TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Prudie: Best Friend Won't Raise Our Baby if we Die

ed11563 · Guru

Two of my cousins made me the designated person to raise their daughters. Hardship? So what?

Of course I said "yes".

Maybe her friend has a mental illness she never discloses. Maybe she has been diagnoses with a terminal illness.

Maybe her marriage is falling apart already with two kids.

I agree with Prudie's answer. Find someone else, and let it go.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

How old are these people? If this woman has waited later in life to have kids, maybe a 45 year old woman doesn't feel she can take on the responsbility of another child.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I know I couldn't physically care for a young child now.

Honestly, I don't know if I would want to if I could.

There would be a whole lot to concider.

Domestic Engineer · Guru

DH and I recently agreed to take on our great-nephews if something happened to their parents. With the youngest one being only 2 that means we would pay for his college education with social security. Lol.

TrudyML · Guru

Eh, my sister knows I'd take my tiny loves in a heartbeat. They are attached to me now. But I never think about it.

huskerbb · Guru

I can understand the disappointment, and like Prudie said, surely she was given some reasons. I domthink the LW needs to not let her hurt feelings over an infinitesimally unlikely event ruin the friendship.

chef · Guru

Whether or not I would take a friend's kids would depend on if our parenting philosophies were similar.

huskerbb · Guru

chef wrote:
Whether or not I would take a friend's kids would depend on if our parenting philosophies were similar.

What difference does it make if they are gone?

TrudyML · Guru

Has anyone seen this actually happen? Just wondering.

huskerbb · Guru

TrudyML wrote:
Has anyone seen this actually happen? Just wondering.

I've heard of it--but No one I personally know. It's a very rare occurrence that both parents would die or be otherwise unable to keep their own children. In the cases of parents who are just crappy and lose their kids, that's a different scenario.

chef · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
chef wrote:
Whether or not I would take a friend's kids would depend on if our parenting philosophies were similar.
What difference does it make if they are gone?

Because I would want to respect their wishes.

huskerbb · Guru

chef wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
chef wrote:
Whether or not I would take a friend's kids would depend on if our parenting philosophies were similar.
What difference does it make if they are gone?
Because I would want to respect their wishes.

But if their wishes are for you to raise their kids...

TrudyML · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
TrudyML wrote:
Has anyone seen this actually happen? Just wondering.
I've heard of it--but No one I personally know. It's a very rare occurrence that both parents would die or be otherwise unable to keep their own children. In the cases of parents who are just crappy and lose their kids, that's a different scenario.

Hmm, so true!

My sister wouldn't take the same flight as her husband over the issue.

chef · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
chef wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
chef wrote:
Whether or not I would take a friend's kids would depend on if our parenting philosophies were similar.
What difference does it make if they are gone?
Because I would want to respect their wishes.
But if their wishes are for you to raise their kids...

Not all parents agree on the best way to raise kids. Religion and spanking come to mind. How permissive vs strict a parent is also comes to mind. Things like that.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
TrudyML wrote:
Has anyone seen this actually happen? Just wondering.
I've heard of it--but No one I personally know. It's a very rare occurrence that both parents would die or be otherwise unable to keep their own children. In the cases of parents who are just crappy and lose their kids, that's a different scenario.

I've got one.

huskerbb · Guru

chef wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
chef wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
chef wrote:
Whether or not I would take a friend's kids would depend on if our parenting philosophies were similar.
What difference does it make if they are gone?
Because I would want to respect their wishes.
But if their wishes are for you to raise their kids...
Not all parents agree on the best way to raise kids. Religion and spanking come to mind. How permissive vs strict a parent is also comes to mind. Things like that.

Sure, but once they are gone, what they want is rather irrelevant at that point. Maybe you disagree on spanking, but can provide a better home than someone else who might agree with them.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
TrudyML wrote:
Has anyone seen this actually happen? Just wondering.
I've heard of it--but No one I personally know. It's a very rare occurrence that both parents would die or be otherwise unable to keep their own children. In the cases of parents who are just crappy and lose their kids, that's a different scenario.
I've got one.

I almost posted that you were an example but figured you'd see this thread soon enough.

chef · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
chef wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
chef wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
chef wrote:
Whether or not I would take a friend's kids would depend on if our parenting philosophies were similar.
What difference does it make if they are gone?
Because I would want to respect their wishes.
But if their wishes are for you to raise their kids...
Not all parents agree on the best way to raise kids. Religion and spanking come to mind. How permissive vs strict a parent is also comes to mind. Things like that.
Sure, but once they are gone, what they want is rather irrelevant at that point. Maybe you disagree on spanking, but can provide a better home than someone else who might agree with them.

It might be irrelevant to you but it isn't to me. Also, I'm fine with spanking when it's necessary.

TrudyML · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
TrudyML wrote:
Has anyone seen this actually happen? Just wondering.
I've heard of it--but No one I personally know. It's a very rare occurrence that both parents would die or be otherwise unable to keep their own children. In the cases of parents who are just crappy and lose their kids, that's a different scenario.
I've got one.

How was the transition?

ed11563 · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
TrudyML wrote:
Has anyone seen this actually happen? Just wondering.
I've heard of it--but No one I personally know. It's a very rare occurrence that both parents would die or be otherwise unable to keep their own children. In the cases of parents who are just crappy and lose their kids, that's a different scenario.

I think it would most likely happen because of a car crash. (Maybe a plane crash, but there aren't that many of those with the parents in the plane and the kid with a babysitter.)

I dated a young widow whose husband drove off the road into a bridge abutment, probably fell asleep at the wheel.

She was asleep with her seatbelt on, baby in a good car seat in the back. If SHE hadn't had her seatbelt on, her baby would have had grandparents to go to.

-- Edited by ed11563 on Wednesday 23rd of September 2015 03:57:46 PM

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

TrudyML wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
TrudyML wrote:
Has anyone seen this actually happen? Just wondering.
I've heard of it--but No one I personally know. It's a very rare occurrence that both parents would die or be otherwise unable to keep their own children. In the cases of parents who are just crappy and lose their kids, that's a different scenario.
I've got one.
How was the transition?

For her or us? LOL. An infant for my 40th birthday was not quite what I had in mind. DD11 had the hardest time, of course, but Baby J was too young to know. Her mother died when she was 3.5 months old.

TrudyML · Guru

:( That makes me sad. Glad it worked out.

NAOW · Vette's SS

chef wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
chef wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
chef wrote:
Whether or not I would take a friend's kids would depend on if our parenting philosophies were similar.
What difference does it make if they are gone?
Because I would want to respect their wishes.
But if their wishes are for you to raise their kids...
Not all parents agree on the best way to raise kids. Religion and spanking come to mind. How permissive vs strict a parent is also comes to mind. Things like that.

I would think they would only ask you if they were comfortable with your parenting techniques. Or more comfortable with yours than someone else's.

Also, how many people ask someone who doesn't have kids (at all or yet)? So you would not know what type of parent they would be.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

TrudyML wrote:
:( That makes me sad. Glad it worked out.

It has worked out. I think she would have had quite the difficult life with my sister. She's ours now, and goodness, she keeps us on our toes! I can't imagine life without her now.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

So does anyone want my kids? biggrin

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Why would anyone be put off by someone else, no matter how close the relationship, not wanting to raise more kids? That is just selfish to think bad of that person.

NAOW · Vette's SS

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Why would anyone be put off by someone else, no matter how close the relationship, not wanting to raise more kids? That is just selfish to think bad of that person.

I can see being disappointed, or even worried, if you don't have an alternative, but not angry, and definitely something you would (or should) get over.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I can understand her being hurt. What she's essentially saying is that she felt like she had a good enough friendship that she would gladly take on her friends kids. And now she is seeing that it's not a two way street for whatever reason. Is it enough to end a friendship? I guess that's for her to decide.

Honeys_Mom · Mod & Permanent Board Sweetheart

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
So does anyone want my kids?

No. smile

Children never happened for me and so many people just assume that I sort of pine away about not having children... not. I like children but I don't want any.

But if a child sort of fell right into my lap, I suppose I'd wonder if it was the Lord...?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Honeys_Mom wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
So does anyone want my kids?
No.
Children never happened for me and so many people just assume that I sort of pine away about not having children... not. I like children but I don't want any.
But if a child sort of fell right into my lap, I suppose I'd wonder if it was the Lord...?

I can arrange that. biggrin

NAOW · Vette's SS

I'll take yours NJN!

Think they could handle the cold up here?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

NAOW wrote:
I'll take yours NJN!

Think they could handle the cold up here?

Definitely! They're really not THAT bad! The dogs are worse!

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Honeys_Mom wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
So does anyone want my kids?
No.
Children never happened for me and so many people just assume that I sort of pine away about not having children... not. I like children but I don't want any.
But if a child sort of fell right into my lap, I suppose I'd wonder if it was the Lord...?

Yep. At church they laughed at me mercilessly. Before we got Baby J, everyone would do the "when are you going to have another baby" thing? Uhhh - never, thanks. But my response was, "If God wants me to have another child, he's going to have to drop one in my lap." Well........

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Lawyerlady wrote:
Honeys_Mom wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
So does anyone want my kids?
No.
Children never happened for me and so many people just assume that I sort of pine away about not having children... not. I like children but I don't want any.
But if a child sort of fell right into my lap, I suppose I'd wonder if it was the Lord...?
Yep. At church they laughed at me mercilessly. Before we got Baby J, everyone would do the "when are you going to have another baby" thing? Uhhh - never, thanks. But my response was, "If God wants me to have another child, he's going to have to drop one in my lap." Well........

And it is awesome you took on that responsibility.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Honeys_Mom wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
So does anyone want my kids?
No.
Children never happened for me and so many people just assume that I sort of pine away about not having children... not. I like children but I don't want any.
But if a child sort of fell right into my lap, I suppose I'd wonder if it was the Lord...?
Yep. At church they laughed at me mercilessly. Before we got Baby J, everyone would do the "when are you going to have another baby" thing? Uhhh - never, thanks. But my response was, "If God wants me to have another child, he's going to have to drop one in my lap." Well........
And it is awesome you took on that responsibility.

I don't think I ever considered it as a choice - you know? She needed me and my sister always knew I'd take her kids if anything happened to her. It was understood.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

If I was the OP, my feelings would be hurt for sure. Rationally, I would understand the reasons, whatever they may have been. But emotionally, I would be crushed. I think the OP thought she could count on her friend to be "her person" (for all you Grey's Anatomy fans) and she is devastated to learn that her friend does not see her in that same light. It's kind of like saying "I love you" and having the other person say "thanks".

I have a friend who has me down as the guardian of her children in case she dies. She is a single mother and her own family isn't stable enough to do it. We are the only stable adults these children know. I wouldn't be thrilled if it happened, but I would do it for the good of the children. They truly would be better off with us than anyone else in their lives. Some things you do because they are the right thing to do.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Mellow Momma wrote:
If I was the OP, my feelings would be hurt for sure. Rationally, I would understand the reasons, whatever they may have been. But emotionally, I would be crushed. I think the OP thought she could count on her friend to be "her person" (for all you Grey's Anatomy fans) and she is devastated to learn that her friend does not see her in that same light. It's kind of like saying "I love you" and having the other person say "thanks".

I have a friend who has me down as the guardian of her children in case she dies. She is a single mother and her own family isn't stable enough to do it. We are the only stable adults these children know. I wouldn't be thrilled if it happened, but I would do it for the good of the children. They truly would be better off with us than anyone else in their lives. Some things you do because they are the right thing to do.

Yes.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I've raised mine. Most of the time I have also had my brother's kids, so that is 2 more.

I just don't see raising another child at my age.

I can understand someone not wanting to voluntarily take that on.

Now if a child come to me that needed me, of course I'd take it.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I have to get caught up here. I think there is a difference between raising a friend's baby and raising a biological relative. If something had happened to my sister, there is NO way that I would have allowed her daughter to go into foster care or with some vague relatives who didn't care about her. I would hope that my sister would do the same. A friend is a bit different. I would still think it would be better for that child to be with bio relatives. I think that the bonds of family are important. However, if I had to, I believe I could raise another child. Sometimes somebody just has to step up.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lawyerlady wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
If I was the OP, my feelings would be hurt for sure. Rationally, I would understand the reasons, whatever they may have been. But emotionally, I would be crushed. I think the OP thought she could count on her friend to be "her person" (for all you Grey's Anatomy fans) and she is devastated to learn that her friend does not see her in that same light. It's kind of like saying "I love you" and having the other person say "thanks".

I have a friend who has me down as the guardian of her children in case she dies. She is a single mother and her own family isn't stable enough to do it. We are the only stable adults these children know. I wouldn't be thrilled if it happened, but I would do it for the good of the children. They truly would be better off with us than anyone else in their lives. Some things you do because they are the right thing to do.
Yes.

This. Every bit of this. I understand her hurt. She thought the relationship meant more to her friend than it did. Unless there was some obvious reason. And yes, sometimes you do the right thing simply because it's the right thing.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I also think the OP asked too soon. She asked before her friend has bonded with the child, and before they know if there will be any special needs.

huskerbb · Guru

NAOW wrote:
chef wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
chef wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
chef wrote:
Whether or not I would take a friend's kids would depend on if our parenting philosophies were similar.
What difference does it make if they are gone?
Because I would want to respect their wishes.
But if their wishes are for you to raise their kids...
Not all parents agree on the best way to raise kids. Religion and spanking come to mind. How permissive vs strict a parent is also comes to mind. Things like that.
I would think they would only ask you if they were comfortable with your parenting techniques. Or more comfortable with yours than someone else's.
Also, how many people ask someone who doesn't have kids (at all or yet)? So you would not know what type of parent they would be.

I don't think they would even expect that you would raise the child exactly as they would. They are picking someone to love and care for their child. No two sets of parents would do everrthing the same, anyway.