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ed11563


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DEAR ABBY: My brother is a recovering heroin addict. He stayed clean for almost a year until a few months ago, when he relapsed. He hasn't used again since his slip and continues to go to outpatient treatment.

My boyfriend, whom I recently moved in with, doesn't want him to come to the house. He says it's to protect "his nest," and I understand why. I have tried talking with him about it because I feel that I can't have any other family members over, but that doesn't seem to matter to him. My brother heard he isn't welcome and I feel absolutely terrible.

I'm not sure how to rectify the situation. If my boyfriend can't accept my family, how is this relationship supposed to last? But another part of me wonders if his feelings are justified, and perhaps I have been too accepting of all the mistakes and grief my brother has caused my family and me. -- SAD SISTER IN OHIO

 

DEAR SAD SISTER: If your brother has stolen from the family in order to feed his habit, your boyfriend has a valid point in not wanting him in the house. His reaction is intelligent. However, the ban should not extend to your entire family, and this is something you need to clarify. If your boyfriend's objective is to isolate you from all of your relatives, it's a red flag that shouldn't be ignored.



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Well i never understood moving in with the BF in the first place.

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ed11563


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Well i never understood moving in with the BF in the first place.

I understand moving in, I do NOT understand moving in, HAVING A BABY, and not getting married. 



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ed11563


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Let me personalize this.

At one point, my brother's 16 y.o. son was flying through New York on his way back from a trip to Israel he was given by an organization.

His background included stealing and using prescription and OTC drugs, and he'd overdosed (and might have died) a year earlier.

 

Part 1: Should I have let him stay in my house?

Part 2: He was traveling with NO MONEY at all. Should I have given him a little cash for emergencies? Maybe for a cab home from the airport if he needed it?

 

 



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If you've ever known an addict you would say no too. The potential for theft, being stuck supporting someone who can't get a job, and the stream of unsavory "friends" this brother may bring around is very unsettling. I couldn't live like that.

The brother isn't clean yet, his recent relapse proves that. The LW should not be imposing that on her BF.

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Lawyerlady


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I think Abby had it right. It's reasonable not to want the brother there, but why does that mean her other relatives are not welcome?

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Lawyerlady wrote:

I think Abby had it right. It's reasonable not to want the brother there, but why does that mean her other relatives are not welcome?

 Sorry, I can address only one point at a time. biggrin



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huskerbb


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

If you've ever known an addict you would say no too. The potential for theft, being stuck supporting someone who can't get a job, and the stream of unsavory "friends" this brother may bring around is very unsettling. I couldn't live like that.

The brother isn't clean yet, his recent relapse proves that. The LW should not be imposing that on her BF.

 It's difficult--but if he's clean, I dont think it should be a permanent ban.  Negotiate a time frame.  If he proves he can sTay sober for, say, a year--then he can start coming over.  If he relapses again, it goes back in effect.



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huskerbb wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

If you've ever known an addict you would say no too. The potential for theft, being stuck supporting someone who can't get a job, and the stream of unsavory "friends" this brother may bring around is very unsettling. I couldn't live like that.

The brother isn't clean yet, his recent relapse proves that. The LW should not be imposing that on her BF.

 It's difficult--but if he's clean, I dont think it should be a permanent ban.  Negotiate a time frame.  If he proves he can sTay sober for, say, a year--then he can start coming over.  If he relapses again, it goes back in effect.

 Uh oh!  I agree with Husker!



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Addicts tend to be thieves. However, I think that if someone is clean for a period of time, then I guess that is up to you if you want to have them over to your house. However, is the issue just the addict brother. It doesn't say that she can't have family over. It says that she "feels" like she can't since the brother isn't welcome. If it is only her brother and she is imagining the other things, then I would say that is her problem. And, maybe her BF has had bad experiences with addicts. She can go out for lunch with her brother or whatever. But, if you are going to live and make a life with someone you have to work out comprises that are acceptable to both. She needs to talk to him. Is he worried that he will steal? Is that the issue? Or, does he just not like or respect the brother and want nothing to do with him?

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Nobody Just Nobody


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It never said outright she couldn't have her family over. My guess, and this is JMO, is that she feels if she invites the rest of the family over she'll have to extend an invite to her brother too. And the b/f doesn't want that so she's not inviting anyone rather than deal with it.

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huskerbb


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Brother has to recognize his role in this, too. Maybe he does, or maybe not.

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

It never said outright she couldn't have her family over. My guess, and this is JMO, is that she feels if she invites the rest of the family over she'll have to extend an invite to her brother too. And the b/f doesn't want that so she's not inviting anyone rather than deal with it.




Well, that is more of her issue then. Her brother is an adult. You can invite other members of the family over without inviting him all the time.

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huskerbb wrote:

Brother has to recognize his role in this, too. Maybe he does, or maybe not.

 Absolutely.  And as the 12 step recovery program goes, you apologize sincerely on an individual basis to those you have wronged.  Then you spend a year clean and without trying to build other relationships, just work on yourself.  Brother has to know this and accept as does the LW.



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