TOTALLY GEEKED!

Personally, I would not let her to go to college 3 hrs away from home. She hasn't demonstrated enough responsible behavior to have earned the right for me to fork over. I would make her take the next year demonstrating that she can responsible in managing her own illness. Diabetes is nothing to play around with. So, I would say, you can go to a local college and demonstrate adult responsibility in managing your illness, then if you do, you can transfer there next year.

The point of successful parenting is to launch a successful adult. She is 19 but not yet a successful adult. I define successful adult as one who can support themselves and is a good, caring person and citizen. The inability to take care of your own medical needs and wipe your own behind shows that she is still infantilized. Mom has one last shot here to go hardcore and really make her UNCOMFORTABLE to force her to take responsibility for herself.

huskerbb wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Personally, I would not let her to go to college 3 hrs away from home. She hasn't demonstrated enough responsible behavior to have earned the right for me to fork over. I would make her take the next year demonstrating that she can responsible in managing her own illness. Diabetes is nothing to play around with. So, I would say, you can go to a local college and demonstrate adult responsibility in managing your illness, then if you do, you can transfer there next year.

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That would depend on who is paying for college--but if it's mom, then yeah, that's a good plan.  If she's paying her own way, I don't see how it would work.   

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Well, I don't know too many 19 yr olds who can completely pay for college, living expenses, a car and on and on.  If she is able to do so, then have at it.  If I am paying ANY part of those things, then I have a say. 

So you force her to live at home? I've been a nurse for 17 years and I can tell you flat out that a person that doesn't want to be compliant won't be. Making her come home will just foster more anger and she will fight back by eating crappy when she's not home. I know everyone is going to say "Well, I don't want to fund their bad decisions." And that's fine but you'd have to kick her out on her own. She's 19, not 9, she will find her way to bad eating whenever she wants.

I have watched over the years as diabetics have had toes, feet, legs, and arms amputated due to non controlled diabetes. Even in a nursing home setting we can't take food away from them if they walk across the street to the corner store and buy it or their family brings it in. I have seen people eat themselves to death. Literally.

The best and only way to treat her is to tell her you love and you want her to be happy and healthy for a long time so she'll be around to spend time with. Offer to help if she struggles with a certain area of her diabetes. Like, if she can't afford to go to the gym get her a membership. Or if she has trouble planning meals you can help with that. Buy her some cooks books. Those are the only ways you will get through. But it has to be her wanting to change. Otherwise she won't. Most people have a come to jesus moment at some point and really do change. But there's a small percentage that will never ever ever care and will die doing everything they shouldn't be.

I agree NJN. YOu cannot help someone who simply will not help themselves. ANd, that is where I draw the line with my kids. I told them that I will help you "to the extent that YOU help yourself". If I care more about your grades, your health, your life than you do, then that is a problem.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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So you force her to live at home? I've been a nurse for 17 years and I can tell you flat out that a person that doesn't want to be compliant won't be. Making her come home will just foster more anger and she will fight back by eating crappy when she's not home. I know everyone is going to say "Well, I don't want to fund their bad decisions." And that's fine but you'd have to kick her out on her own. She's 19, not 9, she will find her way to bad eating whenever she wants.

I have watched over the years as diabetics have had toes, feet, legs, and arms amputated due to non controlled diabetes. Even in a nursing home setting we can't take food away from them if they walk across the street to the corner store and buy it or their family brings it in. I have seen people eat themselves to death. Literally.

The best and only way to treat her is to tell her you love and you want her to be happy and healthy for a long time so she'll be around to spend time with. Offer to help if she struggles with a certain area of her diabetes. Like, if she can't afford to go to the gym get her a membership. Or if she has trouble planning meals you can help with that. Buy her some cooks books. Those are the only ways you will get through. But it has to be her wanting to change. Otherwise she won't. Most people have a come to jesus moment at some point and really do change. But there's a small percentage that will never ever ever care and will die doing everything they shouldn't be.

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This was my mother with cigarettes. 

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Personally, I would not let her to go to college 3 hrs away from home. She hasn't demonstrated enough responsible behavior to have earned the right for me to fork over. I would make her take the next year demonstrating that she can responsible in managing her own illness. Diabetes is nothing to play around with. So, I would say, you can go to a local college and demonstrate adult responsibility in managing your illness, then if you do, you can transfer there next year.

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That would depend on who is paying for college--but if it's mom, then yeah, that's a good plan.  If she's paying her own way, I don't see how it would work.   

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Well, I don't know too many 19 yr olds who can completely pay for college, living expenses, a car and on and on.  If she is able to do so, then have at it.  If I am paying ANY part of those things, then I have a say. 

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 Yep.  And a 19 year old is not going to be paying for college on her own. 

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You don't know that.  I did it. My best friend did it.   

And that was years ago. These days it's next to impossible to get through college without parental support as the costs have risen to a much larger degree than ever before. Those who are the poorest fare well if they choose the right schools. But those in the middle (the majority of students) struggle even with what parental support they get.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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Exactly, and you need to realize you can only do so much. Plus, in this case, it would be hard for me. Is it a hill you want to die on? Because if you tell your daughter that you won't support her in any way, shape, or form because of her diagnosis and unless she takes care of it you may lose her. She may decide that she doesn't want a relationship with you. Then you won't ever have any sway in her life at all. I've literally seen this play out in many people's lives. It's a difficult line to walk.

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  I don't know what you mean, "hill to die on"?  If mom is concerned that she is irresponsible , then how would it serve the daughter to allow her to go to college several hours away?   

Yes, there is always a chance that your child is going to get mad at you for being a parent. And, yes you have to balance being a parent with being a parent to an ADULT. That is different than parenting a 2 yr old . But, the #1 goal of being a parent is to launch your child as a successful adult. Sending her away to college at this point, when she has not demonstrated the ability to handle herself is a disservice to her. You have to make hard choices as a parent. And, you don't have to scream, yell, lecture or threaten.

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

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Years ago a friend of mine had a daughter with anorexia. Throughout high school, the daughter was hospitalized numerous times. The wear and tear on her muscles and of course her heart were really bad. She made it through high school and then wanted to go to college about 1000 miles from home. My friend said no, that she would pay for a local school and until her daughter proved that she was taking care of herself there was no way my friend would pay for her to anywhere but at home. The daughter did eventually improve her health and stick to it so she finished her degree at that college 1000 miles away. My friend knows her daughter's health would have deteriorated to a point of no return, she helped her daughter by putting her foot down.

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That is a perfect example of good parenting!   

huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Her health is more important than college at this point.

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Sure, but there is only so much you can do once your child is an adult. You can't ground them and send them to their room. 

 

I agree that if she is paying for school--then she can tell her she's not going to, anymore, and MAYBE the daughter will move home.  Or maybe she won't.  She might just get a job and try to get by.  

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 Doubtful.  She sounds like a brat.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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It is within every parent's right to refuse to pay for college for whatever reason. And if that's what you, general you, think will help in this situation then do it. What I'm saying is you absolutely cannot control another adult. You can try but you can't It's great that IKWTDS friends daughter got better. But she got better because she wanted to get better. All I'm saying is I have a lot of experience dealing with diabetics. Change has to come from within them. They will either change because they want to or they'll just keep getting body parts chopped off. I used to have a very close friend who was diabetic. I watched her abuse her health through the years. She's now 55, has had two amputations, and is blind. She lives in a nursing home. She was married for a long time and even her husband didn't manage to stop her.

This girl is 19. She most likely drives. She can go get what she wants to eat. Take away the car? She will go out with friends. Short of locking her up if a person doesn't want to change they will find a way to eat crap. This is like drugs. Until the person realizes and admits they have a problem nothing is going to change.

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 The mother has to try.  You don't just sit back, shrug, and say "Oh, well, there is nothing I can do" all the while funding the lifestyle that is allowing the behavior.

And I also think it's a fine line because if she pushes too hard her daughter might decide not to have anything to do with her at all. I know. You probably think I'm crazy or making this up but I've seen this play out time and time and time again in the nursing homes. Because that's where they end up when they don't listen to family and doctors and have lost limbs and the family can no longer take care of them.

They will find other patients food and steal it. They sneak food in from the corner store. They pay people to go get them food. I've seen every bit of it. They behave just like addicts.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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And I also think it's a fine line because if she pushes too hard her daughter might decide not to have anything to do with her at all. I know. You probably think I'm crazy or making this up but I've seen this play out time and time and time again in the nursing homes. Because that's where they end up when they don't listen to family and doctors and have lost limbs and the family can no longer take care of them.

They will find other patients food and steal it. They sneak food in from the corner store. They pay people to go get them food. I've seen every bit of it. They behave just like addicts.

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So?  And there are many instances where actually parenting works, too.  Just because something happened to someone you know one way doesn't mean that's the way it always is.  IKWTDS knows someone where the parenting actually worked.  I, as a parent, am not going to enable my child with her own destructive behavior.

What do you think she should do, NJN? I just don't think that mom can just sit back and do nothing. She has to TRY something, even if it doesn't work.

Didnt we all just say exactly those things?????

It isn't easy, but sometimes a kid, yes an adult kid, needs a good scare.

I hate to say it, but short of 24/7 monitoring, this young adult is going to have to learn she isn't immortal and she has to take care of herself.

weltschmerz wrote:

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You can't force someone to look after themselves. You can't force someone to take their medications. You can't force someone to stop drinking or taking drugs. It only stops when the person himself decides.
I knew a woman whose daughter was taking heroin. Her mother put her foot down, "My house, my rules. You WILL shape up."
Daughter ran away and started turning tricks. She's dead now...killed by a john.

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 Sure, but you don't enable the behavior.  Most times, an addicts only chance is to sink into that low ditch.  The girl you describe could have ended up dead due to an OD in her mother's home had the mother allowed her to do drugs there.  If any of my kids shot up heroin I would kick them out too.  What happens to them is due to their poor decisions.  I love my kids, but you have to implore tough love, especially when they are adults.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Didnt we all just say exactly those things?????

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 And I said them too.  But I'm also saying that ripping her out of school just may not be the answer everyone thinks.  I never said not to try.  I just said be prepared if it doesn't work.

DEAR ABBY: Last year, during her required physical for college, my 19-year-old daughter, "Lacey," was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. She is in denial and hasn't seen a doctor since. She doesn't take her medications and refuses to change her diet or exercise. She is also obese.

When I try to discuss this with her, she gets angry and storms away. Her school is three hours away and I'm worried something terrible will have to happen to make her get serious. She's in that "invincible/know-it-all/I don't care" teenage phase of her life.

There are already signs that her diabetes is out of control -- headaches, vision changes, foot sores, numbness in her hands and irritability. Any advice before it's too late? -- WORRIED SICK IN VIRGINIA

Read the bolded of the OP.  This girl is in denial.  She is angry and refuses to address her problems.  Again, not saying you, general you, shouldn't try, but my guess is that taking her out of college will make her MORE angry and less likely to listen.

If it were me I would not take her out of college.  I would sit down with her and have a heart to heart talk about just how much I was worried about her and with her being far away I didn't feel like she had the help she needed to control this disease.  I would put stipulations on her being at college.  Whatever I decided.  Maybe that she had to show me her glucometer readings for the month (She can buy one that records it and down loads it to her computer so it can't be faked.), or to keep a food journal, or whatever.  I would lay out what I wanted her to do in order to succeed.  Then I would tell her if she can't meet me half way in this I would stop paying for school.  I would tell her if he wanted the privileges of being an adult she would have to act like one and be responsible for her health or then I wouldn't pay for her lifestyle.

But that's why I would do if it were my kid.  People are free to do whatever.

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Well, if you want to send her hours away from home so they can find her dead of diabetic ketoacidosis after a night of drinking then so be it.  College is  PRIVILEGE not a right.  You want mamma to pay for college, then you will do YOUR part.  If not, then you can live at home as long as you get a job.  If you dont' want to get a job and sit on your arse, then you can move out because I can't help you. 

I never said the mom was wrong.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Well, I don't know too many 19 yr olds who can completely pay for college, living expenses, a car and on and on.  If she is able to do so, then have at it.  If I am paying ANY part of those things, then I have a say. 

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 Yep.  And a 19 year old is not going to be paying for college on her own. 

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My DD must be the exception then,  she worked all through HS and had savings and then with scholarships (she busted her butt to get awesome grades in HS and College) she put herself through college and has two degrees.  I sometimes sent a gift card to ice cream etc, but she paid apartment rent and all utilities including fuel and insurance on her car.  She had  her Ford Escape paid off at the end of her senior year. 

Not saying others haven't and each child/kid makes their own way, but she did it and yet with being as responsible as she was she also would be taking care of her health. 

 

 

 

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Personally, I would not let her to go to college 3 hrs away from home. She hasn't demonstrated enough responsible behavior to have earned the right for me to fork over. I would make her take the next year demonstrating that she can responsible in managing her own illness. Diabetes is nothing to play around with. So, I would say, you can go to a local college and demonstrate adult responsibility in managing your illness, then if you do, you can transfer there next year.

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That would depend on who is paying for college--but if it's mom, then yeah, that's a good plan.  If she's paying her own way, I don't see how it would work.   

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Well, I don't know too many 19 yr olds who can completely pay for college, living expenses, a car and on and on.  If she is able to do so, then have at it.  If I am paying ANY part of those things, then I have a say. 

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 Yep.  And a 19 year old is not going to be paying for college on her own. 

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G's daughter has not taken one dime from us or her mother for schooling.  She has enough scholarship money to pay for everything, including a house rental (with room mates).  She works through a rather high class babysitting service, so she makes her own hours.   She's in graduate school now, all on scholarship...

almost 21, she graduated at 17 and already had earned 23 college credits in HS as our HS offered them free of cost so she took advantage of them.

All of my kids worked early generally at 14-15, by their choice, cause at our house you want to drive, fabulous, BUT you buy the car and fuel and yes you can be on our auto insurance plan BUT you pay the cost.

My one son was told his would be $75 a month with his C grades, he didn't think it was "that big of a deal" I told him if he worked harder and got the grades he was capable of like a B it would be $50 a month....hum...and when he started paying for his insurance you bet it was the better choice for him to get better grades and use the other $25 for fuel! Not saying he would not have if we were paying, but it worked for us

My older boys are 28, 24 and 22 and all own their own homes and vehicles and have really good jobs, my girls are 20 and 18 and the 20 year old is recently engaged to an awesome guy she graduated HS with and he owns his own home and vehicles etc., so they are doing well.

Youngest DD is 18 and is facing a few more challenges of her own making, but is figuring it out and doing much better.

I was told when they were growing up I was too strict and would regret it, but I don't I was strict but fair, your actions lead to YOUR consequences and yes as your parent I enforce them, but ultimately YOU chose them.

Never judging anyone else's parenting , it is very unique to each family, heck to each child, but what we had worked for us and I am very proud of my kids, and not only do I love them, I truly really really LIKE the adults they have become and love spending time with them, as they enjoy spending time with us.

-- Edited by Riding on Monday 14th of September 2015 03:15:30 PM