Dear Prudence, I’ve worked at a 25-employee firm for over 20 years. I’ve also had breast cancer for 15 years. About two years ago my cancer traveled to my brain, and I had to leave my job because of the treatment I was receiving. I almost died, yet I never heard from my co-workers. Not one even called to say, “How are you feeling?” My boss told me he wanted me to come to the office holiday luncheon, yet never followed up with the date and time. I am so disappointed and hurt by their lack of empathy. I thought we were a family, but I’ve found out otherwise. Should I be as upset as I am, or should I let this go? I don’t want to die without saying anything. Can I write them a letter explaining how hurt I am?
—Tired of Holding It In
How awful to realize the coworkers you thought of as family barely think of you at all. I know plenty of people feel uncomfortable and unsure of what to say in the face of illness, but it’s hard to imagine that all 25 of your former colleagues couldn’t muster up a single get-well card or phone call between them. Their absence during your illness may have stemmed more from discomfort and uncertainty than from callousness, but that doesn’t make their silence any easier for you to bear.
I don’t know if you’ve seen a therapist during your illness, but it might be helpful to speak with a grief counselor about your feelings of betrayal and abandonment before you decide how, if it all, you’d like to speak with your ex-co-workers. If you do decide to respond, it may be easier for you to speak with your former boss instead of the entire office; tell him that you’d love to attend the office holiday party but haven’t received an invitation or heard anything from your former officemates during your illness. Give yourself permission to feel as upset as you need to feel. You’ve earned that.
Wow. Just wow. Thru my ordeal I have been humbled by the outpouring of care and love. I fully expected most of my coworkers to do and say nothing simply because of the rather toxic environment. Yet I was astoundingly wrong. I was so so so very wrong and have been inundated with cards flowers get well wishes and tokens of regular help. From food at my door stop to financial boosts. I am overwhelmed with gratefulness. This letter breaks my heart. It really and truly breaks my heart. Wow. Just wow.
I would advise the LW that writing a letter to somehow shame them isn't going to work. People rarely get some comeuppance and then think "oh how rude of me" type thing. If they don't care, they don't care. Focus on the people in your life who DO care.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I received many calls when I was in the hospital from co-workers I had only known a year. It was heartwarming, and surprising, because the last agency I worked for, the people really didn't care. Of course the first agency I worked for, I made life long friendships.
I found that every work environment is different. Hers is much like my second agency environment. It was a tough pill to swallow, realizing their indifference towards each other. But you accept it and move on. She needs to do the same and appreciate those who are in her life who care.
"Can I write them a letter explaining how hurt I am?"
She can write a NICE letter, telling them her latest updates, and including her email, phone and address, and telling them she's thinking of them.
"you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar." Be nice.
See, i really think this is good way to set someone up for further disappointment. Most likely this will be met with silence. It is only going to hurt more. If they don't care, they don't care. So, trying some guilt inducing approach isn't going to work. Sorry but they dont' have to care.
I think it's a wonderful idea to write a letter. Pour out all those feelings she is struggling with onto the paper. Seal it up in a envelope and stick it in a drawer.
I think it's a wonderful idea to write a letter. Pour out all those feelings she is struggling with onto the paper. Seal it up in a envelope and stick it in a drawer.
__________________
The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
