TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

RE: He Wants Us to Cut Her Off.

Tinydancer · Guru

Sorry. I can't just stop loving someone because someone else stops.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

He cheated on her. That's the dishonorable part.

Mary Zombie · Guru

They don't have to stop loving her. But their actual child has to come before her in the pekking order.
They can try to help her find more of a support system.
But their son is their child. If the choice is the Ex spending a holiday elsewhere or alienating their son....
The son should come first.

Mary Zombie · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
He cheated on her. That's the dishonorable part.

I don't really think so. But we don't have to agree.

Tinydancer · Guru

They should be teaching him about honoring commitments. He created this dynamic and now must learn to deal with it like an adult.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

What committment???? He wasnt engaged or married. How ridiculous.

Tinydancer · Guru

He was the one who brought this girl into the family. That's the commitment. I don't think you could just turn off your love for this girl if this had been your family LGS.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dating isnt marriage. She wasnt the girl for him. He moved on. There is nothing wrong with that.

Tinydancer · Guru

I didn't say it was wrong for him to move on. Only that he expected his parents to "move on" from a girl HE brought into the family and that THEY grew to love.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Mary Zombie wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
He cheated on her. That's the dishonorable part.
I don't really think so. But we don't have to agree.

Read the OP

Now, after six years together, our son has broken up with Jane after getting involved with another girl at their college.

He got involved with another girl while they were together. That means he cheated on her.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

They were dating. Not married. Not at all the same thing.

ed11563 · Guru

Just a refresher ...

"Our son had a longtime childhood friend, Jane, and they started dating in high school. Jane’s mother died when she was young and her father was neglectful due to alcohol abuse. We helped Jane get her driver’s license, paid for her college applications, and she occasionally lived with us. We grew very close to her and she considers us adoptive parents."

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
They were dating. Not married. Not at all the same thing.

So? It's still scummy.

msrock · Guru

OMG. Puppy love is puppy love. It's over! Everyone needs to move on and accept the hand they've been dealt. This girl is a part of the family now... like it or not. We don't all lead a perfect life. We live, we learn. Now it's time to face the consequences they created. Nobody has to do anything that they don't feel right about. I don't want them to.

-- Edited by msrock on Wednesday 21st of October 2015 10:06:16 PM

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dating. Not married. Means you are still considering your options.

msrock · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Dating. Not married. Means you are still considering your options.

Of course. And that's the way it should be.

Lindley · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Mary Zombie wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
He cheated on her. That's the dishonorable part.
I don't really think so. But we don't have to agree.

Read the OP
Now, after six years together, our son has broken up with Jane after getting involved with another girl at their college.
He got involved with another girl while they were together. That means he cheated on her.

Ok I forgot about the getting involved while they were still dating, but we only know part of the story.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

msrock wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Dating. Not married. Means you are still considering your options.
Of course. And that's the way it should be.

Isn't that kind of the point of dating? Exploring your options? Sorry, but I don't think we need to label him as some kind of evil Spawn of Satan in this situation. Nowhere did I say they should dump her, cut her out of their lives completely, blah, blah. I simply said that he is their son and that he should be allowed to have some unencumbered time alone with his own parents. Not sure why they can't at least allow him a few days of that? And, they can see her at other times. Not sure what is so hard about that?

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
msrock wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Dating. Not married. Means you are still considering your options.
Of course. And that's the way it should be.

Isn't that kind of the point of dating? Exploring your options? Sorry, but I don't think we need to label him as some kind of evil Spawn of Satan in this situation. Nowhere did I say they should dump her, cut her out of their lives completely, blah, blah. I simply said that he is their son and that he should be allowed to have some unencumbered time alone with his own parents. Not sure why they can't at least allow him a few days of that? And, they can see her at other times. Not sure what is so hard about that?

In case you didn't read the OP, the son is demanding they cut her out of their lives completely.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

And, I said like 10x that I didn't agree with that. What I did say is that they don't have to be together at the parents home. I really don't think it would be all that difficult to manage that.

huskerbb · Guru

Mary Zombie wrote:
They don't have to stop loving her. But their actual child has to come before her in the pekking order.
They can try to help her find more of a support system.
But their son is their child. If the choice is the Ex spending a holiday elsewhere or alienating their son....
The son should come first.

Yeah. They have no familial or legal relationship to her. I never said they couldn't still pay for things they said they would, or even that they have to cut her out of their life despite what their son wants.

However, to say that you can't bring your new girlfriend to meet the family because the old one simply "has" to be there is ludicrous.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

"while she is there" is KEY. The parents don't have to cut her out of their lives or refuse to let her visit. The son can bring his new girlfriend around when she isn't there.

This is shocking - I know - but people should really be invited, or at least clear it with the owners - before they visit.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
"while she is there" is KEY. The parents don't have to cut her out of their lives or refuse to let her visit. The son can bring his new girlfriend around when she isn't there.

This is shocking - I know - but people should really be invited, or at least clear it with the owners - before they visit.

Holidays should be reserved for the son--not the ex. She can visit at times when he is not there. I doubt she really wants to be arould him, anyway, new girlfriend or not.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
"while she is there" is KEY. The parents don't have to cut her out of their lives or refuse to let her visit. The son can bring his new girlfriend around when she isn't there.

This is shocking - I know - but people should really be invited, or at least clear it with the owners - before they visit.
Holidays should be reserved for the son--not the ex. She can visit at times when he is not there. I doubt she really wants to be arould him, anyway, new girlfriend or not.

Then it will work itself out. But he does not get to "demand" who his parents do and do not have in thier home.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
"while she is there" is KEY. The parents don't have to cut her out of their lives or refuse to let her visit. The son can bring his new girlfriend around when she isn't there.

This is shocking - I know - but people should really be invited, or at least clear it with the owners - before they visit.
Holidays should be reserved for the son--not the ex. She can visit at times when he is not there. I doubt she really wants to be arould him, anyway, new girlfriend or not.
Then it will work itself out. But he does not get to "demand" who his parents do and do not have in thier home.

That's why the original advice was good, but most people seemed to disagree with it.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Omg i never had to " clear" going home. Home was home. I didnt have to make an appt. If u run your house like that fine but we dont and wont.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Omg i never had to " clear" going home. Home was home. I didnt have to make an appt. If u run your house like that fine but we dont and wont.

I was talking about bringing his girlfriend home. They shouldn't just be showing up.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Are people being intentionally obtuse?

Why on earth would the son have the right to demand who the parents can have in their home?

Why on earth would the son just be able to bring home girls to stay without asking his parents first?

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Omg i never had to " clear" going home. Home was home. I didnt have to make an appt. If u run your house like that fine but we dont and wont.

Yeah. My kids are welcome home any time--not to live--but darn sure to visit and especially for holidays.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Are people being intentionally obtuse?

Why on earth would the son have the right to demand who the parents can have in their home?

Why on earth would the son just be able to bring home girls to stay without asking his parents first?

Who said anything about not asking them? But his parents saying no to a current to accommodate an ex is absurd.

huskerbb · Guru

Czech's MIL made my wedding cake, and you couldn't find a better one anywhere.

Ohfour · Hooker

huskerbb wrote:
Czech's MIL made my wedding cake, and you couldn't find a better one anywhere.

Wrong thread, honey... biggrin

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Omg i never had to " clear" going home. Home was home. I didnt have to make an appt. If u run your house like that fine but we dont and wont.
I was talking about bringing his girlfriend home. They shouldn't just be showing up.

Why not? I doubt my parents would have batted an eyelash. My kids bring friends home all the time. We don't have a problem with that. We are very casual. I don't see the big deal.

huskerbb · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Czech's MIL made my wedding cake, and you couldn't find a better one anywhere.
Wrong thread, honey...

Oops

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

huskerbb wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Czech's MIL made my wedding cake, and you couldn't find a better one anywhere.
Wrong thread, honey...
Oops

I caught that but didn't say anything!

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

flan327 wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Czech's MIL made my wedding cake, and you couldn't find a better one anywhere.
Wrong thread, honey...
Oops
I caught that but didn't say anything!
flan

Me too!

Ohfour · Hooker

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
flan327 wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Czech's MIL made my wedding cake, and you couldn't find a better one anywhere.
Wrong thread, honey...
Oops
I caught that but didn't say anything!
flan
Me too!

I like to pick at Husker every once in a while. It was friendly banter...

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

And you called him "Honey!"

flan

Ohfour · Hooker

flan327 wrote:
And you called him "Honey!"

flan

HA! I'm in a good mood today...so everybody is "honey".

I went to the eye Dr. She said "at our age, mid-thirties, our site declines more rapidly".

MID THIRTIES! Let me say that again MID THIRTIES!!!!!

I wish I had recorded that!

WYSIWYG · Guru

Then it will work itself out. But he does not get to "demand" who his parents do and do not have in thier home.
- Lawyerlady

_________________________

This is where I am on this subject as well.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Omg i never had to " clear" going home. Home was home. I didnt have to make an appt. If u run your house like that fine but we dont and wont.
I was talking about bringing his girlfriend home. They shouldn't just be showing up.

Why not? I doubt my parents would have batted an eyelash. My kids bring friends home all the time. We don't have a problem with that. We are very casual. I don't see the big deal.

So what? Why is what you DO or DID the same thing everyone else has to do?

And THIS is not a normal situation, he helped create it, and he's going to have to deal with it.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Omg i never had to " clear" going home. Home was home. I didnt have to make an appt. If u run your house like that fine but we dont and wont.
I was talking about bringing his girlfriend home. They shouldn't just be showing up.

Why not? I doubt my parents would have batted an eyelash. My kids bring friends home all the time. We don't have a problem with that. We are very casual. I don't see the big deal.
So what? Why is what you DO or DID the same thing everyone else has to do?
And THIS is not a normal situation, he helped create it, and he's going to have to deal with it.

Huh? You are interpreting this as what YOU would do as well. I think I have said 100x that everyone can do whatever they want to do. If they want to tell their son to go pound salt and that Ex is going to be here, then they may. But, I am giving my opinion on their approach and I disagree. I am not the one saying that he has to make an appt. My point is that not all families require their children to make appts to come home.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I don't know anyone that would be pleased if random adults were brought to their home to stay without warning. They are 22, not 12.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I wasn't talking about staying. I don't think he should presume that his GF can stay overnight.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I wasn't talking about staying. I don't think he should presume that his GF can stay overnight.

I think this is where the disconnect is. LL and I are reading it like he's planning on bringing his g/f home to stay the night. In OUR homes that would be a no no. I know my kids already know that and I'm pretty sure LL's will too. I doubt either of our kids would even ask that. BUT, I know my kids wouldn't really ask to bring a friend home. They'd just kind of say, "It's okay if I bring so and so home, right?" Because they know friends are welcome.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

OK, fair enough. I agree, that if you are going to bring her home to sleep over, that he should ask his parents. And, maybe they are OK with that but want her to sleep on the sofa or whatever but he should ask first. So, see we do agree. It seems that we agree a lot. But we wind up disagreeing to the degree that we agree! LOL!

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
OK, fair enough. I agree, that if you are going to bring her home to sleep over, that he should ask his parents. And, maybe they are OK with that but want her to sleep on the sofa or whatever but he should ask first. So, see we do agree. It seems that we agree a lot. But we wind up disagreeing to the degree that we agree! LOL!

That's fair. Like I said I think the disconnect is some are thinking to sleep over and some are not. My kids know that we're pretty open to having people come over anytime. Sometimes we might have something to do. They're pretty good about it.

ed11563 · Guru

A college student might bring home a GF who lives in a different city. Few parents would allow them to share a bed / bedroom, but if there's and extra bedroom, some would be fine with the visitor.

It sounds like in this case, there IS an extra room, unless the son and first GF were sharing a bedroom (highly unlikely). So one problem with having his current GF and the long-time sort-of-daughter there at the same time might be that the GIRLS would have to share a bedroom. Or maybe the couch.

And he would expect there to be friction and/or jealousy between the young women.

Or maybe he broke up with her for GOOD reasons he cannot tell his parents, and doesn't want to discuss with her where they might be overheard.

I don't think there's any reason to think he's a jerk.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Oh, I disagree that "few parents" would allow them to share a bedroom. I find that there are plenty of parents with very liberal views on that. But, I already said that the Ex should step out of the picture for a few days and allow him to have time with his parents. And, likewise, they can entertain her and tell him, sorry, Ex is coming over for dinner tonight and you are free to join us or not.