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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Prudie: Do I Have to Watch Special Needs Adopted Sister?
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Prudie: Do I Have to Watch Special Needs Adopted Sister?
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Dear Prudie,
 My sister and I are both married with young children. Our mother, who lives near us, is almost 60 and has physical disabilities due to chronic pain. She is also flighty, stubborn, and tends not to make rational decisions. In recent years she has started supplementing her income by being a foster parent and has become very dedicated, sometimes having four high-needs children at a time. Last year she adopted one of them, “Cindy.” My sister and I were skeptical about this. Also, my mother’s sister has an affluent lifestyle, which my mother would like to emulate. So, soon Mom will leave on a three-week European vacation with her sister. The state will provide temporary housing for the foster kids and a week or so of respite care for Cindy. For the rest of the time, my mom wants me to take Cindy. Cindy has been hospitalized for acute psychiatric care recently, and my mother has had to call the police because of Cindy’s destructive behavior and threats to herself and others. My sister refuses to help my mother, saying that she won’t enable her bad decisions. My husband has also said that he will not agree to allow Cindy to stay with us, although I think I could insist. My mother is getting resentful of my sister and me and says she will try to line up a string of people to keep Cindy for a day or two. My heart breaks for this child who is bearing the brunt of an adult’s bad decision-making, and I am feeling guilty. How I can reconcile my own family’s needs, the needs of my adopted sister, and my relationship with my mother?

—The Good Daughter/Sister/Mother/Wife

Dear Good,
 I know there aren’t enough people in the world who want to adopt older, severely needy children. But how did an older, severely needy adult get approved to be the adoptive parent of one? Poor Cindy! You’re right, she is the victim—a lifetime victim—in all this, but I understand why your husband does not want this potentially dangerous girl in your home with your own children. Tragically, your mother sounds like exactly what Cindy, and the foster children, don’t need: a do-gooder who ends up doing bad because she’s erratic and incapable. If your mother wants to be paid for her altruistic impulses, it would be better if she worked at some kind of institution for troubled children, where her responsibilities would be limited. You need to have a blunt discussion with your mother, telling her that as much as she needs and deserves a break, she can’t do it at the expense of the children. She needs to arrange a stable situation for Cindy while she’s away, and if she can’t, then she needs to cut her trip short. I also think you should give your mother warning that you want to talk to the social services agency about how overwhelmed she is. Then you and your sister should contact this agency and tell them you are deeply concerned that your mother doesn’t have the physical or mental capacity to cope with high-needs children, and that you are also worried about Cindy’s future. Explain that as your mother ages, and her condition worsens, neither of you is able to take in your adopted sister, and that both of you fear that even now Cindy’s behavior is becoming more than your mother can handle.

 

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/07/dear_prudence_classic_vacation_advice_from_recent_years.2.html



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FNW


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I'm not sure I agree with Prudie. I don't think they should turn their mother in. They already know their mother and her living situation, and seem to be okay with it. And this isn't what the LW was asking. She wants affirmation that her refusal to take in the violent child does not make her a bad person. And she's not, IMO.

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huskerbb


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I completely agree with Prudie. The mother is erratic and unstable. They can't do anything about the child she has adopted, already, but they can possibly prevent more.

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Lawyerlady


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FNW wrote:

I'm not sure I agree with Prudie. I don't think they should turn their mother in. They already know their mother and her living situation, and seem to be okay with it. And this isn't what the LW was asking. She wants affirmation that her refusal to take in the violent child does not make her a bad person. And she's not, IMO.

 I agree with this.



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