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Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Abby: Battlling over Thanksgiving

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

It's time to pass the mantle grandma to the next generation. She wants to start her own traditions. And, once you have your own family, driving all over creation to visit everyone becomes very draining. Either accept the invitation and go or just stay home and cook your own meal. She wants to put on the dinner so go and have fun. And, maybe she will want to alternate years or something after seeing how much work it is or maybe she wants to start her own family traditions. You have to realize that nothing lasts forever and you need to adapt and let the next generation shine.

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

Yikes! She allowed DIL to spend Thanksgiving with her family last year? It's all her fault.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I like the "I AGREED" comment, lol. Like she can 'allow or not allow". Um, if ya think you are going to control your DIL, you better wake up!

""...so I said she could have Thanksgiving with her parents."! confuse

-- Edited by Lady Gaga Snerd on Sunday 18th of October 2015 10:43:43 AM

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Goodnes. After 44 years, it looks like she'd be ready for someone else to handle it.

We began hosting Thanksgiving about 7 years ago. I have oil and water feelings about it.

LW is a control freak. Plain and simple.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I can understand that is something that she loves to do. But, you have to allow the next generation to establish their families and create their own traditions. So, grandma needs to think outside her box and create a new tradition. Maybe host a big Easter dinner or 4th of July bbq or make a big production over some other event. Or simply offer to host a big family Sunday dinner once a month or something like that. Everyone loves to eat and there are 364 other days in the year to offer to cook a big meal for people who most likely would love to show up for that.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Yep.

Growing up, we spent most Sundays at Granny's house. My aunts came with their kids too. It was just what we did.

Have lunch, the grown ups sat around talking, me and my cousins played all over farm.

Holidays were the days you had to keep your Sunday clothes on til AFTER lunch.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Sorry MIL, I would have been put off by my new MIL 'telling' me Thanksgivings are hers without discussing it at all. But she gets mad when the DIL does it right back?

Mary Zombie · Guru

I am so glad I'm single and pretty much do what I want for TG. I still won't drive around for holidays. I like being at home for the most part and sometimes people come over.
Luckily my parents were happy to have TG at my place starting about 12 years ago. Mom was happy to hand over the mantle....as long as I made the stuffing her way, lol.
They even brought friends a couple times. We had a blast :)
Good times.....I try and focus on that.
So yeah.....MIL had holidays in her home....she doesn't get to be mad at other people doing what she did.

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Sunday 18th of October 2015 11:50:04 AM

FNW · Guru

She should be grateful she was invited.

Whenitrains · Member

Dang! It's not "her" holiday. People are allowed to spend it where they want. Good for the DIL finally breaking "her" tradition.

ladyloonatic · Regular

And if she doesn't want to alienate her son and grandchildren, then she shouldn't make a big deal out of it. One thing the letter doesn't say is how many other kids she has. So either have it with the rest of her children and their families, and pick another day for their family get-together or go to DILs.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I kind of feel for her. I think she went about it the wrong way though. All of us have that one holiday a year that really sticks out for us whether it be Halloween or Christmas or something in between. If Thanksgiving is her favorite you can't fault her for that. The DIL could do Christmas or New Years or anything. I see them both as control freaks. LW just needs to do what she wants and let the chips fall where they may.

ed11563 · Guru

Shortly after DS and DIL bought their new house, we went there for Thanksgiving.

They had just moved in, it was new construction. And they had one cat, which was (they said) staying on the second floor.

Spouse is allergic to cat dander.

Everything was fine, but ...

after about 90 minutes, Spouse's face was puffy, her eyes were red, and she was wheezing. It took her 4 or 5 days to recover.

After that, DIL got pissed when we told her Spouse couldn't ever go back there.

Then they got a second cat.

DIL is still very angry, feeling that we've insulted and rejected her.

Then it got worse. ...

-- Edited by ed11563 on Sunday 18th of October 2015 12:41:43 PM

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

ladyloonatic wrote:
And if she doesn't want to alienate her son and grandchildren, then she shouldn't make a big deal out of it. One thing the letter doesn't say is how many other kids she has. So either have it with the rest of her children and their families, and pick another day for their family get-together or go to DILs.

I would just have it with the other children.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

What a tool.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I don't think she's a tool at all. This one day is really important to her. I know people that hold the fourth of July sacred because that is when the whole family has their reunion. Don't even dare ask them to do something on that day. People hold different days as important for different reasons. So I don't judge that. And she doesn't DEMAND that they spend every holiday with her. She even says so. She says just Thanksgiving is important. So I don't think she's being unreasonable as far as that goes. If she insisted that they spend every holiday with her it would be different.

The last two years the DIL spent with her parents because her mom had cancer. Obviously her mom is doing better now. The LW says she was hurt by the fact that her DIL didn't even come to her to ask her if she could host Thanksgiving. I can easily see how that would be hurtful.

There's really no compromise here. The LW just needs to do her thing and let the chips fall where they may. She cannot control the DIL. If she argues with the DIL it's going to cause more problems. I would just tell my son, "You know Thanksgiving has always been an important day for me. I'll be cooking. If you two want to come you're more than welcome. If not we'll see you next time you come over."

chef · Guru

The compromise could be a few things ...

Thanksgiving at the DIL's home but LW and DIL collaborate on the meal.

Thanksgiving at the DIL's home but DIL lets LW bring a couple favorite dishes to share.

Thanksgiving brunch at one home and dinner at the other.

etc.

But, LW has to understand that DIL probably wants to start her own traditions.

chef · Guru

While I would love for my family and my in laws to get together for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I doubt it will ever happen. Well, unless FIL dies first because MIL will be more than happy to join in on whatever celebration. FIL is VERY particular about food and will rarely eat food he doesn't cook himself. MIL loves that I can make her mom's stuffing so I bring that for her.

The compromise for our family is easy. My in laws like having holiday meals on the actual holiday so we go there for the actual holiday. My family doesn't care what day the holiday meal is on as long they get one so we have the holiday meal with my family whenever everyone is available to get together.

We do put our foot down when it comes to DS' birthday party. His birthday party is on x date and FIL can either show up or not. See, while we're willing to have DS' birthday party at his house (FIL hates traveling further than 5 miles from home), FIL won't allow strangers in his house. So DS' birthday party is wherever we choose and FIL can either suck it up and come or stay home and mope. We make sure MIL is there whether we have to pick her up or not.

Mary Zombie · Guru

NJN, I hear ya but MIL was DIL at one time. Eventually at some point she started her own traditions. DIL also has that right. Maybe TG is just as important to her.
It goes both ways.
Plus, if someone inferred they had to allow me to do anything....they would lose all cred with me.
Perhaps they can switch off every other year.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

NJN, I agree. This may be very important to her and she loves to do it and has great memories, etc. But, part of the passage of time and journey of adulthood is passing the mantle to the next generation. And, to that graciously and to know what you had your time in the sun and to step out of the limelight and now let the next generation shine. That isn't easy. But, you have to learn to take a step back and stop trying to control everything and now it's your turn to just go along for the ride on someone else's star.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Mary Zombie wrote:
NJN, I hear ya but MIL was DIL at one time. Eventually at some point she started her own traditions. DIL also has that right. Maybe TG is just as important to her.
It goes both ways.
Plus, if someone inferred they had to allow me to do anything....they would lose all cred with me.
Perhaps they can switch off every other year.

I don't really see why the MIL has to stop having her traditions unless she is physically unable to do so. And I wholeheartedly agree that the DIL has a right to make her own traditions. And it does go both ways. I agree with that. I guess I don't understand why the DIL couldn't do Christmas at her house and let MIL do Thanksgiving. THAT could be a compromise. And I think the MIL was wrong for saying she "allowed" the DIL to go. They are grown and can do whatever they want. I also wonder where the son is in all this and why he hasn't said something. And to me, sorry LGS, saying it's now time to ride someone else's star is as bad as saying I'm allowing you to do something. Though I agree with the other things you said.

I just get the feeling that no one in this picture really wants to compromise. If they did this letter wouldn't even be here.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I've only been doing the holiday cooking for seven years now. Up until then my mom insisted that we all come to her house. I was fine with that because I was a single working mom and didn't have time to cook. But there were some holidays I worked and my stingy mom wouldn't even send me home a plate of food. We never took leftovers home. Not a single morsel. So now I love it. Yes, it's work. Yes, I complain. Yes, it gets crazy. Yes, I get frustrated. But in the end I have so many good thing to balance those out. I hope no one ever wants to put me out to pasture.

This year DN is in a place of her own with Sparkly. She wants to host it at her place where we will be meeting Sparkly's dad for the first time. We've split the menu and I will take our portion to her house. We'll most likely divide the leftovers up and take what we want home. So compromise is doable if you really want to.

NAOW · Vette's SS

It may be very important to her, I appreciate that, but to call dibs on a holiday is setting yourself up for disappointment. Does she really expect her DIL to never spend a thanksgiving with her own family again (unless her mother is sick and she asks permission first)? Or to never host her own thanksgiving meal?

There are many compromises here and she should fine one before causing a rift with her ds and DIL.

NAOW · Vette's SS

My FIL liked hosting holiday meals, but he didn't like people having to come and go and drive all over to see other family members, so he hosted his thanksgiving on black friday.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

NAOW wrote:
It may be very important to her, I appreciate that, but to call dibs on a holiday is setting yourself up for disappointment. Does she really expect her DIL to never spend a thanksgiving with her own family again (unless her mother is sick and she asks permission first)? Or to never host her own thanksgiving meal?

There are many compromises here and she should fine one before causing a rift with her ds and DIL.

I just see it both ways. We always had our own traditions until the day my brother got married. Then the whole world had to revolve around her and her family. She and my brother had to be at her family's house for lunch so my mom moved Thanksgiving back to six pm so that they could be there too. Then we used to do Christmas eve dinner and my SIL had to be at her family's house so our dinner turned into appetizers because they were too full from eating dinner. Then came Christmas day and again, we had to eat really late because my SIL's family was more important than ours. The rest of the siblings got tired of my mom catering to my SIL to make compromises. Then there was the Thanksgiving that my SIL hosted at her house but it was only for the parents. None of my brothers siblings were invited.

FNW · Guru

I understand the importance of traditions, but I also understand that when your children get married, those traditions might change. I do think they should come to a compromise, say, every other year or something. It does sound like they are both digging in their heals. If DIL knew how important this holiday was to MIL, why not just let her have it? If MIL knew DIL really really wanted to host it, why couldn't MIL say great, what can I bring? Perhaps DIL did not know how important it was to MIL. Perhaps the son never conveyed this to his wife. Perhaps MIL is not nice to DIL, so DIL is passive aggressively lashing out?

The fact that MIL "relucantly agreed" to allow her DIL to spend T-day with her dying mom spoke volumes to me. MIL should be grateful she is included this year, IMO.

Personally, I cannot imagine a MIL putting "dibs" on any holiday at the onset of their child's marriage. Things happen. Situations change. Grandchildren are born. People get sick. People become allergic to other's households. I think the most important thing during the holidays, any holiday, is that the family stay together. Let that be MIL's new tradition. To be included into her son's ever expanding family.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

FNW wrote:
I understand the importance of traditions, but I also understand that when your children get married, those traditions might change. I do think they should come to a compromise, say, every other year or something. It does sound like they are both digging in their heals. If DIL knew how important this holiday was to MIL, why not just let her have it? If MIL knew DIL really really wanted to host it, why couldn't MIL say great, what can I bring? Perhaps DIL did not know how important it was to MIL. Perhaps the son never conveyed this to his wife. Perhaps MIL is not nice to DIL, so DIL is passive aggressively lashing out?

The fact that MIL "relucantly agreed" to allow her DIL to spend T-day with her dying mom spoke volumes to me. MIL should be grateful she is included this year, IMO.
Personally, I cannot imagine a MIL putting "dibs" on any holiday at the onset of their child's marriage. Things happen. Situations change. Grandchildren are born. People get sick. People become allergic to other's households. I think the most important thing during the holidays, any holiday, is that the family stay together. Let that be MIL's new tradition. To be included into her son's ever expanding family.

This. I think an excellent compromise would be for the MIL to do Thanksgiving and the DIL to do Christmas. Or maybe they could switch off Christmas and Thanksgiving? It does sound as if the DIL is being just as hard headed as the MIL. And I asked up thread where the son is in all this!

Bonny22Pye · Guru

It's just dinner. People need to stop being control freaks.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Bonny22Pye wrote:
It's just dinner. People need to stop being control freaks.

Yep, and that is what the LW is being; a CONTROL FREAK. I cannot believe that anyone thinks hosting a holiday meal in their own house is something they are entitled to. What ever happened to just wanting to be with family?

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

I would be doing the happy dance, if I didn't have to cook the Thanksgiving feast! wink

Oh well, maybe one of these days. biggrin

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I'm actually going to disagree. This is a tradition that the LW has done forever, and the DIL has chosen to change it without any discussion. I think that was rude and presumptuous.

Mary Zombie · Guru

But the DIL doesn't need permission.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Mary Zombie wrote:
But the DIL doesn't need permission.

No, she doesn't need permission, but, then, the MIL doesn't need her DIL's permission to continue her own tradition. So, now, you've just got the battle of the Thanksgiving dinners, and it's stupid. But since the MIL's tradition was in place first, it is the DIL who is being presumptuous and difficult - not the MIL.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

Sounds like she should be annoyed with her son. Not her DIL.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

It's hard establishing new traditions. But I get the desire.

I ruffled some feathers when my kids were little. I didn't want to drag them all over, from one corner of the county to the other like we were.

People got over it.

The compromise was family get togethers at other times.

And my hosting some of them.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Lawyerlady wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
But the DIL doesn't need permission.
No, she doesn't need permission, but, then, the MIL doesn't need her DIL's permission to continue her own tradition. So, now, you've just got the battle of the Thanksgiving dinners, and it's stupid. But since the MIL's tradition was in place first, it is the DIL who is being presumptuous and difficult - not the MIL.

I disagree with you. It may be MIL's desire to always host TG, but perhaps that is not shared by everyone else in the family. It is time for LW to hang up the apron once in awhile. It's either LW shares the holiday at DIL's house or only sees her son every other year.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I do think she could have called her MIL and had at least had a chat with her.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I do think she could have called her MIL and had at least had a chat with her.

I agree with that. The MIL even said she was hurt because the DIL didn't even talk to her.

Divine Geek · Guru

I wonder about the other holidays. Has the DIL (and/or others) established new traditions on the other holidays leaving LW Thanksgiving as she asked until now? Was it that Thanksgiving was the only holiday tradition of LW's that was left and now there is a coup happening?

I personally feel for the LW. Thanksgiving has been "my" holiday for nearly 10 years. Then last year my sister started talking about wanting to host Thanksgiving. I didn't say anything to anyone (except to vent to my BFF), but I was devastated. When it was first mentioned, I cried that night, no joke. Everyone basically stayed home last year, I "hosted" Thanksgiving for my parents and I, it was actually pretty nice.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
But the DIL doesn't need permission.
No, she doesn't need permission, but, then, the MIL doesn't need her DIL's permission to continue her own tradition. So, now, you've just got the battle of the Thanksgiving dinners, and it's stupid. But since the MIL's tradition was in place first, it is the DIL who is being presumptuous and difficult - not the MIL.

I disagree with you. It may be MIL's desire to always host TG, but perhaps that is not shared by everyone else in the family. It is time for LW to hang up the apron once in awhile. It's either LW shares the holiday at DIL's house or only sees her son every other year.

So DIL just gets to unilaterally make that decision? And they didn't have Thanksgiving there last year, either.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

And I think people are forgetting that MIL has given up all other holidays and she said she has childREN - that's plural. So DIL is taking it upon herself to just decide to change everyone's Thanksgiving tradition.

If I was MIL, I would tell her politely that I host Thanksgiving in my home for my family with no intention of changing that tradition, and while her parents are more than welcome to join us, if she wanted to miss that day for her own plans, that would be up to her.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well that's an option too. But she may find herself sitting alone. Her choice.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

At what point are young adults allowed to start their own traditions? There is nothing wrong with wanting to put on your own dinner.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
At what point are young adults allowed to start their own traditions? There is nothing wrong with wanting to put on your own dinner.

When the parents are too old or dead. It's called respect.

NAOW · Vette's SS

That's true too.

Gosh, these columns really make it easy to be thankful for the family you have.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Divine Geek wrote:
I wonder about the other holidays. Has the DIL (and/or others) established new traditions on the other holidays leaving LW Thanksgiving as she asked until now? Was it that Thanksgiving was the only holiday tradition of LW's that was left and now there is a coup happening?

I personally feel for the LW. Thanksgiving has been "my" holiday for nearly 10 years. Then last year my sister started talking about wanting to host Thanksgiving. I didn't say anything to anyone (except to vent to my BFF), but I was devastated. When it was first mentioned, I cried that night, no joke. Everyone basically stayed home last year, I "hosted" Thanksgiving for my parents and I, it was actually pretty nice.

The letter actually says just that. She says she doesn't celebrate, or rather expect all her children to celebrate, all the other holidays. She said all she wants is her children there on Thanksgiving. This is the exact line, "I told them we could celebrate all the holidays whenever and wherever they chose, but I wanted Thanksgiving." So she's actually willing to go to their houses on all the other holidays.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lawyerlady wrote:
And I think people are forgetting that MIL has given up all other holidays and she said she has childREN - that's plural. So DIL is taking it upon herself to just decide to change everyone's Thanksgiving tradition.

If I was MIL, I would tell her politely that I host Thanksgiving in my home for my family with no intention of changing that tradition, and while her parents are more than welcome to join us, if she wanted to miss that day for her own plans, that would be up to her.

I would do this too.

huskerbb · Guru

No one has a monopoly on any particular holiday. It's unfair to simply declare "I get Thanksgiving" and expect that everyone will honor that. Well, you can say it, but if they say no, here's what you get.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Once we had kids we stopped trying to go to both parents. We lived a couple hours away from each. We then just went to DHs parents for Thanksgiving and my parents for Christmas. After awhile we had 3 kids and traveling on snkwy PA roads just was too nerve racking.