DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for almost 14 years. I'm a sound sleeper, and I suspect he has been having sex with me while I'm sleeping. I have woken up without clothes on, my undergarments askew or the waistband "rolled on." I called him on it and told him I knew and that I'm not OK with it.
Weeks later, I caught him red-handed. This time I was awake, but I was so frightened that I froze! I was sexually abused as a child and raped as an adult, and now I feel like my marriage has been turned upside down. My husband denies it. He claims it's all in my head.
My friends say that for the sake of my children I should ignore it or I'll turn their lives upside down. Abby, everyone thinks my husband is a catch! I'm sure if I walk away I'll lose friends -- maybe even some of my family. Please help me. I feel lost. -- TURNED UPSIDE DOWN IN ILLINOIS
DEAR TURNED UPSIDE DOWN: Your friends are wrong, and you should NOT "ignore" this. Sex without a person's consent is rape! When a husband does what you have described, it is called spousal rape.
Because he claims this is "all in your head," for your own sanity, make an appointment to discuss this with a licensed psychotherapist. With your unfortunate history, you should have spoken with someone already. Your husband is either grossly insensitive or derives pleasure from being a predator. His behavior is appalling, and you do not have to stand for it.
Counseling can help you decide whether to remain in this marriage. Regardless of what your ultimate decision may be, it will help you be emotionally resilient enough to live with your choice regardless of what your "friends" and family members may think.
Many people actually respond sexually while they are asleep--like they are in a dream or something--so he may truly not know she's asleep or isn't consenting.
I do think her husband lying about it and telling her it's "all in her head" looks bad, though. If she was truly "into" the sleep sex at the moment, why not say that? "Honey, I can't tell if your asleep, you were pretty into it."
Certainly, she can divorce if she wants to.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
If she isn't waking up, he must not be very good at it.
Mr. Incredible isn't so incredible, IYKWIM.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I can't see myself caring about this. I get to sleep and satisfy my husband's sexual urges at the same time? Of course, she has prior issues, so that creates a different mindset in her.
Maybe he's doing it in his sleep, too.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I wonder if drugs are involved. I mean not waking up?
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I have to wonder whether she initiates sex when she's awake, or if she routinely rejects his efforts.
I've known women who really enjoy sex when their guy wakes them up (or just gets on top) and "takes" them. If her history is stopping her from enjoying consensual sex, but she reacts will (including climaxing) when he takes her while she's sleeping of dozing, that might be the only thing that works.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
The only thing I have a problem with is his reaction when she confronts him. Up until then, he could have easily been under the impression that she was "into" what he was doing if her body was reacting in a sex-positive way. Once she made the issue known, he should have acknowledged what was going on and they should have discussed it, with him discontinuing the "sleep sex" until and unless she gives him the go-ahead to resume, if she ever did.
Just because I'd like to wake up in the middle of a romp, doesn't mean everyone would.
It's her husband. I don't think it is uncommon for husbands to roll over in bed and get aroused by their wives. If that is such a drama for her, then she needs to just sleep in another room. He's probably in a sleep stupor and doing what comes naturally. Treating your own husband like a rapist seems bizarre. Or, get a king size bed and golden retriever and teach it to sleep in middle, lol.
