TOTALLY GEEKED!

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

RE: Dear Abby: Long Winded Friend

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Mellow Momma wrote:
I think I would say "hey, I don't want to hurt your feelings and I DO want to catch up and hear all about your cat's gall bladder operation. But it's easier for me to have these conversations in person, the phone really is taxing for me. I just don't do well on the phone - it's my issue not yours. Let's get together for coffee on Thursday." Done. Friendship saved and no one is crying in their Cheerios.

This - from the last page. 😉

Mary Zombie · Guru

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Some of you talk as if all the person needs to do is tell the long winded person they don't have much time or tell you when they have no more time time to talk and that solves the issue, the long winded person will cheerfully say bye and hang up. In my experience that is now how it works. I say I have to get going and the long winded talker glosses over that and just keeps going. It is tiring.

OMG this.

I was friends with an older lady from work. I was even roomates with her daughter for a bit. She would call me after work and ramble on and on. I swear she didn't breath. It was near impossible to cut in to tell her u had to go. Then she would keep blabbering on and on. I lived with my parents at the time and they always knew who I was on the phone with because I rarely spoke.

Finally I convinced them to lie and say I wasn't home. When she managed to get me on the phone I eventually started hanging up after the 3rd try to get off.... then would leave off the hook for a bit. Oh no phone issues lol.

I just got sick of being held hostage on the phone by someone I saw at work every day!

I still screen calls. After being on the phone at work....I don't want the phone when I'm home dangit.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Sort of goes with this.

Had a guy who kept calling me. He was nice enough. Met him while at the bar with friends one night. We went out once.

He just wasn't my type. Our date was 2 of the longest hours of my life.

He called me every day. I tried to be nice. Did the small talk thing.

And he would call me at work.

I would tell him I couldn't talk and he would ask me out.

I stopped taking his calls. Told who ever answered to take a message.

This went on for months.

One day he called, I was not in the mood to deal with anyone's crap that day. I just happened to answer the phone and recognized his voice immediately.

He asked to speak to me, and without even thinking about it first, told him the tragic news. That I had been killed in a car crash.

He went silent. Then he asked if I was sure and I went off on him a little bit.

"What do you mean am I sure? She was my friend! Why would I say something like that if it wasn't? "

He apologized and said sorry and hung up.

It was about a yr later I ran into him. He told me what he "had heard".

I was shocked. Shocked I tell you.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

You actually told someone you were dead? Wow, that is something. I would never say someone died that didn't. There's just something not good about doing that.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

huskerbb wrote:

lilyofcourse wrote:
So you say "I'm busy right now" and they ask what you're doing instead of saying goodbye, what then?

Say "I gotta go"--and hang up.

Yeah, I kind of don't get why this is so hard. Or something's burning in the oven, my dog just barfed on the carpet, or just ' Hey, I have to go, talk to you later, goodbye".

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
You actually told someone you were dead? Wow, that is something. I would never say someone died that didn't. There's just something not good about doing that.

Yeah. He would NOT leave me alone.

He called everyday no matter what.

It worked.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Do you not have caller ID? WIth caller ID, makes life easy.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

lilyofcourse wrote:
So you say "I'm busy right now" and they ask what you're doing instead of saying goodbye, what then?

Say "I gotta go"--and hang up.

Yeah, I kind of don't get why this is so hard. Or something's burning in the oven, my dog just barfed on the carpet, or just ' Hey, I have to go, talk to you later, goodbye".

Yeah. Cause that's how it ends.

And how long do you keep doing this?

You guys are missing the point.

If I, or anyone, is avoiding a person on the phone, it's because I generally DON'T care or want to be friends with them.

And I have found the same ones who can not take a hint are also the ones who get all emotional and dramatic when you say anything to them about their calling and wanting to talk all the time.

So, like many of you have said, many times, you stop encouraging any relationship. They call, don't answer, they invite you, don't go.

The "I'm busy" works and is no different than not answering.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I really don't understand the concept of saying "Hey, I can't talk on the phone as long as you - we're going to have to limit this to 10-15 minutes." And I've never had a problem breaking in and saying, "I have to go, sorry!" and hanging up.

And believe it or not - I haven't lost a friend because of it.

-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Monday 28th of September 2015 07:27:12 AM

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Do you not have caller ID? WIth caller ID, makes life easy.

Yeah. I do.

But I didn't at work.

I don't give my home number out to anyone unless it is business related now.

My cell number is even more guarded. A very limited few have that.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

But what difference is that and just not answering the phone?

That's what I don't get.

Stand up and just tell them you can't talk.

Vs.

Not answering in the first place.

I save a step.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

lilyofcourse wrote:
But what difference is that and just not answering the phone?

That's what I don't get.

Stand up and just tell them you can't talk.

Vs.

Not answering in the first place.

I save a step.

Because when you don't answer their calls - you are cutting them out in a passive aggressive manner. When you answer the phone, you let them know they are important to you, and when you give them some of your time vs. none - that says a lot.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

It's not 'passive aggressive" to not answer the phone. Just because the phone rings doesn't mean I am obligated to answer it. If I am busy, I can see that someone has called and I can call them back or not. We have voice mail, text, etc. Not like we are out of touch with people. So, no, I don't answer the phone unless I want to talk.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
It's not 'passive aggressive" to not answer the phone. Just because the phone rings doesn't mean I am obligated to answer it. If I am busy, I can see that someone has called and I can call them back or not. We have voice mail, text, etc. Not like we are out of touch with people. So, no, I don't answer the phone unless I want to talk.

It is if you never answer it for the same person, and you don't call them back.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lawyerlady wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
But what difference is that and just not answering the phone?

That's what I don't get.

Stand up and just tell them you can't talk.

Vs.

Not answering in the first place.

I save a step.
Because when you don't answer their calls - you are cutting them out in a passive aggressive manner. When you answer the phone, you let them know they are important to you, and when you give them some of your time vs. none - that says a lot.

That's just it.

In one of my first posts I said if I am not answering or returning their calls ever, it's because I don't want to be their friend.

And then I was told "just be upfront, tell them you don't want to be friends". Which I said that never turns out good.

I've never told anyone I didn't want to be their friend in any kind of way in which they smiled, said Okey dokey and skipped away.

The one time I told someone I didn't want to be friends with them, they started swearing and pitching a fit.

That was a 40 something year old woman.

So no. You can't just say, tell them.

And how many times have we told people to just let that person calling, they don't want to talk to, go to voicemail?

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
You actually told someone you were dead? Wow, that is something. I would never say someone died that didn't. There's just something not good about doing that.

I mean, really?!

flan

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
I really don't understand the concept of saying "Hey, I can't talk on the phone as long as you - we're going to have to limit this to 10-15 minutes." And I've never had a problem breaking in and saying, "I have to go, sorry!" and hanging up.

And believe it or not - I haven't lost a friend because of it.

-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Monday 28th of September 2015 07:27:12 AM

I just remembered that I did have a long-winded friend, but we've lost touch...no real reason, just life. She had a good heart, though, and it was never a problem for me to tell her that I had to go.

flan

FNW · Guru

Some of you act like passive aggressive is a bad thing.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

FNW wrote:
Some of you act like passive aggressive is a bad thing.

No kidding.

It seems to be the advice de jour for just about any other invite, conversation or activity but in this case it a big "how DARE you".

And the fact that I had to tell someone I was dead to get the message across should be proof that just saying "sorry, gotta go" doesn't work.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Sorry. Double post.

-- Edited by lilyofcourse on Monday 28th of September 2015 08:55:39 AM

FNW · Guru

HAHA. I dated a guy years ago who just didn't take no for an answer. The only thing I could do was hang up every time he called without saying a word (this was before caller I.D.) and not answer when he knocked at my door. Eventually he got the picture.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

FNW wrote:
HAHA. I dated a guy years ago who just didn't take no for an answer. The only thing I could do was hang up every time he called without saying a word (this was before caller I.D.) and not answer when he knocked at my door. Eventually he got the picture.

Yep.

Some just don't take no for answer.

Now a days, it's called stalking.

And you'll do about anything to get them to leave you alone.

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
You actually told someone you were dead? Wow, that is something. I would never say someone died that didn't. There's just something not good about doing that.

I actually thought it worked really well for someone who wasn't taking no for an answer any other way!

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

I have a few friends that I have told that I have a time limit for conversation & I just can't stand to be on the phone any longer than that. It worked.

Mary Zombie · Guru

Yeah I don't get it. I hear all the time to just stop taking calls and be busy.
But sometimes I do want to be friends but I don't like long phone conversations. I prefer saving that for in person.
And sorry.....most of the time saying you have to go does NOT work for the super long winded. I will tell my friends that I don't like being on the phone alot and most respect that and we text. But sometimes don't and hence screening calls.
I am not going to be held hostage on my phone :)

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Monday 28th of September 2015 12:27:41 PM

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lawyerlady wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
But what difference is that and just not answering the phone?

That's what I don't get.

Stand up and just tell them you can't talk.

Vs.

Not answering in the first place.

I save a step.
Because when you don't answer their calls - you are cutting them out in a passive aggressive manner. When you answer the phone, you let them know they are important to you, and when you give them some of your time vs. none - that says a lot.

This. It's almost like when you are dating someone and they kind of half ass dump you and you never really know the reason why. You're left with this What happened? kind of feeling. People are deserving of a straight answer. If you honestly don't want to be friends with them over this issue then that's your choice. But OWN it. And if you can't handle telling someone you have to go in 15 minutes and then say bye and hang up the issue is not them. It's you. You cut in and say, without stopping, I've really enjoyed talking to you and I'll look forward to talk to you next week. But right now I have to go. Bye. Click.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

It isn't passive aggressive to not take the call. SOmeone calls. I dont' feel like answering or taking the call. If you want to read more into that than it is, be my guest. I may be too busy to talk, or maybe I don't feel well or whatever. So what? If I NEVER then call you back, yeah, then I probably have nothing to say to you. But, if someone calls, I will call them back later when it is more convenient. And, if I get their voice mail I don't take offense. Sheesh.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

It's not passive aggressive to not answer a call if you're tired or just don't feel like talking. If you are screening the call and only not answering that one person's call then yes. That is passive aggressive. Just tell them you don't want to be friends with them anymore.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

It's not passive aggressive to not answer a call if you're tired or just don't feel like talking. If you are screening the call and only not answering that one person's call then yes. That is passive aggressive. Just tell them you don't want to be friends with them anymore.

No. I don't have to run my life the way you want me too, lol. wink

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
But what difference is that and just not answering the phone?

That's what I don't get.

Stand up and just tell them you can't talk.

Vs.

Not answering in the first place.

I save a step.
Because when you don't answer their calls - you are cutting them out in a passive aggressive manner. When you answer the phone, you let them know they are important to you, and when you give them some of your time vs. none - that says a lot.
This. It's almost like when you are dating someone and they kind of half ass dump you and you never really know the reason why. You're left with this What happened? kind of feeling. People are deserving of a straight answer. If you honestly don't want to be friends with them over this issue then that's your choice. But OWN it. And if you can't handle telling someone you have to go in 15 minutes and then say bye and hang up the issue is not them. It's you. You cut in and say, without stopping, I've really enjoyed talking to you and I'll look forward to talk to you next week. But right now I have to go. Bye. Click.

Well so what?

If it happens to the person often enough, maybe they can figure out they need to shut up some times.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
It's not passive aggressive to not answer a call if you're tired or just don't feel like talking. If you are screening the call and only not answering that one person's call then yes. That is passive aggressive. Just tell them you don't want to be friends with them anymore.

Cause they're too dense to figure it out?

Why does anyone owe anything to any one else?

If they don't return your calls, maybe they just ain't that into you.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Mary Zombie wrote:
Yeah I don't get it. I hear all the time to just stop taking calls and be busy.
But sometimes I do want to be friends but I don't like long phone conversations. I prefer saving that for in person.
And sorry.....most of the time saying you have to go does NOT work for the super long winded. I will tell my friends that I don't like being on the phone alot and most respect that and we text. But sometimes don't and hence screening calls.
I am not going to be held hostage on my phone :)

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Monday 28th of September 2015 12:27:41 PM

So say "goodbye" and hang up.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

You don't have to say goodbye nor hang up if you don't answer in the first place, lol.

Mary Zombie · Guru

Ok. I hate the phone yet I just talked to a dude for 2 hours! Nooooo

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

lilyofcourse wrote:
Sort of goes with this.

Had a guy who kept calling me. He was nice enough. Met him while at the bar with friends one night. We went out once.

He just wasn't my type. Our date was 2 of the longest hours of my life.

He called me every day. I tried to be nice. Did the small talk thing.

And he would call me at work.

I would tell him I couldn't talk and he would ask me out.

I stopped taking his calls. Told who ever answered to take a message.

This went on for months.

One day he called, I was not in the mood to deal with anyone's crap that day. I just happened to answer the phone and recognized his voice immediately.

He asked to speak to me, and without even thinking about it first, told him the tragic news. That I had been killed in a car crash.

He went silent. Then he asked if I was sure and I went off on him a little bit.

"What do you mean am I sure? She was my friend! Why would I say something like that if it wasn't? "

He apologized and said sorry and hung up.

It was about a yr later I ran into him. He told me what he "had heard".

I was shocked. Shocked I tell you.

You told him you were DEAD?!?! Wow.

Thats pretty low.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Why?

I had told him for months, daily, that I wasn't interested.

I had avoided calls and didn't return calls for months.

This went on for a good year.

What's low is the guy could not, or would not, take no for an answer.

I handled it the best way I could.

Or perhaps ya'll would prefer I let him continue to harass me?

Just allow myself to be a victim?

He was stalking me.

The police wouldn't do anything.

I handled it.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Just becssue it worked doesn't mean it was the right thing to do.

Mary Zombie · Guru

Ok.so after a year of telling the guy she wasn't interested what should she have done? She did tell him....so what?
Continue being harrassed?
Im sorry but I just don't believe any of you would have been ok and kept being nice in that situation. No way

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Mellow Momma wrote:
Just becssue it worked doesn't mean it was the right thing to do.

So what would you have done?

I was nice, then not nice, then unavailable. Didn't work.

I talked to police officers.

They said they could do nothing.

I found a solution.

I'm not going to apologize for refusing to be a victim.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:

lilyofcourse wrote:
Sort of goes with this.

Had a guy who kept calling me. He was nice enough. Met him while at the bar with friends one night. We went out once.

He just wasn't my type. Our date was 2 of the longest hours of my life.

He called me every day. I tried to be nice. Did the small talk thing.

And he would call me at work.

I would tell him I couldn't talk and he would ask me out.

I stopped taking his calls. Told who ever answered to take a message.

This went on for months.

One day he called, I was not in the mood to deal with anyone's crap that day. I just happened to answer the phone and recognized his voice immediately.

He asked to speak to me, and without even thinking about it first, told him the tragic news. That I had been killed in a car crash.

He went silent. Then he asked if I was sure and I went off on him a little bit.

"What do you mean am I sure? She was my friend! Why would I say something like that if it wasn't? "

He apologized and said sorry and hung up.

It was about a yr later I ran into him. He told me what he "had heard".

I was shocked. Shocked I tell you.

You told him you were DEAD?!?! Wow.
Thats pretty low.

There is nothing "low" about her telling him whatever she needed to tell him to get him to leave her the hell alone.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I'm having a little trouble believing the every single day for a year story...And when he ran into her a year later, why didn't he start up again?

flan

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Yes, it would be a pain in the butt to have someone call you all the time. So after telling him no, and then not taking his calls, how exactly was this hurting her. Yes, it was annoying, but it wasn't doing any real harm (that's why the police wouldn't get involved). He wasn't threatening her. I think telling someone you died is pretty vile. There are some things you don't lie about.

Having someone else get on the phone and pretend to be her boss saying she will get fired if he calls back, have a man get on the phone and pretend to be her boyfriend and say she is no longer on the market please stop calling...there are options. Saying you died is not ok in my book. It's not something to be joked about or taken lightly.

Tinydancer · Guru

Why is telling him she's dead a bad thing? Just because you wouldn't do it doesn't make it a bad thing. Some people just like to make drama where no drama exists when lily's posting...geeesh

FNW · Guru

That's funny, lily, about running into him later. HAHAHA! Shocked! HAHAHA. That gave me a chuckle.

I had a stalker, but he was a co-worker so I couldn't use that one. So when he came to the door I'd call the police. Then I had a (male) friend come for the weekend to protect me. And since he was a co-worker, I reported him and he was threatened with termination if he didn't leave me alone. All this finally made him stop.

The guy that I would just hang up on stopped calling after about 9 months. It wasn't every day, but it was often enough that it was annoying.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I find interesting that the same ones saying "just tell him you don't want to be friends" are calling me a liar when I say that doesn't always work.

But the when I have done that, and it didn't work and found another way to get the person to leave me alone, well, I'm wrong there too.

FNW · Guru

It didn't always work for me either. I just figured I'm not bitchy enough to convince them.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

lilyofcourse wrote:
I find interesting that the same ones saying "just tell him you don't want to be friends" are calling me a liar when I say that doesn't always work.

But the when I have done that, and it didn't work and found another way to get the person to leave me alone, well, I'm wrong there too.

First, I never called you a liar. I never even disagreed with you that telling the truth doesn't always work. I simply said that telling someome you were dead was not cool. I think there are some lines you don't cross and some lies you don't tell.

Mary Zombie · Guru

I have rarely have someone I had to hang up on take it well. Even if they were friends. They tend to get butthurt until they get over it or not. I can live with it.t
Lily....in the 90's I had an Ex that wouldn't stop calling....waiting by my car after work. I had him tresspassex at work but the police officer did tell him he could get in trouble for calling me after I told him to stop. But the stalking law had just come in effect here luckily.
He never threatened just tried to force me to keep talking about it. He was very controlling and didn't like that I didn't get permission to break up with him.
But he left me alone after my officer friend called.
Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes.

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Tuesday 29th of September 2015 01:18:13 PM

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Mary Zombie wrote:
I have rarely have someone I had to hang up on take it well. Even if they were friends. They tend to get butthurt until they get over it or not. I can live with it.t
Lily....in the 90's I had an Ex that wouldn't stop calling....waiting by my car after work. I had him tresspassex at work but the police officer did tell him he could get in trouble for calling me after I told him to stop. But the stalking law had just come in effect here luckily.
He never threatened just tried to force me to keep talking about it. He was very controlling and didn't like that I didn't get permission to break up with him.
But he left me alone after my officer friend called.
Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes.

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Tuesday 29th of September 2015 01:18:13 PM

Thanks for this.

I don't think people understand until they have been in it.