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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Carolyn: I Hate Christmas
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Dear Carolyn: I hate Christmas. I mean really, really hate it. I hate the expectations that are put on me: Put on the family dinner because my mother’s health doesn’t allow her to do it anymore. Watching her and her husband drink too much. Figure out how much money to give the kids because they don’t want presents, they only want money. (Yes, my daughter told me to just give her the money I would have spent on presents so she can go on a cruise with her friends).

I hate people asking me what I want and never ever listening. I know it’s the thought that counts, but really folks, I’ve been asking for the same thing for 15 years — it’s my major hobby — could you indulge me just once?

The pleas from charities so every time I go someplace, I am faced with giving; I give plenty, but it would be nice to not be hit every. single. time. I go to the grocery store or post office.

My sister, conveniently living six hours away, who won’t travel because her husband HAS to be home on Christmas, telling me how I should do it.

My husband loving to bake but even when he thinks he’s done a good job cleaning up, leaving a huge mess for me.

Being forced to participate in office baked goods for the bosses.

Gifts for a stepdaughter I never see and who doesn’t like me.

Going away is not an option. Going out to eat is not an option as “it’s not our tradition” and frankly, too expensive. Not doing it is not an option. How do I survive it without crying every day?

— The Weeping Christmas Tree

amydickinson.jpg

DETROIT FREE PRESS

Key to a happy holiday: Realize your in-law isn’t Satan

Don’t forget feeling like the one person who isn’t cheerful!

There’s always a letter like yours when the holly terror is upon us, for the good reason you cite upfront. Expectations lurk behind every gap between desire and reality; they’re the engine of stress and disappointment.

You’ve apparently invested yourself heavily on the desire side of that pair, pushing aside everything you need, care about and believe to try to give others what they want.

Clearly it’s not working, and not just because you’re an advent calendar of tears. Your mother and her husband aren’t at peace, either, or they wouldn’t need to medicate themselves silly, and if your sister felt good she’d be at your side instead of up in your grill.

So this is really just a timeless stress-and-disappointment issue, with Christmas trimmings.

And that means the answer is to stop chasing desire and start embracing reality. Start by asking yourself: What is and isn’t possible to change?

And then: What is and isn’t worth changing?

635846654608266756-family-holiday.jpg

DETROIT FREE PRESS

Mentally ill sibling makes holidays hard on family

Ultimately you have to answer these based on your own truths and tolerances, but here are examples.

■ You can’t change your mother’s expectations, but you can change whether and how you try to meet them. You can’t change what you can afford, but you can change how you spend what you have. Add these up and you’re still cooking Christmas dinner — but no one can stop you from streamlining the menu. Just expect the complaints, smile, and note that even traditions change. You can withstand it.

■ You can’t change your sister’s urge to interfere, but you can calmly state that if she feels strongly about how things are done, then she’s welcome to host Christmas herself … “Hey, so, how’s Whatserface?” — or dodge all provocation by putting these on a loop: “Interesting.” “Thanks for the suggestion.” You can deny her traction in your psyche.

■ You can’t prevent holiday chariteering, but you can choose to carry a stack of $1 bills wherever you go, and, for very little money, channel a morning-after Scrooge.

■ You can’t change what people give you, but you can change what you hope for. You can know people won’t listen, and plan to exchange any gift you can for something you’d rather have.

■ You can’t make your husband not bake or understand what “clean” means, but you can ask him to bake for your bosses, right? In exchange for doing the whole cleanup for him? More work, yes, but at least you’ll know it’s going to be bad instead of letting yourself hope it won’t be. And you kill two birds with one fruitcake.

■ You can’t make your stepdaughter like you, but you can assign buying her gift to your husband — or you can try to listen to her as you wish others would listen to you. Merry karma.

■ And you can be grateful your daughter values experiences and friends above material things, no? And be relieved at the abbreviated shopping list?

635846016644978523-cheater.jpg

DETROIT FREE PRESS

Cheating wife finds it hard to get through the holidays

Our culture sees quitting as a failure, when in fact it’s an art form — it’s what stands between us and futility, drudgery, recurring arguments and getting arrested for harassment. Please pour yourself something toasty and write your To-Quit List, topped by “Quit seeing others’ expectations as your responsibility.” Holidays are done by you, not to you. Merry no-mas.

Read Carolyn Hax every day in the Free Press. Write to her care of the Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St., NW, Washington, D.C. 20071 or e-mailtellme@washpost.com.

 

http://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2015/12/12/carolyn-hax-christmas-drudgery/76992206/



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FNW


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I think a big part of disappointment is that we set our expectations too high. I know that personally, I have had to "let go" of some of the "traditions" some years. And be okay with it.

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TrudyML


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I am skipping it this year. A break from family drama, nasty in laws a crabby mother. Year off!

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ed11563


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I think managing other people's expectations is very important.

Adult children don't NEED to be given big or expensive gifts. When my kids became adults, birthday and holiday gifts became ...

a meal and game night with their parents.

An adult child wants a gift of money? They can have hugs and together time; they can earn their own money, and I can save for retirement.

Someone wants a complex holiday meal? We have some wonderful restaurants and deli's that happily take some money and absorb the burden of cooking and baking.

Baked goods for the boss? Ignoring the fact that employees should NEVER be expected to give gifts to their managers, cookies from a bakery solve that problem.

The husband leaves a mess? Sorry, she already knows she will be cleaning up after him. Hopefully he makes up for that in other ways.

Someone wants you to drive 6 hours because they can't be bothered? Sorry, not now, maybe we can alternate in the future, or maybe sometimes meet half way.

Mom and step-dad drink too much ? Don't have any alcohol in the house, make sure to take their car keys (You can buy a breathalyzer now for about $50) and show them where they can sleep it off.

 

STOP BEING A DOOR MAT.

jmho.

 



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ed11563


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Right, I didn't mention charity solicitors ...

 

No, I donate directly (to the Heart Association and the Cancer Society).

The Salvation Army bell ringer outside the grocery store in the snow? I put in $1 ONCE each year. One time I got him a cup of coffee too.

 



-- Edited by ed11563 on Monday 21st of December 2015 09:06:34 AM

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Ohfour


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FNW wrote:

I think a big part of disappointment is that we set our expectations too high. I know that personally, I have had to "let go" of some of the "traditions" some years. And be okay with it.

Absolutely!!!!  I didn't decorate my dining room this year.  Guess what, no one has even noticed!  I used to put up 6 trees, now I put up one. 

I used to make a HUGE Christmas dinner.  Now, its ham and rolls, mac & cheese, veggie tray, deviled eggs.  We used to all sit at the dining room table, now we all sit in the den floor.  The traditions I held on to were tiring.  I made new ones.  Better ones...



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Divine Geek


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I said to a coworker that I really like Christmas. I got his tirade about how he doesn't like Christmas and people who like Christmas because it's so superficial and materialistic. I let him finish and said, maybe you should ask why I like Christmas before giving me a lecture. He goes, ok, why do you like Christmas? Because it's the one time all year that my whole family is together - we have spread across the nation (and world some years). He just goes, oh, and has been much nicer about it.

My point is, Christmas doesn't have to be about all the crap, unless you let it.

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lilyofcourse


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All I can think is, geez, what a scrooge.



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FNW


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Right! I'm making sugar cookies. When the boys were little and interested in decorating, I went with refrigerated dough. It wasn't my idea of tradition, but it worked. This year I'm making them from scratch, but halfing the recipe. I used to make fantasy fudge, now I make easy fudge. There were years I didn't make it at all. This year I was more organized so I had time. If I didn't, I certainly wouldn't be beating myself up about it. For Christmas dinner, I'm going to make one of the dinners I make for the family year around. I have the recipe down, and it's simple but delicious. It will get the job done. I set the table real nice for breakfast, but for dinner, we'll just sit at the table with whatever dishes are available. The centerpiece will still be there, but I'm not bringing out more napkins to fold, etc. The day will be relaxing for everyone. I wish we had more family to celebrate with, but the boys don't know any different anyway.

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Lindley


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I don't bake as much as I use to. I try but I end up not baking anything.

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flan327


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lilyofcourse wrote:

All I can think is, geez, what a scrooge.

 Did you even READ the letter?

flan



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I read it. Scroogy and beitchy.

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Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

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flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

All I can think is, geez, what a scrooge.

 Did you even READ the letter?

flan

 I read it.  She sounds like a horribly miserable person who looks for the negative in everything rather than embracing the positive.  Like, that she has a family to cook for and a job.  She's sick of hearing about charities for the less fortunate than her, and she even bitches about her husband's joy of baking.

She sounds exactly like someone who enjoys bitching and being miserable. 



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karl271


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Good Heavens. She has a home, a husband, a mother (and step father), a job.... What is she complaining about? A little Christmas spirit would go a long way to making her happy. Is this what people are like today? Complaining of how much they are put upon instead of looking at all the good things they have in life.

Wonder what the homeless, the refugees throughout the world, etc. would have to say about this... Sorry, this letter just hit the wrong nerve with me.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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 I hate the expectations that are put on me: Put on the family dinner because my mother’s health doesn’t allow her to do it anymore. -  Just because expectations are put on you doesn't mean you have to do everything everyone expects.  I don't put on some huge dinner.  My family are not big eaters.  My mom used to make a lot more dishes than I do.  I cut out the ones that they don't really eat.  My mom used to make ham and turkey for the holidays.  They get one or the other now.  Thanksgiving you get turkey.  Christmas you get one protein, prime rib or ham, pick on.  They don't get both.  You can make boxed mashed potatoes if you don't want to go through the work of making them.  She can get canned gravy and boxed stuffing and premade desserts.  Go to the bakery and buy a pie.  There are tons of ways to do a dinner and make it fairly easy to do.  

Watching her and her husband drink too much.  - Well, they are adults.  Maybe they like to get a bit blotto over the holidays.  However, she could have less of it available, not serve alcohol at all, or wait until later to break it out.  Or , just ignore them.  In life, sometimes there are people you put up with.

Figure out how much money to give the kids because they don’t want presents, they only want money. (Yes, my daughter told me to just give her the money I would have spent on presents so she can go on a cruise with her friends). - If your daughter is expecting enough money to go on a cruise for Christmas, then not sure what to say about that. YOU raised her with that kind of expectation from you.  So, now would be a good  year to establish a new norm.  When you set a high bar, you keep raising their expectations.  So, parents who have always done these over the top Christmas' wind up with selfish brats who can't be happy unless they get more stuff than their friends.


I hate people asking me what I want and never ever listening. I know it’s the thought that counts, but really folks, I’ve been asking for the same thing for 15 years —  I agree.  People don't often listen.  But you have really been waiting for 15 YEARS to get something you really want?  Why don't you go buy it for yourself instead of playing the victim?  If i want something, i go buy it.  Sheesh.

The pleas from charities so every time I go someplace, I am faced with giving; I give plenty, but it would be nice to not be hit every. single. time. I go to the grocery store or post office.  -Ok, heeeree's what you do.  You....walk....right....by.... and....keep.....walking.  Got it?

My sister, conveniently living six hours away, who won’t travel because her husband HAS to be home on Christmas, telling me how I should do it.  - She"conveniently" lives 6 hours away because the whole world, including your sister is conspiring against you to make you suffer.  Wow lady.  Ok, so she doens't want to travel.  At least your sis managed to grow a pair and just live her life on her terms.  Why don't you try it to?  She decides if she is coming, you don't.  As for "Telling you how to do it".  My guess is that you are bellyaching like you are here and she is offering suggestions to make it easier and you are interpreting her thinking that she is helping you as "telling you how to  do it'.  You do have a bit of a victim complex.


My husband loving to bake but even when he thinks he’s done a good job cleaning up, leaving a huge mess for me.  -You could bake with him and clean up as yo you go.  You could enjoy his baked goodies and then go do the dishes.  You could ASK him to please clean up.  Or, you could decide he does other stuff and just do the dishes.


Being forced to participate in office baked goods for the bosses.       Oh well, that's part of working and being employed.  Sometimes you have to do stuff you don't want to do.  Bake some chocolate chip cookies.  You dont' have to make 6 different kinds.

Gifts for a stepdaughter I never see and who doesn’t like me.       -  Send her a check or gift card and forget about it!  Sheesh. 

Going away is not an option. Going out to eat is not an option as “it’s not our tradition” and frankly, too expensive. Not doing it is not an option.  Yes, it is an option.  You just choose to play victim and not exercise any options.  You can create new traditions.   You put on a much more simple menu.  You can cut down on all kinds of things and have peace in your holiday IF you CHOOSE to do so.  If not, then you also CHOOSE that as well.  



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flan327


Itty bitty's Grammy

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Oooh, an essay!

flan

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Yes. I am very thorough!

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Mary Zombie


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Geeze. Just say no and tell people what u are doing. They can be mad if they want to. Learn not to care.


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Mary! <tackles>

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Of course i gave a detailed response so the LW would think i am "telling her what to do". If you dont' want people to tell you what to do then dont' present your problems and issues to them.

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chef


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I might whine and complain at all the stuff that needs doing but I really do enjoy the cooking. We did a lot of prep on Sunday so yesterday was mostly playing Tetris with oven space. We even had time to add deviled eggs to the menu. And guess what? For once in my life, I managed to peel them mostly perfectly. DH too. He's also never peeled an egg without butchering it but he almost perfectly peeled eggs yesterday. I was so pleased with our success that I posted a pic on FB of the eggs.

LW needs to figure out what she wants to do and doesn't want to do then go from there. If she doesn't want to make a huge dinner, pare it down. If she doesn't want to give to the myriad charities, don't. If a relative *must* have a certain dish, they can either make it themselves or do without. As long as she continues doing it all, people will let her.

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Nobody Just Nobody


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Part of me agrees with her and part doesn't. When I used to have a relationship with my family it was very difficult. My mom would start early asking me who I was bringing to Christmas dinner. My mom wanted Norman Rockewell Christmases. Everything had to be picture perfect. And she put a ton of pressure on you to make it that way. And why did it have to be perfect? So she could show her friends a perfect family. (I really don't care if certain people think this is bitching. It's not. It's just a fact.)

I think the thing I learned is that you do the things you want and let go of the things you don't want. Nothing is perfect. Things are going to be forgotten. Some things won't get done. Life is what it is. I learned a long time ago to fly with what happens. Do what makes you happy. It's about attitude.

I also think you have to let go of some of what people think are "wrong" things to do. It's against manner codes to give money or gift certificates but honestly, if that's what people want, give it. If it makes them happy, give it. Make your life simple. Stick some cash in an envelope and go. Don't make things MORE complicated. It certainly would be much easier to give cash than shop for gifts.

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Lexxy


My dog name is Sasha, too!

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I also think you have to let go of some of what people think are "wrong" things to do. It's against manner codes to give money or gift certificates but honestly, if that's what people want, give it. If it makes them happy, give it. Make your life simple. Stick some cash in an envelope and go. Don't make things MORE complicated. It certainly would be much easier to give cash than shop for gifts.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The only family members I give gifts to are my nieces. They get cash. They are both happy with it.

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chef


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Cash is a very popular gift in my family. I have yet to hear a complaint about it. Even DS likes cash.

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TrudyML


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chef wrote:

I might whine and complain at all the stuff that needs doing but I really do enjoy the cooking. We did a lot of prep on Sunday so yesterday was mostly playing Tetris with oven space. We even had time to add deviled eggs to the menu. And guess what? For once in my life, I managed to peel them mostly perfectly. DH too. He's also never peeled an egg without butchering it but he almost perfectly peeled eggs yesterday. I was so pleased with our success that I posted a pic on FB of the eggs.

LW needs to figure out what she wants to do and doesn't want to do then go from there. If she doesn't want to make a huge dinner, pare it down. If she doesn't want to give to the myriad charities, don't. If a relative *must* have a certain dish, they can either make it themselves or do without. As long as she continues doing it all, people will let her.

I throw a ton of salt in the water.  Works every time!  My BF Tyler taught me that. 



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chef


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TrudyML wrote:
chef wrote:

I might whine and complain at all the stuff that needs doing but I really do enjoy the cooking. We did a lot of prep on Sunday so yesterday was mostly playing Tetris with oven space. We even had time to add deviled eggs to the menu. And guess what? For once in my life, I managed to peel them mostly perfectly. DH too. He's also never peeled an egg without butchering it but he almost perfectly peeled eggs yesterday. I was so pleased with our success that I posted a pic on FB of the eggs.

LW needs to figure out what she wants to do and doesn't want to do then go from there. If she doesn't want to make a huge dinner, pare it down. If she doesn't want to give to the myriad charities, don't. If a relative *must* have a certain dish, they can either make it themselves or do without. As long as she continues doing it all, people will let her.

I throw a ton of salt in the water.  Works every time!  My BF Tyler taught me that. 

 That doesn't work for me. I've tried a lot of methods that work for others but not me. What worked for me yesterday was that I put the eggs straight from boiling water into an ice bath hoping to shock the membrane away from the egg. It worked! Weird thing is, I've done that before and it didn't work.



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huskerbb


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You have a family, a husband you describe as loving, a job, cash to be able to give your kids or spend on gifts, a long standing hobby you enjoy, and no mention of serious health issues.

Sounds like someone who has been very blessed in life but is too busy complaining to notice.

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