TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Abby: Long Winded Friend

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I know people like this.

I let the machine answer or let it go to voicemail.

I sometimes text back something like, "hey, got your message, kind of in the middle of something. What change need?"

Or I just don't respond at all.

I'm horrible. I know.

ed11563 · Guru

I have a customer who shares this trait.

I never cut him off or cut him short.

Recently he bought $20,000 of drugs from me that he could have gotten a little cheaper from a competitor.

( I had also gotten him some things that no one had, with help from my go-to people at the home office. It's good to take care of customers when they're desperate.)

huskerbb · Guru

If you don't want friends--so be it.

I can see this same person writing in another letter, however:

Dear Abby,

I am generally a loner and like spending time by myself. However, I would like a good friend or two to confide in and maybe go out to dinner with occasionally, but I can't seem to find any. Do you have any suggestions?

Signed:

All alone

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Meh.

Some talk cause they love the sound of their voice. Will talk continuously and never say anything.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I think that the fact the letter writer admits she has lost other friends because of her dislike of conversation says it is more about her than the person on the other end of the phone.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

huskerbb wrote:
If you don't want friends--so be it.

I can see this same person writing in another letter, however:

Dear Abby,

I am generally a loner and like spending time by myself. However, I would like a good friend or two to confide in and maybe go out to dinner with occasionally, but I can't seem to find any. Do you have any suggestions?

Signed:

All alone

This would actually be my letter. I have a handful of friends. I try not to call because when I do I know I'm long winded. I talk to FWM about once every two months. When we talk it's for a really long time. Well over an hour. But again, I don't call her every day. I am rarely on the phone. Unless it's my family I don't talk on the phone to friends but once every few months.

I really wish if I call someone and they don't want to talk they just tell me. I'd rather hear someone say, "Oh, I don't mind talking but I have to go in xyz amount of time." And I think it's really stupid this lady is so afraid to tell her supposed friend she doesn't like to talk on the phone that she's willing to let the friendship go. I've had people ditch me for calling them. You know when you're being avoided. Avoiding someone doesn't make you a nicer person because you didn't "hurt their feelings". It makes you a douche.

FNW · Guru

I'm with you, NJN. And that husker letter could be mine as well.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

I think it's pretty superficial to dump someone as a friend becssue they talk too long on the phone. So tell them you don't like to talk on the phone. Why would you ruin a good friendship over communication style?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Mellow Momma wrote:
I think it's pretty superficial to dump someone as a friend becssue they talk too long on the phone. So tell them you don't like to talk on the phone. Why would you ruin a good friendship over communication style?

I agree. She wasn't much of a friend to start with if this is all it takes.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I do like to talk on the phone, but I make sure to LISTEN as well & I watch my time.

flan

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Some of you talk as if all the person needs to do is tell the long winded person they don't have much time or tell you when they have no more time time to talk and that solves the issue, the long winded person will cheerfully say bye and hang up. In my experience that is now how it works. I say I have to get going and the long winded talker glosses over that and just keeps going. It is tiring.

Domestic Engineer · Guru

I loved talking on the phone. Sis and I talked all.the.time while doing chores. I'd call her while ironing, she'd call me when dusting. It certainly made chores more bearable.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

The LW doesn't state that's even the case. She said she doesn't want to talk on the phone at all. Not that she minds talking but the person won't stop. She says: I'm a woman who has always had trouble with women friends who like to call and chat. It has never really been my thing. SHE doesn't like it. It says nothing about asking the woman to shorten her calls. In fact, INSTEAD of telling her that she doesn't want to talk she just avoids her. She needs to grow some balls and tell the lady she doesn't want to talk to her. And there are ways to get off the phone. If you don't want to be friends with someone because of this reason just freaking tell them. My pet peeve is when people won't return a phone call or will say they are busy and will call me later and never do. Yep, it does send a very clear message to people about their worth in your life.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Domestic Engineer wrote:
I loved talking on the phone. Sis and I talked all.the.time while doing chores. I'd call her while ironing, she'd call me when dusting. It certainly made chores more bearable.

Family is different though.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
The LW doesn't state that's even the case. She said she doesn't want to talk on the phone at all. Not that she minds talking but the person won't stop. She says: I'm a woman who has always had trouble with women friends who like to call and chat. It has never really been my thing. SHE doesn't like it. It says nothing about asking the woman to shorten her calls. In fact, INSTEAD of telling her that she doesn't want to talk she just avoids her. She needs to grow some balls and tell the lady she doesn't want to talk to her. And there are ways to get off the phone. If you don't want to be friends with someone because of this reason just freaking tell them. My pet peeve is when people won't return a phone call or will say they are busy and will call me later and never do. Yep, it does send a very clear message to people about their worth in your life.

But in the LW situation, she is probably concerned about initiating a call since she doesn't have or want to spend hours on the phone. I've been there. In that case I email or text. Now if it's someone I haven't talked to in months I do spend the time on the phone.

Domestic Engineer · Guru

True, I'm stuck with family. I get to pick my friends. biggrin

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
The LW doesn't state that's even the case. She said she doesn't want to talk on the phone at all. Not that she minds talking but the person won't stop. She says: I'm a woman who has always had trouble with women friends who like to call and chat. It has never really been my thing. SHE doesn't like it. It says nothing about asking the woman to shorten her calls. In fact, INSTEAD of telling her that she doesn't want to talk she just avoids her. She needs to grow some balls and tell the lady she doesn't want to talk to her. And there are ways to get off the phone. If you don't want to be friends with someone because of this reason just freaking tell them. My pet peeve is when people won't return a phone call or will say they are busy and will call me later and never do. Yep, it does send a very clear message to people about their worth in your life.
But in the LW situation, she is probably concerned about initiating a call since she doesn't have or want to spend hours on the phone. I've been there. In that case I email or text. Now if it's someone I haven't talked to in months I do spend the time on the phone.

I have had people that I have been friends with and they say they will call and never do. If I wait and call them they are ALWAYS busy and have to get off the phone. If I leave a message they don't return a call. When I am friends with someone like that I just stop calling and leaving messages. They've made it abundantly clear they have no interest in talking to me so I just move on. I might would feel differently if I got an email or text but those people will never even give you the consideration of that either. It sends a message to the person that "I don't give a damn about the friendship. You are not worth my time." Why would anyone continue to seek out that kind of "friendship"?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Domestic Engineer wrote:
I loved talking on the phone. Sis and I talked all.the.time while doing chores. I'd call her while ironing, she'd call me when dusting. It certainly made chores more bearable.
Family is different though.

Not everyone has family.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
The LW doesn't state that's even the case. She said she doesn't want to talk on the phone at all. Not that she minds talking but the person won't stop. She says: I'm a woman who has always had trouble with women friends who like to call and chat. It has never really been my thing. SHE doesn't like it. It says nothing about asking the woman to shorten her calls. In fact, INSTEAD of telling her that she doesn't want to talk she just avoids her. She needs to grow some balls and tell the lady she doesn't want to talk to her. And there are ways to get off the phone. If you don't want to be friends with someone because of this reason just freaking tell them. My pet peeve is when people won't return a phone call or will say they are busy and will call me later and never do. Yep, it does send a very clear message to people about their worth in your life.
But in the LW situation, she is probably concerned about initiating a call since she doesn't have or want to spend hours on the phone. I've been there. In that case I email or text. Now if it's someone I haven't talked to in months I do spend the time on the phone.
I have had people that I have been friends with and they say they will call and never do. If I wait and call them they are ALWAYS busy and have to get off the phone. If I leave a message they don't return a call. When I am friends with someone like that I just stop calling and leaving messages. They've made it abundantly clear they have no interest in talking to me so I just move on. I might would feel differently if I got an email or text but those people will never even give you the consideration of that either. It sends a message to the person that "I don't give a damn about the friendship. You are not worth my time." Why would anyone continue to seek out that kind of "friendship"?

Generally, if I am doing this, saying I'll call back and don't or always too busy, I'm not going to care if they move on.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

lilyofcourse wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
The LW doesn't state that's even the case. She said she doesn't want to talk on the phone at all. Not that she minds talking but the person won't stop. She says: I'm a woman who has always had trouble with women friends who like to call and chat. It has never really been my thing. SHE doesn't like it. It says nothing about asking the woman to shorten her calls. In fact, INSTEAD of telling her that she doesn't want to talk she just avoids her. She needs to grow some balls and tell the lady she doesn't want to talk to her. And there are ways to get off the phone. If you don't want to be friends with someone because of this reason just freaking tell them. My pet peeve is when people won't return a phone call or will say they are busy and will call me later and never do. Yep, it does send a very clear message to people about their worth in your life.
But in the LW situation, she is probably concerned about initiating a call since she doesn't have or want to spend hours on the phone. I've been there. In that case I email or text. Now if it's someone I haven't talked to in months I do spend the time on the phone.
I have had people that I have been friends with and they say they will call and never do. If I wait and call them they are ALWAYS busy and have to get off the phone. If I leave a message they don't return a call. When I am friends with someone like that I just stop calling and leaving messages. They've made it abundantly clear they have no interest in talking to me so I just move on. I might would feel differently if I got an email or text but those people will never even give you the consideration of that either. It sends a message to the person that "I don't give a damn about the friendship. You are not worth my time." Why would anyone continue to seek out that kind of "friendship"?
Generally, if I am doing this, saying I'll call back and don't or always too busy, I'm not going to care if they move on.

Exactly what I'm saying. You don't give a damn about the person and are not up front enough to tell them so. They get the point.

karl271 · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
I know people like this.

I let the machine answer or let it go to voicemail.

I sometimes text back something like, "hey, got your message, kind of in the middle of something. What change need?"

Or I just don't respond at all.

I'm horrible. I know.

I always let the telephone go to machine answer. So many salespeople. Of course this is a land line; not as up to date as the rest of you are, I would guess. LOL

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

We have both land lines and cells Karl

karl271 · Guru

I am a little surprised to hear that, NJN. From what I have seen on TV, etc. I thought land lines had gone the way of dinosaurs and everyone used a cell phone or smart phone or whatever the various hand held devices are called.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

We haven't had a land line since probably 2007. No one we knew used it, they all called our cells. If someone was calling it, we knew it wasn't anyone we wanted to talk to!

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

karl271 wrote:
I am a little surprised to hear that, NJN. From what I have seen on TV, etc. I thought land lines had gone the way of dinosaurs and everyone used a cell phone or smart phone or whatever the various hand held devices are called.

Not everyone. I would say most. My DN and her b/f don't have a land line. We chose to get a landline and we get our wifi through it. They have independent wifi and they are always having issues. I would say most people don't have land lines now though. I think some of it depends on where you live. Cell coverage is not great in some of the more rural areas.

karl271 · Guru

I remember (now) the last time I was in the US and I wanted to call my brother in the Twin Cities from a small town in Iowa. I did not have a cell phone, could not for the life of me find a public telephone (if anyone remembers what those are) and finally ended up going to the telephone company office, which informed me that I could not make a telephone call from there. They had no facilities. I was floored....

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Domestic Engineer wrote:
I loved talking on the phone. Sis and I talked all.the.time while doing chores. I'd call her while ironing, she'd call me when dusting. It certainly made chores more bearable.
Family is different though.
Not everyone has family.

You know what? That is a point I hadn't considered.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

karl271 wrote:
I remember (now) the last time I was in the US and I wanted to call my brother in the Twin Cities from a small town in Iowa. I did not have a cell phone, could not for the life of me find a public telephone (if anyone remembers what those are) and finally ended up going to the telephone company office, which informed me that I could not make a telephone call from there. They had no facilities. I was floored....

LOL Karl, I get it. Just to need to buy a SIM card? for what ever country you are in?

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

We have both land line and cell.

There have been many times when the cell would not work but the land line would.

The land line is used mostly for business.

Cell phones are personal.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Pay phones are a thing of the past. They just don't have them now that everyone has cell phones. Which is sad because my kids will never experience the joy of finding a quarter in the phone. When we moved here we felt our children were too young and too irresponsible for cell phones. So we opted for a land line. Now they all have cell phones and we still have a land line.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
The LW doesn't state that's even the case. She said she doesn't want to talk on the phone at all. Not that she minds talking but the person won't stop. She says: I'm a woman who has always had trouble with women friends who like to call and chat. It has never really been my thing. SHE doesn't like it. It says nothing about asking the woman to shorten her calls. In fact, INSTEAD of telling her that she doesn't want to talk she just avoids her. She needs to grow some balls and tell the lady she doesn't want to talk to her. And there are ways to get off the phone. If you don't want to be friends with someone because of this reason just freaking tell them. My pet peeve is when people won't return a phone call or will say they are busy and will call me later and never do. Yep, it does send a very clear message to people about their worth in your life.
But in the LW situation, she is probably concerned about initiating a call since she doesn't have or want to spend hours on the phone. I've been there. In that case I email or text. Now if it's someone I haven't talked to in months I do spend the time on the phone.
I have had people that I have been friends with and they say they will call and never do. If I wait and call them they are ALWAYS busy and have to get off the phone. If I leave a message they don't return a call. When I am friends with someone like that I just stop calling and leaving messages. They've made it abundantly clear they have no interest in talking to me so I just move on. I might would feel differently if I got an email or text but those people will never even give you the consideration of that either. It sends a message to the person that "I don't give a damn about the friendship. You are not worth my time." Why would anyone continue to seek out that kind of "friendship"?
Generally, if I am doing this, saying I'll call back and don't or always too busy, I'm not going to care if they move on.

Exactly what I'm saying. You don't give a damn about the person and are not up front enough to tell them so. They get the point.

Meh. Sometimes they just get on your last nerve.

And you tell a person "hey, I don't want to talk right now" they start the "well why not" crap.

It isn't nice to tell someone they are PITA.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

lilyofcourse wrote:
Exactly what I'm saying. You don't give a damn about the person and are not up front enough to tell them so. They get the point.
Meh. Sometimes they just get on your last nerve.
And you tell a person "hey, I don't want to talk right now" they start the "well why not" crap.

It isn't nice to tell someone they are PITA.

If you don't want to be friends with someone grow some damn balls and tell them. Don't be rude. Ignoring people is third grade crap. You don't have to tell someone they are a PITA to end a friendship. I honestly have never head anyone say "Why don't you want to talk?" over the phone. Maybe in person. Not on the phone. You must not talk to a lot of decent people.

huskerbb · Guru

Part of being friends with someone is putting up with their quirks and foibles. The "chatty" woman is certainly putting up with a loner friend who probably never wants to go out or spend much time together.

If she wants to dump her as a friend, I guess whatever--but I'm really doubtful the LW has a lot of friends.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

huskerbb wrote:
Part of being friends with someone is putting up with their quirks and foibles. The "chatty" woman is certainly putting up with a loner friend who probably never wants to go out or spend much time together.

If she wants to dump her as a friend, I guess whatever--but I'm really doubtful the LW has a lot of friends.

That's pretty much how I took this. She doesn't want to be bothered by anyone. I know people like this and then when they get in a tough spot they start whining about how no one is there for them. Um, you weren't there either.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Exactly what I'm saying. You don't give a damn about the person and are not up front enough to tell them so. They get the point.
Meh. Sometimes they just get on your last nerve.
And you tell a person "hey, I don't want to talk right now" they start the "well why not" crap.

It isn't nice to tell someone they are PITA.

If you don't want to be friends with someone grow some damn balls and tell them. Don't be rude. Ignoring people is third grade crap. You don't have to tell someone they are a PITA to end a friendship. I honestly have never head anyone say "Why don't you want to talk?" over the phone. Maybe in person. Not on the phone. You must not talk to a lot of decent people.

I know lots of decent people.

Funny.

You say, just be straight. But when I'm just being straight on here you say I'm mean.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

It's rude to say Gee, you're a PITA. You can say instead I don't have the time to invest in this friendship that is fair to you. My mom said it's not about telling the truth but how you tell it. You can tell the truth like a bitch or you can tell the truth nicely. Yes, it both the truth. And yes, there IS a difference.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Whatever, NJN.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

It's the difference between saying "yes those pants make your azz look fat" and "I am not sure those are the most flattering pants I have seen you wear, I like the tan pair you wore Friday much better!"

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Mellow Momma wrote:
It's the difference between saying "yes those pants make your azz look fat" and "I am not sure those are the most flattering pants I have seen you wear, I like the tan pair you wore Friday much better!"

Yes. Thank you. That's exactly what I was saying.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

So you say "I'm busy right now" and they ask what you're doing instead of saying goodbye, what then?

huskerbb · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
So you say "I'm busy right now" and they ask what you're doing instead of saying goodbye, what then?

Say "I gotta go"--and hang up.

ed11563 · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
So you say "I'm busy right now" and they ask what you're doing instead of saying goodbye, what then?

Then you say, "Gotta go, Bye. " and hang up.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

huskerbb wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
So you say "I'm busy right now" and they ask what you're doing instead of saying goodbye, what then?

Say "I gotta go"--and hang up.

Exactly. I'm not sure why this is rocket science.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

And the difference between that and not returning calls is what?

The same message is sent.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

The difference is you have answered the phone and told them you are busy. Continually not answering the phone gives them the message that you are too good to be bothered. Although if you like hanging up on your friends all the time too you probably won't end up with many.

It's basically this simple. If you were/are friends with someone and don't want to be bothered with them anymore just freaking tell them in a nice way.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Hey Nancy, look, I don't want to hurt your feelings but I don't want to be friends. It isn't you, it's me.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

lilyofcourse wrote:
Hey Nancy, look, I don't want to hurt your feelings but I don't want to be friends. It isn't you, it's me.

Sounds good to me.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Yeah.

And then you get the "but I don't understand. Why don't you like me?"

Or they just get all pissy.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

I think I would say "hey, I don't want to hurt your feelings and I DO want to catch up and hear all about your cat's gall bladder operation. But it's easier for me to have these conversations in person, the phone really is taxing for me. I just don't do well on the phone - it's my issue not yours. Let's get together for coffee on Thursday." Done. Friendship saved and no one is crying in their Cheerios.