a toll on my health, and I'll be moving?
Should I seek compensation for my caregiving? I pay all my own expenses. I don't pay rent. That was the main concern from his relatives when we got married. I was a widow and had a job and a condo, which I sold. I put the money in the bank and used cash to pay for a new car, a computer, a wheelchair for my husband, etc.
Don't I have to plan for my future in my old age? Or should I leave it up to God and hope He takes me before my husband? I need your advice. -- WORRIED WIFE IN FLORIDA
DEAR WORRIED WIFE: You're right to be concerned about your future. That's why, before making any decisions, it is important you consult a lawyer and learn what your rights are as a wife in the state of Florida. You should not have to worry about being thrown out into the street because Earl's daughter has money problems and is looking to cash in. If you love your husband, your place is beside him for as long as the good Lord allows.
I feel so sorry for this man, those who should love him and be there for him are selfish tooles. I can see why his wife is worried about her future but to abandon him is so sad to me. They should see a lawyer while he is still able and get a will.
I feel so sorry for this man, those who should love him and be there for him are selfish tooles. I can see why his wife is worried about her future but to abandon him is so sad to me. They should see a lawyer while he is still able and get a will.
The thing is, he can do something about his wife's security, he could write in a will that she gets to stay in the house or something such as that. The daughter is obviously ticked off that any sort of inheritance is in jeopardy.
This is similar to my father's predicament a few years ago when his wife passed. The house she lived in was given to her by her in laws but had restrictions on it that the house would be passed on to her kids (In law's grandchildren). When she passed, Dad was told to leave. Luckily, I anticipated it and had him move in with me.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
He probably does need to go to the nursing home. She doesn't say how old she is, but if he's 88, assuming he's not Johnny Carson and married to someone 40 years younger than he is, it's safe to assume she's no spring chicken and may not be physically able to care for him much longer, anyway.
As to the house, the daughter can't sell it and get the money if the father is still alive even if it is in his name. The nursing home will take it unless he has substantial other assets to pay for such care.
Whether or not she can stay in the house--well, that's where the lawyer comes in.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Also, sheesh, she married a dude who was SEVENTY-NINE at the time. Did she think he was never going to have health issues at that age?
That's exactly what I was thinking. How do you marry someone at age 79 and not anticipate having to care for him in the near future? He was past his life expectancy when they got married!
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Also, sheesh, she married a dude who was SEVENTY-NINE at the time. Did she think he was never going to have health issues at that age?
That's exactly what I was thinking. How do you marry someone at age 79 and not anticipate having to care for him in the near future? He was past his life expectancy when they got married!
I know plenty of people who are seemingly very healthy at 79, but a year or three can make a HUGE difference at that age whereas a person of 40 or 50 that is usually not the case.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
He probably does need to go to the nursing home. She doesn't say how old she is, but if he's 88, assuming he's not Johnny Carson and married to someone 40 years younger than he is, it's safe to assume she's no spring chicken and may not be physically able to care for him much longer, anyway.
As to the house, the daughter can't sell it and get the money if the father is still alive even if it is in his name. The nursing home will take it unless he has substantial other assets to pay for such care.
Whether or not she can stay in the house--well, that's where the lawyer comes in.
I agree. If he can't take care of himself then he should go into a home. That's life. But, I think a trip to the lawyer is in order to shore up his will and any details that might affect her if he passes and vice versa.
Yeah I don't think the daughter can do anything . It's her house ... They are married . But for all we'd know he could be an unbearable Arse that refused to take care of himself and she doesn't want to be his drudge. You never know.
