TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Abby: Wife Sleeps in the Living Room

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Let the kid sleep on the couch. It doesn't hurt a thing.

The question is, why is the wife not sleeping in the bedroom?

Maybe he does snore. Maybe she is more comfortable for whatever physical reason in the recliner. Maybe he is over thinking it.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

"I know I snore, but she has not complained about it keeping her awake or used it as an excuse."

Dude - she sleeps in the recliner over the bed. There's a reason.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

He says if is wife comes to bed, he knows sex is going to happen. Maybe he expects sex every night if she sleeps in the bed, and that's too much for her.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
He says if is wife comes to bed, he knows sex is going to happen. Maybe he expects sex every night if she sleeps in the bed, and that's too much for her.

I think that's part of it.

The whole situation is messed up on so many levels.

Counseling.

flan

ed11563 · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
He says if is wife comes to bed, he knows sex is going to happen. Maybe he expects sex every night if she sleeps in the bed, and that's too much for her.

He said she comes to bed once a month and initiates sex. He has no say in the matter, it's all under her control.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

ed11563 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
He says if is wife comes to bed, he knows sex is going to happen. Maybe he expects sex every night if she sleeps in the bed, and that's too much for her.
He said she comes to bed once a month and initiates sex. He has no say in the matter, it's all under her control.

That may be the way she controls it. It's probably easier than rejecting his advances in bed and having to argue about not being in the mood.

Lindley · Guru

Maybe if he gets a babysitter and take his wife to dinner and maybe communicate his feelings about her sleeping on the chair and to listen to her about her feelings would help.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Seriously - they have a 16 year old, a six year old and a TWO year old. She's probably pretty wiped out - that's a huge age difference, so she had that last baby at an older age. How much does he help with the care of the kids, especially the baby?

Ohfour · Hooker

Lawyerlady wrote:
Seriously - they have a 16 year old, a six year old and a TWO year old. She's probably pretty wiped out - that's a huge age difference, so she had that last baby at an older age. How much does he help with the care of the kids, especially the baby?

No, they are 12, 6, and 2...

Bonny22Pye · Guru

My husband snores really bad. We start in bed together, but I almost always end up in the twin sized bed in Gordito's room. Gordito is still in a crib. DH is going in for a sleep study on his next hiatus to see if we can help with his snoring.

I prize my sleep over sharing a bed all night.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Ohfour wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Seriously - they have a 16 year old, a six year old and a TWO year old. She's probably pretty wiped out - that's a huge age difference, so she had that last baby at an older age. How much does he help with the care of the kids, especially the baby?
No, they are 12, 6, and 2...

Ah well, what's a little dyslexia in the morning? Still a big gap - does he help?

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Bonny22Pye wrote:
My husband snores really bad. We start in bed together, but I almost always end up in the twin sized bed in Gordito's room. Gordito is still in a crib. DH is going in for a sleep study on his next hiatus to see if we can help with his snoring.

I prize my sleep over sharing a bed all night.

My DH snores, too. It has gotten worse as he gets older. Before kids, I could tune it out if I was asleep first, but after kids - I wake up at the slightest sound. We should have bought a house with connecting master suites because on bad nights, one of us has to leave the bed.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Earplugs are cheap...

flan

Bonny22Pye · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Earplugs are cheap...

flan

He won't wake up if Gordito is crying and I can't hear him with the earplugs. Besides, if its a real health thing we need to figure it out.

Ohfour · Hooker

I snore...well, I used to. Last year, I went through the whole sleep study thing...

I have a dorsal appliance. It has been a miracle worker for me...I feel SO much better...

dynaflex.com/dental-sleep-med/sleep-appliances/dorsal-appliance/

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Bonny22Pye wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Earplugs are cheap...

flan
He won't wake up if Gordito is crying and I can't hear him with the earplugs. Besides, if its a real health thing we need to figure it out.

No, I understand your situation. DH uses them on nights he claims that I snore! LOL

flan

Ohfour · Hooker

Bonny22Pye wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Earplugs are cheap...

flan
He won't wake up if Gordito is crying and I can't hear him with the earplugs. Besides, if its a real health thing we need to figure it out.

I had SEVERE sleep apnea. Check out the link I posted about the Dorsal Appliance. My insurance covered it...

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

flan327 wrote:
Earplugs are cheap...

flan

I have young kids in the house - I'm not wearing earplugs.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Earplugs are cheap...

flan
I have young kids in the house - I'm not wearing earplugs.

Sorry. It works for us...

And they don't block out all sounds.

flan

Bonny22Pye · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
Bonny22Pye wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Earplugs are cheap...

flan
He won't wake up if Gordito is crying and I can't hear him with the earplugs. Besides, if its a real health thing we need to figure it out.
I had SEVERE sleep apnea. Check out the link I posted about the Dorsal Appliance. My insurance covered it...

I just sent myself the link at home to check out.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Dad has a mask. Sleeps with a machine.

We call it his elephant nose.

I sleep in the recliner sometimes.

There are times when it is the only place I can get my legs to stop hurting.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I am not ready to hang it all on the sex issue. I would like to know some more information before I guessed.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

A lot of if may simply be that, that is where she falls asleep and it's comfortable.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

My ex slept on the sofa every night. He hated my bed & couldn't sleep there. Before he moved in he slept on his sofa every night so it was no big deal.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Well, for me a sofa is not as comfortable as my bed!

flan

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

flan327 wrote:
Well, for me a sofa is not as comfortable as my bed!

flan

Me neither. I love my bed but the only bodies I have to share with are 10lb each & don't take up much space.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

It may not be him. Does she have any anxiety issues in regards to the kids? Is she having physical issues that make sex uncomfortable? Could be a lot of things that have nothing to do with him. Or, maybe it does. Take her out for dinner and have a talk as Lindley said.

Honeys_Mom · Mod & Permanent Board Sweetheart

Maybe she's unhappy with the hug toll.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
He says if is wife comes to bed, he knows sex is going to happen. Maybe he expects sex every night if she sleeps in the bed, and that's too much for her.

Then she needs to discuss that, not be passive-aggressive by unilaterally making other sleeping arrangements.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
He says if is wife comes to bed, he knows sex is going to happen. Maybe he expects sex every night if she sleeps in the bed, and that's too much for her.
Then she needs to discuss that, not be passive-aggressive by unilaterally making other sleeping arrangements.

I don't disagree, but maybe she has tried and he didn't listen.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Honeys_Mom wrote:
Maybe she's unhappy with the hug toll.

you people are cracking me up, well, HM is anyways

NAOW · Vette's SS

Maybe she has kids who don't go to bed easily and she doesn't have the energy at the end of the day to fix it, so she is just doing what she can to get by for now, and if both the kids will go to sleep without trouble in the living room with her, so be it.

I don't agree with it but I understand being too tired at the end of the day and just wanting to get to sleep.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

NAOW wrote:
Maybe she has kids who don't go to bed easily and she doesn't have the energy at the end of the day to fix it, so she is just doing what she can to get by for now, and if both the kids will go to sleep without trouble in the living room with her, so be it.

I don't agree with it but I understand being too tired at the end of the day and just wanting to get to sleep.

I made this mistake when I was a single mom. I was exhausted at the end of the day. I got tired of fighting the bedtime thing. It was easier to let them sleep with me than to have a big bedtime fight. I ended up never getting a decent nights sleep because of it. Oh well, lessons learned and all...

burns07 · Guru

she's sounds depressed and rightfully so--also, believe he could be more understanding and supportive in raising the children and by helping her perhaps become more dialed in to HER life

huskerbb · Guru

burns07 wrote:

she's sounds depressed and rightfully so--also, believe he could be more understanding and supportive in raising the children and by helping her perhaps become more dialed in to HER life

How so? She's ignoring his input in bedtime arrangements. We don't know that he isn't doing his share in raising the children.

He undoubtedly wants to be more dialed in to her life--but she won't even sleep with him.

WYSIWYG · Guru

I don't think there's enough information in the letter to determine good advice.

Separately, once the sleeping arrangement is figured out, I do think that it would be better if he had some opportunities to initiate sex with his wife. Once a month, at her whim, and that's it? That's not going to keep a happy marriage going.

chef · Guru

If he thinks it's his snoring, he needs to let his wife know that it's safe to be honest with him rather than her saying it's not his snoring. Perhaps she's tried to bring up his snoring in the past and he got mad at her for doing so.

Snoring doesn't bother me. DH, DS, and I all snore. DH does have apnea but refuses to wear his CPAP mask. DH calls my snores cute. DS ... well, I'm partially deaf and can hear him. When DH and I started spending nights together, MIL asked how I could stand sleeping right next to him because his snoring would wake her up even though she's in her room. I don't hear his snoring unless it's extra loud or I'm having an insomnia night. It wakes me up when he doesn't snore.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I remember pawpaw saying he didn't mind granny's snoring as long as he got to sleep before she did.

My goodness that woman could snore. Like grizzly bear. It would scare me something awful when I spent the night.

Jesse moans in his sleep. He sounds like an old cow.

I can hear him down the hall through 2 closed doors.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

huskerbb wrote:

burns07 wrote:

she's sounds depressed and rightfully so--also, believe he could be more understanding and supportive in raising the children and by helping her perhaps become more dialed in to HER life

How so? She's ignoring his input in bedtime arrangements. We don't know that he isn't doing his share in raising the children.

He undoubtedly wants to be more dialed in to her life--but she won't even sleep with him.

Yes. And if the husband were doing this, he would be hogged tied and quartered, lol. biggrin

huskerbb · Guru

It probably is the snoring--but she needs to come out and say that.

ed11563 · Guru

Do you think she's limiting sex to once a month because of snoring? I don't think so.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

ed11563 wrote:
Do you think she's limiting sex to once a month because of snoring? I don't think so.

I think she's not sleeping with him because of the snoring. I think the sex thing has more to do with not even thinking about it b/c she's tired from taking care of kids and everything else.

This might shock you, but not everyone things about sex 24/7.

huskerbb · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
Do you think she's limiting sex to once a month because of snoring? I don't think so.

I think she's not sleeping with him because of the snoring. I think the sex thing has more to do with not even thinking about it b/c she's tired from taking care of kids and everything else.
This might shock you, but not everyone things about sex 24/7.

But that's an issue they need to work out between them, not her unilaterally deciding how it will be.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
Do you think she's limiting sex to once a month because of snoring? I don't think so.

I think she's not sleeping with him because of the snoring. I think the sex thing has more to do with not even thinking about it b/c she's tired from taking care of kids and everything else.
This might shock you, but not everyone things about sex 24/7.
But that's an issue they need to work out between them, not her unilaterally deciding how it will be.

News flash. Wives have the right to not have sex on demand.

ed11563 · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
Do you think she's limiting sex to once a month because of snoring? I don't think so.

I think she's not sleeping with him because of the snoring. I think the sex thing has more to do with not even thinking about it b/c she's tired from taking care of kids and everything else.
This might shock you, but not everyone things about sex 24/7.
But that's an issue they need to work out between them, not her unilaterally deciding how it will be.

News flash. Wives have the right to not have sex on demand.

Sounds like he was asking (not demanding), she was consistently refusing, and eventually he gave up.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

ed11563 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
Do you think she's limiting sex to once a month because of snoring? I don't think so.

I think she's not sleeping with him because of the snoring. I think the sex thing has more to do with not even thinking about it b/c she's tired from taking care of kids and everything else.
This might shock you, but not everyone things about sex 24/7.
But that's an issue they need to work out between them, not her unilaterally deciding how it will be.

News flash. Wives have the right to not have sex on demand.
Sounds like he was asking (not demanding), she was consistently refusing, and eventually he gave up.

That is complete speculation on your part. His complaint is that she is sleeping in another room so he doesn't get to initiate sex. How about this, dude, YOU go take care of the kids for a few nights and deal with their sleep issues instead of just telling your wife to do it. Maybe with a few good nights sleep alone in bed, she'd have more energy.

ed11563 · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
huskerbb wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
Do you think she's limiting sex to once a month because of snoring? I don't think so.

I think she's not sleeping with him because of the snoring. I think the sex thing has more to do with not even thinking about it b/c she's tired from taking care of kids and everything else.
This might shock you, but not everyone things about sex 24/7.
But that's an issue they need to work out between them, not her unilaterally deciding how it will be.

News flash. Wives have the right to not have sex on demand.
Sounds like he was asking (not demanding), she was consistently refusing, and eventually he gave up.

That is complete speculation on your part. His complaint is that she is sleeping in another room so he doesn't get to initiate sex. How about this, dude, YOU go take care of the kids for a few nights and deal with their sleep issues instead of just telling your wife to do it. Maybe with a few good nights sleep alone in bed, she'd have more energy.

That's certainly worth trying. What if he does this and nothing changes?

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Then they should try counseling at that point. But really? Having a toddler in the house messes with everyone's sex life.

FNW · Guru

DH used to snore. Until I put allergy casings on our mattress and pillows. Even when he did, it didn't bother me. I can sleep through anything. Just a week or two ago I slept through my son throwing up in the middle of the night. I could never nap when the boys napped because I wouldn't wake up when/if they needed me. The boys have learned that if I'm asleep, they have to come in and shake me to wake me and even then, I can't guarantee.

There could be a number of reasons this woman does not want to sleep in her bed. But I agree, he needs to talk to her about it and find out why.