TOTALLY GEEKED!

See if the parents' health insurance covers nursing services and help around the house.

Use those assets to take care of the parents.

Amy's response -


Dear Overwhelmed: The stress and physical work involved in your housecleaning and lawn care for your folks is bad for your own health. If you aren’t well, you will not be able to help your parents. Assume that your siblings will simply not step up, so explore all alternatives to you doing this yourself.

Start by contacting your local Office on Aging for elder care resources in your community. If your parents have enough money in the bank to leave their children money after their deaths, then they should pay for these services now.

Schedule a conference call with your siblings to discuss your parents’ practical needs — and the alternatives and resources available to them.

If you decide to continue to provide this care yourself, the Family Caregiver Alliance (caregiver.org) offers recommendations for drawing up a “personal care agreement” with your parents; this is a contract outlining specific duties you will perform for them, as well as compensation attached to these duties.

As it is, you should keep track of the hours you spend doing these caretaking jobs for your parents. You can make a claim to the executor of your parents’ estate for reimbursement.

NAOW wrote:

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I like it except for the part of conference calling the siblings. She's been doing the work, so it's not really up to them. I bet the siblings will balk to their future inheritance being wasted on help when they can get the sister to do it for free.

One of my friends is going through this right now. She takes care of her MIL and found out that the retirement/nursing home they'd been waiting on was turned down by her sister in law when they called because a room opened up. SIL isn't taking care of her, but doesn't want to pay someone to do it either.

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Wow.  Yikes! 

huskerbb wrote:

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Stop doing it. People like to play the martyr. She is complaining about what everyone else is not doing--but isn't changing anything. Some letter to an advice columnist isn't going to make her siblings magically do more.

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 Stop doing what, Husker - helping her folks?

If the sibs wont help how are u going to make them? Dont make it even more miserable. Hire help.

sweet tooth wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Hire help with their money. it is their responsibility to pay for themselves. That is the Point of saving for old age.

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 I agree but some of the elderly people I know would rather work their adult children into the ground than spend money. They also don't save up for their own funerals, thinking "my kid owes me". Many old people feel entitled to all their children's time and money, no matter what the child's other responsibilities are. I have kids and I can't even imagine treating them like that in the future.

 

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 Thank God my dad isn't like that.  He's always worrying about being a burden and insisted on taking out life insurance that he pays for out of his SS check month so I'll have more than enough to take care of business when he is gone.

Honeys_Mom wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Stop doing it. People like to play the martyr. She is complaining about what everyone else is not doing--but isn't changing anything. Some letter to an advice columnist isn't going to make her siblings magically do more.

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 Stop doing what, Husker - helping her folks?

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 If she can't do it--yes.  The alternative is to keep doing what she is doing, which she doesn't seem to be happy with. 

 

Either do it and shut up--or quit doing it.  There is not some third option by which you can write in to an advice columnist and make your siblings magically start pitching in. 

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Mary Zombie wrote:

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I agree with husker. They will probably magically be able to.pay for their care when she stops doing it.
My sister was obviously against our parents going to an ALF.....
Bro and I made the decisions and told her she didn't help to tought titty kitty.
Dad begged me to move in with them but I held firm . No I am your daughter not the caretaker.
Guardianships do help though. I would suggest the LW explore that.

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 I don't know.  Guardianships create a legal fiduciary duty that will actually require her to report to the court for every little thing. 

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I agree.  I'd only do that as a last resort. 

I think if she quits mowing the lawn--they'll hire someone to do it.  Same way with a lot of the other chores.  If they don't/can't--then maybe it's time for Shady Pines.   

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Shady pines lol.

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Seriously, though, if mom can't even bathe herself--it's time to consider it.