TOTALLY GEEKED!

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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I have said over and over and over that both of these women seem stubborn. What more do you want me to say? I will not put all the blame on the MIL. And the MIL was 100% wrong for the cancer comment. But MIL still has the right to have it at her house. Just like MIL shouldn't have said what she did DIL shouldn't have unilaterally made the decision to change everyone's plans without at least discussing it with the person who does it every year. The DIL seems just as clearly wrong here to me as the MIL. And the DIL could be starting WW3 in the family.

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 I can't really say I'm on either one's side...

flan

If the DIL doesn't want her MIL there then she shouldn't invite her. If she doesn't want her husbands siblings there then don't invite them. Let MIL host a Thanksgiving for the rest of them. DIL can have her way and have her own thing. Easy peasy.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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Yes, because starting WW3 with your MIL solves everything.

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 But is the only other option doing what MIL wants?

Thats not fair either.

Maybe other family secretly want to do something else too.....you never know.

Well. Perhaps DIL realized she loves being at home at TG.

I'm probably having my former neighbor....shes older and disabled. My friends know if they end up with no plans just text or call if they're heading over.
I'm easy

-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Monday 19th of October 2015 08:35:51 PM

I think the best course of action is to just go to Waffle House.

A double patty melt and hash browns scattered, diced, chopped, topped, covered and smothered would be the best thing ever.

Ohfour wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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So the DIL is never supposed to spend Thanksgiving with her family? Thats retarded...

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 Did you read the OP?  She spent last Thanksgiving with them, and the MIL said they were invited to her house. 

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 And if she has 10 brothers and sisters?  Are they and their spouses and kids invited? Why does she have to give up her family for the MIL? I would not go just to spite her. What a controlling wench...

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 A controlling wench who has given up the other holidays - and that means Christmas.  Yeah, she sounds terrible.  I mean, what kind of mother wants to have her kids over all together for one holiday a year?  How dare she!

Ohfour wrote:

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She wants to deprive her kids' spouses of Thanksgiving with their families. What if the other families claim Thanksgiving too?

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 Then they should do what people have done for eons - trade off for the holidays with each family.  You don't try to hijack it.

Not sure if I should go back and start at the beginning.

Is there a short summery? Anybody?

Oh, FFS!

Have TWO Thanksgiving dinners. More food...Win/win.

flan

Lawyerlady wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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Not sure if I should go back and start at the beginning.

Is there a short summery? Anybody?

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 Mom always hosts Thanksgiving and has given up all other holidays for that one.  New DIL decides she going to do it instead without any discussion.

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 Hahahaha!  That's pretty good.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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At what point are young adults allowed to start their own traditions? There is nothing wrong with wanting to put on your own dinner.

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 When the parents are too old or dead.  It's called respect.

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But what about respecting her DIL's parents?  Don't they deserve any respect? 

The LW here can't simply declare "I get Thanksgiving" and expect that all the inlaws of her various children are going to be ok with that in perpetuity.   

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 She said she has given up all the other holidays - so that should cover that.  And it's different if the DIL and family chooses to go to her family's house every other Thanksgiving than just deciding unilaterally that she is taking over hosting Thanksgiving. 

If people think MIL is unreasonable for saying "I always host Thanksgiving", then DIL is also unreasonable for just thinking she can take it over.

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So what?  She doesn't get to unilaterally decide to give up all other holidays and then expect that everyone comes to her house on Thanksgiving. 

Maybe the other families want to host Thanksgiving.  Maybe the other holidays don't work out as good for the other families. 

When there is more than one family involved--you don't get to decide what they all do.   

I've figured the whole thing out. The DIL wants to smoke in her own home and not go outside to smoke at MIL's.

huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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At what point are young adults allowed to start their own traditions? There is nothing wrong with wanting to put on your own dinner.

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 When the parents are too old or dead.  It's called respect.

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But what about respecting her DIL's parents?  Don't they deserve any respect? 

The LW here can't simply declare "I get Thanksgiving" and expect that all the inlaws of her various children are going to be ok with that in perpetuity.   

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 She said she has given up all the other holidays - so that should cover that.  And it's different if the DIL and family chooses to go to her family's house every other Thanksgiving than just deciding unilaterally that she is taking over hosting Thanksgiving. 

If people think MIL is unreasonable for saying "I always host Thanksgiving", then DIL is also unreasonable for just thinking she can take it over.

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So what?  She doesn't get to unilaterally decide to give up all other holidays and then expect that everyone comes to her house on Thanksgiving. 

Maybe the other families want to host Thanksgiving.  Maybe the other holidays don't work out as good for the other families. 

When there is more than one family involved--you don't get to decide what they all do.   

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 But that is EXACTLY what the DIL is doing.  Why is it ok for her?

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Why does anyone have to "OK" anything? DIL did notify the MIL. She said " I am having Thanksgiving at my house this year, please come". Everyone doesn't have to rubber stamp and OK everything someone else chooses to do. If she doesn't want to go, then just don't go. But, if she does go, go with a good attitude or stay home with a pissy attitude.

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 And MIL notified DIL that she would be having Thanksgiving at her house this year, please come.  What is the difference, please?

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Why does anyone have to "OK" anything? DIL did notify the MIL. She said " I am having Thanksgiving at my house this year, please come". Everyone doesn't have to rubber stamp and OK everything someone else chooses to do. If she doesn't want to go, then just don't go. But, if she does go, go with a good attitude or stay home with a pissy attitude.

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 And MIL notified DIL that she would be having Thanksgiving at her house this year, please come.  What is the difference, please?

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No, she didn't notify that she would be having Thanksgiving this year.  She let everyone know years ago that she ALWAYS has Thanksgiving and they better be there.  Last year she "allowed" her DIL to spend Thanksgiving with her family.  In what world do you think this is OK?  Why should DIL never get to spend Thanksgiving with her family? 

Again, if this were my MIL, I would never go.  No one is going to control my holidays...

We have hosted EVERY holiday at our house for 15 years! I would gladly give them ALL up and go to DD's or DS's for any or all holiday's.

When do I get a turn at not cooking?

We used to do 3 holidays, one for each family plus starting our own traditions. Some years it was a struggle, but we always made it work somehow.

Our advantage was we lived fairly close to both of our families.

If distance isn't a problem for the LW, I don't see why there can't be a compromise. And, after 44 years, it's time to quit hosting, IMHO.

Ohfour wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Why does anyone have to "OK" anything? DIL did notify the MIL. She said " I am having Thanksgiving at my house this year, please come". Everyone doesn't have to rubber stamp and OK everything someone else chooses to do. If she doesn't want to go, then just don't go. But, if she does go, go with a good attitude or stay home with a pissy attitude.

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 And MIL notified DIL that she would be having Thanksgiving at her house this year, please come.  What is the difference, please?

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No, she didn't notify that she would be having Thanksgiving this year.  She let everyone know years ago that she ALWAYS has Thanksgiving and they better be there.  Last year she "allowed" her DIL to spend Thanksgiving with her family.  In what world do you think this is OK?  Why should DIL never get to spend Thanksgiving with her family? 

Again, if this were my MIL, I would never go.  No one is going to control my holidays...

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 And in 10 years, you'd be the one writing into an advice column trying to figure out why MIL likes the other DILs better and why is she closer to the other grandkids than your kids.

I really think it should have been DISCUSSED first. If the DIL has invited all the siblings over too she has now put them in an awkward position of having to choose between a sibling and their mom. If she hasn't invited them then she's certainly sent them a very loud message. I really think this will probably start a roller coaster of issues.

My MIL willingly gave up hosting holidays long ago.

There comes a point in time, when each family needs to form their own traditions. MIL can then pick which family she wants to go to for the holidays. You can always have a big family reunion in the summer in place of a holiday a mom's.

Why is compromise so hard?

just Czech wrote:

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My MIL willingly gave up hosting holidays long ago.

There comes a point in time, when each family needs to form their own traditions. MIL can then pick which family she wants to go to for the holidays. You can always have a big family reunion in the summer in place of a holiday a mom's.

Why is compromise so hard?

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 I have said from the beginning they could compromise.  I just think the way the DIL went about it was the wrong way.

Wow, just wow.

Ohfour wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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And the DIL CAN do whatever she wants. It's her life and she can do whatever. But you also bear the consequences of what you do. There are other siblings involved here. This could get really sticky depending on how the other siblings feel.

And let's pretend all the other siblings want to rotate holidays too. That they're all tired of going to mom's. JUST PRETENDING HERE. How do you think MIL is going to feel when she finds out DIL spearheaded the committee to oust her?

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 Maybe she's the only one that would stand up to MIL.  They are all probably breathing a sigh of relief...

 

And I hope she feels knocked down a notch.  She's controlling and needs to be set straight.

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 There is absolutely NOTHING to base that on.  NOTHING.  Projecting much? 

Ohfour wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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My MIL willingly gave up hosting holidays long ago.

There comes a point in time, when each family needs to form their own traditions. MIL can then pick which family she wants to go to for the holidays. You can always have a big family reunion in the summer in place of a holiday a mom's.

Why is compromise so hard?

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 I have said from the beginning they could compromise.  I just think the way the DIL went about it was the wrong way.

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What was she supposed to do?  Ask for permission to have Thanksgiving at HER house?  And if MIL said no? 

Sorry, no one gets to dictate holidays and family time.  So she never EVER wants her kids spouses to spend time with their family on Thanksgiving?  Do you not realize how fvcked up that is?

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 So, they going to come on Christmas now?  Doubt it highly.  The holidays are always a balancing act between families - one holiday here, one there, etc.  This DIL is a selfish shrew who wants to control the holiday for both sides of the family.

I think it's extremely important for families to create new traditions before grandparents and parents pass.

I know on dad's side, we got together with his sisters and their families every holiday. Heck, almost every Sunday.

But when they both died, they both passed the same year, we were all at a loss.

It was as if no one knew what to do. Shell shocked even.

And we haven't all been in the same place at the same time again.

Mom's side, mawmaw stopped having everyone at her house each Christmas. Her kids rotate hosting duties now.

Mom started hosting Thanksgiving every year about 5 years ago.

Which is good.

Because the first year after pawpaw died, we all needed that familiar holiday routine.

I think if we hadn't already changed the way we did things, it would have been harder.