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ed11563 · Guru

Daughter won't pay back loans

Tinydancer · Guru

Never ever lend money to family that you can't afford to lose. If you have to choose between losing some money (which can can obviously afford) or your daughter you then at least have a choice.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Sounds like he created this monster. Why keep giving her money when she already owes you and has stolen from you?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

NAOW wrote:
Sounds like he created this monster. Why keep giving her money when she already owes you and has stolen from you?

That's what I said. I was thinking, Sheesh, she hasn't paid off one set of money and they're lending her more?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

They didnt know she was running up their cc for an entire year? And they are whining about signing a car lease? Wow what a victim.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

That's the other thing. It says for over a year. Do they not check their balance? Really? This is all on them. This girl played them like a drum. And they beat a tune she loved to hear. They have no one to blame but themselves.

ed11563 · Guru

The only solution I see is to balance the books between their kids in their wills.

Before anything else, give an amount equal to this daughter's loans/gifts/theft, to each of the other kids.

Then split the rest of the assets equally.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Personally, trying to keep everything "equal" in life seems a bit ridiculous. When we die, yes, they can split all the assets 3 ways. And, that is how I would want it. But, if I spend more on one of my kid's college than the other, that doesn't mean I somehow "owe" my other children. My oldest son is living at home doing a 2 yr degree. That's what he wants to do. My younger son wants to go to 4 yrs to become an engineer and DD wants to be a pharmacist. So, I am not going to pass out money for college in equal amounts. We will help each one to the extent that we can based on our finances.

huskerbb · Guru

Tinydancer wrote:
Never ever lend money to family that you can't afford to lose. If you have to choose between losing some money (which can can obviously afford) or your daughter you then at least have a choice.

Yup. chalk it up as lesson learned and move on. You can square things with the other siblings.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

There is nothing to "square". I don't have to spend equal amounts and book keep.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Personally, trying to keep everything "equal" in life seems a bit ridiculous. When we die, yes, they can split all the assets 3 ways. And, that is how I would want it. But, if I spend more on one of my kid's college than the other, that doesn't mean I somehow "owe" my other children. My oldest son is living at home doing a 2 yr degree. That's what he wants to do. My younger son wants to go to 4 yrs to become an engineer and DD wants to be a pharmacist. So, I am not going to pass out money for college in equal amounts. We will help each one to the extent that we can based on our finances.

I would try to keep,things as equal as possible or it could cause bad feelings between the siblings that could last a long time, or maybe even a lifetime.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I really don't know if things are "as equal as possible". I give my kids what they need. I don't really care what the $ amounts are. And, I am not going to keep some log of "oh I spent $100 on basketball shoes for my son so now I need to buy DD something for $100". If you want to do that, fine. I am just not going to waste my time with that. My kids are well cared for, they get everything they need and far, far more. Some years I might spend more on one than the other. Their needs are different. DD has different wants and needs than my sons and vice versa. Some years, when DD was young, she was happy getting a few cheap plastic toys for Christmas when my boys wanted the new Xbox. So what? Everyone was happy. If they want to measure happiness in terms of $$ then that is pretty sad indeed. Yeah, of course you don't dress one kid in rags from Goodwill and buy another all their clothes from Hollister.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I really don't know if things are "as equal as possible". I give my kids what they need. I don't really care what the $ amounts are. And, I am not going to keep some log of "oh I spent $100 on basketball shoes for my son so now I need to buy DD something for $100". If you want to do that, fine. I am just not going to waste my time with that. My kids are well cared for, they get everything they need and far, far more. Some years I might spend more on one than the other. Their needs are different. DD has different wants and needs than my sons and vice versa. Some years, when DD was young, she was happy getting a few cheap plastic toys for Christmas when my boys wanted the new Xbox. So what? Everyone was happy. If they want to measure happiness in terms of $$ then that is pretty sad indeed. Yeah, of course you don't dress one kid in rags from Goodwill and buy another all their clothes from Hollister.

A couple hundred bucks is no big deal, but if you buy one a car and don't buy one for any of their siblings, you are setting them up to have jealousy and hard feelings in the future.

I have seen this first hand in my moms family. Her and her siblings are not close.

-- Edited by huskerbb on Saturday 17th of October 2015 11:05:20 AM

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, if you raise entitled monsters who think they are entitled to the parents money, then yes, that is what you are going to get. My kids are not entitled to the money DH and I have earned. Sorry. When we croak, they can split it 3 ways. But, until then, how we spend it and on whom we spend it isn't any of their business.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, if you raise entitled monsters who think they are entitled to the parents money, then yes, that is what you are going to get. My kids are not entitled to the money DH and I have earned. Sorry. When we croak, they can split it 3 ways. But, until then, how we spend it and on whom we spend it isn't any of their business.

But you don't get to control how they feel about it. You may think you can --but you'd be wrong.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Oh, I really don't care. They can feel entitled all they want too.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

And, people who feel entitled are miserable people who are NEVER satisfied no matter what anyway. So, go feel however you want to feel. I know that DH and I work very hard to provide for our children. If they want to get their gym shorts in a knot over some stupid schit, that's on them.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

The more that you give an entitled person, the more they think they have somehow been shafted. So, even if you wrote a check out to each kid for 100K, then the entitlted one will then say "Oh , I did more for mom. I took her to the doctor, blah, blah" or whatever. They will never feel it is "equal". Entitled people are always miserable.

Tinydancer · Guru

Imagine that. Not all families react like huskers. It seems his family is pretty much in it for themselves.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, DH's family, his SIL was like "oh I did more for Mom so you guys shouldn't get anything". And, it is true, we lived several hours away and had small kids at the time and full time jobs, so yeah his sister did more of the caretaking. Honestly, we really didn't care if got a thing. Don't need it. But, Dh's brother was really upset by her attitude and DH's brother lived in the same town and he and his wife did help as well. So, yeah, there is no "equal" in the minds of a lot of people.

On the other hand, I was the sole caretaker for my mom. I moved her to my town after my dad died. And, I was with her through emergency surgeries, assisted living , nursing home and dementia. My sis lives several states away. She did make a few trips up here and there but she has a job and can only take so much time off. So, when she died, I didn't play the caretaker card. It was my privilege to be there for my mom. And, my mom's money was not my money. As the Executor, the lawyer said I can really distribute the money any way I wish too. Despite what wills say, Executors have a lot of leeway to do what they want, unless someone is going to challenge a will or whatever. So I did what my mom wanted, which was split it 50/50. People can choose to feel "entitled" or not. Her money was not my money.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Tinydancer wrote:

Imagine that. Not all families react like huskers. It seems his family is pretty much in it for themselves.

The only proper way to live life is exactly as husker prescribes, lol. smile

Tinydancer · Guru

I've noticed that...

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Except when he himself doesn't take his own advice! lol

Tinydancer · Guru

Exactly...lol

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

I try to keep things as equal as possible because I know how it feels to sit and watch one person get an expensive camera while you get slippers. It hurts.

Growing up, DH was treated like a second class citizen while his brothers were doted on. He got jumper cables one year for Christmas (he didn't even own a car and only drove the family car only in emergencies) and his brothers each got a brand new TV for their rooms. So while the money spent may have been equal (it wasn't, but I am giving my in laws the benefit of the doubt) the sentiment certainly wasn't. And yes, your kids can tell when you don't care. And yes, it hurts like hell and it has nothing to do with being entitled and everything to do with being human.

I understand your reasoning Gaga and I think it's great that YOUR kids act like they don't care or notice. But that doesn't mean they don't care and notice. It really hurts when one child gets more than the others. It may wash out in the end, but who wants to be the kid that has to wait for it to even out while the others have the newest thing? And to be clear, I am not talking about needs like supplies for school or sports, I am talking about gifts.

Mary Zombie · Guru

Yeah....it should be the parents business what they do financially for whom but in reality when there's a huge disparity....it can create a really Poor dynamic and cause alot of hurt feelings my family is a prime example. Bro and I didn't feel entitled but the emotional aspect of one sibling always benefitting. Makes you think what is wrong with me? Why am I not being rewarded for making better choices?

And why is it all about the "special" one all of the time. Even if we know in our intellect it hurts like hell.

Edited for typos!

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Saturday 17th of October 2015 12:16:55 PM

Tinydancer · Guru

I don't think LGS meant she favored one over the other. Just that she doesn't dwell on who got what.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

There is a big difference between giving your kids what they need and "treating them like second class citizens". If I bought plastic toys for my boys when they were 5 and then DD who is 5, I buy her the same things but the boys get something different because they are older, in what way is that Not Fair? They are at different stages in life. So, the spending is probably pretty much the same, but it may not APPEAR that way because you do different things for a 5 yr old than you do a 12 yr old. My oldest son is 7 yrs older than DD. So, yeah, I am going to get him different things. We bought our oldest son a car. First, he hadn't planned to go to college so that seemed like a necessity to work. Well, now he is at a local tech school in a 16 month program. My younger son is 18. We didn't buy him a car. But, he is going to go to a more expensive school for 4 yrs rather than 16 months. So, is that "equal" or does that fall under "not fair"?
We know that we treat our kids fairly and that we work hard to provide for them. If they choose to latch on to bullschit and baloney and trump up some phony case of "mistreatment", then we can't help that.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Mary Zombie wrote:

Yeah....it should be the parents business what they do financially for whom but in reality when there's a huge disparity....it can create a realky Poirier dynamic and cause alot of hurt feelings my family is a prime example. Bro and I didn't feel entitled but the emotional aspect of one sibling always benefitting. Makes you think what is wrong with me? Why am I not being rewarded for making better choices?

Well, if they make poor choices, they are absolutely not rewarded. They get to feel the consequences of their own stupidity.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:

Yeah....it should be the parents business what they do financially for whom but in reality when there's a huge disparity....it can create a realky Poirier dynamic and cause alot of hurt feelings my family is a prime example. Bro and I didn't feel entitled but the emotional aspect of one sibling always benefitting. Makes you think what is wrong with me? Why am I not being rewarded for making better choices?

Well, if they make poor choices, they are absolutely not rewarded. They get to feel the consequences of their own stupidity.

thats mostly not true. Parents tend to compensate their poorest kid. They are, in fact, rewarded for poor choices. Who are mom and dad more likely to pay rent for? their lawyer daughter or the single mom daughter who works part time at 7-11.

-- Edited by huskerbb on Saturday 17th of October 2015 12:00:59 PM

huskerbb · Guru

Tinydancer wrote:
I don't think LGS meant she favored one over the other. Just that she doesn't dwell on who got what.

She probably doesn't--most parents don't--but that doesn't mean the kids don't notice.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Even so, so what? It isn't either kid's money. It isn't YOUR money if you are doing well and successful. Sorry but mommy and daddy dont' have to reward you with money. If mom and dad choose to help another kid get on their feet, that is really none of your business is it if you are the other sib. So, if you really want to spend your life keeping score, then I guess you may. Or, you can look at your parents and realize that they are trying to do the best they can do and sometimes they can't keep track of everyone's real or imagined slights.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Even so, so what? It isn't either kid's money. It isn't YOUR money if you are doing well and successful. Sorry but mommy and daddy dont' have to reward you with money. If mom and dad choose to help another kid get on their feet, that is really none of your business is it if you are the other sib. So, if you really want to spend your life keeping score, then I guess you may. Or, you can look at your parents and realize that they are trying to do the best they can do and sometimes they can't keep track of everyone's real or imagined slights.

?? So what? I'm not even arguing that point.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

huskerbb wrote:

Tinydancer wrote:
I don't think LGS meant she favored one over the other. Just that she doesn't dwell on who got what.
She probably doesn't--most parents don't--but that doesn't mean the kids don't notice.

Notice what? I know that we treat our kids with love and fairness and do whatever we can to get them on track in life. If they want to gin up some imaginary slights and offenses, not sure what we can really do about that. Or, should we go ask their permission every time we buy a jacket for one of them?

Tinydancer · Guru

husker believes he has a right to his parents money. He made that quite clear on another thread.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

Tinydancer wrote:
I don't think LGS meant she favored one over the other. Just that she doesn't dwell on who got what.
She probably doesn't--most parents don't--but that doesn't mean the kids don't notice.

Notice what? I know that we treat our kids with love and fairness and do whatever we can to get them on track in life. If they want to gin up some imaginary slights and offenses, not sure what we can really do about that. Or, should we go ask their permission every time we buy a jacket for one of them?

That won't happen if fairness is actually part of the equation.

huskerbb · Guru

Tinydancer wrote:
husker believes he has a right to his parents money. He made that quite clear on another thread.

You are a liar. Quote me where I said anything of the sort.

Tinydancer · Guru

You deny you said I didn't love my mother because I wouldn't force her to spend her money the way I thought she should? You seemed pretty adamant that you' take your mothers money away if she didn't do as you thought she should. It seems you are the liar.

-- Edited by Tinydancer on Saturday 17th of October 2015 12:15:27 PM

huskerbb · Guru

Tinydancer wrote:
You deny you said I didn't love my mother because I wouldn't force her to spend her money the way I thought she should? You seemed pretty adamant that you' take your mothers money away if she didn't do as you thought she should. It seems you are the liar.

-- Edited by Tinydancer on Saturday 17th of October 2015 12:15:27 PM

Again, quote me where I said I would take anyone's money away from them.

What at I said was that if you allow someone to bilk your parents out of their life savings that you don't love them.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Your parenting sounds pretty fair to me LGS.

Tinydancer · Guru

huskerbb wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
You deny you said I didn't love my mother because I wouldn't force her to spend her money the way I thought she should? You seemed pretty adamant that you' take your mothers money away if she didn't do as you thought she should. It seems you are the liar.

-- Edited by Tinydancer on Saturday 17th of October 2015 12:15:27 PM
Again, quote me where I said I would take anyone's money away from them.

What at I said was that if you allow someone to bilk your parents out of their life savings that you don't love them.

That's not how I read it and it seems you worry about other peoples money a lot.

huskerbb · Guru

Tinydancer wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
You deny you said I didn't love my mother because I wouldn't force her to spend her money the way I thought she should? You seemed pretty adamant that you' take your mothers money away if she didn't do as you thought she should. It seems you are the liar.

-- Edited by Tinydancer on Saturday 17th of October 2015 12:15:27 PM
Again, quote me where I said I would take anyone's money away from them.

What at I said was that if you allow someone to bilk your parents out of their life savings that you don't love them.
That's not how I read it and it seems you worry about other peoples money a lot.

Well, that's exactly what it said. is English not your first language?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

NAOW wrote:

Your parenting sounds pretty fair to me LGS.

Thanks. I mean, yeah, I don't think anyone could say my kids are lacking for anything! biggrin

Tinydancer · Guru

Pulling out that old insult is very clever husker...

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

huskerbb wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

Tinydancer wrote:
I don't think LGS meant she favored one over the other. Just that she doesn't dwell on who got what.
She probably doesn't--most parents don't--but that doesn't mean the kids don't notice.

Notice what? I know that we treat our kids with love and fairness and do whatever we can to get them on track in life. If they want to gin up some imaginary slights and offenses, not sure what we can really do about that. Or, should we go ask their permission every time we buy a jacket for one of them?
That won't happen if fairness is actually part of the equation.

I disagree. When kids are raised as entitled greedy monsters, nothing is ever "fair" in their eyes.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Kind of like buying presents for the other kids when someone is having a birthday? I always found that to be idiotic. No, it isn't your birthday. You are going to learn to be happy and gracious for someone else who is having their birthday today.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

But, perhaps we disagree on what defines "fair". I don't define fair as having spent equal dollar amounts of my kids. Maybe some people do. If that is the definition of fair, then maybe I have achieved that or maybe I don't. I sure as hell am not going to keep some log book every time I buy one kid a pair of shoes. Sometimes one needs more. DD has gone to a couple of dances this year. She likes to dress up so yeah, I bought her some pretty dresses and accessories. Am I supposed to then run out that week and buy stuff for my sons or cut them a check? That just seems ridiculous.

Mary Zombie · Guru

Um ok.....preventing your elderly parent from giving away their assets to con artists is not the same thing here.
Oy.

huskerbb · Guru

Also, the letter is about money. Are we not allowed to discuss money even if the thread directly relates to it? You can give your opinion on it but I cant?

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

Tinydancer wrote:
I don't think LGS meant she favored one over the other. Just that she doesn't dwell on who got what.
She probably doesn't--most parents don't--but that doesn't mean the kids don't notice.

Notice what? I know that we treat our kids with love and fairness and do whatever we can to get them on track in life. If they want to gin up some imaginary slights and offenses, not sure what we can really do about that. Or, should we go ask their permission every time we buy a jacket for one of them?
That won't happen if fairness is actually part of the equation.

I disagree. When kids are raised as entitled greedy monsters, nothing is ever "fair" in their eyes.

You don't get to control how they feel about it.

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