DEAR ABBY: I caught my 12-year-old granddaughter stealing. She took one of my favorite hair products, which isn't a big deal, but I'm torn over how to approach her and if I should inform her parents. There was another possible theft once before when she visited me. Some makeup blush disappeared. I dismissed it, but now I have concerns.
How should I handle this? I love her unconditionally, but this needs to be addressed and I don't know how. I'm prepared that she might deny my accusation. Then what? -- ALARMED IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR ALARMED: Tell your granddaughter that you enjoy having her visit, but you noticed that several items had disappeared after she stayed with you. Ask her if she took them. Regardless of how she responds, tell her that if she wants to use something of yours, before she does, she should ask permission. If it happens after that, discuss it with her parents then.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
Chances are, at 12, she is wanting to use these big girl things but her parents are not letting her. So grandma's is the next best thing.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Meh. I don't know if I'd call it stealing. If you are over at grandmas house and get a soft drink out of the fridge or make yourself a sandwich--that's now "stealing"??? I don't buy it. Taking money out of her purse or her diamond earrings disappearing would be a different story.
However, she should have asked and grandma should address her about using and/or taking her things without permission if it's such a big deal. I dont get why people can't just handle crap.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Meh. I don't know if I'd call it stealing. If you are over at grandmas house and get a soft drink out of the fridge or make yourself a sandwich--that's now "stealing"??? I don't buy it. Taking money out of her purse or her diamond earrings disappearing would be a different story.
However, she should have asked and grandma should address her about using and/or taking her things without permission if it's such a big deal. I dont get why people can't just handle crap.
It's not a soda - it's Grandma's make-up and hair products, which depending on the brand, can cost a pretty penny. But besides that - one of the BASIC things you should teach children is not to take things that don't belong to them without asking.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Maybe start by calling up the family and asking them to check their bags to see if a bottle of such-and-such ended up in there when they packed as you can't find it at home. Maybe it's not there .... right now there is no proof!
Meh. I don't know if I'd call it stealing. If you are over at grandmas house and get a soft drink out of the fridge or make yourself a sandwich--that's now "stealing"??? I don't buy it. Taking money out of her purse or her diamond earrings disappearing would be a different story.
However, she should have asked and grandma should address her about using and/or taking her things without permission if it's such a big deal. I dont get why people can't just handle crap.
It's not a soda - it's Grandma's make-up and hair products, which depending on the brand, can cost a pretty penny. But besides that - one of the BASIC things you should teach children is not to take things that don't belong to them without asking.
They are both consumables. No basic difference. Again, if she wants to get bent about not asking permission--fine. Then do more about it than whine.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Um, you walk off with my makeup? That is theft. I would be pissed. My makeup and hair products are expensive. I wouldn't mind if she used them while visiting, but taking them home with her? No. If you like them, tell me and maybe I will buy you your own as a gift.
Meh. I don't know if I'd call it stealing. If you are over at grandmas house and get a soft drink out of the fridge or make yourself a sandwich--that's now "stealing"??? I don't buy it. Taking money out of her purse or her diamond earrings disappearing would be a different story.
However, she should have asked and grandma should address her about using and/or taking her things without permission if it's such a big deal. I dont get why people can't just handle crap.
It's not a soda - it's Grandma's make-up and hair products, which depending on the brand, can cost a pretty penny. But besides that - one of the BASIC things you should teach children is not to take things that don't belong to them without asking.
They are both consumables. No basic difference. Again, if she wants to get bent about not asking permission--fine. Then do more about it than whine.
There is a difference.
It's one thing, to use a dollop of Grandma's hair gel, or try on her blush, when you visit.
It's another thing, to put the bottle or compact in your purse, and make off with it, without asking.
And yes, Grandma should just ask her about it, rather than write in for advice.
Meh. I don't know if I'd call it stealing. If you are over at grandmas house and get a soft drink out of the fridge or make yourself a sandwich--that's now "stealing"??? I don't buy it. Taking money out of her purse or her diamond earrings disappearing would be a different story.
However, she should have asked and grandma should address her about using and/or taking her things without permission if it's such a big deal. I dont get why people can't just handle crap.
It's not a soda - it's Grandma's make-up and hair products, which depending on the brand, can cost a pretty penny. But besides that - one of the BASIC things you should teach children is not to take things that don't belong to them without asking.
They are both consumables. No basic difference. Again, if she wants to get bent about not asking permission--fine. Then do more about it than whine.
TAKING without asking is STEALING. She didn't USE it - she TOOK it.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Um, you walk off with my makeup? That is theft. I would be pissed. My makeup and hair products are expensive. I wouldn't mind if she used them while visiting, but taking them home with her? No. If you like them, tell me and maybe I will buy you your own as a gift.
I agree with this. Never in a million years would I have taken my grandmother's makeup home with me. Tried it on while visiting sure.
Um, you walk off with my makeup? That is theft. I would be pissed. My makeup and hair products are expensive. I wouldn't mind if she used them while visiting, but taking them home with her? No. If you like them, tell me and maybe I will buy you your own as a gift.
I agree with this. Never in a million years would I have taken my grandmother's makeup home with me. Tried it on while visiting sure.
Well aren't you "stealing" it by trying it on and using it as well?
My products often wind up in DD's room or bathroom. I dont' consider that "stealing". If I don't want her to use something of mine, then I will tell her or buy her some for her. It doesn't even sound like OverReactive Grandma has even said "Hey, Susie, I understand you like some of my products, but I really do not want you to use them without my permission". Is that really that difficult to say. Then, say' Oh Susie, let's do a makeover together and we can see what you like and maybe I will know what to get you for Christmas".
""She took one of my favorite hair products, which isn't a big deal, but I'm torn over how to approach her and if I should inform her parents. There was another possible theft once before when she visited me. Some makeup blush disappeared. I dismissed it, but now I have concerns.""
Um, yeah Gram, it is a BIG DEAL to you, which is fine but so stop with the phony pretense. And, you have "concerns". Like what? Like this is the immediate step before a Life of Crime? I mean, sorry but this is overly dramatic baloney. So, go and TELL her. Then if stuff keeps disappearing and you know it is her and not that you just misplaced crap, then fine, then you can be concerned.
Meh. I don't know if I'd call it stealing. If you are over at grandmas house and get a soft drink out of the fridge or make yourself a sandwich--that's now "stealing"??? I don't buy it. Taking money out of her purse or her diamond earrings disappearing would be a different story.
However, she should have asked and grandma should address her about using and/or taking her things without permission if it's such a big deal. I dont get why people can't just handle crap.
It's not a soda - it's Grandma's make-up and hair products, which depending on the brand, can cost a pretty penny. But besides that - one of the BASIC things you should teach children is not to take things that don't belong to them without asking.
They are both consumables. No basic difference. Again, if she wants to get bent about not asking permission--fine. Then do more about it than whine.
TAKING without asking is STEALING. She didn't USE it - she TOOK it.
You would "take" a soda or a bowl of ice cream, too.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I think you need to look at intent and mindset here. Depends on the relationship. My kids had a very close, loving relationship with my mom. I don't think they would have viewed bringing something like that home as "stealing" because it would be just like home to them. We share and share alike the things in the home. So, that is kind of our way. However, if grandma doesn't like that and finds that unacceptable, then she just needs to make that clear and there is nothing wrong with grandma speaking up to say so. I think borrowing some makeup is quite a bit different than scarfing a $20 bill out of her wallet. DD will help herself to my bathroom things. But, she would not take money out of my purse, etc without telling me nor would my sons.
I think you need to look at intent and mindset here. Depends on the relationship. My kids had a very close, loving relationship with my mom. I don't think they would have viewed bringing something like that home as "stealing" because it would be just like home to them. We share and share alike the things in the home. So, that is kind of our way. However, if grandma doesn't like that and finds that unacceptable, then she just needs to make that clear and there is nothing wrong with grandma speaking up to say so. I think borrowing some makeup is quite a bit different than scarfing a $20 bill out of her wallet. DD will help herself to my bathroom things. But, she would not take money out of my purse, etc without telling me nor would my sons.
Yeah.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Meh. I don't know if I'd call it stealing. If you are over at grandmas house and get a soft drink out of the fridge or make yourself a sandwich--that's now "stealing"??? I don't buy it. Taking money out of her purse or her diamond earrings disappearing would be a different story.
However, she should have asked and grandma should address her about using and/or taking her things without permission if it's such a big deal. I dont get why people can't just handle crap.
It's not a soda - it's Grandma's make-up and hair products, which depending on the brand, can cost a pretty penny. But besides that - one of the BASIC things you should teach children is not to take things that don't belong to them without asking.
They are both consumables. No basic difference. Again, if she wants to get bent about not asking permission--fine. Then do more about it than whine.
TAKING without asking is STEALING. She didn't USE it - she TOOK it.
You would "take" a soda or a bowl of ice cream, too.
Not without first being taught that's ok. Nobody walks into my house and goes into my fridge unless I've made a "help yourself" attitude clear.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Meh. I don't know if I'd call it stealing. If you are over at grandmas house and get a soft drink out of the fridge or make yourself a sandwich--that's now "stealing"??? I don't buy it. Taking money out of her purse or her diamond earrings disappearing would be a different story.
However, she should have asked and grandma should address her about using and/or taking her things without permission if it's such a big deal. I dont get why people can't just handle crap.
It's not a soda - it's Grandma's make-up and hair products, which depending on the brand, can cost a pretty penny. But besides that - one of the BASIC things you should teach children is not to take things that don't belong to them without asking.
They are both consumables. No basic difference. Again, if she wants to get bent about not asking permission--fine. Then do more about it than whine.
TAKING without asking is STEALING. She didn't USE it - she TOOK it.
You would "take" a soda or a bowl of ice cream, too.
Not without first being taught that's ok. Nobody walks into my house and goes into my fridge unless I've made a "help yourself" attitude clear.
Wow. Your grandchild taking a soda out of the fridge is stealing? They'll love to come see you--not.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
My telling kids they can help themselves to a soda does NOT equate to "you can also help youself to my make-up, toiletries and whatever else you want". That's just a flat out DUMB comparison.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Yeah, I've got Too Faced Eyeshadow that cost $50. Calvin Klein liquid eyeliner that was over $30. Stila lipgloss set that was expensive. I could go on, but taking that home with you would be worse than taking $20 from my purse. I would rather give you money, than have to go to Ulta to replace it.
My telling kids they can help themselves to a soda does NOT equate to "you can also help youself to my make-up, toiletries and whatever else you want". That's just a flat out DUMB comparison.
No--but saying that one is stealing and the other is Not is dumber.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
My telling kids they can help themselves to a soda does NOT equate to "you can also help youself to my make-up, toiletries and whatever else you want". That's just a flat out DUMB comparison.
No--but saying that one is stealing and the other is Not is dumber.
Being a guest in my home means I'm going to feed and water you - and usually tell you to help yourself. That means help yourself to REFRESHMENTS, not help yourself to my personal belongings.
You are just arguing to be contrary.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I can relate a similar story. When I was a preteen, I had my out of state cousin come stay for a couple of weeks during summer break. One of my best friends, who lived 2 doors down had a grandma who worked in the makeup department at Macy's. She gave her a bunch of expensive makeup that was overstocked, out of date, whatever... and my friend gave me a couple of the eyeshadow's and blushes. I believe it was Lancôme. A couple of days later, those items came up missing from my bedroom. I was pretty upset and suspected my cousin as she was being somewhat jerky to me. When my cousin and my older sister went off to the beach the next day, I checked her suitcase and lo and behold... I found my makeup. I confronted her about it when they returned home, and guess what?? I was the A-hole. I planted it on her. My parents called her parents and they came and got her that day... and I was the bad guy! lol. I will never forget that and that changed our relationship for ever.
My telling kids they can help themselves to a soda does NOT equate to "you can also help youself to my make-up, toiletries and whatever else you want". That's just a flat out DUMB comparison.
No--but saying that one is stealing and the other is Not is dumber.
Being a guest in my home means I'm going to feed and water you - and usually tell you to help yourself. That means help yourself to REFRESHMENTS, not help yourself to my personal belongings.
You are just arguing to be contrary.
Ah. I don't see grandchildren as "guests". They are my family, not some casual acquaintance.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
My telling kids they can help themselves to a soda does NOT equate to "you can also help youself to my make-up, toiletries and whatever else you want". That's just a flat out DUMB comparison.
No--but saying that one is stealing and the other is Not is dumber.
Being a guest in my home means I'm going to feed and water you - and usually tell you to help yourself. That means help yourself to REFRESHMENTS, not help yourself to my personal belongings.
You are just arguing to be contrary.
Ah. I don't see grandchildren as "guests". They are my family, not some casual acquaintance.
Yes, maybe that is the difference. I certainly wouldn't care if my dd used my $50 makeup. But, whatever.
My telling kids they can help themselves to a soda does NOT equate to "you can also help youself to my make-up, toiletries and whatever else you want". That's just a flat out DUMB comparison.
No--but saying that one is stealing and the other is Not is dumber.
Being a guest in my home means I'm going to feed and water you - and usually tell you to help yourself. That means help yourself to REFRESHMENTS, not help yourself to my personal belongings.
You are just arguing to be contrary.
Ah. I don't see grandchildren as "guests". They are my family, not some casual acquaintance.
Yes, maybe that is the difference. I certainly wouldn't care if my dd used my $50 makeup. But, whatever.
I don't have a problem if they USE it either. Just don't take it home! Sheesh.
My telling kids they can help themselves to a soda does NOT equate to "you can also help youself to my make-up, toiletries and whatever else you want". That's just a flat out DUMB comparison.
No--but saying that one is stealing and the other is Not is dumber.
Being a guest in my home means I'm going to feed and water you - and usually tell you to help yourself. That means help yourself to REFRESHMENTS, not help yourself to my personal belongings.
You are just arguing to be contrary.
Ah. I don't see grandchildren as "guests". They are my family, not some casual acquaintance.
Yes, maybe that is the difference. I certainly wouldn't care if my dd used my $50 makeup. But, whatever.
I don't have a problem if they USE it either. Just don't take it home! Sheesh.
Are people incapable of understanding the difference? I mean, really. It's ridiculous.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
My telling kids they can help themselves to a soda does NOT equate to "you can also help youself to my make-up, toiletries and whatever else you want". That's just a flat out DUMB comparison.
No--but saying that one is stealing and the other is Not is dumber.
Being a guest in my home means I'm going to feed and water you - and usually tell you to help yourself. That means help yourself to REFRESHMENTS, not help yourself to my personal belongings.
You are just arguing to be contrary.
Ah. I don't see grandchildren as "guests". They are my family, not some casual acquaintance.
Well, I don't have any, yet. And my children don't drink soda. So, your comparison is invalid.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I have received a lot of makeup as gifts, because when people ask me what I want for Christmas/Birthday's I tell them exactly what makeup I want because I don't like paying for it myself. Or they get me giftcards for Ulta and I buy it myself. A can of coke from my fridge is not a gift. I buy it every week and have no problem if someone drinks it. ugh. lol!
Yes, they are. If my hypothetical grandchild wanted to play dress up using my hypothetical make up. No problem. But you can't take it home. And if you DO want it let me know. Maybe we can buy you some. I'd be pizzed if I went to use my hair products or make up and they were gone.
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“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!” ― Maya Angelou
My telling kids they can help themselves to a soda does NOT equate to "you can also help youself to my make-up, toiletries and whatever else you want". That's just a flat out DUMB comparison.
No--but saying that one is stealing and the other is Not is dumber.
Being a guest in my home means I'm going to feed and water you - and usually tell you to help yourself. That means help yourself to REFRESHMENTS, not help yourself to my personal belongings.
You are just arguing to be contrary.
Ah. I don't see grandchildren as "guests". They are my family, not some casual acquaintance.
Well, I don't have any, yet. And my children don't drink soda. So, your comparison is invalid.
I know you don't. I'm talking in the future. Replace soda with an orange juice if you want to.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
My telling kids they can help themselves to a soda does NOT equate to "you can also help youself to my make-up, toiletries and whatever else you want". That's just a flat out DUMB comparison.
No--but saying that one is stealing and the other is Not is dumber.
Being a guest in my home means I'm going to feed and water you - and usually tell you to help yourself. That means help yourself to REFRESHMENTS, not help yourself to my personal belongings.
You are just arguing to be contrary.
Ah. I don't see grandchildren as "guests". They are my family, not some casual acquaintance.
Yes, maybe that is the difference. I certainly wouldn't care if my dd used my $50 makeup. But, whatever.
I don't have a problem if they USE it either. Just don't take it home! Sheesh.
Are people incapable of understanding the difference? I mean, really. It's ridiculous.
So.... They should "use" the soda and then give it back?
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Yes, they are. If my hypothetical grandchild wanted to play dress up using my hypothetical make up. No problem. But you can't take it home. And if you DO want it let me know. Maybe we can buy you some. I'd be pizzed if I went to use my hair products or make up and they were gone.
Actually, neither my kids or my grandkids are playing with my make-up. That's unsanitary. Now, if they want some to play with - I will buy them their own. Both my kids have their own "play" make-up that they are not allowed to wear out of the house.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Um, you walk off with my makeup? That is theft. I would be pissed. My makeup and hair products are expensive. I wouldn't mind if she used them while visiting, but taking them home with her? No. If you like them, tell me and maybe I will buy you your own as a gift.
Ditto.
I wouldbe pizzed off if I ddnt have my makeup when I need it...or my hair stuff.
Yes, they are. If my hypothetical grandchild wanted to play dress up using my hypothetical make up. No problem. But you can't take it home. And if you DO want it let me know. Maybe we can buy you some. I'd be pizzed if I went to use my hair products or make up and they were gone.
Actually, neither my kids or my grandkids are playing with my make-up. That's unsanitary. Now, if they want some to play with - I will buy them their own. Both my kids have their own "play" make-up that they are not allowed to wear out of the house.
First food is a whole different category. You are welcome to come to my house and get a soda. You are not welcome to come to my house and get a soda and help yourself to everything else in the pantry.
Next, make up and hair products are personal items. You are welcome to come help yourself to my personal items no matter who you are. You can ask to use them. Doesn't mean I have to let you.
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“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!” ― Maya Angelou
Um, you walk off with my makeup? That is theft. I would be pissed. My makeup and hair products are expensive. I wouldn't mind if she used them while visiting, but taking them home with her? No. If you like them, tell me and maybe I will buy you your own as a gift.
Ditto.
I wouldbe pizzed off if I ddnt have my makeup when I need it...or my hair stuff.