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Post Info TOPIC: Help! My Son Is Being Excluded From Halloween by Neighborhood Boys. Should I Intervene?
ed11563


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Help! My Son Is Being Excluded From Halloween by Neighborhood Boys. Should I Intervene?
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Dear Prudence,
My son is a high school freshman, and we live in a nice neighborhood near several boys his age he’s known since first grade. Last year a group of the boys decided to create a haunted trail for the young kids to visit on Halloween. My son asked if he could help, but the other boys said there were too many people involved already. My son was crushed. The other boys are all athletes; my son is not athletic or cool. I spoke to several of the mothers explaining how hurt my son was. They all told me it was a misunderstanding and the boys never meant to exclude my son. Nonetheless, his friendship with these boys ended. I told my son that sometimes friendships have an expiration date, and it hurts, but it’s a lesson in how not to treat others. Now it’s Halloween again and signs have gone up inviting neighborhood kids to the haunted trail. My son saw a sign and said, “Oh, the haunted trail—where you have to be a cool kid to help with it.” This is killing me. I feel like I’m going to turn into a crazy monster if I have to keep hearing about this trail. My husband says drop it, but I’m in a rage. We have recommended our son invite some friends over for pizza and video games on Saturday. I know this bothers him, but not nearly as much as it bothers me. How do I get over this? 

—Haunted by the Trail

Dear Haunted,
You don’t want to end up inadvertently starring in the latest edition of the Halloweenmovie franchise, Halloween: The Revenge of Mom. You said some wise things to your son, and now you need to take your own advice. It’s true that sometimes friendships end, and that can be painful. It’s also true that you do your son no favor by showing that you find his snubbing unbearable. I think it was a mistake for you to have intervened previously. It’s one thing to step up if your child is being shunned or bullied, but you should have held your tongue about his exclusion from a single activity. I hope your confronting the other mothers didn’t end up haunting your son this past year, turning an unpleasant event into a permanent break. Even if your son was not part of this group, it would have been better if he had at least stayed friendly with the boys who live nearby and whom he has known his entire life. The good news is that you say your son has some real friends, friends who can come over and hang out with him on Halloween. So get lots of treats, host a small gathering, and listen to your husband and let this go. You don’t want to turn into a witch whose rage is a trial for your son to endure.

—Prudie



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lilyofcourse


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Does this kid not have other friends?

Mom needs to back off. Cut the apron strings.



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Sheesh. Let's make our kids a VSS.

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Lawyerlady


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I agree with Prudie completely on this. Sorry, but you can't force other kids to include yours on every little thing. Kids have the right to only want to do certain things with certain friends. It's that simple. This mom is a nut.

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Nobody Just Nobody


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Yeah, she is a nut.

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Ohfour


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WOW. I'm speechless.

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Lindley


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He is way old enough to handle his social life. She is doing more harm then good. He is not 3 yrs old

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Get over it mom. Yeah, it's painful. But, in life, everyone isn't your friend. Don't waste your time thinking about people who don't waste their time thinking about you. And the "cool kids" are allowed to have their own group of friends.

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lilyofcourse


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She needs to shut up and think about this.

When I was a teen and in the woods with my friends, we were not looking at the scenery.

They may be doing something for Halloween. But that doesn't mean there isn't other stuff going on too.

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Ohfour


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This statement:
I spoke to several of the mothers explaining how hurt my son was. They all told me it was a misunderstanding and the boys never meant to exclude my son. Nonetheless, his friendship with these boys ended.

Should read like this:
I spoke to several of the mothers explaining how hurt my son was. They all told me it was a misunderstanding and the boys never meant to exclude my son. Because I'm crazy, his friendship with these boys ended.



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Nobody Just Nobody


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Lindley wrote:

He is way old enough to handle his social life. She is doing more harm then good. He is not 3 yrs old

 That's what I thought!  He's a high schooler.  I know those years are tough but you can't protect kids from everything.  The big bad world out there is a lot worse than high school.

Besides, the kid even said he has other friends.  The mom needs to get over it.  And yeah, those may be the kids labeled cool but that doesn't mean he and his friends can't have fun too.



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Nobody Just Nobody


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I wonder if she'll go to his job interviews and/or performance reviews.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Well in her defense you do get tired of the meanness of some of these kids.

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FNW


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Helicoptering at its finest.

Heck, I wouldn't do that if the boys were 3.

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Well in her defense you do get tired of the meanness of some of these kids.

 Well then, even more reason not to have them play together.



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Ohfour


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Well in her defense you do get tired of the meanness of some of these kids.

She didn't say they were being mean.  They just aren't including him. Quite possibly, because of her...



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FNW


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I tell my boys that kids can be really mean. Best not to associate with them and just find someone nice to play with.

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chef


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As someone who was often excluded from stuff because I wasn't "cool" enough, I can understand the mom's ire. However, I wouldn't have gone about it the way she did. I would've used it as a teaching moment. I also would let my kid know that sometimes only a certain number of people are needed and it's not a commentary on him as much as it is logistics.

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lilyofcourse


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Maybe the questions this mom needs to be asking is why.



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FNW wrote:

I tell my boys that kids can be really mean. Best not to associate with them and just find someone nice to play with.

 We use this all the time with my SS.  We also use it as a reason on how important it is NOT to be the mean kid.



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TrudyML


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Well if she is confronting the Moms they told their child to stay away from the loon. She didn't help. She hurt the situation.

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Ohfour wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Well in her defense you do get tired of the meanness of some of these kids.

She didn't say they were being mean.  They just aren't including him. Quite possibly, because of her...

 I think it's probably a BFF situation and they wanted to do that stuff as their little group and no one else.  Why is that wrong?  If I want to have a sleepover with my two best friends, that does not mean I am being mean to the kid down the street because I didn't invite her.



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karl271


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Doesn't sound like the friendship was ended by the boys, but by the excluded guy. Being friends does not mean you have to do EVERYTHING together. I think this kid needs to get away from mom a bit and to wake up a bit to life. He is in High School, right? Thought kids were so much more mature now than when I and my friends were in High School.....

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Lindley


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For all we know she may be the only one upset about it because she wants her son to be friends with the cool kids. Her son may be just as happy with his own friends and don't care.

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karl271


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Good point

 



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huskerbb


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Lindley wrote:

For all we know she may be the only one upset about it because she wants her son to be friends with the cool kids. Her son may be just as happy with his own friends and don't care.

 It sounds like he is upset from the comment he allegedly made.  Maybe not as much as her, but it seems to have bothered him.  

 

I just dont see see the point of any "intervention".  She did that last year, and now he's no longer friends with those kids.  What is she going to accomplish this year?



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I think he feels excluded too but there's only so much you can do. You really cannot force other kids to play with yours. Especially when they reach high school.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I can't imagine a freshmen boy being OK with his mom butting in to that.

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huskerbb


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She made the situation worse the first time.

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flan327


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But I can understand going into "Mama Bear" mode. I don't agree with what she did, however.

flan

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