TOTALLY GEEKED!

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

RE: Daughter won't pay back loans

NAOW · Vette's SS

flan327 wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
Of, FFS.

My mother was and STILL is one of those people that have to spend to the penny on the kids. And everyone has to have the exact same amount of gifts. My sister and I HATED that growing up. Now her grandkids do too. It's taxing on everyone. It makes the day burdensome on everyone.

We don't match dollar for dollar. We don't match gift for gift. The kids don't care. We get them what they want and that's enough. Some years we spend more on one, the next year less.

When DD graduated, we were in a tough spot financially. She got a nice set of luggage.

When DS graduated 4 years later, we were doing MUCH better financially. He got $2500 for graduation. But the next year, I paid for her wedding.

I got a truck for my 16th bday. When my sister turned 16, my father was on a bender, unemployed, and would die a couple of months later. She understood...

It's all about what you can do when you can do it. And if your kids get all butt hurt, that's on you...
In many families, yes, BUT there are dysfunctional parents who favor one child to a ridiculous extent. There are at least 3 examples on this thread.
flan

Yes, but those families would find a way to favor one kid no matter what. They are not like the other examples given,(oh four and lgs) who don't play favorites.

huskerbb · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
And some people see favoritism where there is none.

My aunt and uncle have 2 daughters, Liz and Kate.

Kate got pregnant right out of high school, moved out of state, got married to a LOSER. Well when the baby was about a year old, she packed up and moved back home. His parents paid for him to fight her tooth and nail over custody. Since they lived out of state, aunt and uncle had to hire an out of state lawyer and had to travel for court hearings. They spent a pretty penny making sure Kate got custody and was allowed to move back home.

Fast forward 5 years and Liz got married. For a wedding present, they gave her 15K towards a down payment on a home.

Well, when Kate decided to buy, she expected the same. They told her that they had spent her money on getting custody.

She is still angry with them to this day. She says that the two are not the same, that her getting custody should not mean that she doesn't get help with a house. That they should have paid for the lawyer because they love her son...

And that is unreasonable because they did spend a similar amount of money on both of them.

It's not about keeping track of every Christmas gift down to the penny--but with the "big" things, you should be as fair as possible. You'll be gone, but you want your kids to get along after that point. Setting up conditions where that is unlikely is not wise.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Ohfour wrote:

And some people see favoritism where there is none.

My aunt and uncle have 2 daughters, Liz and Kate.

Kate got pregnant right out of high school, moved out of state, got married to a LOSER. Well when the baby was about a year old, she packed up and moved back home. His parents paid for him to fight her tooth and nail over custody. Since they lived out of state, aunt and uncle had to hire an out of state lawyer and had to travel for court hearings. They spent a pretty penny making sure Kate got custody and was allowed to move back home.

Fast forward 5 years and Liz got married. For a wedding present, they gave her 15K towards a down payment on a home.

Well, when Kate decided to buy, she expected the same. They told her that they had spent her money on getting custody.

She is still angry with them to this day. She says that the two are not the same, that her getting custody should not mean that she doesn't get help with a house. That they should have paid for the lawyer because they love her son...

This is my point exactly. Entitled people will NEVER believe anything is fair. You need to raise your kids so they don't feel entitled to your money and to make their own way in life. Trying to sit around and parlay out equal amounts is nonsensical. My son has celiac's and I spent a lot of money on his gluten free diet until I really understood how to manage it and make my own foods. Is that "unfair" to my other kids? DD was asked to play on a travel basketball team. My sons didn't play on a travel team. They were never asked to and it is something that never came up. Is that "unfair" to them? I send my younger son and DD to basketball camps in the summer. My oldest son never wanted to go. Is that "unfair" to him and do I now need to write him a check?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

huskerbb wrote:

Ohfour wrote:
And some people see favoritism where there is none.

My aunt and uncle have 2 daughters, Liz and Kate.

Kate got pregnant right out of high school, moved out of state, got married to a LOSER. Well when the baby was about a year old, she packed up and moved back home. His parents paid for him to fight her tooth and nail over custody. Since they lived out of state, aunt and uncle had to hire an out of state lawyer and had to travel for court hearings. They spent a pretty penny making sure Kate got custody and was allowed to move back home.

Fast forward 5 years and Liz got married. For a wedding present, they gave her 15K towards a down payment on a home.

Well, when Kate decided to buy, she expected the same. They told her that they had spent her money on getting custody.

She is still angry with them to this day. She says that the two are not the same, that her getting custody should not mean that she doesn't get help with a house. That they should have paid for the lawyer because they love her son...
And that is unreasonable because they did spend a similar amount of money on both of them.
It's not about keeping track of every Christmas gift down to the penny--but with the "big" things, you should be as fair as possible. You'll be gone, but you want your kids to get along after that point. Setting up conditions where that is unlikely is not wise.

So, you waxed on about "feelings" but now her feelings don't matter, lol! This was exactly the point I was making. The entitled will ALWAYS feel like they got the shaft.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

Ohfour wrote:
And some people see favoritism where there is none.

My aunt and uncle have 2 daughters, Liz and Kate.

Kate got pregnant right out of high school, moved out of state, got married to a LOSER. Well when the baby was about a year old, she packed up and moved back home. His parents paid for him to fight her tooth and nail over custody. Since they lived out of state, aunt and uncle had to hire an out of state lawyer and had to travel for court hearings. They spent a pretty penny making sure Kate got custody and was allowed to move back home.

Fast forward 5 years and Liz got married. For a wedding present, they gave her 15K towards a down payment on a home.

Well, when Kate decided to buy, she expected the same. They told her that they had spent her money on getting custody.

She is still angry with them to this day. She says that the two are not the same, that her getting custody should not mean that she doesn't get help with a house. That they should have paid for the lawyer because they love her son...
And that is unreasonable because they did spend a similar amount of money on both of them.
It's not about keeping track of every Christmas gift down to the penny--but with the "big" things, you should be as fair as possible. You'll be gone, but you want your kids to get along after that point. Setting up conditions where that is unlikely is not wise.

So, you waxed on about "feelings" but now her feelings don't matter, lol! This was exactly the point I was making. The entitled will ALWAYS feel like they got the shaft.

Where, in my entire response, is the word "feelings" or any variation thereof?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

huskerbb wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I really don't know if things are "as equal as possible". I give my kids what they need. I don't really care what the $ amounts are. And, I am not going to keep some log of "oh I spent $100 on basketball shoes for my son so now I need to buy DD something for $100". If you want to do that, fine. I am just not going to waste my time with that. My kids are well cared for, they get everything they need and far, far more. Some years I might spend more on one than the other. Their needs are different. DD has different wants and needs than my sons and vice versa. Some years, when DD was young, she was happy getting a few cheap plastic toys for Christmas when my boys wanted the new Xbox. So what? Everyone was happy. If they want to measure happiness in terms of $$ then that is pretty sad indeed. Yeah, of course you don't dress one kid in rags from Goodwill and buy another all their clothes from Hollister.
A couple hundred bucks is no big deal, but if you buy one a car and don't buy one for any of their siblings, you are setting them up to have jealousy and hard feelings in the future.

I have seen this first hand in my moms family. Her and her siblings are not close.

-- Edited by huskerbb on Saturday 17th of October 2015 11:05:20 AM

Yeah...

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I really don't know if things are "as equal as possible". I give my kids what they need. I don't really care what the $ amounts are. And, I am not going to keep some log of "oh I spent $100 on basketball shoes for my son so now I need to buy DD something for $100". If you want to do that, fine. I am just not going to waste my time with that. My kids are well cared for, they get everything they need and far, far more. Some years I might spend more on one than the other. Their needs are different. DD has different wants and needs than my sons and vice versa. Some years, when DD was young, she was happy getting a few cheap plastic toys for Christmas when my boys wanted the new Xbox. So what? Everyone was happy. If they want to measure happiness in terms of $$ then that is pretty sad indeed. Yeah, of course you don't dress one kid in rags from Goodwill and buy another all their clothes from Hollister.
A couple hundred bucks is no big deal, but if you buy one a car and don't buy one for any of their siblings, you are setting them up to have jealousy and hard feelings in the future.

I have seen this first hand in my moms family. Her and her siblings are not close.

-- Edited by huskerbb on Saturday 17th of October 2015 11:05:20 AM

Yeah...

You weren't responding to that post. Where in my last post did I say anything about feelings? That is the one you were responding to. I never said feelings didn't matter.