Reader Married to A Troubled Dude writes,
My husband started regularly smoking pot about ten years ago. At the time I was angry and let him know it repeatedly. The pot changes who he is. He becomes lazy and talks non-stop about the most ridiculous, trivial things. He falls asleep constantly. He promised to stop which never happened. Then he promised to cut down. Again, this never happened. Eventually I gave up trying to get him to stop/cut down and learned to live with his pot smoking.
Now we have two kids ages 5 and 16 months. My husband still smokes pot, more than ever now. When he gets home from work he kisses us hello and then disappears into the bathroom for half an hour to smoke. When he's done, the entire apartment smells like pot and my husband is now basically useless for the rest of the evening. He gets tired and falls asleep or reads on his phone. He becomes easily distracted and will forget what he's doing in the middle of doing it.
I'm a stay at home mom and by the time he gets home I'm often ready for a break, a few minutes to myself to regroup. Him disappearing right after he gets home is the worst. When he's home he will smoke several times throughout the day, each time spending twenty minutes or more in the bathroom.
The other issue is that he now also smokes cigarettes. It's been going on for at least the last two years that I know of. He never smokes in front of me or the kids, only when he's away from us at work. When I discovered he was doing it I confronted him and he said he would stop. He hasn't. At all. I'm not sure how much he smokes but I can smell it on his breath and clothes when he comes home.
I don't understand why he does it and why he hasn't tried to quit. I've offered to help him however I can but he always drops the subject. I get very emotional about the cigarettes because both my parents smoked my entire life and we lost my dad to cancer because of it. My mother always sounds like she's hacking up a lung and I have no doubt her smoking will catch up to her as well. My husband was there when we lost my dad. He saw how my dad suffered and the pain his death caused me and my mom.
I hate cigarettes and I hate that he smokes them. We have two beautiful children and it makes me so angry that he is knowingly doing something that could take him from them or could make them sick. When I've told all these things he says he's ashamed and knows that it's wrong and promises to stop but he's still at it with no apparent plans to stop.
Besides the health implications of his smoking both pot and cigarettes, the financial burden makes me angry as well. Recently he said we didn't have money for me to buy our kids winter coats and I'd have to wait until he gets paid. Meanwhile, he told me he spends $300 a month on pot (I'm sure it's probably more and he was trying to make it not look as bad as it is) and cigarettes are about $13 a pack and I'm pretty sure he smokes several packs a week. That's a lot of money for us!
I'm just not sure what, if anything, I can do to get him to stop. He knows my feelings about both issues and it hasn't been enough of a motivation for him. I've offered to help and he's refused. Is it time to just accept these habits as a part of who he is? Every time I let myself think about this I get very upset with him. I feel so disappointed in him. He's a good and smart man and I just don't understand why he does these things. I love him and I don't want anything to happen to him. What can I do?
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.
