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ed11563


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My Friend Died Drunk Driving
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Wrecked Reputation

Prudie counsels a letter writer on whether to tell the truth about a friend who died—and killed someone—driving drunk.

By Emily Yoffe
 

Q. D.U.-Lie: Recently, a friend of mine died in a horrific car crash. He got very drunk and drove into oncoming traffic, killing both himself and an innocent man in another car. It’s been a tough time for everyone, particularly his family. When asked about the circumstances surrounding his death, I tell the truth—he drove drunk and killed himself and someone else, it was a tragedy and a waste. However, his mother contacted me to say she’d appreciate it if I didn’t “slander his memory” and wanted me to use the story they tell, which is that the car spun out of control and it was nobody’s fault. (I’m not sure whether or not they mention the other man.) I understand how awful they must feel, and they are his family, but do I have any obligation to tell their lie or any version of it?

A: Yes, this is truly horrific. Two lives were lost, one innocent. You don’t explain the mechanism by which your friend’s family is hearing that you are telling the circumstances of the death. Do people hear the truth from you and run with it to the heartsick parents? If so, shame on them. One can understand that the mother, who is in agony, would like to say what happened was a faultless accident, but it wasn’t. If people ask you what happened, you have no obligation to lie. And frankly there is a social good in people hearing over and over the cost to drunk driving. If the mother contacts you again, you can tell her that you understand the depth of their grief, you will always miss your friend, but that the tragic facts are the facts. 



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karl271


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Or the OP could just say: I am not certain just what the circumstances were. And let it go that way....



-- Edited by karl271 on Monday 28th of September 2015 06:33:55 PM

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karl271 wrote:

Or the OP could just say: I am not certain just what the circumstances were. And let it go that way....



-- Edited by karl271 on Monday 28th of September 2015 06:33:55 PM

 Yeah, that would be better.  The families story is shameful though. They should use your line Karl.



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ed11563


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
karl271 wrote:

Or the OP could just say: I am not certain just what the circumstances were. And let it go that way....



-- Edited by karl271 on Monday 28th of September 2015 06:33:55 PM

 Yeah, that would be better.  The families story is shameful though. They should use your line Karl.

Better??? 

Prudie's point is that the fools who drive somewhere, knowing they're going to be drinking then driving home,

should HEAR THE TRUTH.

 

One of my cousins died way too young. There were two stories ...

(1) he was driving drunk and ran off the road, or

(2) he died in a shootout with ATF agents while running guns from Mexico.

Which is worse?

 



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huskerbb


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ed11563 wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
karl271 wrote:

Or the OP could just say: I am not certain just what the circumstances were. And let it go that way....



-- Edited by karl271 on Monday 28th of September 2015 06:33:55 PM

 Yeah, that would be better.  The families story is shameful though. They should use your line Karl.

Better??? 

Prudie's point is that the fools who drive somewhere, knowing they're going to be drinking then driving home,

should HEAR THE TRUTH.

 

One of my cousins died way too young. There were two stories ...

(1) he was driving drunk and ran off the road, or

(2) he died in a shootout with ATF agents while running guns from Mexico.

Which is worse?

 

#2 is worse. 



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It isn't the LW place to tell the story to mourners, if the mourners really want the truth, they can google the article on the story. The family though, shouldn't spread lies.

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Ohfour


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I disagree. If someone asks, tell them the truth. You dont have to embellish, but you can tell them they died because they were drinking and driving. Truth...

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Just because someone has died does not make it necessary to run around and spill all the gory and salacious details. Yes, that my be the truth, but that doesn't mean everyone has to know every gory detail about everyone. I agree that the mother cannot order him on how he may talk about her son's death. But, I would hope that he has some respect for her feelings and at least when around her, that he is sensitive to her feelings. She did nothing wrong.
As for telling the "truth", a lot of people use that stance as a means to run around and gossip or hurt other people's feelings unnecessarily. What is done cannot be undone. So, there may be a time and place to reveal those details and there are times and places where it is really nobody's business either.

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Ohfour


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My father committed suicide. I didnt sugar coat it. People were telling me how to respond. ...no.
.he killed himself. I didnt advertise it, but when asked, i told the truth.

Thats the difference to me. People asking vs running your mouth...

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I don't think stating the basic facts of what happened is gossiping or wrong. I don't think OP should embellish or go into a lot of detail, but what is said originally is just fine IMO. I would not lie. At all- even saying I don't know would be a lie. The most I would do is to say only that is was a car accident and hope they drop it. If they push for more then say that 'out of respect for so and so's mother I am not going to share the details'. But really, that is just going to pique their interests even more. So what's the point.

I thinks it's really odd when people lie about someone's death. I think the real story is always known but everyone just pretends not to know. It's weird and it doesn't seem healthy.

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huskerbb


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

It isn't the LW place to tell the story to mourners, if the mourners really want the truth, they can google the article on the story. The family though, shouldn't spread lies.

I disagree.  They were friends.  People ask because they know that--they aren't asking a random stranger. 

 

If he'd had a heart attack, you'd just say that.   



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huskerbb wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

It isn't the LW place to tell the story to mourners, if the mourners really want the truth, they can google the article on the story. The family though, shouldn't spread lies.

I disagree.  They were friends.  People ask because they know that--they aren't asking a random stranger. 

 

If he'd had a heart attack, you'd just say that.   

 Twice in one week - I agree with husker. People who don't know, ask the friend so they don't have to ask the parents. Would it be better if the friend said "oh I don't know the circumstances" and so people asked the parents?!?! No. The friend is the exact person who should be telling people what happened - to spare the parents the pain of having to deal with it. 

And stating the facts isn't gossiping. Telling people who didn't ask, or going into gory detail would be gossiping. Answering direct questions with factual succinct answers isn't gossip. 



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Tell the truth without embellishing.

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huskerbb wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

It isn't the LW place to tell the story to mourners, if the mourners really want the truth, they can google the article on the story. The family though, shouldn't spread lies.

I disagree.  They were friends.  People ask because they know that--they aren't asking a random stranger. 

 

If he'd had a heart attack, you'd just say that.   

 Yes, but you don't normally tell them -"He died of a heart attack.  His doctor told him to lower his cholesteral for years, but he wouldn't listen and continued to eat like crap and not exercise until he died."

 

I don't understand why you don't simply say "He died in a car accident" and leave it at that.  I mean, unless someone is close, they shouldn't be asking for specific details, and if they were close - they would already know.



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I think you give people WAY too much credit. If you say "he died in a car accident" people will respond with "oh wow. That's so tragic. Was it the other driver's fault?" or some variation of that requiring the OP to finally give in and tell more details. People will naturally want to know if the deceased was a victim of a terrible crime. The fact that he was the cause of the accident is just that...a fact. It isn't gossip. "He was was apparently driving drunk and tragically it resulted in his death". Done. No drama. And it should keep people from needing more details in the moment.

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flan327


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Mellow Momma wrote:

I think you give people WAY too much credit. If you say "he died in a car accident" people will respond with "oh wow. That's so tragic. Was it the other driver's fault?" or some variation of that requiring the OP to finally give in and tell more details. People will naturally want to know if the deceased was a victim of a terrible crime. The fact that he was the cause of the accident is just that...a fact. It isn't gossip. "He was was apparently driving drunk and tragically it resulted in his death". Done. No drama. And it should keep people from needing more details in the moment.

 I agree, and IF it would make ONE person think about NOT driving after they've had a few drinks...win/win.

flan



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Mellow Momma wrote:

I think you give people WAY too much credit. If you say "he died in a car accident" people will respond with "oh wow. That's so tragic. Was it the other driver's fault?" or some variation of that requiring the OP to finally give in and tell more details. People will naturally want to know if the deceased was a victim of a terrible crime. The fact that he was the cause of the accident is just that...a fact. It isn't gossip. "He was was apparently driving drunk and tragically it resulted in his death". Done. No drama. And it should keep people from needing more details in the moment.

 "oh wow. That's so tragic. Was it the other driver's fault?" 

 

"No, it wasn't the other driver's fault.  But out of respect for the dead and his grieving family, I'd rather not talk about the details."



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huskerbb


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So we brush the drinking and driving issue under the rug. Got it. Never talk about it and it will magically go away on its own.

My own little brother died in a one car accident. He had been drinking. Was he drunk? I don't know, but if I had to guess I would venture to say he was. He was a great kid, and he was doing what a lot of kids his age do--but he paid for it, we all did.

Not talking about it doesn't change a damn thing, but maybe it could make even just one person stop and think.

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If the grieving family has asked you to stop, then yes, you stop. How is that even a question? Trust me, by saying "I'd rather not discuss the details out of respect for the dead and his grieving family", that person is going to go home and google it.

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Heck, you can even tell them his family has asked you not to discuss it.

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huskerbb


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It's not really up to them to control what everyone says.

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I'm so sorry Husker.

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Ohfour


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He's not slandering the friend. He is telling the truth. He KILLED somebody. I don't really give a rat's ass that the family wants him to LIE.

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Lexxy wrote:

I'm so sorry Husker.

As am I.

flan 



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Lawyerlady wrote:

If the grieving family has asked you to stop, then yes, you stop. How is that even a question? Trust me, by saying "I'd rather not discuss the details out of respect for the dead and his grieving family", that person is going to go home and google it.

They are LYING to make themselves feel better.

Deal with the TRUTH.

flan 



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Ohfour wrote:

He's not slandering the friend. He is telling the truth. He KILLED somebody. I don't really give a rat's ass that the family wants him to LIE.

 I would not lie for them.  But I would refuse to talk about it for them.



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Refusing to talk about is only going to make it a bigger topic of conversation than it already is. It's going to make it a HUGER scandal and it's going to make people who weren't talking about it, talk about it.

I think you take away something's power when you toss it right out there for the world. The family is the one creating drama by trying to hide what happened. When you try and cover things up it causes everyone to talk and gossip and whisper. They need to own it, tell everyone who asks that he made a horrible mistake and it cost him his life.



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It doesn't matter. If I am a friend of the family, and they ask me not to talk about it - I'm not going to. Because when my friends are grieving, I want to do what comforts them, not what fulfills the curiousity of the masses. The person at fault is dead - his family is suffering. I do not want to be a part of making that suffering worse when I can just keep my mouth shut.

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Ohfour


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But he didn't say he was a friend of the family...and if my friends were flat out lying about something like this (and asking me to), they wouldn't be my friends any longer anyway...

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Ohfour wrote:

But he didn't say he was a friend of the family...and if my friends were flat out lying about something like this (and asking me to), they wouldn't be my friends any longer anyway...

 I already said I wouldn't lie, and I would tell them that.  But it's not either/or. 



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My point is the family may think this will comfort them, but all it will do is cause more talking and gossiping. Which won't be much of a comfort.

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