TOTALLY GEEKED!

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

RE: The Unparented Child

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Yeah. It seems a lot of time people like to wallow and they don't really realize they are doing it.

The Breakfast Club comes to mind.

They all thought they had it so bad. But only one was actually abused.

Claire Standish says "my home life is unsatisfying".

She wanted to run away from home because it was "unsatisfying".

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
That's not what you said. You have never once said you addressed the problem before telling them to grow the fvck up. If you had said that then my answers would have been 180 different. But again, you never said you address the problem.

I have often told people to shut up. I don't tell them to grow the fvck up because I think that's beyond extremely rude. But I have told people who whine to me about their problems to shut up. I don't want to hear it if you're unwilling to address the problem. In fact, I've often been called out by other posters because I have taken that attitude. Fix it or stop whining. But I always start with, You have a problem you need to address.

You are not familiar with our way of doing things or of being friends. Everyone talks a lot, until someone finally says grow the f up.

And you know what? That is exactly what a counselor does too, only without the f word.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I've never had a counselor tell me to grow the f up. Not even in other words. And I didn't wallow. It's a process you go through to reclaim your life and to heal. To tell someone to grow the f up is just stupid and hateful.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Speaking words of wisdom:

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

A family is supposed to make your life miserable? Have fun with that.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Meaning you worry about them. Sacrifice for them. Put up with them.

But mostly, you just love them.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

Yeah, we do tolerate a lot from family members. Especially when you are confident they really do love you and want what is best for you.

And yes, the slap up the back of the head when they are being stupid does work. Well...mostly.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
just Czech wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I absolutely agree a friend can give you a kick in the butt. But a kick in the butt is not grow the fvck up and get over. You don't need counseling, you need to shut up and stop whining. There's nothing wrong with counseling as long as it's doing what it's supposed to do. A true friend would say, I see you really struggle with these issues. You need to see someone who can help you sort them out.
NJN, this may be a cultural difference. In my neck of the woods and friend would tell me to grow the fvck up and get over it.
We are a very self reliant bunch out here.
Here, if you told someone that you wouldn't have a friend anymore.
It's a difficult concept to understand if you haven't lived through it. Being told to grow the fvck up and get over it does nothing to help the person. We don't know HOW to do that. We don't even realize there IS a problem.

There are 2 sides of that coin and degree. If you would dump a friend for telling you the truth in love, then i think that is a problem. A real friend is not going to just stand by and let their friend go down the rabbit hole and pretend everything is fine. On the other hand, being unsympathetic and shaming someone who is going thru a difficult time isn't necessarily helpful either. As i said before, compassion is a 2 pronged approach. You need nurturing for a time, but also then need to Get Up and do the hard work of helping yourself. That period of nuturing is to give you the strength to then be able to get up and do just that.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

chef wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

The worst part of it was the verbal slaying that went with it. You're fat, you're ugly, you're going to turn out to be nothing, no one will ever love you or marry you, you're dumb. If you tell a child they are those things long enough they most definitely turn into those things.

I didn't "change" on my own. I didn't "grow up" on my own. Facing a failing marriage and unsteady of the future for my kids I turned to a support group. The lady was my mentor and my friend. She pushed me to get therapy. Without her my life would have been so different. And believe it or not when I got to therapy I had to have four sessions before I was even convinced that not all mothers treated their kids like that. Yes, I am different now. I'm sure there will be a few here that say I am crying victim. I am not. I got therapy. I am a new person. I don't carry that baggage anymore. But it was a long road and one started by someone who cared enough about me to tell me to get help. I silently thank her every day.
The bolded is what FIL did to DH.
I wish he would find someone like you did to tell him he is a worthy person. He sure doesn't listen when I tell him.

Just keep telling him. One day he will listen.

DH was convinced that he was old, fat & ugly because his ex spent 22 years telling him that.

flan

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
A family is supposed to make your life miserable? Have fun with that.

Seriously?!

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:
chef wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

The worst part of it was the verbal slaying that went with it. You're fat, you're ugly, you're going to turn out to be nothing, no one will ever love you or marry you, you're dumb. If you tell a child they are those things long enough they most definitely turn into those things.

I didn't "change" on my own. I didn't "grow up" on my own. Facing a failing marriage and unsteady of the future for my kids I turned to a support group. The lady was my mentor and my friend. She pushed me to get therapy. Without her my life would have been so different. And believe it or not when I got to therapy I had to have four sessions before I was even convinced that not all mothers treated their kids like that. Yes, I am different now. I'm sure there will be a few here that say I am crying victim. I am not. I got therapy. I am a new person. I don't carry that baggage anymore. But it was a long road and one started by someone who cared enough about me to tell me to get help. I silently thank her every day.
The bolded is what FIL did to DH.
I wish he would find someone like you did to tell him he is a worthy person. He sure doesn't listen when I tell him.
Just keep telling him. One day he will listen.
DH was convinced that he was old, fat & ugly because his ex spent 22 years telling him that.
flan

You can tell people and of course we should encourage people. But you cannot talk another person into happiness. We cannot talk another person out of depression. That is something the individual must work on themselves. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. You are not nor cannot be responsible for another person's happiness.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
A family is supposed to make your life miserable? Have fun with that.
Seriously?!
flan

I know what she means. You are going to have conflicts with family at time. Oh well. That's part of life. Embrace it.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
A family is supposed to make your life miserable? Have fun with that.
Seriously?!
flan
I know what she means. You are going to have conflicts with family at time. Oh well. That's part of life. Embrace it.

That's not the way I read it, though.

flan

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:
chef wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

The worst part of it was the verbal slaying that went with it. You're fat, you're ugly, you're going to turn out to be nothing, no one will ever love you or marry you, you're dumb. If you tell a child they are those things long enough they most definitely turn into those things.

I didn't "change" on my own. I didn't "grow up" on my own. Facing a failing marriage and unsteady of the future for my kids I turned to a support group. The lady was my mentor and my friend. She pushed me to get therapy. Without her my life would have been so different. And believe it or not when I got to therapy I had to have four sessions before I was even convinced that not all mothers treated their kids like that. Yes, I am different now. I'm sure there will be a few here that say I am crying victim. I am not. I got therapy. I am a new person. I don't carry that baggage anymore. But it was a long road and one started by someone who cared enough about me to tell me to get help. I silently thank her every day.
The bolded is what FIL did to DH.
I wish he would find someone like you did to tell him he is a worthy person. He sure doesn't listen when I tell him.
Just keep telling him. One day he will listen.
DH was convinced that he was old, fat & ugly because his ex spent 22 years telling him that.
flan
You can tell people and of course we should encourage people. But you cannot talk another person into happiness. We cannot talk another person out of depression. That is something the individual must work on themselves. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. You are not nor cannot be responsible for another person's happiness.

Of course not, but words are very powerful.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
A family is supposed to make your life miserable? Have fun with that.
Seriously?!
flan
I know what she means. You are going to have conflicts with family at time. Oh well. That's part of life. Embrace it.
That's not the way I read it, though.
flan

Maybe you're reading it wrong.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:
chef wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

The worst part of it was the verbal slaying that went with it. You're fat, you're ugly, you're going to turn out to be nothing, no one will ever love you or marry you, you're dumb. If you tell a child they are those things long enough they most definitely turn into those things.

I didn't "change" on my own. I didn't "grow up" on my own. Facing a failing marriage and unsteady of the future for my kids I turned to a support group. The lady was my mentor and my friend. She pushed me to get therapy. Without her my life would have been so different. And believe it or not when I got to therapy I had to have four sessions before I was even convinced that not all mothers treated their kids like that. Yes, I am different now. I'm sure there will be a few here that say I am crying victim. I am not. I got therapy. I am a new person. I don't carry that baggage anymore. But it was a long road and one started by someone who cared enough about me to tell me to get help. I silently thank her every day.
The bolded is what FIL did to DH.
I wish he would find someone like you did to tell him he is a worthy person. He sure doesn't listen when I tell him.
Just keep telling him. One day he will listen.
DH was convinced that he was old, fat & ugly because his ex spent 22 years telling him that.
flan
You can tell people and of course we should encourage people. But you cannot talk another person into happiness. We cannot talk another person out of depression. That is something the individual must work on themselves. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. You are not nor cannot be responsible for another person's happiness.
Of course not, but words are very powerful.
flan

I agree. And, you are responsible for your words. However, you are also responsible for your own happiness. Nobody else can make you happy. That is entirely on you.