DEAR ABBY: My brother, my only sibling, hasn't contacted me in 14 years. I have tried to figure out why. I wasn't mean to him, and we didn't fight. My cousin told me it's because I called him incessantly years ago. I don't recall having done such a thing.
I really miss and care about him. I live in a group home and wonder if he's ashamed of me. He has accomplished more job-wise than I have.
I want to move on with my life, but I continue to fixate on why he seems to hate me. I could use your opinion. What advice do you have for me? -- HIS SISTER IN MARYLAND
DEAR SISTER: What a sad situation. Not knowing your brother, I can't guess his reason for distancing himself. That's why I'm advising you to write him a letter. Tell him how you feel, that you miss and care about him and would like to know why he hasn't contacted you during all this time.
He may or may not respond. But if he doesn't, please understand that his silence has less to do with you or your living situation than it does about him and his inability to empathize. You have every right to live your life as fully and enjoyably as possible, and whatever happens, I hope you will do that.
Dear sister. Face reality. He doesn't Care about you. Sorry, that is a harsh truth and reality. There are lots of people in the world who don't give a schit about anybody but themselves. Your brother is most likely one of those people. THat's sucks but that is the harsh truth and reality. Which means you need to move past the fantasy of the family you never had and will never have.
Go ahead and make contact and see where it leads. But brace yourself to the reality that it most likely isn't going to change.
Dear sister. Face reality. He doesn't Care about you. Sorry, that is a harsh truth and reality. There are lots of people in the world who don't give a schit about anybody but themselves. Your brother is most likely one of those people. THat's sucks but that is the harsh truth and reality. Which means you need to move past the fantasy of the family you never had and will never have. Go ahead and make contact and see where it leads. But brace yourself to the reality that it most likely isn't going to change.
Or, he might think that SHE is mad at HIM for some reason.
Why is she in a group home? That information might help.
__________________
The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
I would like to know what type of group home it is. There are group homes for those with mental disabilities, group homes for addiction, and group homes for those released from prison.
__________________
Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
I would like to know what type of group home it is. There are group homes for those with mental disabilities, group homes for addiction, and group homes for those released from prison.
Yeah, there is likely more to this story. She may have burned the bridges much more than she is willing to admit.
We don't know why she is in the group home, but from her letter, she doesn't sound mentally disabled. It's hard to imagine that her brother would have completely cut her off due to some mental or physical disability.
My bet is that she was an addict. He probably watched her drift in and out of rehabs most of her life, take advantage of and possibly even steal from their parents or even him--and he's tired of it. Addicts only rarely, and usually only after they've had some "come to Jesus" moment, admit their part in all of this.
Again, we don't know and that is all speculation, of course, but I feel confident that even if I don't have the exact scenario correct, there is much more to the story than she put in the letter.
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
See, I thought it probably WAS for mental disability because of the OP. The OP "hasn't accomplished much job wise" and may have called the brother incessantly before. It also seems to be written in rather simple language. And the OP talks about the brother in absolutes - he hates the OP, they didn't fight. The OP doesn't seem to understand the shades of gray, KWIM? You don't have to have a fight or be mean to someone for them to not want to be around you. But the OP doesn't get that. It sounds like a cognitive disability to me.
Again, that's all speculation. But I would think someone with an addiction or out of prison would have stated as much. The OP seems to know that he/she is different but really isn't aware of HOW different.
__________________
Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
So the phone lines, postal service and Internet only works one way?
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Yes but i think the brother should have some understanding of that
Yes he should. But some people suck. He might not be able to deal with it. He might be resentful of the time and attention the OP got from their parents. He might just be a terrible person.
__________________
Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
Sounds like a mental disability to me. Honestly. This sounds like my son. He can write a letter just like this. He often doesn't understand the feelings of others. Not out of meanness but out of ignorance due to his disability. He honestly doesn't understand sometimes that he had annoyed people or worn out his welcome or however you want to phrase it.
__________________
“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!” ― Maya Angelou
I would like to know what type of group home it is. There are group homes for those with mental disabilities, group homes for addiction, and group homes for those released from prison.
Yeah, there is likely more to this story. She may have burned the bridges much more than she is willing to admit.
We don't know why she is in the group home, but from her letter, she doesn't sound mentally disabled. It's hard to imagine that her brother would have completely cut her off due to some mental or physical disability.
My bet is that she was an addict. He probably watched her drift in and out of rehabs most of her life, take advantage of and possibly even steal from their parents or even him--and he's tired of it. Addicts only rarely, and usually only after they've had some "come to Jesus" moment, admit their part in all of this.
Again, we don't know and that is all speculation, of course, but I feel confident that even if I don't have the exact scenario correct, there is much more to the story than she put in the letter.
What does a letter from a mentally disabled person sound like?
I would like to know what type of group home it is. There are group homes for those with mental disabilities, group homes for addiction, and group homes for those released from prison.
Yeah, there is likely more to this story. She may have burned the bridges much more than she is willing to admit.
We don't know why she is in the group home, but from her letter, she doesn't sound mentally disabled. It's hard to imagine that her brother would have completely cut her off due to some mental or physical disability.
My bet is that she was an addict. He probably watched her drift in and out of rehabs most of her life, take advantage of and possibly even steal from their parents or even him--and he's tired of it. Addicts only rarely, and usually only after they've had some "come to Jesus" moment, admit their part in all of this.
Again, we don't know and that is all speculation, of course, but I feel confident that even if I don't have the exact scenario correct, there is much more to the story than she put in the letter.
What does a letter from a mentally disabled person sound like?
Ahhh, disjointed.
I know, I live with one.
__________________
I drink coffee so I don't kill you.
I quilt so I don't kill you.
Do you see a theme?
Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I would like to know what type of group home it is. There are group homes for those with mental disabilities, group homes for addiction, and group homes for those released from prison.
Yeah, there is likely more to this story. She may have burned the bridges much more than she is willing to admit.
We don't know why she is in the group home, but from her letter, she doesn't sound mentally disabled. It's hard to imagine that her brother would have completely cut her off due to some mental or physical disability.
My bet is that she was an addict. He probably watched her drift in and out of rehabs most of her life, take advantage of and possibly even steal from their parents or even him--and he's tired of it. Addicts only rarely, and usually only after they've had some "come to Jesus" moment, admit their part in all of this.
Again, we don't know and that is all speculation, of course, but I feel confident that even if I don't have the exact scenario correct, there is much more to the story than she put in the letter.
What does a letter from a mentally disabled person sound like?
Ahhh, disjointed.
I know, I live with one.
Not necessarily. There are all kinds of mental illness/disability, not just like the one you live with.
Disjointed would fall more into the realm of mental illness, not mental disability. The letter sounds like it was written by a child.
Furthermore, these people tend to have very poor judgement and insight. They think it's perfectly reasonable to call someone 100 times a day. Then they're surprised when people avoid them.
Her friend says she called her brother incessantly years ago, but she doesn't remember it. I'm voting she's an addict, too, and he has just learned to live without her.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I would like to know what type of group home it is. There are group homes for those with mental disabilities, group homes for addiction, and group homes for those released from prison.
Yeah, there is likely more to this story. She may have burned the bridges much more than she is willing to admit.
We don't know why she is in the group home, but from her letter, she doesn't sound mentally disabled. It's hard to imagine that her brother would have completely cut her off due to some mental or physical disability.
My bet is that she was an addict. He probably watched her drift in and out of rehabs most of her life, take advantage of and possibly even steal from their parents or even him--and he's tired of it. Addicts only rarely, and usually only after they've had some "come to Jesus" moment, admit their part in all of this.
Again, we don't know and that is all speculation, of course, but I feel confident that even if I don't have the exact scenario correct, there is much more to the story than she put in the letter.
What does a letter from a mentally disabled person sound like?
Ahhh, disjointed.
I know, I live with one.
Not necessarily. There are all kinds of mental illness/disability, not just like the one you live with.
Disjointed would fall more into the realm of mental illness, not mental disability. The letter sounds like it was written by a child.
Furthermore, these people tend to have very poor judgement and insight. They think it's perfectly reasonable to call someone 100 times a day. Then they're surprised when people avoid them.
Apparently you do not live with someone mentally disabled. Yeah, she's disjointed in speaking and writing.
__________________
I drink coffee so I don't kill you.
I quilt so I don't kill you.
Do you see a theme?
Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
Her friend says she called her brother incessantly years ago, but she doesn't remember it. I'm voting she's an addict, too, and he has just learned to live without her.
This would be my guess as well.
__________________
I drink coffee so I don't kill you.
I quilt so I don't kill you.
Do you see a theme?
Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
I would like to know what type of group home it is. There are group homes for those with mental disabilities, group homes for addiction, and group homes for those released from prison.
Yeah, there is likely more to this story. She may have burned the bridges much more than she is willing to admit.
We don't know why she is in the group home, but from her letter, she doesn't sound mentally disabled. It's hard to imagine that her brother would have completely cut her off due to some mental or physical disability.
My bet is that she was an addict. He probably watched her drift in and out of rehabs most of her life, take advantage of and possibly even steal from their parents or even him--and he's tired of it. Addicts only rarely, and usually only after they've had some "come to Jesus" moment, admit their part in all of this.
Again, we don't know and that is all speculation, of course, but I feel confident that even if I don't have the exact scenario correct, there is much more to the story than she put in the letter.
What does a letter from a mentally disabled person sound like?
Ahhh, disjointed.
I know, I live with one.
Not necessarily. There are all kinds of mental illness/disability, not just like the one you live with.
Disjointed would fall more into the realm of mental illness, not mental disability. The letter sounds like it was written by a child.
Furthermore, these people tend to have very poor judgement and insight. They think it's perfectly reasonable to call someone 100 times a day. Then they're surprised when people avoid them.
You just described my son to a T.
__________________
“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!” ― Maya Angelou
I would like to know what type of group home it is. There are group homes for those with mental disabilities, group homes for addiction, and group homes for those released from prison.
Yeah, there is likely more to this story. She may have burned the bridges much more than she is willing to admit.
We don't know why she is in the group home, but from her letter, she doesn't sound mentally disabled. It's hard to imagine that her brother would have completely cut her off due to some mental or physical disability.
My bet is that she was an addict. He probably watched her drift in and out of rehabs most of her life, take advantage of and possibly even steal from their parents or even him--and he's tired of it. Addicts only rarely, and usually only after they've had some "come to Jesus" moment, admit their part in all of this.
Again, we don't know and that is all speculation, of course, but I feel confident that even if I don't have the exact scenario correct, there is much more to the story than she put in the letter.
What does a letter from a mentally disabled person sound like?
Ahhh, disjointed.
I know, I live with one.
Not necessarily. There are all kinds of mental illness/disability, not just like the one you live with.
Disjointed would fall more into the realm of mental illness, not mental disability. The letter sounds like it was written by a child.
Furthermore, these people tend to have very poor judgement and insight. They think it's perfectly reasonable to call someone 100 times a day. Then they're surprised when people avoid them.
Apparently you do not live with someone mentally disabled. Yeah, she's disjointed in speaking and writing.
Just because SHE'S disjointed, doesn't mean all mentally-disabled people are the same. I've worked with the mentally disabled/mentally ill for over 35 years.
I would like to know what type of group home it is. There are group homes for those with mental disabilities, group homes for addiction, and group homes for those released from prison.
Yeah, there is likely more to this story. She may have burned the bridges much more than she is willing to admit.
We don't know why she is in the group home, but from her letter, she doesn't sound mentally disabled. It's hard to imagine that her brother would have completely cut her off due to some mental or physical disability.
My bet is that she was an addict. He probably watched her drift in and out of rehabs most of her life, take advantage of and possibly even steal from their parents or even him--and he's tired of it. Addicts only rarely, and usually only after they've had some "come to Jesus" moment, admit their part in all of this.
Again, we don't know and that is all speculation, of course, but I feel confident that even if I don't have the exact scenario correct, there is much more to the story than she put in the letter.
What does a letter from a mentally disabled person sound like?
Ahhh, disjointed.
I know, I live with one.
Not necessarily. There are all kinds of mental illness/disability, not just like the one you live with.
Disjointed would fall more into the realm of mental illness, not mental disability. The letter sounds like it was written by a child.
Furthermore, these people tend to have very poor judgement and insight. They think it's perfectly reasonable to call someone 100 times a day. Then they're surprised when people avoid them.
Apparently you do not live with someone mentally disabled. Yeah, she's disjointed in speaking and writing.
Just because SHE'S disjointed, doesn't mean all mentally-disabled people are the same. I've worked with the mentally disabled/mentally ill for over 35 years.
LOL. I've lived with her for 23 years, so yeah, I have some experience. I also worked with the mentally disabled for 9 years.
Depends on functioning abilities. Most, not all, have trouble writing a well thought out letter.
__________________
I drink coffee so I don't kill you.
I quilt so I don't kill you.
Do you see a theme?
Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
I would like to know what type of group home it is. There are group homes for those with mental disabilities, group homes for addiction, and group homes for those released from prison.
Yeah, there is likely more to this story. She may have burned the bridges much more than she is willing to admit.
We don't know why she is in the group home, but from her letter, she doesn't sound mentally disabled. It's hard to imagine that her brother would have completely cut her off due to some mental or physical disability.
My bet is that she was an addict. He probably watched her drift in and out of rehabs most of her life, take advantage of and possibly even steal from their parents or even him--and he's tired of it. Addicts only rarely, and usually only after they've had some "come to Jesus" moment, admit their part in all of this.
Again, we don't know and that is all speculation, of course, but I feel confident that even if I don't have the exact scenario correct, there is much more to the story than she put in the letter.
What does a letter from a mentally disabled person sound like?
Well, that depends on the severity of the disability.
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Yes but i think the brother should have some understanding of that
Yes he should. But some people suck. He might not be able to deal with it. He might be resentful of the time and attention the OP got from their parents. He might just be a terrible person.
He might be--or, it's just as likely, and probably more so--that there is a LOT more to this than the LW lets on.
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
It sounds like a child wrote it, for sure. But, it is off. There are some very simple words and phrases mixed with slightly more complex ones.
I would believe a mentally challenged person wrote it, and a slightly more capable friend helped edit it a bit.
It sounds like a child wrote it, for sure. But, it is off. There are some very simple words and phrases mixed with slightly more complex ones. I would believe a mentally challenged person wrote it, and a slightly more capable friend helped edit it a bit.
Exactly. That's why I questioned huskers statement....
but from her letter, she doesn't sound mentally disabled.
It sounds like a child wrote it, for sure. But, it is off. There are some very simple words and phrases mixed with slightly more complex ones. I would believe a mentally challenged person wrote it, and a slightly more capable friend helped edit it a bit.
But I think if that is why she is in the group home--then why not state that? I think it's much more likely it's for a reason that is more embarrassing.
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
It sounds like a child wrote it, for sure. But, it is off. There are some very simple words and phrases mixed with slightly more complex ones. I would believe a mentally challenged person wrote it, and a slightly more capable friend helped edit it a bit.
But I think if that is why she is in the group home--then why not state that? I think it's much more likely it's for a reason that is more embarrassing.
I have no idea. I just don't see drug addict in the letter, I see mental disability.
It sounds like a child wrote it, for sure. But, it is off. There are some very simple words and phrases mixed with slightly more complex ones. I would believe a mentally challenged person wrote it, and a slightly more capable friend helped edit it a bit.
But I think if that is why she is in the group home--then why not state that? I think it's much more likely it's for a reason that is more embarrassing.
I have no idea. I just don't see drug addict in the letter, I see mental disability.
I haven't talk to my brother for almost two years. I know he loves me and I love him. He works a lot and has two active kids he adopted and 9 I don't know the best to call and right now his nuclear family is the top priority. He also hates talking on the phone. I do connect with his wife now and then.
She may have been driving him crazy with the hundreds of phone calls and afraid that even one call may start her to call him constantly all over again.
-- Edited by Lindley on Sunday 6th of December 2015 04:28:37 PM
It sounds like a child wrote it, for sure. But, it is off. There are some very simple words and phrases mixed with slightly more complex ones. I would believe a mentally challenged person wrote it, and a slightly more capable friend helped edit it a bit.
I am betting the Dear Abbey people edited it for clarity.
Since it doesn't come out and state why the OP is in a group home, and the OP seems to be oblivious as to his/her differences and just how different they are from society...that is why I am saying they have cognitive differences.
__________________
Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
It sounds like a child wrote it, for sure. But, it is off. There are some very simple words and phrases mixed with slightly more complex ones. I would believe a mentally challenged person wrote it, and a slightly more capable friend helped edit it a bit.
I am betting the Dear Abbey people edited it for clarity.
Since it doesn't come out and state why the OP is in a group home, and the OP seems to be oblivious as to his/her differences and just how different they are from society...that is why I am saying they have cognitive differences.
Or, for space.
The bottom line for me is, there is no way to know, without more information.
It sounds like a child wrote it, for sure. But, it is off. There are some very simple words and phrases mixed with slightly more complex ones. I would believe a mentally challenged person wrote it, and a slightly more capable friend helped edit it a bit.
But I think if that is why she is in the group home--then why not state that? I think it's much more likely it's for a reason that is more embarrassing.
I have no idea. I just don't see drug addict in the letter, I see mental disability.
And I didn't see mental disability at all. I see someone who has been an adult for quite some time, whose brother will have nothing to do with her - since she's not willing to admit even to herself the reason, that screams addict, because that is how addicts live and see the world - as no one understands and poor me.
Of course, I don't try to excuse all behavior and bad choices as mentally ill or disabled.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
OK, maybe she's an addict. So what? Yeah, maybe that is why Bro had disappeared. Who knows? I have never really heard of Sober living being called a "group home".
OK, maybe she's an addict. So what? Yeah, maybe that is why Bro had disappeared. Who knows? I have never really heard of Sober living being called a "group home".
Most of the group homes I know of are for people recently released from prison and needing adjustment to re-enter society.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
OK, maybe she's an addict. So what? Yeah, maybe that is why Bro had disappeared. Who knows? I have never really heard of Sober living being called a "group home".
??? They are called group homes all the time when, you know, they ARE "group" homes.
There are many treatment programs that have them.
__________________
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
It sounds like a child wrote it, for sure. But, it is off. There are some very simple words and phrases mixed with slightly more complex ones. I would believe a mentally challenged person wrote it, and a slightly more capable friend helped edit it a bit.
But I think if that is why she is in the group home--then why not state that? I think it's much more likely it's for a reason that is more embarrassing.
I have no idea. I just don't see drug addict in the letter, I see mental disability.
And I didn't see mental disability at all. I see someone who has been an adult for quite some time, whose brother will have nothing to do with her - since she's not willing to admit even to herself the reason, that screams addict, because that is how addicts live and see the world - as no one understands and poor me.
Of course, I don't try to excuse all behavior and bad choices as mentally ill or disabled.
Just the childish way it is written. "I was never mean to him", "Why does he hate me?" "I really miss him."
And the group homes around here are all for people with some sort of mental disability, at least the those know of.
Of course, mental disability and addiction are not mutually exclusive. She might be in a group home for mental challenges, and her brother may be ashamed of her for being an addict.
It sounds like a child wrote it, for sure. But, it is off. There are some very simple words and phrases mixed with slightly more complex ones. I would believe a mentally challenged person wrote it, and a slightly more capable friend helped edit it a bit.
But I think if that is why she is in the group home--then why not state that? I think it's much more likely it's for a reason that is more embarrassing.
I have no idea. I just don't see drug addict in the letter, I see mental disability.
And I didn't see mental disability at all. I see someone who has been an adult for quite some time, whose brother will have nothing to do with her - since she's not willing to admit even to herself the reason, that screams addict, because that is how addicts live and see the world - as no one understands and poor me.
Of course, I don't try to excuse all behavior and bad choices as mentally ill or disabled.
Just the childish way it is written. "I was never mean to him", "Why does he hate me?" "I really miss him."
And the group homes around here are all for people with some sort of mental disability, at least the those know of.
Of course, mental disability and addiction are not mutually exclusive. She might be in a group home for mental challenges, and her brother may be ashamed of her for being an addict.
There are numerous group homes for recovering drug addicts. I'm surprised so many are unaware of those homes.
I had two distant cousins who lived in group homes until they died of the side affects of their former drug use.
__________________
I drink coffee so I don't kill you.
I quilt so I don't kill you.
Do you see a theme?
Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
It sounds like a child wrote it, for sure. But, it is off. There are some very simple words and phrases mixed with slightly more complex ones. I would believe a mentally challenged person wrote it, and a slightly more capable friend helped edit it a bit.
But I think if that is why she is in the group home--then why not state that? I think it's much more likely it's for a reason that is more embarrassing.
I have no idea. I just don't see drug addict in the letter, I see mental disability.
And I didn't see mental disability at all. I see someone who has been an adult for quite some time, whose brother will have nothing to do with her - since she's not willing to admit even to herself the reason, that screams addict, because that is how addicts live and see the world - as no one understands and poor me.
Of course, I don't try to excuse all behavior and bad choices as mentally ill or disabled.
Just the childish way it is written. "I was never mean to him", "Why does he hate me?" "I really miss him."
And the group homes around here are all for people with some sort of mental disability, at least the those know of.
Of course, mental disability and addiction are not mutually exclusive. She might be in a group home for mental challenges, and her brother may be ashamed of her for being an addict.
That's not actually how it was written. And her other sentences show a good command of the English language. I would not expect a mentally disabled person to use words like "incessantly" and "recall" instead of "remember". The language of the letter is not childish to me.
__________________
LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I am in the doesn't want to.start her calling incessantly again camp.
It's possible she is a bit slow because of drug abuse? I know an experience addict who I swear just fried his brain. He has no self awareness at all.
Well, calling him incessantly would be a problem obviously. But, that is no reason necessarily to never ever see her again. I mean, it isn't that hard to filter and screen your communications now. He could at least give her an email address and talk to her that way once in awhile.