TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Carolyn: Husband should share household chores

huskerbb · Guru

I doubt that will work.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Why can't people just tell each other what they need? No one has the ability to read minds.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

lilyofcourse wrote:
Why can't people just tell each other what they need? No one has the ability to read minds.

She said she does.

I’ll mention here and there that I need his help or would like him to pitch in, and my requests go ignored until I get upset/overwhelmed. He’ll feel bad, go on a cleaning/cooking spree for a few days, and then gradually leave the duties to me again.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Yeah, it sounds like he just isn't going to help unless she pitches a big fit. The underlying issue isn't that a spouse "helps" in the first place. To ask to "help" kind of implies that only the other spouse is responsible and that he is doing a favor to pitch in. On the contrary, it is HIS house too. If is his responsibility to care for it and help maintain and clean it.

Actually in the Bible, the men were given charge as Husbands. Animal husbandry over animals and the home, etc. Men were given responsibilities and Eve is actually the Helpmate, if you will.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Yeah, it sounds like he just isn't going to help unless she pitches a big fit. The underlying issue isn't that a spouse "helps" in the first place. To ask to "help" kind of implies that only the other spouse is responsible and that he is doing a favor to pitch in. On the contrary, it is HIS house too. If is his responsibility to care for it and help maintain and clean it.

Actually in the Bible, the men were given charge as Husbands. Animal husbandry over animals and the home, etc. Men were given responsibilities and Eve is actually the Helpmate, if you will.

Exactly. It's like when a father says he is "babysitting". Uhhhh - NO. They are your kids, too.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

The LW has been married for a year. So, she really needs to establish good patterns here in her marriage or it is only going to get worse. First she needs to step back and be objective. Is she really asking for SPECIFIC help or in vague terms? What are her expectations and is she being realistic in what can really be accomplished in a day or weekend or month? Are there certain chores that she can't stand that maybe he is more amenable too? For instance, DH does the grocery shopping. For me, that is a huge timesaver. He doesn't like to cook and I do so that frees up a lot of time. Does she take on things that he could do instead?

However, probably what has happened is that she doesn't have confidence in him as a husband to get things done. And, he probably has dropped the ball so many times, that she is now left to juggle them all.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Yeah, it sounds like he just isn't going to help unless she pitches a big fit. The underlying issue isn't that a spouse "helps" in the first place. To ask to "help" kind of implies that only the other spouse is responsible and that he is doing a favor to pitch in. On the contrary, it is HIS house too. If is his responsibility to care for it and help maintain and clean it.

Actually in the Bible, the men were given charge as Husbands. Animal husbandry over animals and the home, etc. Men were given responsibilities and Eve is actually the Helpmate, if you will.
Exactly. It's like when a father says he is "babysitting". Uhhhh - NO. They are your kids, too.

YES!!!! Men don't "babysit" their own children!!

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Lawyerlady wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Why can't people just tell each other what they need? No one has the ability to read minds.

She said she does.

I’ll mention here and there that I need his help or would like him to pitch in, and my requests go ignored until I get upset/overwhelmed. He’ll feel bad, go on a cleaning/cooking spree for a few days, and then gradually leave the duties to me again.

I dont know. Mentioning you need help with what you are doing is not the same as saying outright you need him to do more.

It's like "can you help fold the towels" vs. "I need you to do a X, Y, and Z because I am not able to do it all the time".

And then there is the possibility that when he does do something, she corrects him or redesign it or complains he isn't doing it right.

I don't know that is the case but it is a possibility.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Yes. She might not be clear about what she wants. Some women do expect men to be mind readers.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

However, the 'I am not going to do chores because wifey corrects me" punt gets pretty old. Boo freaking hoo. Yeah, you shouldn't go on some beitchy rampage if he doesn't fold the towels the right way. But, I don't think men get a pass to just do some crap arse job either. There are things that need done in every household. Just get them done. Sheesh.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I've seen it though. The complaining about something is done constantly can make you not want to do it.

We have a rule in our house, if you see it needs done, do it.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:

I've seen it though. The complaining about something is done constantly can make you not want to do it.

We have a rule in our house, if you see it needs done, do it.

Oh, I agree. There are some women who are never satisfied and who beitch constantly. There is no "right" way to fold towels. There are some women who have decided this is the "right' way and the only way. I have seen that too.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I've seen it though. The complaining about something is done constantly can make you not want to do it.

We have a rule in our house, if you see it needs done, do it.

Oh, I agree. There are some women who are never satisfied and who beitch constantly. There is no "right" way to fold towels. There are some women who have decided this is the "right' way and the only way. I have seen that too.

Yes, there is a "right way" to fold towells if the towells will only fit in the linen closet one way. Jamming them in and not folding them the only way they fit is not "helping".

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Mellow Momma wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I've seen it though. The complaining about something is done constantly can make you not want to do it.

We have a rule in our house, if you see it needs done, do it.

Oh, I agree. There are some women who are never satisfied and who beitch constantly. There is no "right" way to fold towels. There are some women who have decided this is the "right' way and the only way. I have seen that too.
Yes, there is a "right way" to fold towells if the towells will only fit in the linen closet one way. Jamming them in and not folding them the only way they fit is not "helping".

And that is the attitude that leads others to not want to do anything to help.

If it isnt good enough, and you complain every time, why bother?

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

It's NOT hard to FOLD A TOWEL.

flan

ed11563 · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I've seen it though. The complaining about something is done constantly can make you not want to do it.

We have a rule in our house, if you see it needs done, do it.

Oh, I agree. There are some women who are never satisfied and who beitch constantly. There is no "right" way to fold towels. There are some women who have decided this is the "right' way and the only way. I have seen that too.
Yes, there is a "right way" to fold towells if the towells will only fit in the linen closet one way. Jamming them in and not folding them the only way they fit is not "helping".
And that is the attitude that leads others to not want to do anything to help.
If it isnt good enough, and you complain every time, why bother?

YES !!!

I learned to tell Spouse that if she3 wants something done HER way, she will be doing it herself.

Honeys_Mom · Mod & Permanent Board Sweetheart

Proof that having a boyfriend is much more fun than having a husband. biggrin

Bonny22Pye · Guru

Maybe his idea of clean and her idea of clean don't mesh. My DH is a bit of a slob so we had to compromise. I don't say anything about his side of the bed and surrounding floor space or his bathroom. We each clean our own bathrooms and he helps with the rest of the place.

I do the grocery shopping.
He lugs it up and puts it away.
I sort and fold clothes
He puts in in the washer/dryer and watches the timer so it gets done.
He does the dishes while I bath the small child
We both clean up the living room

Its all about compromise and finding what works.

When he is on hiatus he does more of the chores since he's home.
When he is working 18 hour days I pick up the slack.

FNW · Guru

If I don't like the way DH does something, I quietly do it myself. Next time. We both know I'm a little OCD. He understands, and I try not to be a complete control freak.

There are times I do laundry in the evening because I know he will fold the clothes and bring them upstairs. He does not put them away; he leaves them in the basket. So while I'm bathing one of the boys, I'll hand the boys' clothes and ask him to help the other child put them away. I leave his clothes on the bed so he can put them away.

I do grocery shopping, but if there's something I need in between, I might ask him to stop on his way home.

DH works longer hours, and I have the benefit of working from home a couple days a week. So I don't expect as much from him, simply because he doesn't have time. And I'd rather he spent his evenings on the couch with me catching each other up on our day.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Honeys_Mom wrote:
Proof that having a boyfriend is much more fun than having a husband.

I don't have either so I am passed golden. I'm diamond.

biggrin

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

ed11563 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I've seen it though. The complaining about something is done constantly can make you not want to do it.

We have a rule in our house, if you see it needs done, do it.

Oh, I agree. There are some women who are never satisfied and who beitch constantly. There is no "right" way to fold towels. There are some women who have decided this is the "right' way and the only way. I have seen that too.
Yes, there is a "right way" to fold towells if the towells will only fit in the linen closet one way. Jamming them in and not folding them the only way they fit is not "helping".
And that is the attitude that leads others to not want to do anything to help.
If it isnt good enough, and you complain every time, why bother?
YES !!!
I learned to tell Spouse that if she3 wants something done HER way, she will be doing it herself.

Exactly.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I think my DH doesn't really realize sometimes all that's involved. For example, I make the bed every day. He doesn't. He would gladly make it or even help if I asked but I don't. He says it takes me a long time to get ready to go somewhere but I'm never doing one thing at once. I will shower and then throw a load of laundry in and then do my hair and then make the bed and so forth. I don't think he really pays attention to the amount of time I spend doing things.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Mellow Momma wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

I've seen it though. The complaining about something is done constantly can make you not want to do it.

We have a rule in our house, if you see it needs done, do it.

Oh, I agree. There are some women who are never satisfied and who beitch constantly. There is no "right" way to fold towels. There are some women who have decided this is the "right' way and the only way. I have seen that too.
Yes, there is a "right way" to fold towells if the towells will only fit in the linen closet one way. Jamming them in and not folding them the only way they fit is not "helping".

Well, actually, it is. With a family of 5, those towels are used in very short order. So, honestly, it isn't something I would freak over. If they are in the closet and the closet is closed, I really don't care.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:

It's NOT hard to FOLD A TOWEL.

flan

No, it isn't. It isn't "hard" to do anything. But, even if it was hard, so what? Sometimes in life you have to do hard things too. Cleaning out the gutters on a ladder isn't hard either. Neither is folding a towel. Or mopping the floors or stopping to pick up a gallon of milk. Some people make everything in life hard. And, honestly, some people are more ambitious than others. Everyone doesn't view the environment the same way. What might be a big mess to you, might look relaxed and casual to someone else. There is a difference between messy, clutter and filth. Leaving dirty dishes in the sink for days is a bad thing. Not folding the towels the "right" way, isn't.

FNW · Guru

Once I saw Mr. FNW patiently re-folding his socks, underwear, t-shirts after I had folded them. I "caught" him and asked why he was re-folding. He said they fit in his drawer better if they are all folded the same way. He said he didn't mind doing it, and not to worry about it. But rather than get upset and tell him he can fold his own damned clothes, I asked him to teach me how he likes them folded, to save us both time.j

I don't understand why people aren't more cooperative with each other.

Ohfour · Hooker

G re-loads the dishwasher. Every time. I really do try, but for some damn reason, he fits far more dishes than I do. It used to upset me...now we laugh about it. He's a born organizer. He can fit 2 weeks worth of clothes in a carry on bag, shoes included. But that comes from living on the road. You just learn how to organize...

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

For me, I just want to work together and get things done. Is everything the way I like it all the time? No. Does everyone do things the way I would do them? No. Every Sat morning is cleaning day. I rouse the kids and all the bathrooms get cleaned, the floors, their bedrooms, etc. During the week it's hit and miss.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

Ohfour wrote:
G re-loads the dishwasher. Every time. I really do try, but for some damn reason, he fits far more dishes than I do. It used to upset me...now we laugh about it. He's a born organizer. He can fit 2 weeks worth of clothes in a carry on bag, shoes included. But that comes from living on the road. You just learn how to organize...

I always reloaded the dishwasher when my ex loaded it. He just started rinsing his stuff & leaving it in the sink. He figured what was the point if I was going to reload it anyway. So I told him that was fine but I really hate unloading the dishwasher so that was his job.

Ohfour · Hooker

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
For me, I just want to work together and get things done. Is everything the way I like it all the time? No. Does everyone do things the way I would do them? No. Every Sat morning is cleaning day. I rouse the kids and all the bathrooms get cleaned, the floors, their bedrooms, etc. During the week it's hit and miss.

Growing up, we had a pool. A really nice pool. Every Saturday morning, all of my friends would come over and we would spend the day laying out, playing and blasting music. The second summer, my parents got REALLY tired of doing chores while my friends were enjoying the pool.

So everyone that came had a chore. The girls dusted and vacuumed and did all of the inside chores. They guys mowed and mulched and did the outside chores. It took less than 45 minutes to get everything done. Win win for everyone, especially my parents. They really loved us having people over. And all the work was done!

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

FNW wrote:
Once I saw Mr. FNW patiently re-folding his socks, underwear, t-shirts after I had folded them. I "caught" him and asked why he was re-folding. He said they fit in his drawer better if they are all folded the same way. He said he didn't mind doing it, and not to worry about it. But rather than get upset and tell him he can fold his own damned clothes, I asked him to teach me how he likes them folded, to save us both time.j

I don't understand why people aren't more cooperative with each other.

This.

It seems we are often more tolerant and accepting of strangers than the people we live with.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:

It's NOT hard to FOLD A TOWEL.

flan

No, it isn't. It isn't "hard" to do anything. But, even if it was hard, so what? Sometimes in life you have to do hard things too. Cleaning out the gutters on a ladder isn't hard either. Neither is folding a towel. Or mopping the floors or stopping to pick up a gallon of milk. Some people make everything in life hard. And, honestly, some people are more ambitious than others. Everyone doesn't view the environment the same way. What might be a big mess to you, might look relaxed and casual to someone else. There is a difference between messy, clutter and filth. Leaving dirty dishes in the sink for days is a bad thing. Not folding the towels the "right" way, isn't.

Folding a fitted sheet IS hard... biggrin

flan

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Ohfour wrote:
G re-loads the dishwasher. Every time. I really do try, but for some damn reason, he fits far more dishes than I do. It used to upset me...now we laugh about it. He's a born organizer. He can fit 2 weeks worth of clothes in a carry on bag, shoes included. But that comes from living on the road. You just learn how to organize...

DH and I disagree on loading a dishwasher. I maintain that, if you put too many dishes in, the water can't circulate properly.

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:

It's NOT hard to FOLD A TOWEL.

flan

No, it isn't. It isn't "hard" to do anything. But, even if it was hard, so what? Sometimes in life you have to do hard things too. Cleaning out the gutters on a ladder isn't hard either. Neither is folding a towel. Or mopping the floors or stopping to pick up a gallon of milk. Some people make everything in life hard. And, honestly, some people are more ambitious than others. Everyone doesn't view the environment the same way. What might be a big mess to you, might look relaxed and casual to someone else. There is a difference between messy, clutter and filth. Leaving dirty dishes in the sink for days is a bad thing. Not folding the towels the "right" way, isn't.
Folding a fitted sheet IS hard...
flan

Folding a fitted sheet is so easy if you know how to do it.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Ohfour wrote:
G re-loads the dishwasher. Every time. I really do try, but for some damn reason, he fits far more dishes than I do. It used to upset me...now we laugh about it. He's a born organizer. He can fit 2 weeks worth of clothes in a carry on bag, shoes included. But that comes from living on the road. You just learn how to organize...

I did the same thing when mom would load the dishwasher.

She takes forever to do the laundry too.

She separates and then separates again.

"I did 12 loads of wash today" she says.

Truth is, she could have done 4 and been done.

I know because I do it.

But she complains every time that I did it wrong.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:

It's NOT hard to FOLD A TOWEL.

flan

No, it isn't. It isn't "hard" to do anything. But, even if it was hard, so what? Sometimes in life you have to do hard things too. Cleaning out the gutters on a ladder isn't hard either. Neither is folding a towel. Or mopping the floors or stopping to pick up a gallon of milk. Some people make everything in life hard. And, honestly, some people are more ambitious than others. Everyone doesn't view the environment the same way. What might be a big mess to you, might look relaxed and casual to someone else. There is a difference between messy, clutter and filth. Leaving dirty dishes in the sink for days is a bad thing. Not folding the towels the "right" way, isn't.
Folding a fitted sheet IS hard...
flan
Folding a fitted sheet is so easy if you know how to do it.

I like to whine!

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Well then by all means whine away!

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:

It's NOT hard to FOLD A TOWEL.

flan

No, it isn't. It isn't "hard" to do anything. But, even if it was hard, so what? Sometimes in life you have to do hard things too. Cleaning out the gutters on a ladder isn't hard either. Neither is folding a towel. Or mopping the floors or stopping to pick up a gallon of milk. Some people make everything in life hard. And, honestly, some people are more ambitious than others. Everyone doesn't view the environment the same way. What might be a big mess to you, might look relaxed and casual to someone else. There is a difference between messy, clutter and filth. Leaving dirty dishes in the sink for days is a bad thing. Not folding the towels the "right" way, isn't.
Folding a fitted sheet IS hard...
flan
Folding a fitted sheet is so easy if you know how to do it.

Yep. My SIL watched in amazement as I folded a fitted sheet once. She couldn't believe it. I guess I've just never known it's supposed to be difficult.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

For me fitted sheets are easier because I can do them by myself. Flat sheets I need help with.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:

It's NOT hard to FOLD A TOWEL.

flan

No, it isn't. It isn't "hard" to do anything. But, even if it was hard, so what? Sometimes in life you have to do hard things too. Cleaning out the gutters on a ladder isn't hard either. Neither is folding a towel. Or mopping the floors or stopping to pick up a gallon of milk. Some people make everything in life hard. And, honestly, some people are more ambitious than others. Everyone doesn't view the environment the same way. What might be a big mess to you, might look relaxed and casual to someone else. There is a difference between messy, clutter and filth. Leaving dirty dishes in the sink for days is a bad thing. Not folding the towels the "right" way, isn't.
Folding a fitted sheet IS hard...
flan
Folding a fitted sheet is so easy if you know how to do it.
Yep. My SIL watched in amazement as I folded a fitted sheet once. She couldn't believe it. I guess I've just never known it's supposed to be difficult.

Oh, I'm sure there are videos out there, but I'm clumsy.

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

The flat sheets take a ton longer if you are folding them alone.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
The flat sheets take a ton longer if you are folding them alone.

I usually fold flat sheets on the bed.

flan

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

You should see me try to iron one of DH's long-sleeved dress shirts!

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I love ironing.

Mary Zombie · Guru

Confession.....
I am fitted sheet challenged.

That said... LW
Cleaning lady time. Win/win!

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I love ironing.

I remember mom used to keep the clean pillowcases in a bag in the frig. They were damp. She would iron them!

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Ironing is soothing to me.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I love ironing.

It is cathartic.

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Ironing is soothing to me.

I always knew something was wrong with you.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Southern_Belle wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Ironing is soothing to me.
I always knew something was wrong with you.

Thank you!