TOTALLY GEEKED!

huskerbb · Guru

RE: Dear Abby: Battlling over Thanksgiving

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

ladyloonatic wrote:
And if she doesn't want to alienate her son and grandchildren, then she shouldn't make a big deal out of it. One thing the letter doesn't say is how many other kids she has. So either have it with the rest of her children and their families, and pick another day for their family get-together or go to DILs.

LOONATIC!!! Sooooo good to see you!

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

On the up side, my parents will likely never have to host another Thanksgiving.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
At what point are young adults allowed to start their own traditions? There is nothing wrong with wanting to put on your own dinner.
When the parents are too old or dead. It's called respect.
But what about respecting her DIL's parents? Don't they deserve any respect?
The LW here can't simply declare "I get Thanksgiving" and expect that all the inlaws of her various children are going to be ok with that in perpetuity.

She said she has given up all the other holidays - so that should cover that. And it's different if the DIL and family chooses to go to her family's house every other Thanksgiving than just deciding unilaterally that she is taking over hosting Thanksgiving.

If people think MIL is unreasonable for saying "I always host Thanksgiving", then DIL is also unreasonable for just thinking she can take it over.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
No one has a monopoly on any particular holiday. It's unfair to simply declare "I get Thanksgiving" and expect that everyone will honor that. Well, you can say it, but if they say no, here's what you get.

But that is exactly what DIL is doing - she is claiming Thanksgiving. When MIL did it - it was a trade-off for the other holidays.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

If people want to turn the Holidays into a battleground, then fine. But, it's one day. Who cares? All the drama, drama, drama.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

For some reason - I think the natural instinct of many here is to rail against the LW. Had DIL written in that she wanted to changed the plans for the whole family and did it without discussing it with anyone, then people would be saying she was presumptuous.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I think the natural instinct for any advice column is usually to rail against the LW, lol.

Ohfour · Hooker

After my kids were born, we totally changed the "traditions". I had no intentions of pulling my kids away from their Santa stash to go to grandmother's house for breakfast.

ExH and I decided that we (I) would cook a big lunch and anyone that wanted to see the kids on Christmas day could come to our house. Whoever has the kids gets to make the rules. DD has followed suit. If I want to see the kids on Christmas Day, I go to her house.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Things change when you have kids.

DH1 and I were required to go to Virginia every Christmas. DS1 was born in September, and his first Christmas was our last Christmas there. MIL never got over it...Too bad.

My son deserved to wake up in his own house on Christmas morning.

flan

FNW · Guru

We changed our Christmas Day tradition, too, when we had kids, so that the boys could be home with their new toys. We have a big breakfast and my parents come and stay all day. I cook a big breakfast and my parents come and stay the day. We don't have any other relatives close by so it's just them. And the in-laws are not welcome, for various reasons having to do with the health and welfare of the boys. I grew up with lots of aunts/uncles/cousins, so it's a little sad for me, but the boys don't know any different, nor does DH.

Lindley · Guru

My thanksgiving tradition changed several times. Two of my favorite traditions was going to my parents and celebrating with my family and after my mom died switched to my house and having both my family and dh's family over. Now all the kids are married and scattered overseas/different states, or have other family obligations it is kind of sad.

Mary Zombie · Guru

Saying you are hosting thanksgiving this year at your home isn't necessarily claiming it for all time.

And telling MIL her plans is discussing it.

Ohfour · Hooker

Mary Zombie wrote:
Saying you are hosting thanksgiving this year at your home isn't necessarily claiming it for all time.

And telling MIL her plans is discussing it.

EXACTLY!!!!!!

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

How is TELLING someone your plans a discussion?

flan

Ohfour · Hooker

flan327 wrote:
How is TELLING someone your plans a discussion?

flan

Well she didn't really TELL her, she ASKED:

Two years ago, my daughter-in-law asked to spend Thanksgiving with her parents and sister, and I reluctantly agreed. Her mom was battling cancer, so I said she could have Thanksgiving with her parents.

Ohfour · Hooker

I always ALWAYS had cooked Thanksgiving dinner. I'm the only one that can really cook.

A couple of years ago, my sister decided that we just all didn't fit in my house anymore and said that she was going to host. She doesn't cook, so she has it catered. Not near as good as mine. This year they have asked that it be back at my house. She's all snippy about it. I just go with the flow. She will probably get her way because she is like that. Not my hill to die on....

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Yes, but then she told her:

This year I received an email that SHE will be hosting it at her house with her parents and hoped we would come! I was upset that she didn't even discuss this with me.

flan

Ohfour · Hooker

flan327 wrote:
Yes, but then she told her:

This year I received an email that SHE will be hosting it at her house with her parents and hoped we would come! I was upset that she didn't even discuss this with me.

flan

Well, really, she doesn't HAVE to discuss it with her. The DIL wants to have Thanksgiving in her home. She has every right to do that. I didn't discuss not going to grandmother's after I had kids. I just told them I would not be there, but that they were welcome at my house. No one has to ask permission to host anything at their home...

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I'm guessing they've had issues before this.

And, frankly, an email sounds a bit impersonal.

flan

Ohfour · Hooker

flan327 wrote:
I'm guessing they've had issues before this.

And, frankly, an email sounds a bit impersonal.

flan

Because DIL knows what a nutcase the LW is. I would have sent an email too...

Bonny22Pye · Guru

I'm so glad I love and am friends with my MIL.

Ohfour · Hooker

Bonny22Pye wrote:
I'm so glad I love and am friends with my MIL.

I'm sure she doesn't dictate when and where you HAVE to spend your holidays. She respects your right as a parent to make your own family traditions...

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

MIL2 was an absolute angel. I miss her.

flan

Mary Zombie · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Yes, but then she told her:

This year I received an email that SHE will be hosting it at her house with her parents and hoped we would come! I was upset that she didn't even discuss this with me.

flan
Well, really, she doesn't HAVE to discuss it with her. The DIL wants to have Thanksgiving in her home. She has every right to do that. I didn't discuss not going to grandmother's after I had kids. I just told them I would not be there, but that they were welcome at my house. No one has to ask permission to host anything at their home...

ITA. Plus there's usually a long weekend to visit. As long as DIL is cool if MIL has a her own dinner. Not everyone can be all together all the time. It doesn't have to become a big deal.

Heck, i'm single but I got sick of going to everyone else's TG and wanted to cook.

People will get over it. Iwouldn't be apologetic either. Pleasant though....

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Monday 19th of October 2015 11:52:12 AM

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Monday 19th of October 2015 11:52:55 AM

Honeys_Mom · Mod & Permanent Board Sweetheart

Mary Zombie wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Yes, but then she told her:

This year I received an email that SHE will be hosting it at her house with her parents and hoped we would come! I was upset that she didn't even discuss this with me.

flan
Well, really, she doesn't HAVE to discuss it with her. The DIL wants to have Thanksgiving in her home. She has every right to do that. I didn't discuss not going to grandmother's after I had kids. I just told them I would not be there, but that they were welcome at my house. No one has to ask permission to host anything at their home...
IT A. Plus there's usually a long weekend to visit. As long as DIL is cool if MIL has a her own dinner. Not everyone can be all together all the time. It doesn't have to become a big deal.
Heck, i'm single but I got sick of going to everyone else's TG and waited to cook.
People will get over it. Iwouldn't be apologetic either. Pleasant though....

That's my approach as well, Mary. Firm, pleasantly-stated boundaries. Sometimes pretending that you believe the other side is reasonable is the best way to avoid an argument, LOL....

Lindley · Guru

we always if we are home have thanksgiving with my dh's side of the family. Now when we celebrate it together it is the sat after thanksgiving and it is bbq steaks so the kids can spend tg day with their spouses families and they don't have to have a repeat of turkey dinner. I do cook a traditional turkey dinner at home on TG day.

Mary Zombie · Guru

Right?
And I might send an email if the other person has a tendency to argue argue argue....

Ohfour · Hooker

Lindley wrote:
we always if we are home have thanksgiving with my dh's side of the family. Now when we celebrate it together it is the sat after thanksgiving and it is bbq steaks so the kids can spend tg day with their spouses families and they don't have to have a repeat of turkey dinner. I do cook a traditional turkey dinner at home on TG day.

Good for you!!!!

You don't get to control a holiday when you have grown kids. What if LW's son married a woman whose mother felt the exact same way? Who would win that battle?

After G and I got married, we changed a LOT of things. His ex has never remarried (and probably never will), my ex did, but they divorced after a couple of months. The kids were teenagers and both the exs REALLY wanted them there with them for Christmas morning. G and I had each other, so we gave that up to them. It made the whole "season" much more enjoyable, not fighting over who had to be where and when.

When you have grown children, expecting them to all cater to your demands is unreasonable. Enjoy life...people that are forced to spend time with you will not have any respect for you...

Bonny22Pye · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
Bonny22Pye wrote:
I'm so glad I love and am friends with my MIL.

I'm sure she doesn't dictate when and where you HAVE to spend your holidays. She respects your right as a parent to make your own family traditions...

She's was super afraid of pissing me off because she had a bad experience with her MIL and her first DIL. I had a really nice conversation with her once and I said that we are both people and eventually you or I will say something that bothers the other one. Please tell me if I do something that upsets you and I will do the same.

The only time she ever said anything to me was about crib training Gordito and it was very carefully worded on her part, but she was spot on.

FNW · Guru

I'm not sure people send out engraved invitations to Thanksgiving anymore.

There were many years where SIL would have to "think about it" when DH would extend an invitation. Now that she is no longer permitted in our home, she misses it.

I cook because I'm better at it than my mother, and..well, I just enjoy it. My mother will offer, but I usually say it's okay, I'll do it while she breathes a sigh of relief. My mother does not enjoy cooking the Thanksgiving feast. She cannot look at a naked bird, so my father makes the turkey. She panics during those final moments when everything needs to be done at once and it stresses her out. And other than my mother's invites, we were never extended an invitation by the in-laws. There were two or three occasions out of the 13 years DH & I have been together where I did not cook Thanksgiving. But that doesn't mean when my boys are older and their SOs offer I will get pissy about it. Au contraire, I will gladly pass the torch.

-- Edited by FNW on Monday 19th of October 2015 12:48:47 PM

Riding · Guru

I have five kids, grown kids aged 28-18), they all live on their own and 4 have SO's. With many of their careers, including my DH's, there is shift work at the local surface coal mines or as support for the mines, so getting everyone together would be like herding monkeys

so I let them all know when I am cooking, (sometimes due to schedules it is not on the *day*) and they know they are all very very welcome and all I ask is to let me know if they can come so I know how much to cook, otherwise I am good with them starting their own traditions or going to the other families, or having the other family join us (we have a large house and I LOVE to cook) it is not a major deal, there are usually many faces at my table (s) and so I do not stress over those that cannot make it.

I love having a large family and generally they are all with us sometimes during the special times, but there are also other families involved and I do not want, nor will I be *that MOM* I just go with the flow, and anyone who comes to my table is welcome and fed! Family is not just blood, it is heart and I have been very blessed. I love all my *new* kids that are with my kids.

I just do not get the stress, how can I celebrate when I am angry over unimportant things IMHO to me. I do see the LW and the DIL's points of views, but I am thankful it is nothing I will have to worry about, Heck I will be happy to go to someone's house to eat ahhhh

FNW · Guru

I suspect getting upset is something that occurs more often in small families, Riding. I know my mother used to be a complete shrew when it came to holidays when I was in my 20's (I moved away in my 30's), because if both her kids weren't with her, she and my father were alone. 9 years ago they moved back here to be close to me, so of course I include them in all the holiday/special occasions, even back when we went to the in-laws. MIL used to invite them so that wasn't an issue. sMIL complained (before we cut her off) that she didn't like "other" people around because it infringed on her time with the boys. But even when no one else was around, she ignored the boys or insulted them so......

This thread is bringing back some not so distant bad memories for me.

Riding · Guru

FNW that would be awful, I had only one sibling and when my mom was still alive we had Thanksgiving at her house (we lived in same town) and then Christmas at mine because I had a fireplace for Santa LOL...it worked and was never an issue, my sibling and his SO were either there or at her parents or who knows ....but it was never a problem.
I guess I just do not understand but that's ok, you are all welcome to join us

Mary Zombie · Guru

My parents used to balk and mutter about Bro and SIL announcing after kid#1 that they would not travel for holidays anymore. But see....We were in Michigan by then. Michigan was never Bro's home. New england was. Even as a teen i got that.
Riding.....I wish everyone was like you!

Riding · Guru

Mary, thanks, I know I have seen so many friends etc. fight battles, that are important to them, or appear to be, and I see, as an outsider, what the results are, and for me it is not worth it. I do have a few hills I might faint on...and perhaps one or two I would die on, but generally I prefer to leap over those hills or go around them. I lost my dad when I was 15 and he was 39, my mom when I was 35 and she was 62, both very suddenly, and then lost a DH when we were both 41, so for me LIFE is just too damn short to get in a tither over every little thing.

With my herd of kids, I would be a mess if I stressed over everything. I want to enjoy my life. And again not judging anyone or staying any certain way is right or wrong, but for me, this is my right, I own it and I feel lucky I get to share my *forever* with my family, all of them, cause everyone gets a forever, unfortunately we just never know how long it will be.

Mary you know YOU are a special part of my family~

-- Edited by Riding on Monday 19th of October 2015 02:16:35 PM

Mary Zombie · Guru

Aww....
Ditto!

FNW · Guru

You are a wise woman, riding!

Mary Zombie · Guru

Riding is Da Bomb!

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Bonny22Pye wrote:
I'm so glad I love and am friends with my MIL.

Well, the DIL in the OP obviously doesn't care, or is too stupid to realize the damage she is doing.

Ohfour · Hooker

Lawyerlady wrote:
Bonny22Pye wrote:
I'm so glad I love and am friends with my MIL.

Well, the DIL in the OP obviously doesn't care, or is too stupid to realize the damage she is doing.

I think the MIL is doing the damage. She needs to loosen up. I would HATE to have an MIL like that...

Ohfour · Hooker

So the DIL is never supposed to spend Thanksgiving with her family? Thats retarded...

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

You know, Thanksgiving CAN be celebrated on another day! Gasp!!!

flan

Mary Zombie · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
So the DIL is never supposed to spend Thanksgiving with her family? Thats retarded...

Right. She has to forego that as long as her MIL is alive.....keep up!

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

See the post above yours...

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I think the one faux pas the DIL made was in not collaborating with the MIL over Thanksgiving. There wasn't any discussion of it. And is DIL going to expect the rest of the family (other siblings) to just show up at her house? Because that's putting them in a hard spot.

Ohfour · Hooker

No need for a discussion. She is hosting her family this year and MIL is invited. Why should she ask if she can host a meal for her family?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Well, if she's inviting her MIL I would think she's inviting all the other siblings as well. Or are they not invited? Because I see a lot of things going wrong here. If you exclude them there will be issues. If you invite them and MIL doesn't come you are putting the siblings in a place where they have to choose.

Mary Zombie · Guru

I don't know NJN....maybe she has an attitude of whomever comes....comes....
We don't know for sure.
I think if MIL would accept sometimes they will attend....sometimes host their own, perhaps DIL would follow suit too.
I would not be happy withbsomeone having to have cancer in order to have my own thanksgiving. Ridiculous.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I have said over and over and over that both of these women seem stubborn. What more do you want me to say? I will not put all the blame on the MIL. And the MIL was 100% wrong for the cancer comment. But MIL still has the right to have it at her house. Just like MIL shouldn't have said what she did DIL shouldn't have unilaterally made the decision to change everyone's plans without at least discussing it with the person who does it every year. The DIL seems just as clearly wrong here to me as the MIL. And the DIL could be starting WW3 in the family.