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Son abandoned by his birth parents confronted his biological mother
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How son abandoned by his birth parents after a bacterial infection left a gaping hole in his face tracked down and confronted his biological mother 38 years later

  • Howard Shulman was born with a severe facial deformity in New Jersey
  • He became a ward of the state after his parents abandoned him 
  • For the first three years he lived in a hospital surrounded by nurses
  • Then he was bounced around homes in the foster care system 
  • Almost 40 years after he was deserted by his family, he tried to track them
  • He found his birth mother, called her and then arranged to meet in a diner 
  • She insists she has no regrets and 'did what she had to'  

By Wills Robinson For Dailymail.com

Published: 20:00 EST, 12 August 2015 | Updated: 02:51 EST, 13 August 2015

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From the moment he was born, Howard Shulman was considered an outcast. 

A bacterial infection ravaged his face, leaving a gaping hole where his nose, lower right eyelid, tear ducts, lips, and palate would have been.

 

His parents, unable to cope with their son's deformity, left him in the hands of the state and he spent the rest of his childhood in foster care.

Almost 40 years later, after hundreds of painful operations, he is a married entrepreneur living in San Diego and has two stepdaughters.

And, despite the heartbreak of losing his parents as a child, he has revealed in a new book how he tracked his mother down and confronted her. 

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Howard Shulman was born with a severe facial deformity in New Jersey. He was abandoned by his parents as a child and destined to a childhood in foster homes. After 40 years he tracked down and confronted his mother
 
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Howard Shulman was born with a severe facial deformity in New Jersey. He was abandoned by his parents as a child and destined to a childhood in foster homes. After 40 years he tracked down and confronted his mother

In Running from the Mirror, he describes first contacting his mother after watching a TV commercial aimed at 'finding loved ones'. He paid $50 for information and eventually reached his biological mother.

After speaking on the phone, the pair arranged to meet at a deli. There his mother admitted to him she couldn't handle the medical attention their son would need, but at the same time insisted she had no regrets.

When he was born he was made a ward of New Jersey.

After spending his first three years in hospital, he was moved to his first foster home in Morristown with Ed and Shirl Mackey, where he remained until he was 16. 

While going under the knife every so often, he went from the home of a German woman who could barely look after him to a Jewish family - where he only lasted a week.

He then stayed with Vito and Mary Signorelli in the Bronx, New York, close to where he was having surgeries. It would be his last home before he turned 18, and would have to go out into the world on his own. 

Twenty years after leaving the foster care system he found himself watching From Here to Eternity. 

He wrote: 'Just as I was drifting off, a commercial roused me: "Find your long lost loved ones! Call now! 1-800-SEARCH".'

 

'Half asleep, I fumbled for the remote and turned up the sound as smiling men, women, and children ran toward each other across the screen. Radiant with joy, they embraced in a meadow of wildflowers, the empty void in their hearts filled. "Call now and find that special someone today!"

'I scrambled to find a pen and jotted down the number.'

I had never intended to track down my birth parents. Apart from desperate times in childhood when I had ached for my birth mother, I had mentally banished her and my father from my life. My attitude was, if they didn’t care enough to seek me out, to hell with them 

The following day he called the number, handed over his personal information, $50 on a credit card and was told he would have to wait six weeks to hear anything back. 

He added: 'I had never intended to track down my birth parents. Apart from desperate times in childhood when I had ached for my birth mother, I had mentally banished her and my father from my life. 

'My attitude was, if they didn’t care enough to seek me out, to hell with them. 

'But now, with that one call, I began to imagine my parents. What would they be like? How would they react to my contacting them? 

'Did my mother have an emotional breakdown over my disfigurement? Had it psychologically incapacitated her? Had my father forced the decision to abandon me? A “him or me” ultimatum?

 

Weeks later he received the letter with a list of phone numbers for Shulmans in New Jersey. Knowing his parents were called Leonard and Sarah, he concentrated on the 'L's and 'S's.

On the third set of details, he got the response he had been waiting for. 

A woman on the other end of the phone said: 'Yes? I’m Sarah.'

To which Howard replied: 'I think you may be my birth mother.' 

 

 

After that he began to hear muffled tears. He then heard a whisper: 'I always knew you would call.'

She asked Howard what his life had been like - whether he was married or had children - but failed to mention his deformity. Sarah then informed him his father had died. 

It was then he said: 'Why did you give me up?' After a long pause she tried to explain: 'I couldn't handle it.' 

 

Without giving him a straight answer they went on to the topic of whether he had any siblings. 

Sarah revealed he had an older brother, David, a sister Linda and a younger brother Joseph - all of whom new about Howard. 

He then asked if they could meet face-to-face. Despite some trepidation, he arranged to meet at a deli in New Jersey.

Howard describes how he arrived in a taxi, walked in between the tables and found a petite woman sitting on one of the benches. 

Describing the encounter he writes: 'Sarah? I heard myself ask.'

Mr Shulman now lives in San Diego with his wife and two step daughters. He started out a dishwasher when he came out of the foster care system but is now an entrepreneur 
 
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Mr Shulman now lives in San Diego with his wife and two step daughters. He started out a dishwasher when he came out of the foster care system but is now an entrepreneur 

Did my mother have an emotional breakdown over my disfigurement? Had it psychologically incapacitated her? Had my father forced the decision to abandon me? A 'him or me' ultimatum 

'Yes?'

'I’m Howard.'

'Yes, I know.'

'How could she not? With her eyes absorbing my face, I could barely follow what she was saying. We tentatively shook hands.

'Facing Sarah, I settled myself in the booth and took measure of the stranger sitting across from me. Tired and drawn, with deep shadows under her eyes, she betrayed her studied composure by nervously fidgeting with her coffee cup.

'“You look good,” she said, her voice quavering.'

He then asked again why she gave him up, to which she responded: 'I thought it would be best for you that you start over with a new family.'

She went on to say how a lawyer the family had appointed to look after Howard told them he had been adopted and had moved to the Midwest. 

However he had not been given a new family and was growing up only a short distance from them in New Jersey. 

 

Mr Shulman has revealed the ordeals he has to go through in a new memoir: Running from the Mirror
 
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Mr Shulman has revealed the ordeals he has to go through in a new memoir: Running from the Mirror

They even discovered how he had been working as a dishwasher at a diner where Sarah and Leonard would often eat. 

The confrontation intensified and Sarah began to cry. He asked whether she had any regrets. Sarah replied: 'No, I don’t. I did what I had to.' 

'I felt no satisfaction in seeing her cry,' he writes. 'The woman who had been in control was gone, and in her place sat a pathetically guilt-ridden one, burdened by a lifetime of crushing denial. At that moment the depth of her distress suddenly struck me, and I apologized over and over, swearing to her that it had not been my intention to hurt her. My quest had gone from curiosity to attack — with an aging woman who could never defend her actions and could never dare to revisit the past.

'The table between us seemed to broaden as the distance between us grew, the air suddenly as stifling as our conversation. I made a feeble attempt to reach out to her. “I’m having a hard time understanding this, you know".'

They finished the meeting with a simple hand shake with seemingly little ties between them.  

Howard writes: 'Our meeting replaying in my head, I struck out towards home. I had poured my heart out, venting frustrations buried so deep I didn’t believe anything could ever have awakened them. 

'I had barely refrained from lashing out that she was a God-fearing, synagogue-attending, do-gooder, Jewish hypocrite, all of which would have served no purpose and would have done nothing for the anger I felt. 

'Emotionally and physically spent, I arrived at my apartment exhausted, taking no comfort from the thought that blocks away she was probably experiencing similar emotions. Sarah, too, I realized, had suffered her own torment. How had she always known I would call?



Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3195714/How-man-abandoned-birth-parents-infection-ate-half-face-confronted-birth-mother-38-years-later.html#ixzz3igomp47h
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Mother of the year.

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You know, I don't really find fault with her. She had a child she was unable to care for. The state paid all his medical bills.

What's the difference in what she did 40+ years ago and what happens now with the safe baby drop places?

She isn't a terrible person. She was a mom who did what she thought was best for her kid.

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Unable to cope with the deformity or unable to cope with the endless medical treatments? Or both? If a person can't handle a baby -we say they should give it up, so why villify someone when that's the choice they make? Is it because of the reason?

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I guess it was because of her demeanor when confronted. If she had apologized and said she thought about him every day, prayed for his well-being and dare I say, missed him, I might think differently. But she said she had no regrets. Yet, her body language said otherwise.

I hope this man received some closure.

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FNW wrote:

I guess it was because of her demeanor when confronted. If she had apologized and said she thought about him every day, prayed for his well-being and dare I say, missed him, I might think differently. But she said she had no regrets. Yet, her body language said otherwise.

I hope this man received some closure.

 So it would be better if she was wracked with guilt for decades?  That's what we want for people?  For them to regret the decisions that they thought best at the time?



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I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been - and she probably was wracked with guilt over it. And then to have this child she abandoned find her and verbally attack her and question her about it - the one person she can't really defend herself to. Even he admits how hard he was on her. That decision has likely haunted her since she made it, and now this confrontation with that adult child will haunt her. Exactly how many pounds of flesh is she required to give over a decision she can't take back, and doesn't sound like she would if she could?

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He had a right to lash out at her. She abandoned him to the state. It may have been a painful decision but it was hers to make. Now she needs to take her lumps for it. It sounds like they both left it at that & there was no further contact.

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Lexxy wrote:

He had a right to lash out at her. She abandoned him to the state. It may have been a painful decision but it was hers to make. Now she needs to take her lumps for it. It sounds like they both left it at that & there was no further contact.

So, is that what all children who are given up should be able to do?  Hunt down their birth parents and yell at them?  She said they had hired a lawyer to look after him and the lawyer told them he was adopted. 

Giving up a child for whatever reason cannot ever be easy - but it is an option that we want available to people if they can not handle raising the child - whatever the reason. 



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That was my thought as well, lexxy.

This woman did not give him up for adoption. She did not lay him on the steps of a church she knew would take him in. She abandoned him to the state. Like unwanted property.

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FNW wrote:

That was my thought as well, lexxy.

This woman did not give him up for adoption. She did not lay him on the steps of a church she knew would take him in. She abandoned him to the state. Like unwanted property.

 Safe harbors are churches, police stations, fire houses, and HOSPITALS.  And any baby that is given up could be characterized as the same thing - so are you villifying all people who take advantage of that option?  Would it be better to keep them when you don't want them?



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You know, in the 70's, and I assume that is when he was born, medical care costs for those deformities were out of reach of most and I doubt most private insurance policies covered them. The only way to get that help was to give the child up to the state because the state wouldn't help with the medical bills unless you signed the child over to them. Yeah, he felt abandoned his whole life, I don't blame him for that. But he got the medical care he needed. And he live with one family for the first 16 years of his life. He doesn't talk about that home life. I wonder why? Perhaps he was more focused on being angry. I don't know how I would feel in the same situation.

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I was curious about the 16 years family, too. I wonder why he left? He does sound like a very angry man, and understandably so.

LL, it was a tough situation for the mother, for sure. I would like to hear her version of the events, too.

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The mother admitted she couldn't handle the medical attention he would need, and yet the article attempts to characterize it as her not being able to handle his deformity - that's not what she said. We don't know exactly what that means because it isn't addressed in the article - it's very one sided. But that type of medical help would not have been available to the average family back then. And if turning your kid over to the state was the only way he would get the medical attention he needed - would you regret it?

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Does turning them over to the state so they will receive medical care permit them to keep in touch? Or keep track of him? I don't know. I see that she hired an attorney to "look after" him, and he gave her misinformation. At what point was this lawyer hired, and why did he mislead her? But what proof did he provide? I still would be interested in hearing her version.

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Yes I would like to hear her version too.

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FNW wrote:

Does turning them over to the state so they will receive medical care permit them to keep in touch? Or keep track of him? I don't know. I see that she hired an attorney to "look after" him, and he gave her misinformation. At what point was this lawyer hired, and why did he mislead her? But what proof did he provide? I still would be interested in hearing her version.

 You can't judge the situation from 40+ years ago to today's society.  Things are drastically different today.

 

I have a now 50 YO cousin was was born mentally handicapped, although my Aunt and Uncle didn't know that until she was about 2 and noticed a huge difference is motor skills between my cousin and my bro who is 6 months younger.  She was born in 1965.  They had some money to do everything they could for her to help her but as she hit 18, and the realization they were aging and would not be able to take care of her for much longer, they sought out social services.  They had to give her up so she would qualify for disability but also so she could be placed with a family that would care for her long after my Aunt and Uncle were gone.  They were lucky to live in a small town so were able to have a say in which family was chosen.  That family still has her, they took her in when they were a young couple, not much older than my cousin.  They've had their ups and downs, but regardless, my cousin has been well cared for.  All her siblings see her once a month although my cousin doesn't get the whole sibling relationship thing, she views them as just an occasional visitor.  And she seems happy.  She probably won't live that much longer, it will be sad when she passes.  It's sad because it is not wise for us to go see her and treat her as we would any other family member since she doesn't have the capacity to deal with that.  Her memory is nearly non existent and if she doesn't see you every day, she doesn't know you.

I know my story is not similar to the one in the article, but it is insight into what people had to do 40 years ago to ensure their children received the medical care they so much needed.



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I have a very difficult time blaming any woman who chooses to give up her child because she doesn't think she can handle being their parent. Admitting that, knowing it, and doing it must be very difficult. And if we want adoption to be the viable choice over abortion, we cannot villify the women who give thier kids up - whatever the reason.

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Lawyerlady wrote:

I have a very difficult time blaming any woman who chooses to give up her child because she doesn't think she can handle being their parent. Admitting that, knowing it, and doing it must be very difficult. And if we want adoption to be the viable choice over abortion, we cannot villify the women who give thier kids up - whatever the reason.

 



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And let's think about it, if this was today, with all the ultra sounds, chances are she could have aborted him. Don't know that she would but that's a very real possibility.

In my opinion, he has wasted his life with this anger.



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LL I agree . Will go further and say I don't think she did anything horribly wrong .

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I am not sure that these kinds of things really end well. I mean, really, what explanation is there that is going to satisfy or give closure to an abandoned child? If she had wanted to find him, she no doubt could have. But, she didn't want too. That is really all the answer he needs isn't it? It isn't like there is going to be some great explanation that is going to make him feel right in his soul or make him right with her. I can understand wanting to seek out your bio parents. I am sure that I would be very curious as well. But, the reality is that she didn't want him with his deformities. So, that is the reality.

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