TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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My MIL willingly gave up hosting holidays long ago.

There comes a point in time, when each family needs to form their own traditions. MIL can then pick which family she wants to go to for the holidays. You can always have a big family reunion in the summer in place of a holiday a mom's.

Why is compromise so hard?

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 I have said from the beginning they could compromise.  I just think the way the DIL went about it was the wrong way.

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What was she supposed to do?  Ask for permission to have Thanksgiving at HER house?  And if MIL said no? 

Sorry, no one gets to dictate holidays and family time.  So she never EVER wants her kids spouses to spend time with their family on Thanksgiving?  Do you not realize how fvcked up that is?

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 So, they going to come on Christmas now?  Doubt it highly.  The holidays are always a balancing act between families - one holiday here, one there, etc.  This DIL is a selfish shrew who wants to control the holiday for both sides of the family.

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IMHO, sounds like they are both selfish shrews. Feelings folks, feeling. During the holidays, feeling are important. Again, compromise. 

just Czech wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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My MIL willingly gave up hosting holidays long ago.

There comes a point in time, when each family needs to form their own traditions. MIL can then pick which family she wants to go to for the holidays. You can always have a big family reunion in the summer in place of a holiday a mom's.

Why is compromise so hard?

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 I have said from the beginning they could compromise.  I just think the way the DIL went about it was the wrong way.

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What was she supposed to do?  Ask for permission to have Thanksgiving at HER house?  And if MIL said no? 

Sorry, no one gets to dictate holidays and family time.  So she never EVER wants her kids spouses to spend time with their family on Thanksgiving?  Do you not realize how fvcked up that is?

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 So, they going to come on Christmas now?  Doubt it highly.  The holidays are always a balancing act between families - one holiday here, one there, etc.  This DIL is a selfish shrew who wants to control the holiday for both sides of the family.

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IMHO, sounds like they are both selfish shrews. Feelings folks, feeling. During the holidays, feeling are important. Again, compromise. 

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 That's why I'm not really on either one's side.

flan

Ohfour wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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My MIL willingly gave up hosting holidays long ago.

There comes a point in time, when each family needs to form their own traditions. MIL can then pick which family she wants to go to for the holidays. You can always have a big family reunion in the summer in place of a holiday a mom's.

Why is compromise so hard?

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 I have said from the beginning they could compromise.  I just think the way the DIL went about it was the wrong way.

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What was she supposed to do?  Ask for permission to have Thanksgiving at HER house?  And if MIL said no? 

Sorry, no one gets to dictate holidays and family time.  So she never EVER wants her kids spouses to spend time with their family on Thanksgiving?  Do you not realize how fvcked up that is?

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 So, they going to come on Christmas now?  Doubt it highly.  The holidays are always a balancing act between families - one holiday here, one there, etc.  This DIL is a selfish shrew who wants to control the holiday for both sides of the family.

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 Not in anyone's world that I know.  We alternated Thanksgivings and Christmas Eves.  My family one year for Thanksgiving, his the next, his family one year for Christmas Eve, my the next.  After I stood up and stopped going to his mother's on Christmas morning, everyone stopped. It's take one person to stop the control.  Kudos to the DIL for standing up for her family...

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 This might be hard for you to understand - but some people LIKE going to their parents for the holidays.

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Right?  The DIL LIKES spending Thanksgiving with her family.  I guess she's wrong, huh?

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 And the son might like spending it at his mother's.  Her other kids might like spending it at her house.  DIL seems to be assuming a lot in changing plans for everyone.  What if the other kids are expecting to be at mom's and DIL derails those plans by inviting MIL to her house. 

It's a FAMILY event - it should be discussed by family - not unilaterally changed by one person.  The CHANGE requires actual discussion if it is going to affect others.

Bonny22Pye wrote:

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i still think this is an issue for the MIL to bring up with her son. There is probably something going on between the MIL and DIL and that's where the husband needs to get involved.

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I agree. Husband does need to be involved. Chances are he's controlled by his wife, but she should take his wishes into consideration before making a unilateral decision for his family.

just Czech wrote:

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Bonny22Pye wrote:

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i still think this is an issue for the MIL to bring up with her son. There is probably something going on between the MIL and DIL and that's where the husband needs to get involved.

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I agree. Husband does need to be involved. Chances are he's controlled by his wife, but she should take his wishes into consideration before making a unilateral decision for his family.

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 This is what I think.  He probably has no balls.  He HAS to know this was going to be an issue.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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Bonny22Pye wrote:

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i still think this is an issue for the MIL to bring up with her son. There is probably something going on between the MIL and DIL and that's where the husband needs to get involved.

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I agree. Husband does need to be involved. Chances are he's controlled by his wife, but she should take his wishes into consideration before making a unilateral decision for his family.

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 This is what I think.  He probably has no balls.  He HAS to know this was going to be an issue.

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And he may be happy that someone has family stood up to his controlling mother. 

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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It's a FAMILY event - it should be discussed by family - not unilaterally changed by one person. The CHANGE requires actual discussion if it is going to affect others.

What about HER family.  Do they not get to spend time with their daughter because of MIL?  That's SERIOUSLY wrong and one of the signs of abuse.  Keeping you away from your family during important times...

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 OMFG I can't believe I read this...

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So you agree that DIL should never spend Thanksgiving with her family unless MIL agrees?  Nice... 

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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Well, he probably doesn't since he's abusing his wife.

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 See this is funny to me. I was married to an abuser.  He was abused himself...by his controlling mother. 

He would never stand up to her, so I did.  I AM the DIL in this letter. And it all worked out for the best.

Ohfour wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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It's a FAMILY event - it should be discussed by family - not unilaterally changed by one person. The CHANGE requires actual discussion if it is going to affect others.

What about HER family.  Do they not get to spend time with their daughter because of MIL?  That's SERIOUSLY wrong and one of the signs of abuse.  Keeping you away from your family during important times...

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 OMFG I can't believe I read this...

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So you agree that DIL should never spend Thanksgiving with her family unless MIL agrees?  Nice... 

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 She could have easily spent Thanksgiving with her family.  But, that isn't what she is doing - she's attempting to change Thanksgiving for everyone, not just herself.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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I think you're projecting your own feelings onto this situation just like ed see's sex predators everywhere.

And I remember how damn butthurt you were and how you cried to the board all the times your daughter spent time exclusively with her in-laws and not you.

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But that wasn't dictated.  I know you don't have family, but if you did, would you let your DH's mother control your holidays? 

Ohfour wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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I think you're projecting your own feelings onto this situation just like ed see's sex predators everywhere.

And I remember how damn butthurt you were and how you cried to the board all the times your daughter spent time exclusively with her in-laws and not you.

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But that wasn't dictated.  I know you don't have family, but if you did, would you let your DH's mother control your holidays? 

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 If my MIL said I she would give up any claim to every other holiday for Thanksgiving - I'd be ALL over that!  One day a year and it would make my MIL happy - you bet your ass I'd be letting her have it.

Ohfour wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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I think you're projecting your own feelings onto this situation just like ed see's sex predators everywhere.

And I remember how damn butthurt you were and how you cried to the board all the times your daughter spent time exclusively with her in-laws and not you.

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But that wasn't dictated.  I know you don't have family, but if you did, would you let your DH's mother control your holidays? 

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 But you forget, I DO have in-laws.  They ALWAYS have Thanksgiving at their house.  It's a given.  Thanksgiving is a tradition there.  If we want to go we go.  If we don't want to go we don't.  But I would never ever in my whole life DEMAND that my MIL stop having her own traditions.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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I think you're projecting your own feelings onto this situation just like ed see's sex predators everywhere.

And I remember how damn butthurt you were and how you cried to the board all the times your daughter spent time exclusively with her in-laws and not you.

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But that wasn't dictated.  I know you don't have family, but if you did, would you let your DH's mother control your holidays? 

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 If my MIL said I she would give up any claim to every other holiday for Thanksgiving - I'd be ALL over that!  One day a year and it would make my MIL happy - you bet your ass I'd be letting her have it.

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 Me too.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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I think the DIL should just tell the MIL that she and the son are not coming and do her own thing. I don't think she should ruin it for everyone else. And if no one else wants to go they need to grow the balls to say so.

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You don't know that...  She probably didn't even invite everyone else.  Just the parents.  She's hosting her family and the MIL and FIL are invited if they want to come. No one is ruining anything...

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 Except who is cooking for the rest of MIL's family now since they likely all count on that as the tradition? 

 

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 Yeah, that's gonna start chit.

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

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I think you're projecting your own feelings onto this situation just like ed see's sex predators everywhere.

And I remember how damn butthurt you were and how you cried to the board all the times your daughter spent time exclusively with her in-laws and not you.

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But that wasn't dictated.  I know you don't have family, but if you did, would you let your DH's mother control your holidays? 

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 But you forget, I DO have in-laws.  They ALWAYS have Thanksgiving at their house.  It's a given.  Thanksgiving is a tradition there.  If we want to go we go.  If we don't want to go we don't.  But I would never ever in my whole life DEMAND that my MIL stop having her own traditions.

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WTF? Are you serious? No one is demanding that she not keep her controlling traditions.  She can do whatever the hell she wants to do.  So can DIL.  She can fix a big ole dinner for the rest of the family and DIL can have a nice, peaceful,  uncontrolled dinner with hers. 

just Czech wrote:

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O4, you know I love you to death, but what if your future DIL does the same thing to you?

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I stated before, I concede pretty much everything.  Sis took over Thanksgiving, I let her have it.  We don't do Christmas on Christmas...we do it whenever is convenient for all the kids to be there.  Last year, it was on the 28th.  This year, It's looking to be the 27th.

G and I gave up Christmas morning with the kids when we got married.  But we still spent equal time with each others families... 

Ohfour wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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O4, you know I love you to death, but what if your future DIL does the same thing to you?

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I stated before, I concede pretty much everything.  Sis took over Thanksgiving, I let her have it.  We don't do Christmas on Christmas...we do it whenever is convenient for all the kids to be there.  Last year, it was on the 28th.  This year, It's looking to be the 27th.

G and I gave up Christmas morning with the kids when we got married.  But we still spent equal time with each others families... 

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O4, I'm talking about the future. What if your future DIL feels that way? 

Ohfour wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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O4, you know I love you to death, but what if your future DIL does the same thing to you?

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I stated before, I concede pretty much everything.  Sis took over Thanksgiving, I let her have it.  We don't do Christmas on Christmas...we do it whenever is convenient for all the kids to be there.  Last year, it was on the 28th.  This year, It's looking to be the 27th.

G and I gave up Christmas morning with the kids when we got married.  But we still spent equal time with each others families... 

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O4, I'm talking about the future. What if your future DIL feels that way? 

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Feels what way? 

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What if she feels that you are a control freak? 

just Czech wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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O4, you know I love you to death, but what if your future DIL does the same thing to you?

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I stated before, I concede pretty much everything.  Sis took over Thanksgiving, I let her have it.  We don't do Christmas on Christmas...we do it whenever is convenient for all the kids to be there.  Last year, it was on the 28th.  This year, It's looking to be the 27th.

G and I gave up Christmas morning with the kids when we got married.  But we still spent equal time with each others families... 

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O4, I'm talking about the future. What if your future DIL feels that way? 

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Feels what way? 

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What if she feels that you are a control freak? 

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LOL!  Seriously?  I control nothing.  I totally work around their schedules.  I let them tell me when they will be coming and I prepare.  I gave up Thanksgiving.  I'm the least controlling person in the world... 

just Czech wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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O4, you know I love you to death, but what if your future DIL does the same thing to you?

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I stated before, I concede pretty much everything.  Sis took over Thanksgiving, I let her have it.  We don't do Christmas on Christmas...we do it whenever is convenient for all the kids to be there.  Last year, it was on the 28th.  This year, It's looking to be the 27th.

G and I gave up Christmas morning with the kids when we got married.  But we still spent equal time with each others families... 

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O4, I'm talking about the future. What if your future DIL feels that way? 

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Feels what way? 

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What if she feels that you are a control freak? 

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LOL!  Seriously?  I control nothing.  I totally work around their schedules.  I let them tell me when they will be coming and I prepare.  I gave up Thanksgiving.  I'm the least controlling person in the world... 

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But, O4, how we see ourselves and how an in-law sees us, are two completely different things. We can't make that judgment in advance. We don't know how a future in-law will perceive us no matter how compromising we think we are.

I'm just saying, be prepared for the unexpected.

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That's how I handle every holiday.  I let them tell ME.  Since they have been out of the house, I've never expected anything.  They work together to come up with a date.  Last year, G's son didn't make it.  My son didn't make it to Thanksgiving.  The world kept spinning! 

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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just Czech wrote:

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O4, you know I love you to death, but what if your future DIL does the same thing to you?

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I stated before, I concede pretty much everything.  Sis took over Thanksgiving, I let her have it.  We don't do Christmas on Christmas...we do it whenever is convenient for all the kids to be there.  Last year, it was on the 28th.  This year, It's looking to be the 27th.

G and I gave up Christmas morning with the kids when we got married.  But we still spent equal time with each others families... 

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O4, I'm talking about the future. What if your future DIL feels that way? 

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Feels what way? 

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What if she feels that you are a control freak? 

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LOL!  Seriously?  I control nothing.  I totally work around their schedules.  I let them tell me when they will be coming and I prepare.  I gave up Thanksgiving.  I'm the least controlling person in the world... 

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 Except when it came to telling your MIL when and how people would no longer be doing holidays her way.

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No, I told her how I was going to spend MY holiday. She could do whatever she chose to do.  I dictated nothing to her.  We didn't go.  I didn't make her do anything...