"We are completely left out of the dating picture."

"So just recently I went out on a Match.com date, and it was fantastic," begins Dr. Danielle Sheypuk in her TEDx Talk.

If you've ever been on a bunch of Match.com dates, that opening line might make you do a double take. How does one get so lucky?!

Not Dr. Sheypuck's actual date. Photo by Thinkstock.

But don't get too jealous. Things quickly went downhill two dates later, as most Match.com dates ultimately do. This time, however, the reason may not be something that you've ever experienced. Intrigued? I was too. So here's the story.

Dr. Sheypuck is a pretty amazing woman.

Gorgeous! Photo from Dr. Sheypuk's Instagram account, used with permission.

She's a licensed clinical psychologist, an advocate, and a model — among other things. She's also been confined to a wheelchair since childhood. And that last fact is what did her recent date in.

On their third date over a romantic Italian dinner, Sheypuk noticed that he was sitting farther away from her than usual. And then, out of nowhere, he began to ask the following questions:

"I've been thinking, how are you gonna be a mother? How are you gonna do the duties that's gonna be required of you? And even as wife — how ... I'm not sure how this is gonna work."

Used to this line of inquiry, she had the perfect quippy reply: "Well that's simple: I'm just gonna hire someone like every other New Yorker."

I mean, what's not to get?! GIF from "Scrubs."

But despite her witty answer, he'd already made up his mind. She never heard from him again.

"I tried to convince myself that this was like any other relationship, but deep down I knew the reality. Who wants to date someone in a wheelchair?"

Dr. Sheypuk knows that that single question is evidence of a really serious problem —not just on the dating scene, but in society in general.

Society has factored out an entire group of potential romantic partners: people with disabilities.

Photo courtesy of Danielle Sheypuk.

In her words:

Or maybe it's a conclusion drawn form mainstream porn where we have actors performing, like, gymnastic stunts with the stamina that none of us have of bucking broncos and jackrabbits."

Um, yes. So much yes. She continues:

"The silent message: The more in shape your body, the better the sex. The unspoken conclusion: If you have a disability, you are too sick to have sex.

The silent message: The more in shape your body, the better the sex. The unspoken conclusion: If you have a disability, you are too sick to have sex.

"Now let's look at the continuum in our society where sexual is measured. On the one hand, we have humans that are the ultimate sex appeal object. So on that end, we have Victoria Secret models, Playboy centerfolds, people like that.

On the complete opposite end, we have people with physical disabilities. And it seems like the more we deviate from this ultimate sex icon, the more desexualized we become, the more taboo the topic, and the more damaging the consequences.

Now, for most people there are quick fixes, right? We have Hair Club for Men, Botox, Spanx, butt implants. But for people with disabilities, there are no quick fixes. There is no magic pill."

"And we are hit hard."

Watch the rest of Dr. Sheypuk's talk to hear her important insights about what dating and relationships are like when a person has a disability — and how much of society is limiting itself.

She talks about a guy on Tinder who asked her if she was capable of having sex (her answer is funny), why people with disabilities can have sexual experiences that are even better than those of able-bodied folks, and more.

Danielle Sheypuk: So just recently I went out on a Match.com date, and it was fantastic. We like the same things, we like the movies at the Angelica, unknown restaurants, Central Park, he had a job, a career, a graduate degree and the first date was fabulous. Soup dumplings, . . . beer, chemistry flying all over the place.

By the third date, I thought I was off the hook. I got my hopes up. I was thinking, this could be the one, this is the third date, this could be the one. When over an intimate dinner at a sweet Italian bistro in the lower east side I noticed he was sitting further away from me than usual. And then the questions started.

I've been thinking, how are you gonna be a mother? How are you gonna do the duties that's gonna be required of you? And even as wife, how, I'm not sure how this is gonna work.

And I said, well that's simple, I'm just gonna hire someone like every other New Yorker.

That was the last time I heard from him.

I tried to convince myself that this was like any other relationship, but deep down I knew the reality. Who wants to date someone in a wheelchair?

Sex is one of the basic drives of humanity. Sigmund Freud proposed that human organisms are born with drives, and one of those is sex, and if this drive is not met, a negative state of tension occurs. Therefore, dating and relationships rank very high in life's priorities.

But this priority is much, much more complex for someone with a disability. So even though I'm the total catch, my Match.com is multiple times more likely to date than me because he doesn't have a physical, visible disability.

Now this is interesting because even though he has a lot more experience under his belt, you know, notches on the bed post, he is probably not going to report a lot of satisfaction in this area. Now, I am, this is not my opinion. Look . . .

People are not having good sex. Married people aren't having sex with each other. And peopel aren't happy with their relationships. Now, what if, this is because we are factoring out an entire amazing group of potential romantic partners, and that group is people with disabilities?

We are completely left out of the dating picture. Society, media included, seems to ignore the fact that we have the same emotional needs and desires as everyone else. Is this injustice born out of the concept of the poster child and his or her duty to induce pity to raise money? Or maybe it's a conclusion drawn form mainstream porno where we have actors performing, like, gymnastic stunts with the stamina that none of us have of bucking broncos and jackrabbits.

The silent message: The more in shape your body, the better the sex. The unspoken conclusion: If you have a disability, you are too sick to have sex.

Now let's look at continuum in our society where sexual is measured. On the one hand, we have humans that are the ultimate sex appeal object. So on that end we have Victoria Secret models, Playboy centerfolds, people like that. On the complete opposite end, we have people with physical disabilities. And it seems like the more we deviate from this ultimate sex icon, the more desexualized we become, the more taboo the topic, and the more damaging the consequences.

Now, for most people there are quick fixes, right? We have Hair Club for Men, Botox, Spanx, butt implants. But for people with disabilities, there are no quick fixes. There is no magic pill. And we are hit hard.

We begin dating and experience our first sexual experience much, much later than the general population. We are less likely to get married, and we'll report fewer sexual experiences overall, if any.

When I was at the Miss Wheelchair USA pageant, because I was Miss Wheelchair New York too, I remember a conversation with a contestant there, and she said, "You know, like, I don't really get your platform. I mean like, you just have to love yourself, like, if you just love yourself and your body, then the rest, it's so easy to find a date, the rest will come easy."

Um, like, no. No. Society's misconceptions and inaccurate assumptions are the largest obstacle that we face in this area with a disability, and let me tell you, it is the size of Mt. Everest. 'Asexual. Not able to have sex. Not able to have good sex. Can't be a wife. Can't be a mother. Weak. Infertile. Can't be a good father.'

I remember on Tinder a guy asked me, and of course this was in his second line of conversation, "Can you have sex?" I said, "Can you?"

I had a patient who was about in her 30s and she was in a wheelchair and identified as a lesbian, and it was so easy for her to stay in the closet because, I mean come on, people didn't even think she was sexual, nevermind a lesbian, like wow, that didn't even, that would blow their minds. We take these negative stereotypes and we internalize them because that's what we do as humans.

If you hear it enough, if we're rejected enough, you believe it. And I mean, how could I not? Here I am on my third date with my . . . a dress that left very little to the imagination, and I didn't stand a chance. Why? Because he could not imagine how I could do it.

Media also plays a big role here in the way people with disabilities are treated in this area. We're completely left out. Rarely do you see us in TV commercials, ad compaigns, anything in the beauty and fashion industry. The message: You do not belong here. Your body is too abnormal, too crooked, too not nice, and therefore you can't sell our product. Sex sells, and you are not sexy.

Now, including peopel with disabilities into advertising make economic sense. I mean, there's a ton of us. Huge. And we have money, a lot of it. And we wanna spend it. If Match.com just used one ad with a couple in a wheelchair, one ad, one ad, they could normalize this topic for millions, and also tap into this very lucrative market.

Now, this makes economic sense for you too. If we open our minds to the fact that we can include people with disabilities into our dating pools, we will increase our sex lives and improve our romantic relationships. In my private therapy practice, I focus on a couple key concepts that I really want to share.

First, and foremost, I talk about 'self esteem versus dateable self esteem.' Dateable self esteem is a term that I came up with to address a phenomenon that I frequently see in people with disabilities. And that's the fact that we do love ourselves. We have fabulous social circles, great careers, and loving families. But when it comes to our self esteem, our dateable self esteem, it's in the gutter. It takes a hit.

Now let me ask you to look at your levels of dateable self esteem. Could they be unfairly influenced by what others may think of you if your date is on wheels? Or what if your date's a little too short? Or what if your date is a little overweight?

Many times, so many times, I hear, "I've never dated someone in a wheelchair, how does that work?" Okay, let me put this in perspective. Do you ever hear, "I've never dated someone Asian before, how does that work?" Or, "I've never dated someone Catholic before, how does that work?" So, clearly, I'm not going to give you some magic answer here, some algorithm I came up with in my private therapy practice. You just go on the date, you go on the date, you see if there's chemistry. Do my quirks match with his? No special attention needs to be paid. Are we having fun together? It's that simple.

I also work with my clients on feeling sexy, and taking the focus off the disability, per se. One time I asked the client, "So what do you find sexy about yourself?" And I was expecting a quick answer. She looked at me, looked down, thought about it, looked up, and said, "You know, I don't know. I've never thought about that before."

So think about it. What do you find sexy about yourself? Is it something that you truly do find sexy about yourself? Or is it something that you've been told by someone else that's sexy about you.

People with disabilities, it's not that we're not sexy, it's just we haven't been told yet. And an interesting paradox, a really interesting paradox, although people with physical disabilities we're often considered to have severe limitations around sex, we are actually having sexual experiences not bound by the constraints of what sex 'should' be.

How about you? How about all those times that you can say, "Yeah, I succesfully had sex the way I'm supposed to have sex." And you left feeling completely and utterly disappointed. Imagine what it would be like if you could have sex outside of the normal experience, something that never even entered your wildest imaginations. What we're seeing here is a population that, because of our physical situations, is great at thinking creatively. We pay attention to the details. We strategize. And these are tools that we've developed because we have learned to navigate a world that's not always meant for a wheelchair.

I have a client who told me, "You know, we think in millimeters." How exquisitely intimate would it be if we all thought in millimeters in the bedroom? What would that orgasm be like if we used an eyelash, a breath, or the intrigue of a situation that we never thought could be sexual.

So, not that long ago, it wasn't cool to be gay. And before that, it wasn't okay to be black. Now big is beautiful, interracial dating is fantastic, and gay marriage is legal. Now, it is glamorous to date someone with a physical disability. Dating and romance have taken on a new tone, and we are free to create a great sexual experience, and free to experience sex with anybody.

There may be small errors in this transcript.

About:

Original video featuring Dr. Danielle Sheypuk by TedxBarnardCollege. Thumbnail image provided to me by Dr. Sheypuk.

Topics:

• Diversity and Equality

Published:

Jul 22, 2015